proximo Synopsis: A restaurant employee murders his boss and mutilates his wife, he escapes to South Africa where he rapes a Zulu-girl, who is infected with the Ebola virus. In the restaurant where he now works he murders his boss and the bosses wife after raping her. He chops them up and makes them into hamburgers, which he sells in the restaurant, spreading the Ebola virus. When the police come on his trail he moves back to Hong Kong and an Ebola epidemic starts there.
Alex: 1986, the year yours truly was birthed
Ronnie: kid chucked out to ‘go and play’ something’s happening…
Alex: 50 seconds in, and we are already at the raping?
Ronnie: yeah, them Easterners don’t mess about
Alex: I believe the male actor was in Versus, or something else I have seen super recently
Ronnie: that’s it, make the bitch quiet 😀
Alex: and the guy with the hardened looking face was in about 44 John Woo movies, always the bad guy
Alex: of course it would be better if I could remember the names…
Ronnie: a guy called ‘Nam’?
Alex: Golder shower?
Alex: this movie isn’t screwing around
Alex: “Nam” does seem like a highly unfortunate name for someone living in Hong Kong
Alex: The old “I’ll castrate myself” trick
Ronnie: yay! he’s gone schitzo!
Alex: He did good “crazy eyes”
Ronnie: he did good monkey faces…
Alex: He can “smell” the child?!?!?!?
Ronnie: ‘I’m killing them. Is that a problem?’ 😀
Ronnie: Eight minutes in and the credits start. This is worse than the Yank movies! 😀
Alex: “After Kai killed three peoples, he was still on the run.” Yup that’s right, “peoples.”
Ronnie: yeah, it’s in Engrish
Alex: Yeah, we almost had a small girl get lit on fire, colour me interested
Ronnie: and the music is like a mix of Rob Zombie and Morricone
Alex: I wish the soundtrack were either of those two
Alex: This flick has an unhealthy obsession with penis size
Ronnie: yeah, it’s making me feel very self conscious…
Alex: did you catch a glimpse of the bow tie on that stewardess?
Ronnie: oh! A Scotland flag!
Alex: it was bigger than her head
Alex: I don’t see any rain
Alex: can’t be Scotland
Ronnie: your penis, or the Scotland flag?
Ronnie: it’s not, but the airport had a Scotland flag
Ronnie: yay for bad dubbing too
Ronnie: ‘The yellow bastard wants a fight’ – best line yet 😀
Ronnie: and the old ‘I curse you in a language you don’t understand’ trick
Alex: so much racism, was this written by the creators of South Park?
Ronnie: dragging a full dead pig through a restaurant… awesome!
Alex: oooooo, flashback in the bathroom mirror, nicely done.
Ronnie: yeah, so she’s the kid that nearly got toasted?
Alex: I’m assuming so, yeah.
Alex: I see a white woman begging to be a victim.
Alex: so our hero like prostitutes
Ronnie: I have a bad feeling about this…
Alex: yeah, you sure know how to pick em!
Ronnie: ‘It’s a bird’? What’s with this sex scene??
Alex: I am so confused
Ronnie: Well that slab of meat will be a bit more salty than usual….
Alex: this is the kinda movie you just can’t explain to anyone because they wouldn’t believe you
Alex: alright, well we have confirmation on the little girl being the now grown up girl
Alex: when the hell did we go to the safari?
Ronnie: Dunno, but I hope there’s some tigers to attack people…
Alex: ask and you shall receive Ronnie
Alex: oh wow, that’s a REAL TIGER
Ronnie: it’s a Cheetah dumb ass! 😀
Ronnie: Tigers have stripes
Alex: oh, well same thing. Cat Family, dangerous, scary.
Ronnie: I like this guy, he’s a complete perv 😀
Alex: this has turned in a nature show
Alex: yeah, well nature show besides the high school level dialogue of “look, boobies. hehehe” 🙂
Alex: now I’m getting some Cannibal Holocaust/Ferox vibes
Alex: which is never a bad thing
Ronnie: it’s like National Geographic now…
Alex: or Roots
Ronnie: boobies! hehehe 😀
Ronnie: bird flu!
Ronnie: that was quite possibly the worst cut ever
Alex: there was a pig earlier, maybe there was some swine flu!
Ronnie: you never know!
Alex: keep your eyes open for low-flying pandemy
Ronnie: why do these ‘South Africans’ speak English?
Alex: I am actually watching this with my mouth open, wondering what the hell will happen next
Alex: they are running out of taboos
Ronnie: nice place to quit your job – middle of Africa
Alex: i bet they wouldn’t get cell phone service out there either
Ronnie: hurry, she’s still warm!
Ronnie: what was that you were saying about the taboos?
Alex: I’m actually speechless
Alex: alright, so maybe they aren’t nearly out of taboos
Ronnie: there’s always worse
Ronnie: she’s such a nice woman…
Ronnie: God I hope she gets Ebola
Alex: it is destined to happen
Alex: ahh they visited a Zulu tribe, good to know they didn’t even try and use a slightly lesser known tribe
Ronnie: ‘Zulu’s, thousands of ’em!’
Alex: I think that’s a special Sars model mask
Alex: or a white version of Sub-Zero’s mask from Mortal Kombat, it is hard to tell the difference
Ronnie: I do believe the mask is, in fact, upside down…
Alex: ahhh i just got a good look, yeah it was
Alex: Evil crazy bitch wife dies in 3……..2………1……..
Alex: so basically, our…*ahem*….”hero” is an Ebola infected, rapist and killing machine?
Ronnie: What bad luck. caught humping TWO bosses wives!
Alex: his timing is awful, but man he is one hell of a scrappy fighter!
Ronnie: HIGHLY extended ‘i’m in pain’ scene
Ronnie: … and death by door
Alex: so one death by a folding table, and now a death by glass door
Alex: 2 rapes and an attempted rape
Alex: a death by garden shears to the package
Ronnie: she’s gonna bite! I just know it…
Alex: Last house on the left style, the original, of course!
Ronnie: more monkey faces…
Alex: death by yet another table
Alex: Ebola infected Furniture rape ninja?!?!?!?!?!?
Ronnie: very resourceful this killer…
Alex: and then after killing his bosses, he goes back to work
Ronnie: overtime, without pay
Alex: he could probably start a nice little escrow account now though
Alex: considering is, by Hong Kong law, now the owner of the restaurant
Ronnie: why isn’t he raping the dead body?
Ronnie: bitch burgers 😀
Alex: lol, well done Ronnie, I was trying to think of something to say there
Alex: if this turns into a zombie thing, I will be SO happy
Ronnie: that’d be awesome
Alex: please let this all be an elaborate set up for a zombie A-pork-alypse
Alex: see what i did there Ronnie?
Ronnie: a-pork-alypse, absolutely no need for that joke! 😀
Alex: I tried, what can I say, no excuse for it, but it had to be done
Alex: how about a HAM-demic?
Ronnie: you mean epidemic?
Alex: i prefer hamdemic
Alex: i thought for a second instead of money, that would be a Necronomicon!
Alex: holy shit, I forgot about the little girl all grown up
Ronnie: where is the Ebola virus now? As it seems he doesn’t have it? It kills within several days
Alex: I guess if he fills up his health bar with rape experience points
Alex: he can debuff the effects of the Ebola?
Ronnie: doubt it… but seems so
Alex: deepest black guy voice ever in film
Alex: i hope this movie is on YouTube so we can share that with our readers, its hilarious
Ronnie: I don’t understand why it keeps jumping to English!
Ronnie: that inspectors voice is bizarre!
Alex: its definitely throwing me off
Alex: and they are dropping like flies now from Ebola!
Ronnie: Ebola liquefies peoples organs gradually, not just one particular day!
Alex: omg, the dad starts convulsing and then the kid, simply by touch, started convulsing
Ronnie: did he serve the entire country??!
Alex: this movie isn’t even following its own set of rules!
Ronnie: I didn’t think it had any
Alex: since when did he have a moustache?
Ronnie: did they really need to show us him rubbing his groin??
Alex: at this point, a minor package cupping is the least of my worries
Alex: finally, some proper gore
Ronnie: why isn’t he dying from it? He had it first
Ronnie: ‘turned to mush’ – very medical
Alex: just like on discovery channel
Alex: but hey, they are ripping a guy face off
Alex: so i’m totally OK with how this autopsy scene is going.
Alex: direct quote from chief of police: “WHAT?!?!?!? EBOLA?!?!?!?”
Ronnie: yeah, what kind of posh hotel doesn’t provide hookers??
Alex: the kind i will never go to
Ronnie: the kind I can’t afford
Ronnie: (hotels and hookers) 😀
Alex: i can usually afford only one
Ronnie: the worst one?
Alex: not answering that =)
Alex: where the hell is this movie going
Alex: I LOVE SCRABBLE, apparently she doesn’t though
Ronnie: How many points for ‘EBOLA’?
Alex: +10 points to Ronnie for a scrabble + movie title tie-in joke
Ronnie: thanks 🙂
Alex: looks like were, at the 1 hour and 5 minute mark, finally being introduced to the people who will take down Captain Ebola
Ronnie: comedy… gotta love it
Alex: so, we weren’t supposed to be laughing this whole time?
Ronnie: I don’t think so, no.
Alex: is that computer running windows? Looks like all it could handle was pong
Ronnie: Probably running a nice little Linux distro 🙂
Alex: so this went from sleaze/exploitation movie, to a safari nature film, to a weird softcore porn, and now it is a detective story
Ronnie: best reaction ever: ‘FUCK!’ *bangs table* 😀
Alex: “I just received a fax from South Africa” direct quote
Alex: who the fuck FAXED THEM? THE ZULUS?!?!?!?!?
Ronnie: you just never know with this film!
Alex: I know South Africa has some nice spots, but I don’t think they were “fax ready” in 1996
Alex: and if they were, they were probably just sending pictures of boobies
Ronnie: why did they just show a mouse being run over?
Alex: it had been a while since they showed a dead animal
Alex: they have to meet a quota
Ronnie: I suppose, yeah 😀
Alex: so he (Ebola man) is trying to marry his…cousin?
Alex: or whatever she is to him
Alex: i like the “mouth vision”
Alex: that’s two weeks in a row he have gotten pov of the “killer”
Alex: penis cam last week, mouth/Ebola-germ cam tonight
Ronnie: even when it’s an airborne virus
Alex: did you see that dudes chest tattoo? Looked like the Asian Danny Trejo
Alex: more random convulsions in the street
Ronnie: and at work
Alex: at work makes sense
Alex: I’ve convulsed plenty of times on the job
Ronnie: notice how the woman manages to spasm without opening her legs?
Alex: gotta be self-aware, even in the death throws
Ronnie: it’s that scary music again
Alex: don’t want anyone looking up your dress while your trying your best not to die
Alex: nice detox suits, the one guy checked it out as if he was making sure the color brought out his eyes
Ronnie: I think it was his colour…
Alex: orange really works for him
Ronnie: more random spaz attacks
Alex: we are nearing the endgame here
Alex: the cunning detectives are hot on the trail of Ebola man
Ronnie: EIGHT victims?! There were dozens in the hospital!
Alex: lol, I’m at a loss
Alex: there have been like dozens of victims
Alex: I’m hoping they riddle this guy with bullets John Woo style
Ronnie: very inconspicuous to run about with a meat cleaver!
Ronnie: hostage time!
Alex: he’s holding a kid hostage with a meat clever, I’m pretty sure one well placed shot would end this
Alex: I’ve played enough video games to be able to hit him, give me the gun!
Ronnie: disinfect the middle of a street??!!
Alex: it takes A LOT of Fabreeze
Alex: finally, someone showed up with a goddamn sniper rifle
Ronnie: just shoot him in the leg…
Alex: where did the sniper go?
Ronnie: your answer…
Alex: wait, that was a tranquillizer gun?
Alex: what a cock-tease
Ronnie: apparently so
Ronnie: yay, flame-thrower!
Alex: almost, I actually thought that was pretty cool
Alex: it was like some jerry-rigged cooking device
Alex: lit on fire, hit by a car, and then shot like 6 times!!!!
Ronnie: on fire, run over AND shot! 😀
Alex: uh oh, setting up the sequel!!
Ronnie: oh that’s quite a sneaky pass though…
Ronnie: good ending…
Alex: any time i set someone set on fire, hit by a car, and shot, i can safely say that ending was good
Alex: everything up until that point however….
Ronnie: was crazy
Ronnie: Either way, I’m giving it four stars 🙂
Ronnie: deserves it for the madness and comedy in one package
Alex: ooooo very high
Alex: I will go 2
Ronnie: musically TWO?!
Alex: there was a great movie in there, but I was put off by the indulgences of the lunacy, instead of trying to control in a bit
Ronnie: I must disagree. It started off pretty brutal, went mad, went brutal again and all the while having some comedy elements.
Alex: we agree to disagree then. We need Erin here next week to be the tie-breaker in these situations.
Alex: I will say that it’s certainly recommendable to anything who loves wacky Hong Kong fun.
Ronnie: I agree there!
http://solent-art.co.uk/category/paintings/subject/urban/ Ronnie: Bilqās Rating: