I’m not even going to attempt a plot synopsis of this movie, and neither has anyone on IMDb. Read on…
( ) Ronnie: a very shoddy looking noose that… I wouldn’t trust it…
( ) Alex: well it looks like he got his wish anyway, in the form of weird tentacles
( ) Ronnie: uh oh… is this tentacle pr0n?
( ) Alex: lets hope not
( ) Alex: oh WOW
( ) Ronnie: niiiiice!
( ) Alex: right off the bat, head cut in half the long way
( ) Ronnie: with cyborg-y things kicking each others asses
( ) Alex: and some girl with an eye patch
( ) Ronnie: yeah, she’s too timid, I don’t trust her
( ) Alex: it should be a new rule for Asian cinema
( ) Alex: don’t trust anyone with an eye patch
( ) Alex: or tentacles, because they may try to give you some unwanted sex
( ) Ronnie: I hope she’s not hanging her drawers out…
( ) Ronnie: tissues… never go to work without one…
( ) Ronnie: busted!
( ) Alex: great, first 10 minutes there’s a wanking scene
( ) Ronnie: fortunately not graphic
( ) Ronnie: did I just glimpse a hockey mask?
( ) Alex: so borrowing money transitions into a shot of a lone crab
( ) Alex: i think we did
( ) Ronnie: reversed baseball cap… if he starts rapping, I’m stopping this…
( ) Alex: i think this kid may be killed in a horrific way
( ) Alex: any the tentacles got him
( ) Ronnie: grabbed by the tentacles 😀
( ) Alex: nice hit by car gore
( ) Ronnie: liked the arm stuck to the wheel
( ) Alex: it was a classy touch
( ) Alex: there is the jerker, watching people do laundry and being all creepy
( ) Ronnie: OK, we haven’t even reached 9mins yet and there’s been several killings, head slicings, a dead kid and a jacking off scene!
( ) Alex: welcome to Japan
( ) Ronnie: where the women are all extremely nervous
( ) Alex: and the only transitions between scenes that exist is a fade to black apparently
( ) Ronnie: hey, they’re on a budget!
( ) Alex: this creature design is terrific
( ) Ronnie: yeah, the little windscreen wiper is awesome!
( ) Alex: reminds me a lot of a Takashi Miike film
( ) Ronnie: NEVER trust rechargeable batteries!
( ) Alex: I guess the movie will eventually tell us what the fuck is going on
( ) Alex: but not before about 80 people die
( ) Ronnie: yay!
( ) Alex: who needs context anyway when armoured mutant thingies are chopping each other up
( ) Ronnie: eat yer heart out Transformers!
( ) Alex: thanks for reminding about that horrible movie
( ) Ronnie: my pleasure 🙂
( ) Alex: it was almost a full day without thinking about Michael Bay
( ) Alex: are these two watching a porn in a theatre?
( ) Ronnie: hang on!
( ) Ronnie: that’s no chick!
( ) Alex: totally a dude
( ) Alex: are we watching two completely different movies?
( ) Ronnie: ok, I can never go to a cinema again now…
( ) Alex: one about a lonely masturbator and the other about battling monsters
( ) Alex: wait, I think they might be developing a plot
( ) Ronnie: now you’re being silly!
( ) Ronnie: a man after my own heart… whatever it is, get a screwdriver into it…
( ) Alex: he learned well from Dawn of the Dead
( ) Alex: screwdriver is your best friend
( ) Alex: that and just kicking whatever it is that is malfunctioning
( ) Ronnie: I’m just worried in case it cuts to those other three in the shower…
( ) Alex: yeah, this movie owes us a boob
( ) Ronnie: several… hopefully the chick that was hanging her drawers out
( ) Alex: I hope we don’t get mutant monster boob
( ) Alex: that could get weird
( ) Ronnie: I can only hope not!
( ) Alex: uh oh, jerker off guy has disrupted an attempted rape on drawer hanger girl
( ) Ronnie: indeed, ass kicking ensues…
( ) Alex: you gotta figure his jerkin’ arm would at least be able to throw a decent punch
( ) Ronnie: You’d think, but apparently not
( ) Ronnie: more monsters!
( ) Alex: ahh, 26 minutes into the movie our leads are named
( ) Ronnie: 27 minutes in and still no idea of the storyline!
( ) Alex: I think Mr. Pocket pool, Yoji, has the alien parasite thingy that turns people in the monsters
( ) Alex: and he will use it to get vengeance on some assholes
( ) Ronnie: uh oh… horrendous boob scar…
( ) Ronnie: incoming…
( ) Ronnie: meh, that’s nothing…
( ) Alex: this is really awkward
( ) Ronnie: WHY would you tell someone about your body scars on a potential date??!
( ) Alex: welcome to Japan
( ) Ronnie: I think she’s reactivating his closet pet
( ) Ronnie: her head seems quite close to his groin..
( ) Alex: the monster wanted some loving as well
( ) Ronnie: quick! Grope her while she’s down!
( ) Alex: TENTACLES!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!
( ) Ronnie: TENTACLE PRON!!!!
( ) Alex: god dammit
( ) Alex: it has to always come to this
( ) Ronnie: well, she got the humping she wanted I suppose…
( ) Ronnie: she doesn’t exactly look distressed…
( ) Ronnie: wait, wait, wait… THIS is probably the reason why the jerker-offer is fighting the cyborgs…
( ) Alex: I am so confused
( ) Alex: did we just watch a baby monster in the womb?
( ) Ronnie: I think we did… and I’m somewhat distressed…
( ) Alex: oh now she is mutant scarred up woman
( ) Ronnie: … and with a bun in the oven
( ) Alex: oh I think the little alien dude inside her is controlling her new body
( ) Ronnie: yeah
( ) Alex: so i was somewhat right about the parasite deal, but now what the hell will Yoji do?
( ) Ronnie: turn in to Mr Monster Killer
( ) Ronnie: Soledade EWWWW!!!
( ) Alex: Tangshan OHHHHHHHHHHH right in the eyes Fulci style
( ) Ronnie: I’m sorry, but if I was Yoji, I’d have pooped myself looooong ago
( ) Alex: yeah, certainly dropped a load right in my trousers
( ) Alex: so eye-patch lady and her friend are hunting the monster parasite.
( ) Ronnie: Hmm… I thought that trench coat guy WAS Yoji… guess not
( ) Alex: i think i see it coming together now
( ) Ronnie: you’re doing better than me then…
( ) Alex: it’s just lucky stabs in the dark
( ) Alex: BACKSTORY!!!!!! http://thewoodlandretreat.com/home/the-tender-heart-trailer/lycksele-havet-two-seat-sofa-bed-vallarum-turquoise__0455759_pe603711_s4 WOOOO
( ) Alex: this story is actually pretty solid
( ) Ronnie: ok, yeah, that explains things…
( ) Alex: old school “The Thing” style parasite movie
( ) Alex: but all Japan’d up
( ) Ronnie: he’s upset now, there goes his jacking off fantasy
( ) Alex: is this flashback to what happened 10 minutes ago necessary?
( ) Ronnie: I think this is him figuring out what was happening
( ) Alex: oh fuck that’s horrible
( ) Ronnie: OK, there was NO need for that scene after all!!!!
( ) Ronnie: I’m traumatised!
( ) Alex: no more scars for me ever
( ) Ronnie: I’m allergic to chicks with scars now too…
( ) Ronnie: maybe Yoji can jack off to one-eye chick?
( ) Alex: one eye is looking good, woman of few words though
( ) Ronnie: nice twist…
( ) Alex: very nice
( ) Alex: this has turned into a fine flick from very humble beginnings
( ) Ronnie: indeed, I’m quite proud of this quite lucky choice 😀
( ) Alex: hopefully it makes good on all this exposition it has thrown at us
( ) Alex: have you ever seen the movie The Guyver
( ) Ronnie: I’ve seen the movies, the animes AND read the mangas
( ) Alex: this reminds of The Guyver SOOOO much
( ) Ronnie: yep, definitely
( ) Alex: not that that is a bad thing
( ) Alex: cause Guyver kicks ass
( ) Ronnie: indeed!
( ) Alex: holy shit
( ) Ronnie: oh my!
( ) Alex: did he rip a hole through his face?
( ) Ronnie: in short: yes
( ) Alex: bad ass
( ) Ronnie: should have shown her raping the rapist 😀
( ) Ronnie: nice!
( ) Alex: its the hunchback of notre dame
( ) Ronnie: Esmerelda…
( ) Alex: I keep half expecting to hear the theme song from Mortal Kombat play any second
( ) Ronnie: well this is the place to get the skull and spine ripped out
( ) Ronnie: the old ‘human shield’ defence
( ) Alex: he is punching the hell outta that ball sack
( ) Ronnie: yeah, smacking his chick in the sack 😀
( ) Ronnie: imagine walking down that alleyway while taking a short-cut home while that’s getting filmed… 😀
( ) Alex: i would have to change my pants
( ) Alex: worst CGI ever
( ) Ronnie: yeah, but good idea none the less 😀
( ) Alex: the editing is really holding all the intense scenes together
( ) Ronnie: well, it’s certainly never been boring…
( ) Alex: i agree
( ) Ronnie: it’s jizzing on him!
( ) Alex: what is this, FEAST?
( ) Ronnie: no, there’s been no monster cocks stuck in doors 😀
( ) Alex: give it time….
( ) Ronnie: anything is possible
( ) Alex: where did she get a flame thrower/bone launcher
( ) Ronnie: Christ only knows…
( ) Ronnie: WHAT THE?!
( ) Alex: I give up trying to apply logic
( ) Alex: i’m just enjoying the blood
( ) Ronnie: logic is futile…
( ) Alex: love story time
( ) Ronnie: yep, ‘fraid so…
( ) Ronnie: hardy little fuckers them parasites…
( ) Alex: energizer bunnies of evil parasites
( ) Ronnie: what the hell now??!
( ) Ronnie: dear Lord…….
( ) Alex: wtf
( ) Ronnie: where’d the big gun go?
( ) Alex: his chest cannon
( ) Ronnie: uh oh… what now…
( ) Alex: :shakes head trying to figure out what the fuck is going on:
( ) Ronnie: ditto
( ) Ronnie: I…. *speechless*
( ) Alex: that was good, I would say Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore police were better
( ) Alex: I will say 2.5 stars
( ) Ronnie: TGP was definitely much better.
( ) Ronnie: But I’d give that… oh, at least 3.5
( ) Ronnie: Very fun and gory
( ) Alex: i feel similarly just to a lesser degree
( ) Alex: I would recommend that easily though
( ) Ronnie: yeah, definitely!