Return of the Killer Tomatoes (1988)

Plot (?): Mad scientist Professor Gangreen is cooking up the second coming of the Great Tomato Uprising, in which music converted tomatoes into human form to war against mankind. Pizza delivery man Chad Finletter must save the world and beautiful tomato-girl Tara.
Alex: one dollar movie? sounds about right so far…
Ronnie: that was the budget for the first one…
Ronnie: good Lord…
Alex: the secret word of the day is “the”, I am having Pee Wees playhouse flashbacks
Ronnie: he didn’t diddle you too did he??
Alex: Whole lotta flesh running around
Alex: much better start than the original so far
Ronnie: yeah, near-nekkid chicks
Alex: damn, we were in Russ Meyer territory there for a second

A good start to ANY film! Even this one!

Ronnie: hey, isn’t that Dick Van Dyke from that medical show??…
Alex: he is everywhere, so who knows
Alex: he is also a cyborg, fun trivia fact for ya
Alex: so according to what music is playing, the tomatoes can transform into super soldiers?
Ronnie: oh no, flashbacks to the first one!
Alex: GEORGE CLOONEY IS IN THIS?!?!?!?!?!?
Ronnie: I was trying to forget it…
Alex: yeah me too, but this one is off to a much more promising start than the first
Ronnie: gone downhill now though…
Ronnie: how long is this stupid song? Is it the extended remix??
Alex: some of the lyrics are funny, admitting they are already going to do a part 3 is almost clever
Alex: I guess the song is like part and parcel to the Killer Tomatoes series now, unfortunately
Ronnie: Yeah, I spose…
Ronnie: tomato-men…?
Alex: i nailed it, i guess
Alex: the good doctor has found a way to turn tomatoes into super soldiers
Ronnie: that’d be your George Clooney then…

George Clooney - back when he did good films...

Alex: I’m starting to boil over with hate…X-(
Alex: he was cool in From Dusk Till Dawn though
Ronnie: what… Clooney?
Alex: yup
Alex: they are loving the flashbacks to the original, gotta love cheap filler
Alex: that phone call just called out the movie for using all the scenes from the old movie
Alex: kinda clever
Ronnie: yeah, at least they admit it…
Alex: Damn I was hoping Igor was really Igor
Ronnie: yeah, but then… that would have been normal…
Ronnie: this is anything but normal…
Alex: who would want to win a date with Rob Lowe?
Ronnie: why is she dressed like Minnie Mouse?
Alex: why is she dressed at all?
Ronnie: you make a good point…
Alex: and shouldn’t there be some killing that should be getting underway?
Alex: that painting of the house is hilarious
Alex: so shitty
Ronnie: I like the castle…
Alex: me too

No expense spared on the special effects...

Alex: …thats probably the most romantic line in movie history
Ronnie: yeah, but why is he pausing and coving her up??
Alex: must have the gay
Alex: I’m pretty sure this is something akin to a dream come true
Ronnie: ‘take me…’
Alex: truly turning into a Russ Meyer flick
Ronnie: indeed
Alex: alright, this is actually slightly charming with the dialogue, but I need some tomato mayhem with the quickness
Ronnie: yeah, I need more tomato-y goodness…
Ronnie: she’s cute though… which is nice…
Alex: but is she a tomato lady?
Alex: not that I really care
Alex: I kinda want that little tomato doll she is caring around, that thing is squishy and lovable
Alex: oh shit Ronnie, montage time
Ronnie: make one
Alex: get ready for your dose of 80′s “hits”
Ronnie: there won’t be any ‘hits’ in this movie!
Ronnie: maybe from the 80′s, but not hits!
Alex: that sign is great, gotta snapshot that
Alex: WOW, those outfits make the ones Roger Cobb wore look tame
Ronnie: not impressed that there’s no decent shots of the front of her bikini…
Alex: but hey, handcuffs were a nice touch
Ronnie: and smile on her face with the whip

Oh, kinky!

Alex: so the Italian mob now deals tomatoes
Ronnie: yeah… how the mighty have fallen
Ronnie: there’s not enough tomato-y action here
Alex: tomato mayhem better commence soon…
Alex: finally!
Alex: well, our dream girl is in fact a tomato lady
Alex: they are doing the interview thing again
Alex: when they make fun of the old lonely lady
Ronnie: yeah, and I like it…
Alex: such a douche bag move, but it is funny
Alex: “Hey lady has there been a chase scene in this movie yet?”
Alex: I am enjoying the fact they keep shitting on their own movie
Alex: it’s keeping me awake
Ronnie: wish I could say the same…
Alex: it’s basically a Gremlins movie now
Alex: without everything that makes Gremlins awesome
Ronnie: Road Runner & Coyote more like…
Ronnie: She has big boobs…
Alex: the shirt is helping a lot
Alex: shit, we are almost an hour into the pile and still no tomato murders
Ronnie: or nudity!
Alex: LOL OK the movie officially won me back

The director (right) telling everyone that they've ran out of money and it's game over...

Ronnie: yeah, and it has been him playing about three parts…
Alex: stopping the movie entirely to decide how they will raise more money to finish it
Ronnie: and argue about $400 per person
Alex: When I’m thirsty I for a Pepsi cola
Ronnie: OK, too much product placement…
Alex: still not as much as a Michael Bay Film though
Ronnie: OK, I like the corn flakes move
Alex: the corn flakes thing was clever
Alex: right in front of the camera

Some deftly done product placement... can you spot it?

Alex: cowboys are fighting ninjas
Alex: they may have just validated the whole damn movie
Ronnie: I like how they have a completely different actor from the first film
Alex: I think they stopped giving a shit a LONG time ago
Ronnie: and it’s to their credit…
Alex: I love how the pizza delivery boy can afford a convertible
Ronnie: obviously has a good scam going
Alex: the weekend at Bernies-esque soundtrack is starting to get on my damn nerves
Alex: no more synth please
Ronnie: the synth stuff is horrible
Alex: its not even good synth like Goblin and Carpenter
Ronnie: I think this is them trying to be Beverly Hills Cop
Alex: Ronnie what did I say about being a body double in movies?
Alex: you can’t just pimp out your muscular figure all the time
Ronnie: Oh I dunno, it’s worked for quite a few actors…
Alex: great, more synth and sped up film
Ronnie: which needs Benny Hill…
Alex: absolutely
Ronnie: the hot chick is Karen M Waldron, who was also in ‘Cannibal Women In The Avocado Jungle Of Death‘ (and no, I didn’t just make that up…)
Alex: please tell me you can help me make some gifs from this movie
Ronnie: more than likely, yeah
Alex: the motorcycle gear up scene was too much
Ronnie: I like the house with fake rain bits…
Alex: I would say George Clooney should be ashamed of himself, but he probabaly can’t hear me in his house make of solid gold
Alex: the house with the fake rain is really ingenious
Ronnie: I reckon this is probably his best performance!
Alex: such a horrible painting/drawing
Alex: this and from dusk till dawn
Alex: he was also in some high school slasher flick
Alex: Massacre at Horror High I believe
Alex: Carmen Miranda, The Pope, Michael Jackson, Don Johnson
Ronnie: and some hot chick…
Alex: jungle babe
Alex: whoever is playing the evil scientist is a champ
Ronnie: John Astin… (thanks IMDb)

John Astin's mad Professor steals the show...

Alex: cool, I know have seen him before being a creepy guy in other things
Ronnie: fear not, he’s in the other two films too
Alex: I like FT’s method of getting down the stairs
Ronnie: why is it called FT?…
Alex: and the fact that George Clooney apparently carries the script around with him for the movie
Alex: that’s what I’m hearing…
Ronnie: to this very day?
Alex: oh no, it’s the scuba guy again
Alex: actually kinda funny they make him talk with cue cards
Alex: this is light years ahead of the first one
Ronnie: indeed…
Alex: the scoreboard
Ronnie: what about it?
Alex: totally unnecessary
Ronnie: with ‘them’ and ‘us’ on it
Alex: and unfair play written on it
Alex: this is becoming mildly painful
Ronnie: they’re really struggling for jokes now…
Alex: maybes it FB for Fuzzball?
Alex: I don’t care, I still want one
Ronnie: fuzzy tomato?
Alex: yeah
Ronnie: how come there’s more than two quad-bikes now?
Alex: product placement helped with the budget
Ronnie: most definitely!
Alex: hey they cashed in on the secret word thing!
Alex: i was wondering how long that would take
Alex: wow they even remembered the pizza he threw up in the air that never fell
Alex: I’m marginally impressed with that
Ronnie: almost…
Ronnie: they had to fill the time with SOMEthing…
Alex: and they surely didn’t fill the time with a movie
Ronnie: or a script
Alex: this one was written on a cocktail napkin
Ronnie: postage stamp
Alex: …can’t wait for the sequel……
Ronnie: this IS the sequel
Alex: well, you know, the other 2 we are planning on watching
Ronnie: Can it get any worse??! Surely not…
Alex: it can and most likely will
Ronnie: Oh I dunno…
Alex: ok, it was FT
Alex: so Googling an F.T. doll later tonight
Alex: wtf is up with Grandma
Alex: scores?
Ronnie: Lord only knows…
Ronnie: I’m past trying to guess what’s happening!
Ronnie: but at least it was better than the first one!
Alex: well, what do reckon about this fine mess we watched?
Alex: yeah i agree
Ronnie: I’m giving it a 3
Alex: I am going 2
Alex: it wasn’t a complete waste of time, and it has some pretty good ideas
Alex: but now, I must go eat some of my own tomatoes, I believe italian is for dinner tonight!
Ronnie: it was funny in places and even made fun of itself, so it deserves a bit more than the first one

Ronnie’s Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Alex’s Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

The remaining two Killer Tomato movies weren’t quite so well received.

—–

Killer Tomatoes Strike Back:

We managed to watch about one hour of it then all three of us (Ronnie, Alex and Erin) threw in the towel, we just couldn’t take anymore of it.

Ronnie’s Rating: 0.5 out of 5 stars

Alex’s Rating: 0 out of 5 stars

Erin’s Rating: 2 out of 5 stars <– Erin was clearly delirious that night…

—–

Killer Tomatoes Eat France:

This was easily the worst of the lot. Myself (Ronnie) and Alex could only take about 25mins of it before admitting defeat. It really is the most God awful film. EVAR! If you watch it, you deserve all you get, consider this a warning!

Ronnie’s Rating: 0 out of 5 stars

Alex’s Rating: 0 out of 5 stars

Even John Astin couldn’t save this one…

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

Plot (I didn’t even know there was one! – Ronnie): After a wave of reports of mysterious attacks involving people and pets being eaten by the traditionally docile fruit, a special government task force is set up to investigate the violent veggies and put a stop to their murderous spree. Included in this crack team are a lieutenant who never goes anywhere without his parachute, an underwater expert who’s never out of his scuba gear, and a master of disguise who conceals his appearance by dressing as a black Adolf Hitler.
Alex: present day? do we all get presents?
Ronnie: you reckon that was a reverse shot?
Alex: no, not the semi-attractive redhead housewife
Alex: it was a clever reverse shot actually
Alex: it looked good
Ronnie: I’m liking the intro song…
Alex: we have to post the youtube link to the theme song, for all 3 people who read this and haven’t heard it
Ronnie: ‘Miss Potato Famine of 1922′??
Alex: I bet shes hot
Alex: these credits are hilarious “THIS SPACE AVAILABLE CALL”
Ronnie: ‘got little Timmy…’
Alex: i like how it leaves old people alone
Alex: wow they had the money to crash a real helicopter?
Ronnie: WIG!
Alex: and a GREAT wig

Now THAT's a quality rug!

Alex: super spys name is MASON DIXON
Ronnie: are they meeting in a phone box?
Alex: at least they aren’t pretending like there is a plot
Alex: this is Monty Python levels of silly
Ronnie: Monty Python indeed…
Ronnie: but tomato style…

I hope they don't get a fire alarm...

Alex: I’m waiting for Cleese to show up with a dead bird…
Ronnie: hopefully not…
Ronnie: haha… dubbing
Alex: great the jap has come up with a half man half robot, and the dubbing is great
Alex: Tomatoes are fags
Alex: i learn something new everyday
Alex: thats guys face makes me laugh for some reason, def. getting a picture of that
Ronnie: yeah
Alex: JAWS?
Ronnie: swimsuits!
Alex: yup, jaws
Ronnie: tomat-jaws
Alex: jawmatoes even?
Alex: how did we get to motorbikes?
Ronnie: Dunno, but there’s hot chicks…
Alex: wait, there might be boobage, I’m enticed
Alex: how about that Fairchild
Ronnie: mumbling tomatoes?
Alex: they are throwing tomatoes being thrown at the car
Ronnie: what’s with the pens! :/
Alex: The president used the Statue of Liberty as collateral
Ronnie: meh, it’s only a statue anyway…
Ronnie: (French I believe)
Alex: true, I memory serves we got that from the French
Alex: why did they just make a Superman joke
Ronnie: I’ve no idea…
Ronnie: was W Bush President when this was made??
Alex: not yet, nor his father
Ronnie: ‘those funny black ships keep sinking anyway…’
Alex: is the black master of disguise guy dessed like Hitler?
Ronnie: In a word: yes
Ronnie: Why? I do not know…
Alex: this is police academy bad

Several vialiant victims of the great tomato attack of '78

Ronnie: New York? Looks more like the Street of San Francisco…
Alex: I don’t remember trolly cars in New York…um…ever
Ronnie: so we’ve gone from scrolling ‘buy our sofas’ ads to a sing-song? Oh dear…
Alex: look to be that way
Ronnie: from an old dude with while flares on…
Alex: those pants made me a little gay just by seeing them
Ronnie: don’t forget the shirt…
Alex: she movies needs an injection of floozy women and more tomatoes attacks…
Ronnie: very true…
Ronnie: ok, now they’re pretending there’s a story to this…
Ronnie: ‘a lady of the evening’
Alex: yeah…thats usually where it all goes downhill
Ronnie: ok, it’s getting boring now…
Alex: wait, the dog is talking
Alex: oh well i guess non-descript white kid got eaten up
Ronnie: hopefully…
Alex: is that Ernest Borgnine?
Alex: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Alex: ok, that scene won me back for a minute
Ronnie: for his sake, I hope not…
Alex: They are having way to much fun with the captions
Ronnie: was probably a new invention when this was made… it was 1978 after all…
Alex: along with wool suits apparently
Ronnie: that’s the 70′s for ya…
Alex: they are actually onto something with the whole Jesus Christ in commercials
Ronnie: yeah, it’d work…
Ronnie: They had planes in 1978? Holy crap…
Alex: back into the little meeting room
Alex: this scene is actually kind of clever
Ronnie: nice cutting…
Alex: splicing together 2 phone conversations to make one
Alex: that guy with the handgun is about as accurate as my dad when he plays DOOM
Ronnie: I expected the ship to sink…
Alex: THAT would have been funny
Ronnie: it needs the Benny Hill sound track…
Alex: its been needing it for a while
Alex: worst chase ever
Ronnie: yeah but it was meant to be…
Alex: I am still not getting the whole “pens” thing
Ronnie: nah, I don’t get it either…
Alex: oh fuck, musical time again
Ronnie: but getting worse!
Ronnie: ok this is just embarrassing now…
Ronnie: ooh, explosions!
Alex: well, we only got 23 minutes left
Alex: the minature city was kinda funny
Ronnie: Thank God!
Alex: you know what this makes me want to watch?
Ronnie: uh, Airplane?
Alex: no, but that movie eclipses this 10 fold
Alex: some kind of crazy Godzilla movie with really bad minature towns and robots
Ronnie: ok, the interview made me laugh…
Alex: yeah, he called the lady “no spring chicken”
Alex: +.5 stars for using the phrase “spring chicken”
Ronnie: nice cartoon sound effects…
Alex: wiley coyote should pop up any minute now….
Ronnie: I can but hope…
Alex: what the hell is even happeneing in this scene?
Ronnie: I have NO idea…
Alex: douchebag turn around twist OMG
Alex: is that blue and yellow furniture?
Alex: did people actually have that shit back in the day?
Ronnie: oh yes… it’s all being used now in Russia…
Alex: no interest in Russia
Alex: although don’t they have some pretty womenz?
Alex: I would rather hop on over to Amsterdam
Ronnie: Sometimes, yes.
Alex: UPS gets blown away
Alex: what does Puberty love have to do with anything
Ronnie: Please… no. Please don’t play Donny Osmond!
Alex: besides being a Michael Jackson Hit
Ronnie: what’s with the white guy dressed as an Arab?? :/
Alex: I noticed him too! I guess Hezbollah is gonna help fight those dastardly tomatoes
Ronnie: and someone dressed as Groucho Marx
Alex: Well, the Marx thing kind of makes sense
Ronnie: It does?
Alex: I can certainly see some Groucho influence on whomever created this…mastperiece
Ronnie: you have a point there…

They're attacking, and they're tomatoes! AGGHHHHH!!!!

Alex: This is worse than The Baron against the Demons
Alex: in case you were wondering
Ronnie: impossible!
Alex: a tomatoes with HEADPHONES?!?!?!
Alex: very possible
Alex: that is a strong woman to pick him up like that
Alex: oh fuck me running, no more singing
Ronnie: not half! Maybe they used wires…
Ronnie: I’m dropping it .5 for the singing crap…
Alex: so it gets a 0 then?
Ronnie: no no…
Alex: mercifully
Ronnie: *phew!*
Ronnie: well… it was funny (in places) and didn’t even try to be serious (pro’s), but the singing and lack of boobs is a definite con…
Alex: it needed some gore as well
Alex: even terrible gore
Ronnie: true
Ronnie: but, still, I’m giving it a 2
Alex: I’ll go 1
Ronnie: ouch…

Ronnie’s Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Alex’s Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes intro theme:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wfm3_BMinhg