There’s a big valentine-party planned in the little coal mining town of Valentine Bluffs, Nova Scotia. It is the first Valentine’s Day party in 20 years, because then there was an accident in the mine, and the accident happened because the men responsible for the security was at the party. The sole surviving miner, named Harry Warden, later killed them, and told the town NEVER to arrange a Valentine’s Day party again. The party begins, and so does the killing…

Ronnie: Chief Newby ??!
Alex: Neil Affleck is in this movie, hopefully no relation to Ben Affleck
Alex: I thought the intarwebz weren’t invested until the 90′s? How could they have the newby jokes already
Ronnie: oh my!
Alex: oh yes, hot mining sex
Ronnie: 1min 45secs and there’s already a bra!
Alex: its a blonde, but it will do
Alex: her eye makeup looks like Hellen Keller put it on
Ronnie: she’s getting a bit too kinky with that gas mask!
Ronnie: 3mins in and already a kill. Nice
Alex: talk about a heart breaker!!!!
Alex: ahhh the loveable banter between coal mine workers
Alex: quickly followed by an unnecessary all male shower scene
Ronnie: exactly what I was thinking… in fact, I’m typing this with my eyes closed…
Alex: there was no penile exposure, just chests
Ronnie: What is this… Benny Hill??
Alex: yeah this music is really happy for a flick where most of those guys will die
Ronnie: Either that or it’s Wacky Races…
Alex: 80′s women, yes
Alex: no plastic on those specimens
Ronnie: True… them were the days…
Alex: and now, we introduce the old people
Alex: where the old women’s name is….Maple
Ronnie: with two cloned kids in the background
Alex: nothing beats denim jeans with matching denim jackets
Alex: that’s hip
Ronnie: yeah, in 1980
Alex: oh my apologies, old ladies name is Mable
Alex: so instead of being named after syrup, she’s name after floor tile
Ronnie: heart in a box. Nice
Alex: creepy bartender giving them the “warning” speech

Your all doomed! DOOMED I TELL YE!!

Alex: right on schedule
Ronnie: we’re all dooooooomed!
Ronnie: uh oh, the flashback…
Alex: nothing wrong with the flashback, especially if it comes along with some blood and/or boobies!
Ronnie: high methane levels… I think they’re talking about you Alex
Alex: yeah I know, I love my beans what can I say
Alex: whoa, the gore is starting to come hot and heavy now
Alex: in the cannon of masked killers and costumes, I gotta say a coal miners suit is pretty inventive
Ronnie: yeah, kinda creepy with the gas mask
Alex: and the light on the top will make for some misdirection scares I’m sure
Ronnie: have to say though… it’s a bit boring so far
Alex: it’s the set-up, every slasher has to pad time
Alex: i think it is about to get un-boring
Ronnie: how, in the 80′s, could they tell the sex and age just from a heart?
Ronnie: Hope so…
Alex: you know, doctors, and science, and stuff
Ronnie: hey, I was a teenager in the 80′s and there was no intarwebz for them to look that up wikipedia
Alex: rule #1 : Never try to make logical sense of a slasher film
Ronnie: yeah, like who would want to dress up a laundrette?
Alex: that’s where I throw all my parties, in the basement near the washer and drier
Alex: and we sniff laundry detergent
Ronnie: she can fair scream for an old person
Alex: yeah, poor Mable, all she wanted was to win one night at bingo
Alex: and catch reruns of Matlock
Alex: nothing gay about a bunch dudes cooking meat on a car engine in a junk yard
Ronnie: I beg to differ
Alex:
Alex: and 2 of them were playing harmonica
Ronnie: and fighting over some chick
Ronnie: that is a mighty fine moustache
Alex: yeah, you can bet that guys is gonna die horribly
Ronnie: Friday 13th
Alex: just due to the moustache
Alex: i think the movie just kinda winked at us
Alex: and gave the middle finger to my boy Jason

Madame Mabel? She's running a brothel from her laundry... disgusting!

Ronnie: Mabel is a ‘Madame’? She’s running a brothel in her laundrette?
Alex: she was kinda saucy, maybe she’s like the high priced mistress
Alex: the one who leaves scars, mental and physical
Alex: not many men can handle 64 years of sexual experience that Mabel brings to the table
Ronnie: well she’s certainly hot now!
Alex: yeah, warm to the touch!
Ronnie: Nice diversion, making us think it’s the first machine…
Alex: good place to pick a fight, in a volatile coal mine
Alex: when I have disputes over “gals”, I love to take it to environmentally hazardous areas.
Ronnie: oh, a judicial cover up!
Alex: Ronnie, what are they gonna do!!!!!!!
Alex: We are gonna have to cancel the dance!!!!! NOOOOOO!
Ronnie: kidnap!
Alex: how to handle a woman, grab her died the top of her head, and shove her into the car!
Ronnie: uh oh, retrospective romantic moment…
Alex: with equally cheesy romantic music
Alex: TJ looks like a phoenix brother
Alex: we already have Joaquin and River, maybe he can be Hilltop
Ronnie: Hilton more like…
Alex: Hilton Phoenix in, My blood Valentine 2: The Return of the Heartbreaker
Alex: creepy establishing shot of an old house, here comes the boo scare
Ronnie: piano music is a cross between Jaws and Twilight Zone
Alex: nothing wrong with ripping those off
Ronnie: Jesus, how many dozen batteries fit in that torch?!

That torch must take about a dozen batteries... look at it!

Alex: it might as well be a bo staff at that point
Ronnie: there goes their Health & Safety record…
Alex: oh its going straight down the shitter in a few moments
Ronnie: Niiiiice!
Alex: told ya this is gonna get good!
Alex: up through the chin and out the eye socket

I'm all out of witty comments in this case...

Ronnie: state of the art tape deck there…
Alex: nothing says party time like coming through a door and yelling “PARTY TIME!!!!!”
Alex: i have never seen jeans go that high up someone’s chest before
Alex: looks like a health hazard
Ronnie: he’s probably sterile because of them…
Alex: i mean, the belt can double as a bow tie
Alex: death by french frier
Ronnie: almost death by that mad rabid mutt!
Alex: for a minute I was like “do they have fucking wolves in Nova Scotia?!?!?!”
Alex: moustache man is also an excellent peer mediator
Alex: he can break up bar fights with the best of em
Ronnie: or a wrestler
Alex: ill go with wrestler
Alex: I don’t wanna see him in tights however
Alex: were they….snorting cola?
Ronnie: that chirpy cheery guy needs to get bumped off…
Alex: chirpy cheery guys always get bumped of
Alex: uh oh, pre-marital sex
Ronnie: not soon enough
Alex: holy shit, a guy who actually brought a condom
Ronnie: I think she’s practising on herself already…
Alex: that was really slick
Alex: body in the fridge
Ronnie: yeah
Alex: but no one sees it, well done
Alex: uh oh, Mary Jo Horny-Pants days are numbered
Ronnie: took her long enough to find things creepy
Ronnie: death by sweaty miner outfits
Alex: i guess for the gender that has periods, nothing is really that scary
Alex: this miner guy is pretty creative

Very inventive this miner guy...

Ronnie: yeah, definitely!
Ronnie: yes, she’s dead…
Alex: lol, regardless how long you stare at it
Alex: she is STILL dead
Alex: but then again, he could always have a go at her without having to hear the nagging
Alex: she was probably still warm
Ronnie: how does a little fat guy in a bad moustache get a hot chick??! :/
Alex: because in the 80′s, all women weren’t shallow bitches?
Ronnie: fair point!
Alex: (Erin and my mom of course excluded )
Alex: you know what else i noticed?
Ronnie: nice disclaimer… bit late, but nice…
Alex: no black people in Nova Scotia
Alex: usually you get the black guy dies first rule
Ronnie: true
Alex: i am becoming slowly enamoured with the moustache guy
Alex: which means any second now, he will get decapitated or some shit

the man, the moustache, the chick...

Ronnie: because he brings hope to people like us?
Alex: absolutely
Ronnie: and, yeah, he probably will
Alex: and his vest/shirt combo is really sharp!
Ronnie: ten minutes? That long?
Alex: they are gonna meet their friend in “10 minutes at the MAIN SHAFT”
Ronnie: SHE’s about to meet his main shaft in less than ten
Alex: damn, you took the words right outta my mouth
Alex: Nova Scotia is full of pretty girls though
Ronnie: seems so…
Ronnie: and thus, the two love rivals bond
Alex: rampant homo-eroticism
Alex: thanks 1980′s :gives big thumbs up to computer screen!:
Ronnie: indeed, considering they are both going down a big shaft
Alex: two girls alone in the dark, that scene shoulda been MUCH better
Ronnie: it’s not a pr0n film!
Alex: this movie is begging for a porn to be named after it
Alex: “Hey sweetheart, wanna see my mining shaft?”
Alex: “Lemme see where you hide your coal!!!!”
Ronnie: Did he just touch that other guys ass?

Did moustachio-man REALLY need to put his hands there...?

Alex: i think it was more of a grope
Alex: there’s a guy who actually has his last name on the back of his jacket
Alex: where the fuck are these kids parents, by the way?
Ronnie: Its in case he gets lost
Alex: its a town with 20-something’s, a launderette, a mining thingy, and a cop.
Ronnie: could he undo any more buttons on his outfit to reveal more of his chest?
Alex: he might as well just take it off
Alex: its hardly doing him any good
Alex: talk about getting drilled
Ronnie: I didn’t even see the drill until you mentioned it. Possibly a bit TOO subtle
Ronnie: nail-gun torture!
Alex: yeah the drill was a bit hidden
Alex: fucking MPAA always ruining our fun
Alex: wow that boo scare got me
Alex: and i knew it was coming
Ronnie: pull the nails out!
Alex: im pretty sure Hollis is a goner
Alex: R.I.P. moustache man
Ronnie: yes, it was a fine moustache that you carried…
Ronnie: yay! Bitch slapping!
Alex: quickly followed by a ….hug?
Ronnie: yeah, it’s woman to woman
Alex: bad time for an embrace
Ronnie: wait, that would probably happen if it was man to woman too… hmm…
Alex: this chick in the red is about as useful as a third nipple
Ronnie: yeah, and she promised – at the start of the film – that she’d be in a kinky dress, and she’s not! I’m disappointed…
Alex: yeah, i had forgotten about her promise of a slutty revealing dress
Alex: colour me saddened
Ronnie: I never forget such things…
Alex: i see ZERO cleavage
Ronnie: Hey, the films almost done and there’s been NO boobies! I’m deducting points for that…
Ronnie: AND that scene there should have been an upskirt shot…
Alex: now your just getting greedy
Alex: but i agree
Alex: not even a boob flash
Alex: im sur the remake rectified that problem
Ronnie: but probably introduced other problems…
Alex: you’ll know very soon, it is next on my plate to review
Ronnie: Nice!
Alex: OHHHH MAN, noose kill with the neck snap decapitation
Alex: brutal
Ronnie: (the hanging scene, not your next review)
Alex: they weren’t screwing around when they said uncut
Ronnie: Thigh! I saw thight there!
Alex: me too!, quick take a snapshot
Ronnie: Oh I will…

What makes this kill so good? The fact that his head rips off, that's what!

Alex: i will blow it up and put it on my wall
Ronnie: At some point I’ll also review the remake, but I want to see the 3D version
Alex: agreed, i found my 3D glasses
Ronnie: nice!
Alex: oh yeah, boobies and blood…….in 3===D
Ronnie: I have a pair in my Nightmare on Elm Street box set, hope it’s the right kind…
Alex: and i wonder why i am single
Alex: have they changed how 3D since, like, Jaws 3D?
Alex: I hope not
Ronnie: I think so, yeah.
Ronnie: Just that some glasses use blue, some green (with the red)
Alex: well fuck me sideways with a lunch box
Ronnie: I’d rather not
Alex: well back to the plight of Sarah and Patty, the tramp who lied about her dress
Alex: and just received a pick-axe in the gut
Ronnie: In return for no slutty dress, she’s gets the axe!
Ronnie: ha ha! I made a funny!
Alex: yeah, filthy liar
Alex: and your shitty dress
Alex: it always important to become a crying, crumpled mess when faced with a deranged serial killer
Ronnie: oh… well that’s a crushing blow. I had that kid as being the serial killer….
Alex: Indiana Jones rail car scene!!!
Alex: except no short round
Ronnie: what a girly fight…
Alex: its cold down there, and even the killer must be tired
Alex: he has had a long night
Ronnie: Ooooohhhh!!
Alex: TOLD YOU THIS MOVIE WAS AWESOME
Alex: we can’t ruin it
Alex: for the good folk who haven’t yet seen it
Ronnie: erm… that kinda spoiled it
Alex: just remove it from the final thing we post
Alex: but I love that twist
Ronnie: twist was good, I agree.
Alex: and uncut, the kills make much more sense, a lot more brutal
Ronnie: yeah, I can see why it caused controversy in the 80′s
Alex: so in a weird way, we have to thank the remake
Alex: because the remake made them release the original uncut
Ronnie: I dunno if I want to thank the remake… not yet…
Alex: i’ve got a good feeling
Ronnie: but it was good, I liked it…
Alex: I’m glad, it is definitely one of my favourite old school American slasher flicks
Ronnie: and what will Sir be rating it as?
Alex: I am torn between 3.5 and 4
Alex: i will go 3.5
Alex: only because the pacing doesn’t hold up quite as nicely as it did the first time I saw it
Ronnie: As am I – 3.5
Alex: but once things get moving, it becomes very solid
Ronnie: if there hadn’t been so much lovey dovey stuff, and a few boring bits, it’d have been a 4. If they’d cut all that out and put in boobs, it would have been 4.5
Alex: they should make a slasher that is just boobs and kills
Alex: and like 3 lines of dialogue
Alex: the 3 lines being “NOOOOOOOO”, “AHHHHHHH” and “NOOOOO” again
Ronnie: ahhh…. the perfect film…
Alex: we can dream
Ronnie: some day, someone will get it right…
Alex: Hatchet came damn close
Alex: if you haven’t seen that, download it now
Ronnie: Hatchet was pretty good, shame the creature was a bit crazy looking…
Alex: I loved it
Alex: the creature was both laughable and kinda menacing
Alex: which is exactly the balance of fun and grotesque i eat up
Ronnie: it was part hunchback, part Iron Maiden mascot (Eddie)
Alex: …..and that’s fucking awesome!
Alex: plus it was Kane Hodder in the suit
Alex: and Kane Hodder is the man
Ronnie: kinda… preferred Eddie when he was the Somewhere in Time robot
Ronnie: the man with ‘KILL’ tattoo’d on his inner bottom lip…
Alex: Kane Hodder?
Ronnie: yeah
Alex: does he really?
Alex: I had no idea

See? Told you Kane Hodder has 'KILL!' on his bottom lip!

Ronnie Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Alex Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars