Kyûketsu Shôjo tai Shôjo Furanken (aka: Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl)

Just where does one begin with a film like this…

If you’ve seen either Meatball Machine or Tokyo Gore Police then you’ll know what to expect. If not? Well… put it this way, madness and insanity is putting it lightly!

Normally I start with an IMDb plot line, but IMDb doesn’t even have one for this one! Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl (VGFG from here on in, I’m too lazy to type long names) begins with some guy getting his ass kicked by three mutant chicks. But in steps a mysterious (hot!) young girl who ‘defuses’ the situation by grabbing the neck skin of one chick and peeling the skin off her head link someone peeling an orange. No, seriously… look:

Some Detol and a plaster and you'll be right as rain...

And that’s within the first five minutes!

After some school kids have their valentines gifts confiscated we see a young man being bullied. Only in Japan can a hot-as-fuck chick bully a guy in to being her boyfriend!

She can bully me ANYtime!

Then we’re introduced to the oddball girls competing in the 13th Student Wrist Cut Rally. Then the bullied guy has another hot-as-fuck chick after him!

I'll take your chocolate alright... (oh my, that sounds dirty!)

This time she gives him some chocolate, which he accepts, takes a bite from it only to discover that it contains the hot-as-fuck chicks blood. Her vampire blood! This sends him on a bizarre LSD-style trip which ends with him going to see the school (hot-as-fuck) nurse:

Shame about the Superman hair-do

So now the poor lad is part vampire and we get to see the brutality of his new vampire girlfriend as she bumps off several people with great glee and a gleaming smile. I don’t want to tell you everything about the movie, but from here on in it’s a bizarre love triangle with two mutants fighting over a half-mutant with limbs flying everywhere, thanks to a cordless screwdriver. No, seriously:

Never leave home without your cordless screwdriver.

There’s plenty of gore in VGFG and buckets of blood. The effects are very well done considering this isn’t some big Hollywood fuck-up blockbuster. My only gripe with VGFG is that some of the middle parts are slow. Introducing the wrist-cutters and the face-painted-black girls was kinda necessary for later in the story, but could have been a bit quicker.

VGFG is a top-notch film, not as good as Tokyo Gore Police (TGP) but still great fun and perfect for a brainless night in.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Behold its trailery goodness:

Tantei Monogatari (2007) aka: Detective Story

As soon as I see Takashi Miike on something I know that it’ll be a wild ride, and to expect something that will encompass the  weird and bizarre,  have horror and gore, yet also be thought provoking and funny. Something no other director can do, especially not in Hollywood!

Tantei Monogatari (aka: Detective Story) starts with a crazy artist painting with ground up body parts. Then we cut to some perv (with far too many video cameras!) who’s pretty much jacking off to photo’s of a girl he’s been stalking. And that’s all within the first five minutes! Then we’re introduced to our two main characters, both named Raita, opposites of each other. Raita the office worker and computer specialist is the well dressed gentleman. Raita the private dick is the scruffy, slightly mad, and persuasive of the two. Raita the private dick introduces himself to Raita the businessman as they are now neighbours. No sooner has the introduction finished than Raita the private dick is in his neighbours house with a bottle of booze and just sitting there acting weird, while the gentleman Raita sits and puts up with it… for hours. Manami appears at the private dicks door looking for help, Raita turns her away and off she goes. Next morning she’s found dead with an item of Raita’s beside her. And so it goes on that more girls are found dead with items of Raita’s beside them, so obviously Raita is being framed for the deaths.

Along the way Raita (detective) consults a former killer for advice, I’m glad they explained that bit quickly as otherwise I’d have thought I was suddenly watching a different film:

No, he's not a gimp!

It sounds like your average Dick Van Dyke afternoon crime stuff, but it’s very well done with an excellent twist at the end. The two Raita’s are excellent, especially detective Raita, he’s hilarious. Action is pretty much non-existant, apart from the odd (on foot) chase here and there, but there is gore, and that’s the main thing. The hanging discovery isn’t much, the toilet discovery is pretty gory (see below and in the clip at the bottom of this page) and Raita’s big fight near the end has plenty of purposely funny gore, which only Miike can really do properly.

One strange thing though… the subtitled DVD (*ahem* rip) that I watched had some gore blurred out. I’m not sure if that was intentional (expect the unexpected with Miike!), or only blurred out in the US/UK/Japanese release, but it only happened about twice in the whole film, so it’s no big deal, but it did catch me off guard.

The gore blurring - it's more noticable on my TV than on computer

Another cracking Miike film I say. It’s not Ichi the Killer and it’s not too surreal (*cough* Visitor Q) but in that middle ground where it has a bit of everything. Hurrah for Miike!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Scene – this is where timid Raita is trying to get into the knickers of detective Raita’s assistant:

Futuristic blood harvesting at its finest

Daybreakers is the latest movie to hit theaters that is looking to stake a claim in the vampire media frenzy that has taken over both the big and small screens.  From Twilight (I need an acid bath every time I so much as type that name) to True Blood, the bloodsucking freaks have been a big hit with audiences looking for dark, but ultimately romance driven narratives injected with some supernatural herbs and spices.  Out of this pit of shallow pandering to the adolescent and deeply delusional, Daybreakers has come forth to deliver a vampire movie with a fairly metallic set of testicles with some brains to boot.  Extracted from the minds of the The Spierig Brothers (who made one of the best and funniest zombie flicks of  the oo’s called UNDEAD, a film I should definitely review for y’all!  Or fuck it, grab it now and watch it, it’s worth it!), Daybreakers throws us into the year 2019 (inferred from that fact that in the film they refer to 2009 as being 10 years ago) where vampires have become to dominant species on planet Earth, and the few pockets of humans who are left are on the run from the vampires military who hunt them down for sustenance.  The humans aren’t the only ones who are fighting for survival however, as it is made clear early on that without blood or a blood substitute, vampires devolve into these hideous, almost zombie like bat humanoid creatures who will feast on anyone or anything that they come across.  This is where Edward Dalton (Ethan Hawke) comes into play, as he is a brilliant hematologist tasked creating a blood substitute that will eliminate the need for widespread human re-population.  Sprinkle into this mess some interesting, albeit subdued, statements about the Big Pharma culture that is currently present in the United States as well as our military industrial complex and you have a nice little self-contained flick that doesn’t require you to completely shut down your higher brain functions in order to enjoy it in full.  Not to mention, it has a pretty nifty cast too.  Did I mention Willem Dafoe is in it?

Holy shit, they are arming Willem Dafoe. GET THE FUCK DOWN, NOW!

And while I your attention squarely on Mr. Dafoe’s general creepiness (read: AWESOMENESS), let’s take a moment to expand on how the acting helps to make this ride a bit more pleasurable.  Dafoe doesn’t get nearly enough screen time for my liking (although if I had it my way, it would be a one man movie starring Willem Dafoe), but what he does with him time is captivating, especially when you come to realize he ISN’T the bad guy for once.  His character is a southern man, nicknamed Elvis, and I’ll leave it at that.  Trust me, he just about makes it worth the price of admission.  Ethan Hawk, as mentioned earlier, plays Edward Dalton, a man torn by his sympathies towards humans and his obligation to his company and boss to find a solution to the blood scarcity.  Sam Neill is Charles Bromley, the hot shit head cheese of a major corporation that service specific vampire needs.  He also happens to be Dalton’s boss and is quite the motherfucker.  The rest of the cast is relative nobodies, but I found all the performances to be pretty on target in finding a balance between playing it straight enough to make this universe believable, but not overselling it to the point where it gets melodramatic and overly weighty.  There are even moments where some fun is had, and it seems like the Spierig Brothers haven’t lost that goofy and sharp sense of humor that is so evident in UNDEAD.  One thing that seemed to compress the acting was that 93 minute length of the flick, which meant that once the film really got its proverbial engines revved and red-lined, the sprint to the finish felt a bit too fast, and some of the richness of the characters was lost in the mad dash towards the endgame.  This most likely falls into the lap of the producers, studio, and editor however, not the actors and the Spierig Brothers.

Stuff bleeds real good in this movie.

Inside that hour and a half however, the Spierigs flex the muscles only people who have seen UNDEAD know they have.  Not only do they write and direct their movies together, they are also seasoned special effects creators, both of the practical and computer generated disciplines.  Often times, they will combine prosthetic effects and CGI (like in the scene pictures above) to create fairly convincing visuals that don’t look like too phony in either direction.  That being said, this film isn’t quite the gore show that UNDEAD allowed itself to be, but let it be known that there are some downright nasty scenes in this one, and when the blood does flow, it flows liberally.  Shifting from effects to lenses, the Spierigs also craft themselves a nice looking film, complete with lots of sterile looking scenes which paint the vampires, at least initially, as a much more organized and civil spin-off of humanity.  There is a lot of white and blue lighting and tidy organization to the environments the vampires have erected and furnished for themselves over the years, as if being orderly and docile in appearance and demeanor can make up for their savagery and nearly cannibalistic impulses they need indulge in for mere survival.  The film is paced pretty well, with my major grievance being that the finale is just a bit too rapid for my liking.  Some clever camera angles and flashy shots help to round out what otherwise is a pretty straightforward and smartly captured film.  Kudos to the Spierig for finding a middle-ground between the unabashed fun they had with UNDEAD, and the undoubtedly more restrictive world of “Hollywood” film making.

And you thought cocaine was expensive.

When Daybreakers came to a close, I felt like I wanted to see more from that vision, and that is normally a good thing in my book.  The world the Spierigs have shaped for themselves in Daybreakers is a really interesting one which I wouldn’t hesitate to dive into for a second time.  Granted, the story ends in a way where enough safe assumptions could be made and the book could be shut on the plight of the vampires, but there is enough stuff going on behind the scenes that it made want to see how far the Brothers Spierig could stretch out this idea.  As it stand now though, it is a find piece of quality mainstream horror/action/thriller fare that is very deserving of having genre vets and indie hounds sink their teeth into.

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

So, here’s my top ten films (in no particular order) that I think you should watch over Christmas.

The Thing

John Carpenters The Thing

I defy anyone to say anything bad about this film. It’s impossible. Not only is there a cracking story (trapped in the Arctic with a weird beastie eating people) but the special effects still make eyes pop. Includes the infamous chest-cave-in scene and the head-sprouting-legs scene. Fan-fuckin’-tastic!

REC

[REC]

Not the crappy US remake, but the original (with subtitles). I dare anyone to watch this in the dark and with the sound up… it will scare the pants off you. Story: mad old woman goes zombie and the building gets quarantined, locking the survivors inside. Made on a shoe-string budget, this film is a cracker, it shows what talented people can do with just a little money.

Critters 2 - The Main Course

Critters 2

This film personifies the 80′s. It’s mad, funny, gory… all the good things in life. Fluffy little alien ‘critters’ have invaded a hick town and shape-shifting alien bounty hunters are after them. Plenty of explosions ensue. If you don’t like Critters 2, or you don’t find it funny, then you might as well just shoot yourself and be done with it…

My Bloody Vanentine

My Bloody Valentine

Another film of the 80′s, highly controversial in it’s time too. Often overlooked, this is a cracking slasher flick. Poor Harry is a miner who was killed and seems to return every valentines day to wreak havoc in his sleepy little town. Apparently the (3D) remake wasn’t bad, but I haven’t seen it, so I’m referring to the original one here. Oh, and make sure you get the uncut version to get the full (gory) effect!

Master Flying Guillotine

Master Flying Guillotine

While not technically horror, as such, it is completely bonkers yet genre making. A blind man has a big hat thing on a chain that literally saws peoples heads off. Lots of other mad stuff happens but this is one of several films that shaped many of the characters in the Street Fighter video games. You need to see this film just so you can tell others about its madness!

Tokyo Gore Police

Tokyo Gore Police

Speaking of all out madness. Tokyo Gore Police (TGP) is one of my favourite films, EVAR! It has samurai-style cops, a hot chick in suspenders with a sword, a skin covered chair that pees on people and… oh good God, the list goes on. Just watch it.

Martyrs

Martyrs

This film had a lot of hype behind it, people saying it was brutal and depressing. By golly they were right. Several scenes in this film will make you sit up and take notice and sometimes I wondered if the actress really was taking a beating! The basic story is that a woman escapes from being kidnapped and befriends another girl, this other girl ends up being kidnapped and finds out what happened to the first girl. I can’t give too much away as it’s a surprise ending. Just don’t watch it if you’re already feeling a bit depressed, or have sharp objects nearby.

Hellraiser

Hellraiser

Based on the short novella, ‘Hellbound Heart’, by Clive Barker and directed by Clive Barker, this is a cracking film that was completely original in its time. Frank is a bit of a pleasure/pain freak and seeks out a box called the Lament Configuration which will open the door to a new world of pleasure. It also skins him to where he requires human blood to put skin on his bones. Literally! It has some great effects for the time and, again, shows what someone with talent can do with a little money.

Zombie Flesh Eaters

Zombie Flesh Eaters

Recently reissued in widescreen with beautiful colours, Zombie Flesh Eaters (sometimes called Zombi 2) is one of several zombie movies that started it off, obviously with Day of the Dead et al. In this film we see the usual brainless (non-zombie) folks heading for a deserted island with a mad doctor who is reanimating the dead. While it may seem like a run of the mill zombie flick, it has a nice twist ending.

Friday the 13th - Part VII

Friday the 13th – Part VII – The New Blood

This is my own personal favourite from the Friday franchise. While the story of Tina and her magic mind is a bit far fetched (as is Jason), the makeup and design of Jason is just fantastic in this film. He really does look like he’s been at the bottom of Crystal Lake for years, with clothes ripped and bones showing. Definitely the best of all ten films. Let’s just pretend Uber-Jason never happened…

Didn't really help me out.

Satan’s little helper is a relatively new (2004 ) film that takes place on Halloween and looks to combine its own brand of irreverence and humor while working within the vague confines of a slasher picture.  The only problem is that it jumps around from idea to idea so much that the narrative becomes so muddled and disjointed the film is barely watchable a majority of the time.  Satan (who may actually be Satan or just a ruthless serial killer in disguise) is befriended by a young naive boy who is under the impression that his addictive video game, aptly titled Satan’s Little Helper, is something of a tutorial for how he should behave on Halloween.  Instead of going down the obvious path of a troubled and properly bullied young boy who uses his new monstrous friend to exact revenge, we get an hour and a half of scenes that all seem like they are ripped out of different movies with each of them just as out of place and incomprehensible as the last.  For all its tragic flaws, the spirit of the season and moments of pleasure do rise to the surface at times, but it feels more like an accident when this happens, instead of an intentional result.

If he was a pirate for Halloween, he wouldn't have this ninja problem.

Besides the plodding, meandering pace that drags everything about Satan’s Little Helper down, the acting is probably the number one culprit when pointing the finger of blame as to why this movie is, at times, completely insufferable.  Dougie, the little kid around which the story revolves is painfully annoying, and not in that charming, youthful way that countless other movies had gotten away with.  His big sister is also way to uneven and over the top and barely serves the basic of purpose of being the “attractive girl” in the movie.  The mother of those two children is just about the only one in the movie I didn’t want to see get run over by a truck, but that was more by default than anything.  Satan (see below) doesn’t speak at all, and his mime-like moves are novel at first, but quickly become just as awkward and played out as almost everything else the movie offers up by the 45 minute mark.  From a production standpoint, the film is more than serviceable with nice lighting and video quality, but that seems like a moot point when you factor in how little it does to elevate the watch-ability of this turdburger.  It is strange at times, and delightfully so, but just making a movie to be weird isn’t enough unless it has a traditional or time-tested narrative backbone to prop it up once the gimmicks wear off.  The villain is creepy enough, but seeing as how the highlights of any good slasher-esque film should be the eventual deaths, it is shocking to find that there are only something like 2 or 3 on screen deaths, and all of them are absolutely abysmal in quality, creativity, and execution.  I’m ok with some off screen and implied slayings, but when you do finally pull the trigger on showing us a murder, it should at least be mildly impressive, even if you have to copy the idea from another flick.

Satan has a sense of humor. Too bad this movie didn't.

It’s a shame that I decided to re-watch this film before I reviewed, because that is truly 95 minutes of my life I will never get back.  I have certainly seen worse films, and I reiterate the fact that there are moments where it all comes together for Satan’s Little helper and you see what could have been, but those moments are so few and far between that most won’t get to see them because they will be switching dvds to another, better film.  It doesn’t feel amateurish, or overly self-indulgent and self-important.  It just feels like a bad film that isn’t quite bad enough to be fun on a “this is so shitty it’s genius” level and it absolutely isn’t good enough to be recommendable to anyone but the bravest souls who want to say they have seen it all when it comes to Halloween framed pictures.  There just aren’t enough tricks up Satan’s sleeve to make this a treat, and there are times where I’d rather be biting into an apple with a razor blade in it instead of  sitting through the second and third acts.  You’ve been warned.

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

Oh, hey Jesus. Yeah I know, even you couldn't save this flick.

Gotta love that turn of the century style horror box art.

Mike Mendez is one of my favorite film makers, which is a labor of love considering he has only directed 3 true horror films all by himself, and I have to keep checking back on his myspace and imdb waiting for him to pump out something new.  He was responsible for The Gravedancers, which was featured in the first “8 films to die for” horror festival that is still continuing on today.  He also directed Killers, which was a bit of an art house/experimental horror by way of tarantino-esque crime thriller.  While Gravedancers was quite a scary and tense little ghost film, and Killers was strange, surreal and interesting in its own right, his real winner, in my eyes, was a little independent horror film released in 2000 called The Convent.  Mix equal part Night of the Demons 1 and 2 (reviewed by yours truly here and here) with DEMONS, an Italian zombie and demon possession movie, and you have a good foundation for gaining appreciation for what The Convent is all about.  A rag tag bunch of college types go to a much hyped building that was once home to a all girl boarding school run by nun which was the stage for a mass murder by a former student via shotgun and fire, run into a bunch of goth kids looking to summon something from “below” in the same building, and we all benefit from watching the carnage that ensues.  I feel compelled to defend The Convent, since it is one of my all-time favorite “I could watch this at anytime, any day and enjoy it” type films.  It certainly falls into the ever fluctuating cinematic category of “so bad it’s good” or simply “bad-good” for short.  The whole movie has its tongue firmly planted in its cheek, but it is also a tribute to how enjoyable something that is extolling the virtues of a particular genre and time frame of films (teens dying thanks to supernatural happenings and the mid to late 80′s) while still having merit all of its own.  It survives on more than just its nostalgia.  There is almost…dare I say…an art to making a flick that should be (even by the own directors admission) buried and forgotten into a lower-than-cult-level gem that I, and many others on the internet who are scattered about randomly, just can’t get enough of.  That, or maybe I am just a really weird person.  I’ll let you pick which choice you like better.

Looks like someone did all the legwork for me already. Nice.

Besides saying that Convent is merely “fun” or “funny”, one of the best parts about it is how little time it wastes.  It’s like a song with a really good chorus, in fact a great chorus, that just decided to shorten up the verses to about…10-15 seconds in length.  It doesn’t make you “wait for it”, or try to build up suspense or intrigue where there is none to be had.  It is just 70 some-odd minutes (not including the credits)  of payoff after payoff which include nods to Lucio Fulci’s Zombie, and as I mentioned earlier, Night of the Demons and Umberto Bava’s DEMONS.  The humor is definitely subjective, and the impact of many of the lines will directly correlate to how many horror films you have seen and what your idea of good humor is, but even the mis-delivery of some of the more benign lines make me chuckle during every viewing.  The show stealer is certainly Megahn Perry, who gives one of the best “goth girls with all the knowledge of the spooky place the group shouldn’t be breaking into” performances in recent memory.  Closely behind her is Dickie-Boy and Saul, the fumbling, embarrassingly pathetic and pretentious summoners who, by pure accident, actually succeed in turning the abandoned boarding school into a maze of zombie demons and untimely death.  The wacky accents, mannerisms and behaviors they perform will make any outcast from high school watching this cringe with how close to home it hits, since we all either were or knew someone who was only a few good acting and improv classes away from being one of those two characters.  Often times, pointing out the weak link or links in a low-budget horror movie is about the easiest thing to do, but The Convent actually doesn’t have anyone in it who just makes you want to go grab a drink when he or she on screen.  They aren’t exactly the deepest or most empathetic cast of folks ever assembled as far as their characters go, but they don’t need to be.  It would be like watching a rap video and complaining because they are objectifying women.  They all serve there purpose admirably and more importantly fit the roles they are playing.  It’s a win-win.

Douchebags getting out of a jeep. I think we all know where this is headed.

Mendez stretches the minuscule budget to give us more bang for the buck than almost any of the major studios horror contributions this decade.  We get some great looking gore and fantastic kills, which flip-flop between homages to famous gore scenes (like the eye scene from Zombie) and original creations (like a the cheerleader face rip complete with zombie cheers and dance moves).  We also get some really throw back style glowing green eye contacts, black-light trickery, and flourescent blood that makes for great plasma splashes and squib explosions.  The directing is pretty much in observer mode, which is fine and dandy to me considering I like when a horror movie lets the action in front of us do a majority of the talking without to much in the way of distractions from flashy or overly stylish and pretentious camera work.  There are some “Evil Dead” style reverse shots, especially right when the malevolent spirits arrive for the first time, but it’s quick and all in good taste and doesn’t come off as a detriment.  The demons also have this crazy stutter step walk that they do, which can be played for laughs as well as creep factor, and works both ways depending on how you want to see it.  The soundtrack, featuring a cover of “Dreamweaver” and “You don’t own me” works well hand in hand with the intentionally cheesy and bombastic score that only strengthens the good time vibe that runs through the whole picture.  There’s a few exterior cgi scenes are laugh out loud bad, but seeing as how bad they are, I like to see them as jokes instead of budget restrictions.  The editing is quick, and almost ferocious at times, as the movie speeds by at its gloriously rapid pace.  I am a firm believer in the idea that only a handful of movies ever made should top a 90 minute run time, and The Convent has shown me that almost every horror film should run about 85 minutes, including the credits.  There’s a lot to like here, visually and aurally, if you’re a big fan of more modern takes on proven old school formulas.

Give me this over cgi any day of the week, twice on Sundays.

The Convent has drugs, stereotypes, demons, huge laughs (both intentional and unintentional), a likable cast of actors, Adrienne Barbeau (Swamp Thing, Escape from New York, The Fog), Bill Moseley (Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, House of 1000 corpses, The Devils Rejects), and ever a cameo from timeless rap artist COOLIO.  If that isn’t enough to entice you, then I am clearly out of touch with what passes for great, shameless, unabashed, old school throwback blood and guts movies.  As a sidenote, the dvd for this flick has not one, but two commentary tracks, both of which are hysterical as they basically rip their own film apart.  There is also a “gore on demand” feature which gives you a random kill scene for your viewing pleasure.  It’s like it was made just for me.  Get possessed today.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

Hey Ronnie, our dates have arrived!

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Now playing: Foo Fighters / Monkey Wrench
via FoxyTunes

The Orkin man is in high demand...wait...he's probably dead.

Infestation is the latest contestant in the game of horror and comedy hybrid films.  While this isn’t a particularly new niche, I feel it would be safe to say that sometime in the mid early to mid 00′s, around the same time Shaun of the Dead began slaying audiences, there has been new life shot into the sub-genre, with results that vary from inspired to shameless (I’ll let you decide which movies go in which category there).   Instead of zombies, Infestation uses giant bugs as the threat to mankind, and follows a small and quirky bunch of survivors as they awake from their cocoons and devise a plan to dispatch of their unwelcome guests.  It isn’t rocket science, and the film wastes little with arguing about where or how these things came to be.  Instead, they plunge us into situational comedy, smart ass remarks, and insectoid action.  What gives it its charm is the witty dialogue, blitzkrieg pace, and a cast of general unknowns who are very amicable.  Infestation isn’t a movie that will break boundaries or rewrite the rules of the horror/comedy cinematic relationship, but it should entertain you for the entirety of the 90 minute run time, and give you a few good chuckles and satisfaction along the way.

THAT is a bad day at the office.

Writer and director Kyle Rankin has put to good use the set of precedents laid before him for a majority of the last decade.  As mentioned before, Shaun of the Dead deserves a nod here, and some of the style that made that such a hit is certainly evident in Infestation.  Maybe a bigger nod should go to Slither however, which is more in line with its sci-fi tinge to its narrative and the brisk pace which doesn’t involve itself to heavily around elements taken from romantic comedies.  Infestation isn’t without its romance subplot but there is also a suitably warm message about family in there, as well as being yourself in the face of a society that demands, quietly, that you conform to its standards or suffer the consequences.  Kyle Rankin reigns in these thoughts and notions, but never allows them to run over the comedy and the action, which are his primary concerns, and rightfully so.  His writing is snappy and quick, and its obvious he knows how to make an audience like or hate a character quickly.  Without spoiling some of the small surprises, there are also character traits and…lack of abilities, shall we say, that are not only interesting, but of vital importance down the road.  You’ll know when I’m talking about here when you see it.  As far as his directing goes, the highest compliment I can pay the man is that he doesn’t pussy-foot around or pad time with scenes that only slow a piece down.  His lighting is bright, as 90% of the film takes place during the day (which is a nice departure from the norm I must say) and he does his best to hide the so-so cgi from being a total eyesore and distraction.  My usual concerns over CGI apply here, as they always do, but I can’t really fault the man since the flick looks like it was made for around or under 10 million (just a guesstimate) and in order to capture some of the scope of his “invasion”, there was probably no way to do it practically and keep the budget tight.  Rankins keeps his camera on his talent most of the time, giving us glimpes of the bugs along with actors in the shot.  It is a simple move, but it helps create a smidgen of believability and keeps us from having our complete attention drawn to the ho-hum computer graphics.

This guy who be one hell of a basketball player.

With the lens being pointing at the humans most of the time, it’s my pleasure to tell you that the actors do much more than hold their own.  Chris Marquette (Alpha Dog, The Girl Next Door) and Brooke Nevin (I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer) lead the pack as our two main interests and fill in the role of attractive 20 somethings whose battle of wits and budding romantic tension perfectly.  Almost everyone in this movie has a few good smarmy lines, but these two get to do a bulk of the shit talking, mostly between one another.  We get unlikely heroes and nice little twists involving pre-invasion time frame which our characters had forgotten due to yet another clever power the bugs have, but to cut back to Rankin for a second, he manages to squeeze a lot of these actors, and it shows.  There are moments where our survivors must make tough decisions thanks to some nice little swerves and twists in the plot, and the handling of these diversions is often just as pivotal as the twist itself.  Thankfully, it all makes sense, characters don’t sacrifice who they are or what their persona’s are about just to please the script, and for those characters with an evolution their progression makes total sense.  I can’t really say too much more without giving some of the fun away of seeing it for yourself, so I’ll move onto wrapping this review up for y’all. =)

Just checking for a pulse...oops, well now we know there isn't one for sure.

Perched somewhere between too good for a sci-fi channel Saturday night movie premiere and not quite good enough to really make a killing at the box office, Infestation seems like one of those happy little exceptions to the rule when it comes to straight-to-dvd genre releases (they usually suck balls).  It’s quick, not very emotionally taxing, has a GREAT ending (and hell no I am not going to ruin that for ya) and is always funny, action-packed, or both.  In a year that has been seeing sci-fi cinema rule the roost (Star Trek, District 9, etc), it’s nice to see a smaller film pop up that, I think, has the charm and ingenuity to be quite successful, and hopefully land Writer/Director Kyle Rankin some larger, more ambitious work.  Smart, snappy, and dare I even say cute in places, Infestation has all the qualities to get under your skin in a big way.  No need for an exterminator here (shit, did I already make that joke?).

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

"Oh yeah, big bugs. Oh shit they FLY NOW? Damnit."

I'm betting she isn't the final girl. What do you think?

Another day, another slasher film.  During my regular rounds of combing the information superhighway for the most underrated and forgotten orphans of my beloved genre, it dawned on me that I had yet to pay humble tribute, in the form of a review, to one of the better and more classic slasher films of the early 80′s.  The Prowler is a furtive and taut little slasher film that stands out in the crowd thanks to its atmosphere, its back story is rooted in post-WWII small-town America, and its gnarly and rough stalk-and-kill sequences.  To go along with those three admirable qualities, we are treated to a loud, slightly overpowering, but fitting score, and elements of a mystery “who done it” film thrown in for good measure, which should keep most viewers guessing right up until the ends about who, exactly, is under those army fatigues.

35 years ago in a sleepy town in New Jersey (really?), a grisly double murder took place with the murderer never being found.  Decades later, as a dance (complete with awful house band) for college students is about to get underway, it seems someone has decided to don the same army fatigues and continue on with the spree.  As people get picked off one by one, the question of who it is that is lashing out on the unsuspecting victims becomes just as important as how to find and stop him from striking again.

The "Sheriff" Jeep. Only in New Jersey folks.

I’ll cut right to the chase on this one.  If you’re the kind of slasher fan who watches these flicks for the quality of the kills, then The Prowler should be on your radar pronto.  While they aren’t the most imaginative and far-fetched slayings you are ever going to see, the elongated and messy nature of them bring believability to the notion that these attacks could actually be deadly.  All too often in horror flicks, people are tapped lightly with a grain of salt, which somehow kills them instantly.  OK, so maybe that doesn’t happen, but you know what I’m saying.  Kills in horror are hardly ever truly believable.  The Prowler doesn’t mince metaphorical words when it comes to that though, as the blood pours from open, gaping, and generally realistic wounds, and our killer makes sure his prey is finished before moving onward.  Tom Savini, gore legend, provides much of the bloodletting and slashing effects for The Prowler, which means there is nothing I can really complain about since that man has always had a lock down on how to off folks in entertaining and gross ways.  The soundtrack, which also doubles to help make some of the cleverly placed boo scares really pop, is loud and somewhat oppressive.  At times though, this successfully has a nice effect on the viewer, as it builds tension and tightens nerves.  At other times, it is merely distracting.  Lighting is grade-A, with nothing being too dark or too over lit, but the real star of the technical package maybe be the locations, which are all filled with enough personality to be easily distinguished and enough similar hallways, doors rooms, and corners to validate and heighten the enjoyment of the few cat and mouse bits.

The Prowler. Serial Killer. WWII Veteran. Germaphobe.

So it all looks and sounds good, but hows the pacing and shot choice?  Quite good actually, thanks in part to noted director Joseph Zito being at the helm for this one in what would prove to be his warm-up directorial job before he went on to direct the then final chapter in the Friday the 13 series, inaccurately titled Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter.  For anyone who thought that movie was their cup of tea (and how could you not?  that is easily one of the top 3 in the series) The Prowler shows Zito perfecting some of his methods witouth the safety net of working with an iconic cinematic figure like Jason Voorhees.  The pacing is top notch, and every time I watch this movie (this is the 4th time) I catch myself being sucked in and before I know it, it’s over.  In this particular genre however, being quick, clean, and efficient is a major blessing.  Zito moves things along like a busy mother shuffling through a grocery store, but never forgets to pick up the milk she knew she needed before she left the house.  The camera is mainly in observer mode, but Zito usually gets a little more daring when it comes to the kills and jolt scares, which is appropriately when he is at his best.  He also avoids showing the The Prowler too much or too little, something that helps to keep up tension since you may only see a quick glimpse of his at the top of a staircase or a shot of his boots near a shrub.  As far as colors or filters go, this one is kept pretty dark and natural, which lends nicely to the semi-militaristic vibe that is being supplied by the history of the town, it’s infamous double-murder, and The Prowler itself.  It wraps itself up in under 90 minutes, including credits, which is the way it should be unless you are filming one hell of a epic slasher picture.

No sex in the Gazebo goddammit.

Last, but not least, is the acting.  Normally, this is the bane of most horror cinema, but here the acting seems fairly natural, and is very rarely completely out of place or awkward.  Maybe the relatively simplistic script helped them, or the guidance of Zito, but a handful of unknowns (and according to IMDB, still pretty much unknowns) carry the flick well enough and supply everything needed to flesh out the mini town and, of course, provide fodder for our hero…I mean The Prowler.  Main leads Vicky Dawson (playing Pamela MacDonald) and Christopher Goutman (playing Mark London) are likable and well suited for their roles and get the nod from me as the rightful stars of the show.  And how could you not like them since they roll around in a SHERIFF JEEP? Seriously, a jeep.  Back to the acting though, the cast is rounded out rather nicely, and we get the typical mean girl on campus, the bubbly slutty girl, the old semi-wise sheriff, the bitter general store owner, and so on.  This isn’t rocket science, but no one said it ever had to be, and what is here is done well without stretching it to the point where if you’re laughing, you’re laugh at it instead of with it.

You hanging in there, buddy?

It is swift, concise, and entertaining.  There are some very clever mechanics in there, call backs to earlier scenes and the like, and the identity reveal is satisfying, as is the final comeuppance.  It doesn’t waste time or parade around pretending to be something it’s not.  Chalk up another gem.  ATTEN-TION!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Is that a bayonet in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Could this poster get any cooler?

I should really change the name of our site to “Alex shows you why the only movies you ever really need to see were made from about 1979 to 1989.”  That’s not true, because some great movies came out before and after that decade long window, but the more and more I dig into the movies I love that may have fallen by the wayside, the more and more I realize they all seem to be either made, or have strong ties, to that time frame.  The Wraith is another one of these rubies, and better yet, one I don’t see spoken about often or reviewed enough (or very well, for that matter) on the internet.  So what is this flick all about?  Glad you asked.

The Wraith is a new spin on the tried and true ghost/spirit revenge tale.  I’m sure we’ve all seen movies where someone is wrongfully murdered, and then a spectral version of them self comes back in order to exact vengeance on those who did him or her wrong.    What you probably haven’t seen is, what if that victim came back with a Dodge Turbo Interceptor, and used his car to kill those who “Road Pirates” who killed him and continue terrorize the small Arizona town they live in?  Sounds kind of badass right?  It totally is, and here’s why.

Suck it Knight Rider.

The first rule of making a car-centric (or Car Porn, for those of you gear-heads out there) movie, besides having some sexy looking cars to film, is that you film the cars well while they are moving.  In recent years, computer graphics, models and copious other cop out special effects have replaced elaborate pyrotechnics and stunt drivers, but The Wraith spares us that sub-video game graphic quality and non-sense for some no-bullshit car chases, races, and massive, multiple angle explosions.  Director Mike Marvin shows a lot of competence and confidence while he makes sweet cinematic love to the fleet of vehicles he has at his disposal, and every race and chase is filmed very well, even if they are a bit on the short side.  Even with short actions sequences, the movie is built around the set pieces, meaning to say that you never go more than 15 minutes or so before something is getting blown up or shot at.  Marvin still manages to let the characters be fleshed out enough to care about by meshing the action with character development, with special attention given towards Keri Johnson (the damsel in distress), Packard Walsh (played brilliantly by actor-turned-director Nick Cassavetes, director of such steaming piles of shit like John Q, The Notebook, and Alpha Dog), and Jake Kesey (played by a stunt driver in an awesome black leather suit mostly, and when he is out of the suit, it’s Charlie Sheen.)  Mike Marvin seemed hellbent on turning Nick Cassavetes into a legitimate action bad guy movie star, as he shines throughout as just a miserable bastard of a villain, but one who is pretty smart and intimidating in an unconventionally stylish and almost classy way.  The scene that pushes him over the edge, and shows Mike Marvin at his actor-driven-scene best is when Packard forces his girlfriend/”property”, Keri Johnson, to cut his hand to show that they are “Blood Lovers.”  When Marvin isn’t giving little peeks into the everyday world of the road pirates or Keri, he is making the best of the picturesque south-western scenery and really knocking the race and chase scenes out of the park with simple but highly effective camera angles that are usually filming slightly upward at the cars, in order to give that a “bigger than life” quality and a greater sense of speed and pure muscle.

Insert General Motors joke here.

Since I already bled into a critique of what you can expect from the acting, I will cheat a bit here and sum it up by saying that if you know how to take 80′s acting on the chin, and laugh a bit WITH it, instead of at it, you won’t have any problems sitting through The Wraith.  On a whole, the acting is above par from what I remembered it being the first time I saw this (which was when I was like 12, and I saw it on a Sunday afternoon on WB 11 New York or something like that) and again, the true standout is Nick Cassavetes as the absolutely insufferable and demented Packard Walsh.  Oh, and Clint Howard lends his…big hair, crazy glasses, and general geekdom to this flick as well, and Clint is always worth mentioning.  Randy Quaid has something between a cameo and a bit part as one Detective Loomis (a nod to Halloween?) and does what Randy Quaid normally does; be kinda weird and off putting and not play much of a factor in the likability of any movie in particular.

Seriously Clint, what the fuck is going on with those glasses and that hair. That doesn't "just happen" to a guy, right?

The real stars of the show, as you probably guessed by the story synopsis, are the special effects and the cars.  Now, before somebody jumps down my throat, I am not a guy car.  I know one car in the film is a Turbo Interceptor, because that’s what people called it in the movie.  There was also a Cuda.  That’s about what I know.  What I do know, is the cars we all very distinguishable, looked very cool and seemed to go really fast, and that was really all I cared about.  The races, as I mentioned earlier, are somewhat on the short sort and somewhat samey, but the fact that they usually end in explosions or some massive crash makes them much more entertaining.  The explosions are ridiculously big, the warehouse explosion and the final crash explosion in particular, but it adds to the quality of the revenge that is so deservedly being dealt out by our black clad, Spas-12 shotgun wielding, Turbo Interceptor driving hero.  The natural lighting that prevails through much of the film gives the movie a much more realistic and gritty look, like you can almost feel the sand and dirt kicking up around these four-wheeled mayhem machines.  The south west is the perfect place to film a movie based around cars and crashes, and the locale certainly glimmers here.  When we aren’t seeing the small Arizon town in the daytime, heavy blues and purples help to give the nighttime a other worldly feel, especially when The Wraith shows up.  As far as the auido department goes, the sound is spot on, and the soundtrack has some Billy Idol, Ozzy Osbourne, Robert Palmer, and Motley Crue in it when the synthy score isn’t just moseying around.

Now might be a good time to run.

The Wraith must be taken in by someone who can enjoy a fair amount of very minor flaws that come with any film that is dated beyond 20 years.  That being said, it is a highly enjoyable, very watchable (visually, it still has some impressive moments), and an impressively unique take on an age old film formula that sees the victim getting one last go at those who did him in.  The “Road Pirates” give it a bit of a modern day Mad Max feel, but The Wraith taps into more of a spacey vibe that anything.  The universe itself has rejected the death of the young, innocent, and unjustly murdered man and have sent him back to Earth with a bitchin’ all black leather racing suit, racing helmet with tinted visor, and a sweet fucking car with one mission.  Kick.  Major.  Ass.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

New York City nights just got even deadlier.

Maniac was a pretty controversial film when it was released, and now that I can finally say I have seen it in its entirety, I can certainly understand why it was zeroed in on as a prime target by worried mommies and overly concerned groups.  Its title accurately describes the main characters as well as the directing of the film, as Maniac is, by my count, at least two distinct movies within one.  The first being a fusion of a theatrically recreated pseudo-documentary of a serial killer, and the second more closely resembling a flick that could be lumped under the broad umbrella of the slasher film by less discerning critics and film aficionados.  While the documentary angle I embrace to an extent, to call Maniac a slasher is to completely ignore all the things about it that differentiate it from being just another slasher.  It’s more like an experiment in serial kill based storytelling, and at point even an examination of deep mental and psychological wounds and their long term effects on even the most normal and unremarkable members of everyday society.

The story follows the path of Frank Zito, a man who has found…”solace” in killing ordinary citizens, mainly women, in New York City in an attempt to get some sort of abstract revenge on his long deceased mother who mistreated him.  Piece by piece, we unravel some more details about both Frank and his mother, and also witness him collect parts of his victims in order to decorate mannequins that adorn his hole-in-the-wall apartment.

Sleeping with hand-cuffed mannequins. And I thought I was desperate.

As you’ve probably guessed, a movie like Maniac would largely be a one man show.  Fortunately for us Joe Spinell is great as the psycho killer, and at times a little too good.  As I alluded to earlier, one of the most disturbing things about Maniac isn’t just the blood andlayings s  (provided by one of the Godfathers of Gore himself, Tom Savini), but also how relentless it is and how real it seems from an acting standpoint.  The female victims all have screams that really sell some of the more unconvincing and impossibly rapid deaths in the film, and Joe Spinell appears truly in his element as he prolongs the moments before the inevitable as long as he can.  In some scenes, Spinell will even look directly into the camera, while he is either talking or his thoughts are being vocalized to us via his own mental narration.  These glares into the lens are very unsettling, and really feel as though he can see YOU, and only you, and is asking you with his eyes for consent or permission to carry out his deed.  This is one of the few points where I feel Maniac deviates from the beaten path of the slasher sub-genre, and jump into the deep end of borderline experimental film making and psychological horror.  Spinell really steals the show, and not just by default since he pretty much is the entire show.  Caroline Munro plays his opposite, and “romantic” interest, and gives the movie a much needed shot in the arm when she arrives about halfway through the flick.  She is a bit of a genre vet, and knew how to be beautiful and also impress with her acting abilities.  I would like to say she brings in an element of comedy, but Maniac is a film determined to be as deadpan in its delivery as possible.  Spinell and Munro play nicely off each other, giving the movie its only scenes where strict acting technique and talent is the main draw for a few minutes.  To really pass judgment on the acting is a slippery slope, since it relies so heavily on your patience and willingness to buy into the very off-kilter nature of the whole yarn.  Your mileage may vary, but things do pick up and the acting gets better and deeper as the story unfolds.

Best exploding head ever?

Keeping with the theme of exploring what makes this film so grimy and effective, let’s move right along to the technical package, and in particular the special effects.  The special effects could be summed up simply by saying two words…Tom Savini.  For those of you out there who don’t know who Savini is, let me first welcome you to the planet Earth.  Secondly, Savini was the behind Romero’s original “Of The Dead” trilogy, responsible for changing the way the entire world viewed zombies and gut-munching, among other things.  His work in Maniac is far from his best overall grouping of kills and blood, but the absolute screamer of the bunch is the head explosion via shotgun that comes into play about halfway through.  Ironically enough, Savini is the actor who is actually getting his head taken off, which must have been strange for him as he watched a meticulously modeled and painted replicated head of himself get shattered by buckshot.  This kill also signals the movie moving into a different territory, one where we see our killer get more proficient with his murders, and more risky with his entrances and exits.  The flick also gets more brutal from this point on, as if the film weren’t already slimy enough.  Speaking of slime, the flick takes place in pre-Christmas December, meaning that even when scenes are shot in the daytime, it is done in that hazy shade of winter that makes a city like New York look just that much more gray and bleak.  The cinematography and photography all bleeds this kind of choking vibe like Frank Zito is squeezing the last droplets of life out a city already ravaged by moral and social decline.  Lighting is mostly natural, and there is a dusty feeling to many of scenes and even the actors, especially since the camera likes to stand just a little to close to the characters on screen for comfort, like we are invading their personal bubble.

Frank Zito needs to hire a better interior designer.

Speaking of invading personal space, director William Lustig shows a great aptitude for doing just that with special attention given to how tight, up close shots that follow motion can create a copious amount of tension.  What stood out to me as the absolute best example of everything Maniac does in exemplary fashion is the subway “chase” scene with the nurse-like character.  It’s already a long scene from start to finish, topping out somewhere around the 10 minute mark, but it feels even longer than that thanks to the wonderful directing and spine-rattling suspense.  Even though you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt what the end results will be, you’re just never sure when, where, or how that blow will be delivered.  This also is one of the two scenes that made me jump, thanks to a appropriately left-of-center score that at times features some strange slap-bass riffs and at other times some John Carpenter-esque synthesizer magic with heavy, loud notes punctuating the boo scares.  Lustig really worked the natural, unpolished style of directing to the fullest he could with Maniac, which makes it stand out as a flick that just looks dirty and bleak, the perfect accompaniment on the visual plane to the story of Frank Zito.  The flashy shots we get are few and far between, but some of the point of view stuff is done subtly and quickly enough to jar your attention and keep you off balance, and when Zito is performing a scalping on one of his recent victims, we get a shot from the eyes of deceased as blood pours down over her face from her head.  It’s a small, easy to manufacture cinema trick, but it works due to the set up of that particular kill and how reserved Lustig was with his gimmicks.  Early on, Maniac may feel touch and go for a while, as the pace isn’t exactly what anyone would call speedy, but the directing is more than serviceable enough, and more importantly its full of purpose and resolve, which makes the whole movie worth watching even if it isn’t flipping your wig in the first act.

Mannequins. Ultra creepy.

Maniac is a rare case where I think the hoopla surrounding it I have read so much about may have actually been warranted.  What is funny is that the concern many people expressed over the film should have been seen as praise towards the director, writers, producers and actors for making a movie that has effected grown adults to such an extent, regardless of whether or not it was “just a movie.”  I won’t go out on a limb and say this is the most personally effecting flick I have ever seen, but I will say I noticed myself adjusting myself in my seat multiple times, which is a reflection on how squirm-worthy some of the set pieces are in Maniac.  I will use a phrase to describe I have used many times, but I feel is fitting here again with Maniac.  It is uneven, but it isn’t at all bad or poorly conceived.  It will be a matter of personal taste that will be the determining factor with this one, but if you care for my humble opinion, I say you should give it a shot if you’re not, for lack of better terms, an over-sensitive and/or feminist/feminist sympathizing wimp.   I only say that because Maniac can be seen as very mean-spirited toward the fairer sex.  What Maniac has up its sleeve though, is an unique experience, one of which I can’t directly compare to anything else I have seen, which is highlighted throughout by some very tense and simplistic-yet-innovative cat and mouse stalk sequences complete with mostly impressive gore.  If this sounds like a good time to you, and you’re a woman between the ages of 18-26, please give me a call at 555…I mean give this one a shot if that sounds like your cup of tea.

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

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