Ladies and gentlemen, I have watched many many films in my long and (somewhat un-)industrious career as a gorehound, but never have I watched a complete train wreck such as this. It is truly, one of a kind. Thankfully.
The movie begins with a short of a forest clearing in broad daylight, the sound effects say otherwise and have hooting owl sounds. Then we see someone who has the facial makeup of a muppet (one of the old balcony guys) while wearing an SS stormtrooper uniform. Why? I’ve no idea… join the club. What makes the protagonist even more irritating (and I’m only six minutes in to the movie) is the fact that his dialogue (and I use the term loosely) is nothing but ‘RRRRmmmm, RRRRMMMmmmm!‘ constantly. He sounds like a muffled five year old child imitating a car.
Having apparently murdered a man in a tent, we see a grown woman carrying logs skipping gaily through the forest. No, seriously, she is skipping. She gets offed pretty quickly and both bodies get carted off. Only after about five minutes do we get some introductory credits which is a welcome relief from the muffled car impersonations.
A car (conveniently) running out of fuel near our madmans dwelling means he gets two more bodies, a man and his big fat wife. For reasons unbeknownst to me, a woman emerges from a second car, seemingly in a trance, and heads towards a black cat which is in the mountains (again, reasons unknown) gets scratched by the cat then plays the drama queen (to her husband) saying ‘I want to go home […] I’m going to die.‘ My good man, you should have taken that invitation and abandoned the mad bitch right there and then.
The couple end up at a creepy looking mansion/hotel which, while definitely looking the part (see above), someone in their infinite (stupid) wisdom chose to play Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor (by J.S. Bach) over it, rendering the entire scene uber-cheesy! The creepy places inhabitants, a surprisingly ordinary older couple, begin to tell them of strange things which happened ‘many years ago’. Not long after we see the old man out in a grassy area waving his gun around as if it’s a baseball bat apparently fending off a wild, black, horse. This is speculation on my part since we never actually see the horse and the man in the same shot, I don’t think the budget stretched to hiring him and the horse at the same time.
By now the chick (that was entranced by the cat) has fled the creepy place in nothing but her drawers. It’s at this point our madman (and his female/mother accomplice) open a coffin and out pops a mummy. No, seriously, look:
It’s also at this point I am scratching my head wondering what in the HELL is going on. And I’m still wondering.
The semi-naked chick is nabbed by the madman and placed in a stone coffin, but he’s kicked by the mysterious (and ever out of shot) horse, and our heroine escapes. The mummy, meanwhile, is raising some stoned-looking chick from the dead.
Back to broad daylight we get to see the man AND the horse in the same shot! The film-makers must have secured some extra funding from the local sanitarium, probably to keep them out. But our madman is still on the lose, chasing the chick in her drawers. The old man on the other hand is still chasing the horse, which seems to lead him to a ship wreck which he seems quite happy about finding. Unfortunately our mummy friend is also (for reasons, again, unknown) interested in said ship wreck. The mummy attacks the old man by stepping on him until his guts fall out, behold:
As the mummy, and his stoner-chick, head towards a nice shiny coffin, the chick in her drawers shoots some conveniently placed barrels of explosives. Handy eh? This sets off an explosion which I can only describe as piss-poor. While on the subject of piss-poor, I shant spoil the ending of this masterpiece of film making, but suffice to say, it contains more Tocatta and WTF moments.
Oh dear Lord, what a train wreck of a film. Acting is non-existant, effects are below shoe-string budget and the story is all over the place. I’m glad I watched it just so I can say to people that I’ve seen it, proceed to tell them what I’ve just told you, and to have them, like you, wonder why I do this to myself…