Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives (2010)

From IMDb: A group of trannies are violently bashed and left for dead. The surviving ladies regain consciousness, confidence, and courage ready to seek out revenge on the ones who attacked them.

(18:57:10) Alex Seda: Helen Keller Joke right off the bat?
(18:57:13) Ronnie: I’m liking the crackly old style intro credits
(18:57:34) Alex Seda: They are packing on the Grindhouse feel pretty thick
(18:58:35) Alex Seda: This is a pretty slick uninterrupted shot for the credits
(18:59:09) Ronnie: yeah, shame everyone is either called ‘girl’ or ‘honey’
(18:59:41) Ronnie: Written & Directed by Israel?
(18:59:52) Alex Seda: The whole country!
(18:59:55) Ronnie: Jesus Christ they’re horrible trannies!

That's nothing, you should see the fourth one...

(19:00:12) Ronnie: ’Ladies’?! Where??
(19:00:33) Ronnie: ’Bubbles’??!!
(19:00:40) Alex Seda: Well, the title did say that there would be trannies and whatnot
(19:00:52) Alex Seda: Bubbles was my least favorite Powerpuff Girl
(19:00:52) Ronnie: Holy fuck!
(19:01:03) Ronnie: That’s a BIG girl!
(19:01:25) Alex Seda: That’s a whole lotta manwoman
(19:02:12) Ronnie: Tipper Somore? Nice name… +1 for that
(19:02:27) Ronnie: Emma Grashun
(19:02:44) Ronnie: OK, getting silly now, Rachel Slurr
(19:02:44) Alex Seda: I like how they broke this into chapters.
(19:03:03) Ronnie: yeah
(19:03:17) Alex Seda: That was halfway clever
(19:04:14) Ronnie: yeah, like ‘her’ removing a note from between her tits
(19:05:27) Alex Seda: lol, Trannies LOVE Bionic Woman apparently
(19:05:44) Ronnie: yeah, especially ones that still look like a man
(19:05:53) Ronnie: … and get quarters thrown at them.
(19:06:54) Alex Seda: Chapter 2: WEENIELAND
(19:07:05) Ronnie: uh oh… I have a bad feeling about this…
(19:08:01) Alex Seda: Quentin Tarantino style scene
(19:08:32) Ronnie: yeah, too much talking
(19:09:08) Ronnie: ’alternative lifestyle representative’…
(19:10:37) Alex Seda: This is one hell of a soliliquy (sp?)
(19:12:13) Alex Seda: ahhhhhhhhhhh
(19:13:39) Ronnie: face is same as mask… nice
(19:15:06) Ronnie: a tranny that’s had an abortion?
(19:15:25) Alex Seda: I somehow believe thats not possible
(19:15:27) Alex Seda: but then again
(19:15:49) Ronnie: never know with medical science now-a-days
(19:16:03) Alex Seda: too true
(19:16:24) Ronnie: line of the movie so far:
(19:16:38) Ronnie: ’watch your step, your dick will fall out’
(19:16:52) Alex Seda: easily the line of the film thus far
(19:17:03) Alex Seda: I’m pretty sure this is the murdery part
(19:17:40) Ronnie: at least a good beating…
(19:18:58) Alex Seda: This doesn’t at all look like the shadiest place ever
(19:19:23) Ronnie: no no, not at all
(19:19:32) Ronnie: even with Mr. Nacho
(19:19:49) Alex Seda: OH NO
(19:20:02) Alex Seda: abuse man is here with a baseball bat!
(19:20:04) Ronnie: oh dear
(19:22:11) Alex Seda: oh noes, the rapey murderer
(19:22:25) Alex Seda: that’s the double trouble
(19:22:28) Ronnie: greasy rapey murderer
(19:22:45) Alex Seda: with a southern accent
(19:22:51) Alex Seda: so you KNOW he is evil

Sleazy, greasy, rapist man

(19:22:53) Ronnie: ’Greasy Tranny Rapist With a Baseball Bat’ – it’s the next big movie!
(19:23:30) Ronnie: did I just see a man taken down with a bitch slap?
(19:23:35) Alex Seda: You sure as fuck did
(19:23:47) Ronnie: oh the shame
(19:23:47) Alex Seda: manliest bitchslap ever
(19:24:46) Alex Seda: Pinky La’Trimm is hilarious
(19:24:55) Alex Seda: also, I bet that bitch doesn’t play
(19:24:56) Ronnie: yeah
(19:25:35) Ronnie: like the blood and hair on the baseball bat
(19:25:55) Alex Seda: yeah that was a nice touch
(19:26:07) Ronnie: again
(19:26:26) Alex Seda: Now the Greasy raper-muderer man is stealing peoples wigs and shit too
(19:26:28) Alex Seda: that’s ice cold
(19:26:47) Ronnie: has he no decency?!
(19:27:02) Alex Seda: none
(19:27:33) Ronnie: the heels are coming off… this is SERIOUS
(19:27:49) Alex Seda: I was wonderinh ow long it would take
(19:27:58) Alex Seda: because once a broad takes off them heels
(19:28:08) Alex Seda: whoa boy, it is on like Donkey Kong
(19:28:20) Ronnie: it’s like a man taking his jacket off
(19:28:36) Alex Seda: Apparently this is now Tranny Diehard with this lady creeping around in industrial setting with blue lighting
(19:29:01) Ronnie: the blue lighting is the ‘cold environment’ scene tip-off
(19:29:14) Alex Seda: movie-making 101
(19:29:23) Alex Seda: NINJA TRANNY KICK
(19:30:10) Ronnie: uh oh, Pinky’s onto them!
(19:30:25) Alex Seda: Pinky kicked the ever loving shit outta that door
(19:30:29) Ronnie: if she gets on-top of them then there’ll be trouble
(19:31:14) Alex Seda: PENIS STAB!
(19:31:24) Ronnie: yeah, knife to the balls!
(19:31:58) Ronnie: aw it was only a knife to the leg
(19:32:18) Alex Seda: damn
(19:32:20) Ronnie: ewww, heel to the eye!
(19:32:26) Alex Seda: whole lot of dead people
(19:32:35) Alex Seda: I knew the heel to the eye was coming
(19:32:36) Ronnie: Jesus, greasy rapist is still going!
(19:32:57) Alex Seda: You should know after all the rapey revenge flciks we’ve seen, Rapists are superhuman
(19:33:07) Alex Seda: YES missing reels
(19:33:12) Ronnie: oh no, a missing reel!

Ah fuck! I want my money back!

(19:33:16) Alex Seda: we just missed a whole fucking chapter
(19:33:22) Ronnie: ’I'm at the rear entrance’
(19:33:42) Alex Seda: I’m gonna leave that alone
(19:34:49) Ronnie: ’as supportive as your jock strap’
(19:34:55) Ronnie: some really good lines in this film
(19:36:12) Alex Seda: yeah, these lady persons are sassy as all get out
(19:36:21) Ronnie: bizaaaaarre nurse!

Creepy nurse is... creepy!

(19:37:11) Alex Seda: she is creepy i don’t trust her
(19:37:26) Ronnie: the doctor is even MORE creepy!
(19:38:18) Alex Seda: this whole scene is very, very weird
(19:38:28) Ronnie: absolutely!
(19:40:40) Ronnie: raped shemale with speech impediment… amazing
(19:41:33) Alex Seda: someone must’ve thought this was absolutely hilarious
(19:41:46) Alex Seda: it is kind of comedy gold, I just wonder if they are playing this for laughs or…
(19:41:46) Ronnie: I do!
(19:43:09) Alex Seda: When did this turn into aSamurai flick?
(19:43:27) Ronnie: God only knows
(19:43:53) Ronnie: I don’t think the Amish normally have shemales, do they??
(19:44:13) Alex Seda: They do live quite secretive lives…
(19:44:28) Ronnie: that’s suspicious then
(19:45:01) Ronnie: double male logo on his robe…
(19:45:23) Alex Seda: and he was singing lyrics to a black eye peas some or something
(19:45:40) Ronnie: yeah, almost as disturbing as him
(19:45:58) Alex Seda: We officially walked into another movie
(19:46:38) Alex Seda: ”Gay Cruises to Greece.” So they have gay cruise lines. Good to know.
(19:47:08) Ronnie: I’ll bet they have
(19:48:30) Alex Seda: phew, glad that’s over
(19:48:45) Ronnie: yeah, that was weeeeeeird and pretty unnecessary
(19:48:56) Ronnie: return of the rapist
(19:49:01) Ronnie: oh, maybe not
(19:49:02) Alex Seda: That was indian severed flying head weird
(19:49:21) Ronnie: with the same amount of special effects…
(19:50:05) Alex Seda: Nice bathrobe?
(19:50:25) Ronnie: nice house…
(19:50:38) Alex Seda: I know right, that thing is pretty large.
(19:50:56) Alex Seda: Is rapey dude already in the house?
(19:51:00) Alex Seda: Probably
(19:51:13) Ronnie: maybe-eeee
(19:51:42) Alex Seda: that was kinda a cool shot, doing it with the mirrors
(19:51:49) Ronnie: yeah
(19:52:13) Ronnie: that was a good scene… was sure something was gonna happen
(19:52:30) Alex Seda: Gee, why don’t you take a look at the HUGE KNIFE she just that lemon with.
(19:52:45) Alex Seda: oh well played movie
(19:52:51) Alex Seda: knife was there, now isn’t there
(19:52:56) Ronnie: and you thought YOU were being smart
(19:53:06) Alex Seda: I know, for once a movie was a step ahead of me
(19:53:16) Ronnie: a tranny movie no less
(19:53:38) Alex Seda: This scene so far is pretty masterfully done
(19:53:55) Alex Seda: OH NO RAPEY GUY

as rapey guy says: STOP! Hammer time...

(19:53:57) Ronnie: yes indeed
(19:54:37) Alex Seda: Rapey guy is actually really good at being this creepy
(19:55:50) Ronnie: yeah he IS good at being creepy
(19:57:05) Alex Seda: whoa all of the sudden tranny is a professional ninja
(19:57:13) Ronnie: Kung-Fu tranny!
(19:57:22) Alex Seda: someone should make that movie
(19:57:30) Alex Seda: actually, Japan prbably already beat us to it
(19:57:56) Ronnie: yeah, I’m sure they’re onto the third sequel by now
(20:00:08) Alex Seda: Rapey guy is really amazing, helluva actor.
(20:00:23) Alex Seda: He is holding this movie together at this point.
(20:00:41) Ronnie: yeah, it’s slowing down now…
(20:01:13) Alex Seda: going into traditional grindhousey territory now
(20:01:45) Ronnie: no need for all this blabbering
(20:02:13) Alex Seda: Padding for time, but then again, rapey guy is making it interesting
(20:04:36) Alex Seda: oh wow
(20:04:49) Alex Seda: what the fuck just happened
(20:04:56) Ronnie: it’s tranny-Commando time!
(20:05:06) Alex Seda: Ronnie, the things you talk me into watching
(20:05:13) Alex Seda: HEY WAIT TIME TRAVEL NOW?
(20:05:30) Alex Seda: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, didn’t see that coming
(20:05:59) Alex Seda: this film is 7 shades of crazy
(20:06:08) Ronnie: yeah
(20:07:42) Alex Seda: ”i apologize for fucking up my own psycho revenge scheme”
(20:12:21) Alex Seda: ”Fuck this, it’s too complicated, you shouldn’t flash cards for murder.”
(20:14:18) Alex Seda: Oh shit Pinky had a sword all of a sudden?
(20:14:41) Ronnie: she’s whoopin’ ass
(20:14:44) Ronnie: quite literally
(20:15:25) Alex Seda: Here is our knife fight, I suppose
(20:16:11) Ronnie: with gusto!
(20:16:31) Alex Seda: mucho gusto
(20:16:49) Ronnie: ’tranimals’
(20:17:07) Alex Seda: yup, she said that
(20:17:49) Alex Seda: not the CRT tv
(20:17:51) Alex Seda: c’mon

Oopsies!

(20:18:38) Alex Seda: this movie like to shows kicks like 400 times
(20:20:09) Ronnie: nice knife in the head bit
(20:20:37) Alex Seda: through the skull too, gotta be strong to do that
(20:22:47) Alex Seda: I think they got him
(20:22:48) Ronnie: well, that should kill him…
(20:23:00) Alex Seda: hopefully
(20:23:48) Alex Seda: well, i gotta poop, brb
(20:24:01) Ronnie: uh ok
(20:28:18) Alex Seda: ok back
(20:28:27) Alex Seda: 1.5 stars
(20:28:38) Ronnie: 1.5?! Really that bad?
(20:28:49) Ronnie: Imma give it 3.5 for its madness
(20:29:18) Alex Seda: eh, i enjoyed it, but it wasn’t grea
(20:29:54) Ronnie: one of my better choices in recent times, I must say…
(20:30:50) Alex Seda: it was def entertaining

Ronnie’s Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Alex’s Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

Trailer:
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrWT1a1_ta4

Although I began my serious horror junkie ways recently in 2007, my love affair with the Hong Kong horror flick began when a large group of friends and I got blindsided by the piss-your-pants-funny Mr Vampire on a baked potatoes movie night in 1996. As I was pretty much solely into kung fu movies at the time (OCD, anyone?), I didn’t begin to explore the world of Hong Kong horror until I started this blog. I needed to know: are all Hong Kong horror films padded with slapstick?

After watching the goofy ass yet still creepy Bless This House, which is considered to be one of the first serious HK horror flicks, I did a little research and found out that yes, at least in the 80s, most HK audiences preferred comedy. Now while I hate horror spoofs (Student Bodies, Return to Horror High) I do love a lot of comedy mixed with truly terrifying stalk and kill scenes. Simply put, In my journey through the world of horror as documented in this blog, I’ve found that I don’t like to get to the end of the movie and feel bad. Sue me, Eli Roth fans.

He Lives By Night is notable in the HK slasher genre because it borrows heavily from the giallo. However, where the giallo fills the running time with gratuitous sex or weird hallucinations a la Autopsy, He Lives By Night breaks up the scares with fat guys in glam makeup for no reason, three people eating $200 worth of tripe, chicken feet and dumplings for breakfast or a radio station security guard who keeps a box of weapons like spiky maces and brass knuckles behind the desk for employees to borrow. The film also does more than a little winking at Mr Hitchcock; when we first see the fat, pipe smoking police chief (Kent Cheng) we see a large silhouette of him alone in profile with his pipe.

Someone is murdering women by stabbing them and then strangling them with a white fishnet stocking, which is the killer’s fetish of choice. Now, I lived through the 80s as a young pop culture junkie, and the only pair of white fishnets I ever saw was in the ZZ Top video for “Legs,” but maybe they were a fashion staple in HK. Anyway, the film gives us a too-obvious choice of suspect in the obsessed fan of Sissy (Sylvia Chang) the late night radio host with the sexy voice and the face for radio. Because the fat police chief has the hots for Sissy, and his partner (Simon Yam) is an old classmate of hers, she helps the police with the investigation until of course the real killer is stalking her. It doesn’t help that she taunts him over the radio and figures out uncannily why he is killing. Just like in the giallo or the Hitchcock thriller, there is a damn good reason the killer went nuts.

The movie does have its disturbing parts, chiefly the scene in which a  young woman is brutally murdered in her own home while her friend hides from the killer and watches. Whether by reason of good old misogyny or morality, most of the victims are not very nice people (the Carrie syndrome). I actually rooted for the killer after he murders the shoplifters who carjacked him.

I enjoyed the movie and would recommend it, but I wish if the writer wanted to go Western he had kept the Italian/British convention of hiding the killer’s identity til the end. It’s just not as much fun to watch the cops try to catch the killer when we the viewer already know who dun it.

Want more? These movies are sometimes hard to find, so I’m taking viewing suggestions. Lets look at more HK horror to try to get a handle on it and put it in context. So get out your glitter makeup and join me for a mini HK film fest.

Johnny Rocket has a very interesting secret.

To spout on anymore about the details of the story would be unwise on my part, but what I can elaborate on is something that jumped out at me from the very start, which is the cinematography and the directing.  One of my main gripes will the population of Middle of the Road-ville, IndieFilmLand (that place really doesn’t exist, ‘cept for in my head) is that there is usually too much focus on trying to be shocking, or genre-hopping, or outlandish and not enough focus on making whatever kind of film they are making look its absolute best despite what the budget constraints may be.  If I, and I think this statement goes for many of the viewing public out there, can see a modicum of professionalism in the quality of the image, and to a slightly lesser extent, the quality of the audio, then the likelihood of me sitting through the entire thing is much, much better.  No Right Turn seems to be in line with me in that mindset, since not only does it look pretty sleek and slick, there are some outdoor scenes (the opening bathtub scene and any scene involving that bathtub, and the outdoor snow sequences) that are just really breathtaking in their simplicity and beauty.  I commend, above all other praise, the work of David Noel Bourke and his crew in giving this flick that extra coat of polish that makes it easier to enjoy the interactions on screen.

The shots of the bathtub and its unique surrounding area are some of the films best scenes.

Bourke keeps the pace of the film fairly methodical, but it never dips into the realm of yawn land or feeling disproportionately dragged out in order to pad time.  Whether or not you dig the pace is a matter of opinion, but I was impressed with the fact the film always seemed to know where it was going, and didn’t venture off into a web of subplots or bombard us with scenes that, while cool, don’tt really have any genuine purpose.  The acting, which is the ultimate compliment to any director’s vision, is lead by Sira Stampe (Monella) and Laura Bach (Nina) who really helped to keep me involved in the story and add some complexity and palpable emotion to the piece.  Tthe rest of the cast also does a really great job pinning down the mainline traits of their respective persona’s and driving those into their performance with fervor, most of the time for better, and occasionally for the worse.

Gotta be more careful when chopping those veggies.

No Right Turn was one of the tougher reviews I have donet.  It is a bit outside my personal comfort range, but I’m glad to have the experience of seeing it a bit early (thanks to director David Noel Bourke) and being able to share my thoughts on it.  It’s certainly is a pulpy, noir-y, and even fantastical tale, but I suspect that during my viewing I might have missed some of the messages, especially when it came to the very final few shots.  There is a lot of confidence throughout No Right Turn, and a certain bit of “cool” that flows through its veins which helps to define it.  At the same time though, I felt myself wishing there was a bit more in the last act, but since the flick put a premium on its quiet, calculating pace, maybe a big to-do wouldn’t have served the first two acts quite as well.  Regardless of my qualms thought, No Right Turn is still one of the best Indie offerings of 2009.

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Could this poster get any cooler?

I should really change the name of our site to “Alex shows you why the only movies you ever really need to see were made from about 1979 to 1989.”  That’s not true, because some great movies came out before and after that decade long window, but the more and more I dig into the movies I love that may have fallen by the wayside, the more and more I realize they all seem to be either made, or have strong ties, to that time frame.  The Wraith is another one of these rubies, and better yet, one I don’t see spoken about often or reviewed enough (or very well, for that matter) on the internet.  So what is this flick all about?  Glad you asked.

The Wraith is a new spin on the tried and true ghost/spirit revenge tale.  I’m sure we’ve all seen movies where someone is wrongfully murdered, and then a spectral version of them self comes back in order to exact vengeance on those who did him or her wrong.    What you probably haven’t seen is, what if that victim came back with a Dodge Turbo Interceptor, and used his car to kill those who “Road Pirates” who killed him and continue terrorize the small Arizona town they live in?  Sounds kind of badass right?  It totally is, and here’s why.

Suck it Knight Rider.

The first rule of making a car-centric (or Car Porn, for those of you gear-heads out there) movie, besides having some sexy looking cars to film, is that you film the cars well while they are moving.  In recent years, computer graphics, models and copious other cop out special effects have replaced elaborate pyrotechnics and stunt drivers, but The Wraith spares us that sub-video game graphic quality and non-sense for some no-bullshit car chases, races, and massive, multiple angle explosions.  Director Mike Marvin shows a lot of competence and confidence while he makes sweet cinematic love to the fleet of vehicles he has at his disposal, and every race and chase is filmed very well, even if they are a bit on the short side.  Even with short actions sequences, the movie is built around the set pieces, meaning to say that you never go more than 15 minutes or so before something is getting blown up or shot at.  Marvin still manages to let the characters be fleshed out enough to care about by meshing the action with character development, with special attention given towards Keri Johnson (the damsel in distress), Packard Walsh (played brilliantly by actor-turned-director Nick Cassavetes, director of such steaming piles of shit like John Q, The Notebook, and Alpha Dog), and Jake Kesey (played by a stunt driver in an awesome black leather suit mostly, and when he is out of the suit, it’s Charlie Sheen.)  Mike Marvin seemed hellbent on turning Nick Cassavetes into a legitimate action bad guy movie star, as he shines throughout as just a miserable bastard of a villain, but one who is pretty smart and intimidating in an unconventionally stylish and almost classy way.  The scene that pushes him over the edge, and shows Mike Marvin at his actor-driven-scene best is when Packard forces his girlfriend/”property”, Keri Johnson, to cut his hand to show that they are “Blood Lovers.”  When Marvin isn’t giving little peeks into the everyday world of the road pirates or Keri, he is making the best of the picturesque south-western scenery and really knocking the race and chase scenes out of the park with simple but highly effective camera angles that are usually filming slightly upward at the cars, in order to give that a “bigger than life” quality and a greater sense of speed and pure muscle.

Insert General Motors joke here.

Since I already bled into a critique of what you can expect from the acting, I will cheat a bit here and sum it up by saying that if you know how to take 80′s acting on the chin, and laugh a bit WITH it, instead of at it, you won’t have any problems sitting through The Wraith.  On a whole, the acting is above par from what I remembered it being the first time I saw this (which was when I was like 12, and I saw it on a Sunday afternoon on WB 11 New York or something like that) and again, the true standout is Nick Cassavetes as the absolutely insufferable and demented Packard Walsh.  Oh, and Clint Howard lends his…big hair, crazy glasses, and general geekdom to this flick as well, and Clint is always worth mentioning.  Randy Quaid has something between a cameo and a bit part as one Detective Loomis (a nod to Halloween?) and does what Randy Quaid normally does; be kinda weird and off putting and not play much of a factor in the likability of any movie in particular.

Seriously Clint, what the fuck is going on with those glasses and that hair. That doesn't "just happen" to a guy, right?

The real stars of the show, as you probably guessed by the story synopsis, are the special effects and the cars.  Now, before somebody jumps down my throat, I am not a guy car.  I know one car in the film is a Turbo Interceptor, because that’s what people called it in the movie.  There was also a Cuda.  That’s about what I know.  What I do know, is the cars we all very distinguishable, looked very cool and seemed to go really fast, and that was really all I cared about.  The races, as I mentioned earlier, are somewhat on the short sort and somewhat samey, but the fact that they usually end in explosions or some massive crash makes them much more entertaining.  The explosions are ridiculously big, the warehouse explosion and the final crash explosion in particular, but it adds to the quality of the revenge that is so deservedly being dealt out by our black clad, Spas-12 shotgun wielding, Turbo Interceptor driving hero.  The natural lighting that prevails through much of the film gives the movie a much more realistic and gritty look, like you can almost feel the sand and dirt kicking up around these four-wheeled mayhem machines.  The south west is the perfect place to film a movie based around cars and crashes, and the locale certainly glimmers here.  When we aren’t seeing the small Arizon town in the daytime, heavy blues and purples help to give the nighttime a other worldly feel, especially when The Wraith shows up.  As far as the auido department goes, the sound is spot on, and the soundtrack has some Billy Idol, Ozzy Osbourne, Robert Palmer, and Motley Crue in it when the synthy score isn’t just moseying around.

Now might be a good time to run.

The Wraith must be taken in by someone who can enjoy a fair amount of very minor flaws that come with any film that is dated beyond 20 years.  That being said, it is a highly enjoyable, very watchable (visually, it still has some impressive moments), and an impressively unique take on an age old film formula that sees the victim getting one last go at those who did him in.  The “Road Pirates” give it a bit of a modern day Mad Max feel, but The Wraith taps into more of a spacey vibe that anything.  The universe itself has rejected the death of the young, innocent, and unjustly murdered man and have sent him back to Earth with a bitchin’ all black leather racing suit, racing helmet with tinted visor, and a sweet fucking car with one mission.  Kick.  Major.  Ass.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

Plot (I didn’t even know there was one! – Ronnie): After a wave of reports of mysterious attacks involving people and pets being eaten by the traditionally docile fruit, a special government task force is set up to investigate the violent veggies and put a stop to their murderous spree. Included in this crack team are a lieutenant who never goes anywhere without his parachute, an underwater expert who’s never out of his scuba gear, and a master of disguise who conceals his appearance by dressing as a black Adolf Hitler.
Alex: present day? do we all get presents?
Ronnie: you reckon that was a reverse shot?
Alex: no, not the semi-attractive redhead housewife
Alex: it was a clever reverse shot actually
Alex: it looked good
Ronnie: I’m liking the intro song…
Alex: we have to post the youtube link to the theme song, for all 3 people who read this and haven’t heard it
Ronnie: ‘Miss Potato Famine of 1922′??
Alex: I bet shes hot
Alex: these credits are hilarious “THIS SPACE AVAILABLE CALL”
Ronnie: ‘got little Timmy…’
Alex: i like how it leaves old people alone
Alex: wow they had the money to crash a real helicopter?
Ronnie: WIG!
Alex: and a GREAT wig

Now THAT's a quality rug!

Alex: super spys name is MASON DIXON
Ronnie: are they meeting in a phone box?
Alex: at least they aren’t pretending like there is a plot
Alex: this is Monty Python levels of silly
Ronnie: Monty Python indeed…
Ronnie: but tomato style…

I hope they don't get a fire alarm...

Alex: I’m waiting for Cleese to show up with a dead bird…
Ronnie: hopefully not…
Ronnie: haha… dubbing
Alex: great the jap has come up with a half man half robot, and the dubbing is great
Alex: Tomatoes are fags
Alex: i learn something new everyday
Alex: thats guys face makes me laugh for some reason, def. getting a picture of that
Ronnie: yeah
Alex: JAWS?
Ronnie: swimsuits!
Alex: yup, jaws
Ronnie: tomat-jaws
Alex: jawmatoes even?
Alex: how did we get to motorbikes?
Ronnie: Dunno, but there’s hot chicks…
Alex: wait, there might be boobage, I’m enticed
Alex: how about that Fairchild
Ronnie: mumbling tomatoes?
Alex: they are throwing tomatoes being thrown at the car
Ronnie: what’s with the pens! :/
Alex: The president used the Statue of Liberty as collateral
Ronnie: meh, it’s only a statue anyway…
Ronnie: (French I believe)
Alex: true, I memory serves we got that from the French
Alex: why did they just make a Superman joke
Ronnie: I’ve no idea…
Ronnie: was W Bush President when this was made??
Alex: not yet, nor his father
Ronnie: ‘those funny black ships keep sinking anyway…’
Alex: is the black master of disguise guy dessed like Hitler?
Ronnie: In a word: yes
Ronnie: Why? I do not know…
Alex: this is police academy bad

Several vialiant victims of the great tomato attack of '78

Ronnie: New York? Looks more like the Street of San Francisco…
Alex: I don’t remember trolly cars in New York…um…ever
Ronnie: so we’ve gone from scrolling ‘buy our sofas’ ads to a sing-song? Oh dear…
Alex: look to be that way
Ronnie: from an old dude with while flares on…
Alex: those pants made me a little gay just by seeing them
Ronnie: don’t forget the shirt…
Alex: she movies needs an injection of floozy women and more tomatoes attacks…
Ronnie: very true…
Ronnie: ok, now they’re pretending there’s a story to this…
Ronnie: ‘a lady of the evening’
Alex: yeah…thats usually where it all goes downhill
Ronnie: ok, it’s getting boring now…
Alex: wait, the dog is talking
Alex: oh well i guess non-descript white kid got eaten up
Ronnie: hopefully…
Alex: is that Ernest Borgnine?
Alex: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Alex: ok, that scene won me back for a minute
Ronnie: for his sake, I hope not…
Alex: They are having way to much fun with the captions
Ronnie: was probably a new invention when this was made… it was 1978 after all…
Alex: along with wool suits apparently
Ronnie: that’s the 70′s for ya…
Alex: they are actually onto something with the whole Jesus Christ in commercials
Ronnie: yeah, it’d work…
Ronnie: They had planes in 1978? Holy crap…
Alex: back into the little meeting room
Alex: this scene is actually kind of clever
Ronnie: nice cutting…
Alex: splicing together 2 phone conversations to make one
Alex: that guy with the handgun is about as accurate as my dad when he plays DOOM
Ronnie: I expected the ship to sink…
Alex: THAT would have been funny
Ronnie: it needs the Benny Hill sound track…
Alex: its been needing it for a while
Alex: worst chase ever
Ronnie: yeah but it was meant to be…
Alex: I am still not getting the whole “pens” thing
Ronnie: nah, I don’t get it either…
Alex: oh fuck, musical time again
Ronnie: but getting worse!
Ronnie: ok this is just embarrassing now…
Ronnie: ooh, explosions!
Alex: well, we only got 23 minutes left
Alex: the minature city was kinda funny
Ronnie: Thank God!
Alex: you know what this makes me want to watch?
Ronnie: uh, Airplane?
Alex: no, but that movie eclipses this 10 fold
Alex: some kind of crazy Godzilla movie with really bad minature towns and robots
Ronnie: ok, the interview made me laugh…
Alex: yeah, he called the lady “no spring chicken”
Alex: +.5 stars for using the phrase “spring chicken”
Ronnie: nice cartoon sound effects…
Alex: wiley coyote should pop up any minute now….
Ronnie: I can but hope…
Alex: what the hell is even happeneing in this scene?
Ronnie: I have NO idea…
Alex: douchebag turn around twist OMG
Alex: is that blue and yellow furniture?
Alex: did people actually have that shit back in the day?
Ronnie: oh yes… it’s all being used now in Russia…
Alex: no interest in Russia
Alex: although don’t they have some pretty womenz?
Alex: I would rather hop on over to Amsterdam
Ronnie: Sometimes, yes.
Alex: UPS gets blown away
Alex: what does Puberty love have to do with anything
Ronnie: Please… no. Please don’t play Donny Osmond!
Alex: besides being a Michael Jackson Hit
Ronnie: what’s with the white guy dressed as an Arab?? :/
Alex: I noticed him too! I guess Hezbollah is gonna help fight those dastardly tomatoes
Ronnie: and someone dressed as Groucho Marx
Alex: Well, the Marx thing kind of makes sense
Ronnie: It does?
Alex: I can certainly see some Groucho influence on whomever created this…mastperiece
Ronnie: you have a point there…

They're attacking, and they're tomatoes! AGGHHHHH!!!!

Alex: This is worse than The Baron against the Demons
Alex: in case you were wondering
Ronnie: impossible!
Alex: a tomatoes with HEADPHONES?!?!?!
Alex: very possible
Alex: that is a strong woman to pick him up like that
Alex: oh fuck me running, no more singing
Ronnie: not half! Maybe they used wires…
Ronnie: I’m dropping it .5 for the singing crap…
Alex: so it gets a 0 then?
Ronnie: no no…
Alex: mercifully
Ronnie: *phew!*
Ronnie: well… it was funny (in places) and didn’t even try to be serious (pro’s), but the singing and lack of boobs is a definite con…
Alex: it needed some gore as well
Alex: even terrible gore
Ronnie: true
Ronnie: but, still, I’m giving it a 2
Alex: I’ll go 1
Ronnie: ouch…

Ronnie’s Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Alex’s Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes intro theme:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wfm3_BMinhg

Bullies, jerks and thieves. Where would the horror genre be without them? We sit and wait for them to die in spectacularly gruesome ways, sometimes for an entire movie. Room 205 gives mixed results to the viewer who within the first ten minutes knows who they wish to see slaughtered.

In this Ghost House Underground production from Denmark, Katrine (Neel Ronholt) moves into a college dorm just as Rolf (Mikkel Arendt) is moving out in the wake of some nasty bullying. Katrine should see what’s coming next for her, but the “cool kids” immediately seem to take a liking to her. Unfortunately, when Lukas (Jon Lange) takes a romantic interest in Katrina, she incurs the wrath of jealous Sanne (Julie Olgaard), who is still angry because Lukas loved her and left her and because a house fell on her sister. Sanne’s flying monkey Lena (Mira Wanting) is a minor bitch to Katrine as well, but it is really Sanne and Lukas who need to die. Sanne actually says to Katrine “you’re either in or you’re out.” Maybe Sanne wouldn’t have had to die if she’s emotionally progressed beyond middle school.

Anyway,  a girl died in room 205 twenty years earlier under mysterious circumstances and Sanne now lives in that room. After Lukas and Katrine hook up at a party, Sanne and the monkeys scare Katrine and trap her in bathroom where the girl died. When the ghost, who looks like one of the vampires in The Lost Boys, appears in the bathroom mirror, Katrine breaks the mirror and inadvertently sets the murderous spirit free.

Here is where it comes to be only moderately satisfying. Rolf and Katrine band together to try and stop the ghost, but the ghost doesn’t go on the rampage we’re promised on the back of the DVD box. There are only three deaths, although one is an over-the-top elevator murder and another is a satisfying eye gouge. Also, while there is sex in the movie, there is no nudity. On the positive side we do get to find out what the ghost is so pissed about. The ending is left open for a sequel.

Fans of Japanese ghost stories will dig this tale of misplaced revenge, but gorehounds will be left wanting more. Points for the DVD having the option of the Danish audio with English subtitles, cause dubbed acting is wack!

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

He is all out of bubblegum.

2008 was, without a doubt, the year of the comic book movie.  Along side the earth shattering success of The Dark Knight, there was the surprisingly impressive Hulk movie, and the Robert Downey Jr. resurrection machine known as Iron Man.  Both turned out to be great movies in their own right, with the Hulk finally getting the balance between the rage fueled violence and the plight of the scientist with a curse right, and with Iron Man, where Downey Jr. literally transformed himself into a living, breathing Tony Stark.

So then why didn’t anyone pay any attention to Punisher War Zone?  Maybe it was because the 2004 entry was almost universally panned for being quite atrocious.  Maybe because it didn’t have anywhere near the hype and media coverage that the big three got.  Maybe because it’s R rated (and let me tell you, its earns ALL of that R rating and then some).  Maybe it’s because the plot concerning an ex-military mans family being slaughtered because they witnessed a mob killing is just to grim for most audiences.  Whatever the reason, it’s truly a damn shame, because against what seemed like all odds, the old adage of “third times a charm” came shining through, and Frank Castle finally get his long overdue opus on the silver screen.

The Punisher to me, always seemed like the safest and easiest bet of all the Marvel heroes to turn into a feature film.  There’s no expensive CGI and complicated suits to create.  There’s no interplanetary or ridiculously complex scientific origin to the hero.  His appearance is just that of a middle-aged tired and emotionally distraught Italian male.  And he actually doesn’t even has superpowers, his is just an incredibly driven, superlatively trained warrior who occupies the gray area in between the good and evil of society.  Aside from some more intimate and provoking undertones that go on within The Punishers own conscious, his main method of entertaining comic books fans was plowing his way as violently as possible through droves of street thugs, gangsters, and criminals.  It’s at about this time your probably recognizing how male orientated this comic series was.  It seems like every male action junkies fantasy, to be this near suicidal, empty shell of a man who can just kill with absolute impunity.  Yet, in a strange twist, it took a woman to get this story right.

The Punisher can kill a man with a chair. That's hardcore.

Director Lexi Alexanders’ command of the visual style and pacing of this movie is probably the most immediate and impressive of the taunting hurdles she had to overcome to create such an exceptionally accurate representation of The Punisher as it is presented in the comics.  The Punisher is a man of action, a man of finality, in his world there are three colors, Black (evil), White (good), and Red (Blood and Justice).  Lexi encapsulates that beautifully, knowing exactly when to allow the story play out a bit, and maybe let the characters get a little introspective, and when to crank it up to 11 by unleashing the Punisher without any hesitation or restriction.  Combining those strengths, with a keen eye for lighting, to give everything  that grimy, almost mafia look, and some dynamite performances and well thought out actions set pieces and you have a recipe for success.

But while Lexi may have created quite the landscape for a vigilante superhero with an uncanny talent for dealing death, it would be nothing if there weren’t solid actors to bring the persona’s off the pages of the comics.  Everyone, let me introduce to Ray Stevenson.  This guy is a presence on screen, I liken him to Gerald Butler, who completely stole the show in every scene he was in in 300.  His somber and weathered face and flat voice was a perfect fit for bringing to life the near emotionless Frank Castle.  He wasn’t just a revelation because he accurately portrayed a comic book character, he was a revelation because he acted his fucking ass off, and bridged the gap between inflated, comically quirky superheroes, and three-dimensional characters who seem to live and breath in an incredibly believable manner.

Jigsaw.

Surrounding him is a ensemble cast that includes Julie Benz (RAMBO, Dexter TV show), Dominic West (The Wire TV show), and Wayne Knight (Seinfeld and Jurassic Park).  They all fit the bill perfectly, and bring the kind of subtle, validating emotions to the screen, while still being incredibly fun to marvel (pun intended) at due to their fan service nature and faithful reproduction on screen.

Technically speaking, the audio is superb, with the score being allowed to creep into the forefront at just the right moments to give more emotional resonance and weight to a particular scene.  Also, every gunshot, shell casing, bullet wound, lost limb, and blown up body is accounted for, with satisfyingly loud, deep, and visceral sound effects.  As previously mentioned, the lighting is a perfect blend of realistic city environments, and heavily stylized colorful comic book cities.  The camera also always seems to be in the right place, never wearing out its welcome by using too many gimmicks or by sitting around like a seemingly uninterested bystander.  It moves with the pace of the action, and always gives a great glimpse of what is happening.

Heavy Handed for those uninitiated in Punisher lore, but this is as fitting a message to go out on as any.

The Punisher, is my humble opinion, is better than the Hulk movie, and right up there with Iron Man as far as 2008 comic book movies are concerned, with the The Dark Knight being the obvious number 1.   This is an incredibly faithful, stunningly grisly, and frighteningly accurate depiction of everything that is great about the character Marvel fans seem to forget about the most in The Punisher.  The acting is simply spot on, only once or twice spilling into hammy territory.  The look and feel is wonderful without being overbearing.  It sounds like a dream John Woo had, and it moves quickly, avoiding all those slippery little chasms where character exposition and plot development can lead to mind-numbing boredom and frustration.

The birth of the alternative comic book movie is upon us, and I for one am eagerly awaiting whats next.

Get out of my way, punk