Sadly, this is the best lead-in image I could find. Yeah, I know. I'm disappointed too.

First of all, let me state that the title of this film is actually The Guyver Dark Hero, not The Guyver 2 Dark Hero.  I decided to call it The Guyver 2: Dark Hero so that everyone will understand this is indeed a direct sequel to The Guyver, the 1991 film I recently reviewed.  In that review, I dissected my own memories of The Guyver a bit, and learned that not everything I enjoyed when I was younger holds up as well today.  As luck would have it though, during my light research for The Guyver review, I stumbled upon its straight-to-video R-Rated sequel, and still being in the mood to see stuntmen in elaborate rubber suits and armor beat the shit out of each other, I jumped on it.  This has turned out to be one of the best decisions of my weekend, and possibly my entire month!

To sum up the plot, I have to make a choice.  Do I assume you have seen the first Guyver movie, or do I just start from the beginning?  I’ll give you a brief summary of the initial live action installment, and then bleed it into the plot synopsis of the second entry.

*Spoiler Alert* (If you haven’t seen the first movie, this will ruin it for you.)

In the first Guyver, Sean Barker, a typical college aged white guy, stumbles upon the Guyver unit, which he then uses to save his girlfriend Mizky, who was the daughter of the doctor who stole the unit from the Chronos corporation, which is a company that is a front for shape shifting evil Zoanoids (Aliens).  Phew, that was a mouthful.  In the process he destroys the Chronos L.A. base, seemingly removing that threat.  It is now some time down the road, and he (Sean Barker/The Guyver) is the resident anti-hero of L.A having mastered control over the activation of his parasitic armament.  After the opening scene where e, in very graphic fashion, takes down a group of drug smugglers, his relationship with Mizky is ended, because she can’t stomach his murderous hero lifestyle.  All the while he is having visionary dreams, jotting down the images that come to him during his slumber in a notebook.  These images match those found at a archaelogical dig, a location also reported to be host to “werewolf attacks.”  Sean Barker, knowing that the Zoanoids and their shape shifting ways have been responsible for the myths of vampires and werewolves throughout recorded history, goes to investigate.  Ok, now that we are done with introduction…

ON TO THE REVIEW!!!!!! SALLY FORTH!

For the sake of organization (and my own minor fits with obsessive compulsive disorder) I will break this review down into three main parts, the same way I did with The Guyver review.  The first item up for examination will be the acting.  David Hayter, famous for voicing Solid Snake in some of the titles of that popular video game series as well as writing the screenplay for the recent Watchmen movie as well as X-men and X-men 2, takes over the reigns as Sean Barker/The Guyver.  He does an admirable job, much better than his predecessor Jack Armstrong, but still seems to be overdoing in spots, contorting his face into overly expressive shapes and not being subtle enough in his approach.  I wasn’t expecting miracles here, but someone could have slipped a whisper into his ear and told him to turn it down a notch so when his character is upset, it doesn’t look like he is pumping out a sharp, painful, triangular poop.  Besides Hayter, the only performance that is memorable is that of Kathy Christopherson, who plays the love interest to our lead, Cori.  She does her best to summon the ghost of Vivian Wu’s fucking hideous performance in the first film, but even she can’t sink as low as Wu did.  She has her moments where you can tell why she is an actress who would be hired, but she suffers from the say same “way too busy with facial expressions” syndrome that Hayter succumbs to.  Everyone else in the movie is just kind of there, and to my limited knowledge, they are no one of note.

Do you think I should get my nose done?

The directing in a major step up from the first movie beyond a shadow of a doubt.  That isn’t to say it is without its faults, but the good far outweighs the bad.  Steve Wang is credited as one half of the directing team of the original flick, but here he shows a much different, and much more appropriate visual style, especially during combat.  Where I feel the ball is dropped is during the middle stanza, where Wang brings the movie to a crawl as he attempts to examine the psychological and cultural implications of the existence of the Zoanoids, as well as the cultural and scientific weight of the…”relic” that is found during the dig.  I praise him for exposing more than just the tip of the iceberg of The Guyver mythos, but at the same time I loathe the fact that it makes the middle piece of what otherwise is a highly entertaining sci-fi action picture such a chore to sit through.  There were times where I wondered if I should turn it off, or fast foward a bit to save myself some time, but in the end I was very glad I stuck with it.  The reason for that is right around the 1 hour mark, right when the sluggish pace was really starting to test my patience, Wang put his stomps his foot down on the accelerator HARD.  The last 45 minutes is a blissful orgy of well lit monster martial arts mayhem.  The fighting is edited and shot masterfully, bringing the distinct oriental flavor that was criminally absent in the first film.  Another key element is that there is limited use of music during these fights, meaning that all the impact and the “boosting” and “whooshing” sounds The Guyver makes as his suit propels his up from the ground or through the air are that much more clear and emphasized.  Tag that along with the leeway that the R rating gives, and the violence transcends above what it looks like on screen, which is simply guys in suits doing flips and ninja stuff.  I will post a video to show you how effective this is below.  One last thing to mention would be the pleasurable nighttime cinmetography.  You can see everything that goes on clearly, and it never hinders the images quality.

The Guyver during one of my favorite fight scenes in the movie. He delivers a crazy arachnid kick (wrestling fans will get that) to the back of this Beast.

If you thought the effects were good in The Guyver (not only were they good, they were the driving force behind the whole damn thing) then you better hold onto your hat, because the sequel brings the rubber suits and thin, watery Japanese blood by the goddamn bucket full.  The amount of on screen monsters and varying make-up and suits has doubled, and the addition of gore has helped to bring even the most immediately laughable creations to a more serious level.  Sure, the guy who looks like a cross between a bumblebee and an ant looks funny at first, but wait until he gets his head cut off.  And pictured above, that beast is a cross between a hedgehog, porcupine, and a iconic werewolf.  Silly at first, but when you see the absolute devastation The Guyver lays down on it, which includes a double barrelled laser blast that implodes both the creatures eyeballs, you won’t be laughing.  Instead you’ll be saying “OH SHIT! That was effin’ AMAZING.”  I can’t give enough credit to whomever choreographed these fights, as well as the editor who picked and spliced just the right shots to make the combat and monster shenanigans less of a laughable affair, and more of a dead serious struggle for the preservation of Earth and the human race.  The bright red, shiny blood flows pretty liberally too, showing that Sean Barker and his opposition are much more intent on getting the job done this time around.  Killing is not just the last option, it is the only option.  The only word I can summon to describe the entire special effects package on display here is superb.  It is a major step forward, and my only regret is the days when audiences could marvel at the handiwork of artists with paint, latex, rubber, and plastic maybe be behind us.

You got a little something on your lip there Zoanoid. To your left. Yeah, you got it.

In closing, Dark Hero is a few light years ahead of The Guyver.  It suffers from an obviously low budget, which I’m sure was set low due to the less than favorable reception of the first film.  But despite having no name actors, a mountain of bad reputation to try and repel, and a rare R Rating for these types of genre fare, Dark Hero succeeds in being, if nothing else, a satisfying guilty pleasure.  The direction and acting are both adequate, and at times break free from the schlocky straight-to-video chains that bind them, but the martial arts, costume design, and unexpected grisly violence all elevate this just enough to be considered a hidden gem of the mid 90′s.  It isn’t a must watch, but it is surely something that made my entire weekend, and filled the empty void left inside me after the dissapointment that was my rewatching of The Guyver 1.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

P.S.  A 2005 “re-edit” with new music and and enhanced digital effects is available in 13 parts for free on youtube, for those who aren’t download or amazon savvy. Here is a link to Part 1.

Food allergies are killer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnQnP5ibCLM

Awful box art. I never dug the split face thing, and this makes it seem as if Hamill is the Guyver, which he is not.

The Guyver was one of my first introductions to B grade sci-fi when I was a little tyke.  Back in the days of HBO and its kind, weird and out of the way movies were often played either late at night or early in the morning, and it was there where I first laid eyes upon this manga derived creature feature.

For those unfamiliar with the basics of The Guyver universe, the story is primarily centered around a bio-mechanical suit of armor, The Guyver, that has the ability to fuse with and be stored inside it’s heroic host when not in use.  The cyborg like suit gives its user all the standard bonuses we sci-fi fans are used to, including increased speed, strength, and jumping ability as well as some nifty blades that protrude from the elbow of the suit and are retractable.  The suits origin is alien, as is the entire human race.  We were put here by aliens in order to create the ultimate organic weapon, Mankind.  There are also some Zoanoids, which are the bad aliens who are after The Guyver unit in order to use its power to do evil stuff.  That is about as deep as I’m willing to go as there really isn’t much more to the plot than that.

Probably the most credible actor in this flick.

The acting in the Guyver is on the level of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon episode.  Michael Berryman, of the original The Hills Have Eyes fame, does his best to bring all his natural spookiness to his character, and right behind him is David Gale, whose claim to fame within the horror genre would be his mostly bodiless work in Re-Animator.  Speaking of the Re-Animator connection, Jeffrey Combs also gets a bit part towards the finale of The Guyver, playing Dr. East, undoubtedly a inside joke and reference to his breakthrough role as Dr. Herbert West.  Brian Yuzna is producer here, as he was on Re-Animator, so it’s no surprise he got his old pals to come along for the ride.  Mark Hamill is also in this, although his role is much smaller than the box art indicates.  He is the cop/investigator guy who gets wrapped up in this whole space armor deal, and seems confused as to what kind of film he is actually in.  At certain points he seem relatively playful in his approach, suiting the mood of the movie, and at other times he is visibilty trying too hard to act the shit out of his role.  His uneven performance can’t match the pure suffering and terror that is Vivian Wu however.  She is so annoying and useless that I had to fast forward through some of the scenes where she got more than 2 full sentences to say in succession.  Jack Armstrong as The Guyver/Sean Barker is tolerable, but ultimately insignificant considering the second half of the movie it’s just his voice we hear while a stuntman kicks ass in the armor.  Linnea Quigley also shows up for about 2 seconds, she screams and looks good in tight clothing, which is actually a great way to sum up her career as a Scream Queen.

Linnea Quigley also has a cameo, and true to her moniker of Scream Queen, she pretty much only screams and looks good.

So the acting really doesn’t do the film any favors, as it is more fun to see who pops up in this film, than it is to actually watch any of them act.  Sadly, the directing doesn’t quite make up for it.  Screaming Mad George is behind the lens for this one, someone who is best known for being the mastermind behind some of the effects for the sci-fi mega hit Predator.  But while every monster and special effect I have seen from him I have absolutely loved (he is big into robotics, stop-motion animation, practical and prosthetic effects, and even some clay work) his directing leaves much to be desired.  George doesn’t try to do anything special or fancy, with the exception being the comic book like screen slices where the next scene cuts the previous seen in half diagonally like a sword for a transition.  Instead, his direction feels very pedestrian, going beyond simply observing what is going on, to the point where the camera just feels kind of boring.  Usually, I favor this approach to the shaky cam of today, or the overuse of filters and screen effects that can all to often destroy a scene, but The Guyver, and its history of stylized, edgey mangas, seemed to beg for a more interesting visual take.  Maybe the budget had something to do with it, or maybe Yuzna got his hands in there  too much, but for wahetver reason, The Guyver falls flat a few times too many to be constantly and thoroughly exciting.  And just for arguments sake, if this ever gets remade or rebooted, I place my vote for either Takeshi Miike or Ryûhei Kitamura to get the job as director.

"Why yes, I am the completely creepy big bad guy. What gave me away? Was it my pedophile smile?"

By now, you may be wondering why you should waste any of your precious time watching this flick.  And I gotta say, if it were not for the special effects, this may have been a complete wash.  Screaming Mad George makes up for his directing sins by putting together some of the best rubber suits and robotics I have seen.  The Guyver armor itself is emaculate, full of moving parts while still being form fitting to whomever was in it at the time.  It has that “you can almost feel it and you could reach out and touch it” quality to it that modern movies just can’t muster as long as they hobble along with the crutch that is computer graphics.  Besides the amazing job on our hero, the bad guys get it just as good, with each Zoanoid getting a personalized and very distinct look in their monster form.  There are even furry monster boobs.  Ever creature design also feels original, and personal to each character, meaning their monster form matches, to an extent, what they look like in human form, along with their personality.  The afforementioned directing gets it right on this one aspect, showing the monsters in full view and allowing them to be very active when fighting, showing the suits are not just for show but actually made to be flexible enough to fight in and move around in fluidly.  The creature design is so good, it validates the whole picture.

I couldn't talk about how good the costumes are and not show you one!

The Guyver is certainly a case of personal nostalgia shining down its radiant glow on a movie memory of mine and making it seem brighter.  The Guyver isn’t a worthless film, it just isn’t a terrifically good one.  There is an incredible amount of depth to be explored in its universe, and this film barely scratches the surface of  the psycholigcal and biological relationships that a regular human would have with such unprecedented alien equipment.  Not to mention, the untapped potential of the human race finding out it was created by aliens in an attempt to create the ultimate organic warmachine.  I don’t expect some deep thinking mans sci-fi tale, but The Guyver I remembered from when I was young was better than this.  For cheesy sci-fi completists and Yuzna and company fans, this is a must just to see the special effects and cult actors as work.  Outside of those camps, it is a tough sell.

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

He needs a catchphrase.

Çilgin kiz ve üç süper adam (aka: 3 Supermen and Mad Girl)

Normally, I would start my review with some pithy comments and an IMDb synopsis. Unfortunately, this movie is so rare (read: barking mad) that IMDb has literally nothing on it, and it took me some leet Google-ninja skills just to get the poster (left)!

Before I get in to the review I have to preface it with this: this movie is old, probably ripped from an old billionth generation VHS tape, in Turkish and (as if that’s not bad enough) has no subtitles/English what so ever. So without further ado, here’s what myself (Ronnie), Alex, and Erin could decypher from the film.

In a deep underground cave, some fit chick in a skimpy red outfit (and wearing Elton John’s reject glasses) is plotting some evil deeds.

Mad Girl - in her mad outfit, mad glasses and mad technology

Her boss seems to be some guy who’s wearing a two dollar mask and sits on his fat ass for the whole film, he’s maybe a cripple, but I can’t prove that.

Satan, 666 - I think that's what his mask cost him, $6.66

Their minions seem to be KKK Klansmen, but in green:

The henchmen - no seriously, it is!

… and their ultimate weapon seems to be a robot made out of cardboard boxes sprayed with silver paint:

ILM - eat your heart out...

We are then introduced to the first of the supermen, lying on a boat, surrounded by chicks while Tom Jones is playing in the background. Enter the other two goons supermen, the three of them dress up in red costumes (with black capes), branded with an ‘S’, and the tight outfits apparently make them bullet-proof.

The 3 'Supermen' - I use the term 'supermen' VERY loosely!

Our heroes then head off to a sleazy bar in their beetle. Fly? Heavens no. Why fly when they have their ‘Beetle Of Justice’ (™, Alex). Their car journey is accompanied by some fine circa 1970 organ music. Beautiful. After bitch-slapping one girl several times, she is shot by a henchman which causes an epic battle on a rooftop. Which seems to be about an envelope (or something).

One superman rescues a chick from a car (for reasons unknown) and she’s smitten by the Beetle Of Justice:

Behold! The Beetle Of Justice! *fanfare*

After another epic battle, one of the supermen is captured, put on a table and spun several times. As Erin said: obviously dizziness is his Kryponite.

One of several super-taint shots...

He is, eventually, rescued by the other supermen where we were so close to getting a good nudie scene, except for one little green fucker who interrupts. He deserves to die 1,000 deaths.

I hope that little green guy dies, he spoiled the potential nude scene. Bastard!

After the (near)naked chick is captured, our heroes (again) spring in to action in their hot-rod:

The Supermen to the (somewhat slow) rescue!

They are again in a scuffle, this time in a large expanse of grassy area. Obviously the sun must have been out that day as the entire screen is white and we can hardly see a damn thing.

The kidnapped chick is now tied up in Mad Girls underground lair. Kinky! After which we FINALLY, after fifty minutes of this nonsense, get to see some boobage:

Are they allowed to show boobs in Turkey?

After the supermen crash their entirely uneventful orgy of nothingness, Mad Girl is nearly captured! Gasp! But she manages to escape back to $2-mask-Satan. But unfortunately, for one of the supermen, the cardboard robot is set free! But fear not, it is disabled as Mad Girl heads back to her (kinky) dungeon to try and strangle the kidnapped chick with a large piece of chain. But the supermen crash this party too and save the day. Not only that, but someone finally phones the cops. They have police in Turkey? Well I’ll be…

But the evil protagonist isn’t done yet, he still has the all powerful robot of doom!

The evil robot, dubbed 'drill-do' by Alex

The movie finishes with the cops closing in on Mad Girl where she, and the evil old guy (whoever he is) are arrested.

Your nicked!

And so, the reign of Mad Girl (and Old Guy) has come to an end. But since it’s Turkey, I’m sure they’ll probably bribe their way out of prison to terrorise the 3 Supermen once again.

I just want to add that if you, the reader, think I’ve embelished the plot with superflous details to make it sound funny, I have NOT! All the stuff about them not flying, driving around, several superman taint shots (noticed by Erin I may add), making them dizzy… it’s all there! Honest! And when I say it was a billionth generation VHS, I’m not kidding:

This happened a few times throughout the film...

I have to say, this film was a barrell of laughs. So bad it was hilarious. It seems to be so obscure that clips of it aren’t even on YouTube. I’ll maybe put up one or two later.

The all important ratings:

Ronnies Rating: 5 out of 5 stars = 14 out of 5 (just to three-up Alex)

Erins Rating: 5 out of 5 stars = 8 out of 5

Alexs Rating: 5 out of 5 stars = 11 out of 5

UPDATE: don’t say we’re not good to you readers. I personally uploaded the first ten minutes of this superhero madness to YouTube, just for you. Yes, you. You personally!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziRJOICt8Mw

Yeah, I know Batman isn’t a Marvel Hero and he doesn’t fit, but he’s the Dark Knight, how could I deny him?

But seriously, if anyone out there in Hollywood needs someone to tell you how to make a proper comic book superhero movie or a great movie trailer, Alex a.k.a. Bulldozer86 on Midnight Showing is avaiable for a small fee.  Also, I always work with a smile on my face, so that is a bonus, free of charge.

BONUS VIDEO!!!!!!!!!

The goriest work safety video I have ever seen.  It’s also unintentionally hilarious.  The matrix-like “nail” scene is fantastic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAnAaFgjiiA