The Ultimate Hardgore Splatter Tape

The Ultimate Hardgore Splatter Tape is a video cornucopia of gore clips taken from many of our favourite horror/gore films.

Our trip into this tape begins with, among others, a clips of big hairy spiders crawling all over some hot chick, I don’t mind spiders at all, but I don’t know if I’d have the bottle to just lie there, unflinching, while they were all over my face. Kudos to that actress!

The first clip to make me ‘ugh!’ was one where some guy is being killed – no, that didn’t make me ‘ugh’, the woman who has – what looks like – forks protruding from under her eyes, that did it for me:

Ugh! If there's one thing I can NOT stand is things being done to eyes *shudder*

Then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, we see a chick peering through a peep-hole in a door, for a bullet to come flying through it and take her eye (and brain) out. God dammit, was this tape custom made to repel me?!

Next, some quality boobage from the mistress of boobage herself, Ilsa (aka: Dyanne Thorne)

Hooray for Dyanne Thorne and her ample bosom! HOORAY!

Following on comes the (in?)famous dick chopping scene from whats-its-face, the cannibal film. I always get the Holocaust’s and Ferox’s mixed up. A woman then decides to deep fry her hand and munch on it, nice!

Reaching the half-way mark, we get some Tetsuo weirdness. I can spot that grey, mechanical, oddness anywhere. Speaking of oddness… Rikki-O makes several appearances. No bizarre gore tape would be complete without some Rikki!

Another clip that I thought kicked ass was this one of some devil dude popping up in front of a monk:

If that suddenly popped up in front of me, I'd most definitely pee AND poo myself!

Don’t know what film it’s from, but I shall be looking through the end credits to find out, as that devil makeup looks kick ass for a black and while oldie. Assuming it’s not a newie with oldie effects applied to the picture.

UPDATE: I believe the film is called Häxan (aka: Witchcraft Through the Ages), from 1922. So I hope to review that soon!

The last part of the tape has the inevitable Necromantik scenes and a music video from some band I don’t recognise.

I feel like I'm John Holmes now... even I'm bigger than that! Although his IS about to be lobbed off...

I’m not even going to pretend that I know where all the clips come from, but there’s an authoritative list of clip sources (and music sources) at the end of the tape, which is something I wish more mixtapes would do, as there’s nothing worse than seeing an awesome clip but never knowing where the clip originated.

Even though it only runs for 65 minutes, it packs a punch and should be watched by all. I have no doubt that there will be at least one clip that will make you want to look away. And several that will make you rewind and replay.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

The Haunted World of El Superbeasto

In my humble opinion, Rob Zombie has only made one movie which properly showcases his talent as both a director and as a fucked up individual, House of 1,000 Corpses. Everything after that is just Hollywood fodder. House of 1,000 Corpses was a genuine homage to the splatterfests of the 60′s and 70′s. Thus, I consider El Superbeasto Mr. Zombies second good film and, again, pays homage to his many influences.

The first obvious influence is the old EC comics, as shown in the DVD cover (left) which is a blatant ‘homage’ (read: rip-off) of the EC comic covers. His other influences are the many exploitation/horror films mentioned, shown, or hinted at in the movie. But first, some background (from IMDb, of course):

The story follows the adventures of El Superbeasto, a washed-up Mexican luchador, and his sultry sidekick and sister Suzi-X as they confront an evil villain by the name of Dr. Satan. The adventure, set in the mythic world of Monsterland, also has a character named Murray the robot.

The movie starts in black and white with an old fashioned gent, complete with posh English accent, telling us that if you are easily offended you should leave now. At that point I settled down to enjoy the 1940′s style intro complete with dramatic orchestral sounds and text overlaid on black and white images. Very nice touch.

The intro, done in fine black and white, 1940's style. A very nice touch.

The start of the movie shows us in (not too much graphic) detail that El Superbeasto is in fact now a porn director. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

While El Superbeasto is in the nuddie bar, his sister, Suzi-X (Sheri Moon Zombie, using her cute girly voice) is fighting Nazis.

How can any movie using Nazi werewolves possibly fail??!

Meanwhile, El Superbeasto is smitten by a giant-jugged stripper named Velvet Von Black, who has a sexy voice all be it littered with expletives. Dr. Satan then makes an appearance to explain himself and his mad-cap plan to take over the world by capturing Von Black. Using a giant gorilla with a screw in it’s head.

TIP: check the queue of people waiting after ‘Beasto decides to save Von Black, it’s almost a who’s who of classic movies

‘Beasto decides to call in the help of his sister Suzi-X and together (OK, mainly her) they set of too rescue Von Black, just so that ‘Beasto can have his wicked way with her and so the scene is set for the main adventure which involves Nazi zombies, Hitler’s head (in a jar), cat fights, and much MUCH more!

Now there's a guy with balls...

The animation is very colourful, all be it X-rated in places (no penises thankfully!), well done, and reminded me of good old Ren & Stimpy cartoons from my childhood (not the newer stuff, it sucks mountains of ass). The story is a bit broken in places, but with such a bizarre story I expect that. Music is handled by ‘Hard & Phirm’ who I’ve never heard of before, but they provide some excellent rockabilly, Munsters-type, music which fits in beautifully. Oh, and listen to the lyrics, they complement the scene perfectly, like when Suzi-X and Von Black are having a cat fight: ‘It’s OK to jerk-off to cartoons / The Japanese do it every day / So rub one out for the USA...’

If you like cheap-ass movies, classic black and white horror and fast, jive-talking, big hootered chicks then El Superbeasto is definitely for you. Just don’t show it to the kids!

Suzi-X and her robotic friend... oh my!

In fact, no, DO show it to the kids, let them know what a decent cartoon is… there’s a definite lack of them now-a-days.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

TRAILER:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=shD5a0KPR3E

AVON needs to call her.

I am so effin’ set.  A cool breeze is crawling through the daily air, I got one of my favorite Halloween themed desktop wallpapers up, and the hoodies and long sleeve undershirts are out of the storage room and in the dresser drawers.  What’s that?  It’s not even the middle of September?  Too bad jerk off (Die Hard reference anyone?), I’m starting early.  I figured to kick off the avalanche of reviews I am planning to do on movies that take place on or around my favorite holiday, I would start with something with a fairly decent reputation that I have not seen yet.  And maybe there was a reason I hadn’t seen it yet.  For many years, Night of the Demons is the movie I always told myself I needed to see one day, but always got interrupted before I ever got 10 minutes into it.  Now that I’ve seen, I can’t help but feel really underwhelmed.  Maybe my expectations were too high, or I have put it on a mental pedestal since it always eluded me whenever I tried to sit down and view it, but Night of the Demons lacked that… “juno se qua” that makes a horror movie really stand out and pop.

The plot is simple and serviceable enough.  A gaggle of stereotypical teenagers get invited by the weird goth chick from history class to “Hull House” for a party on Halloween night.  The house is an old funeral home, that isn’t only built on some historical sacred/crazy scary patch of land, but was also the venue for a grisly multiple homicide and suicide by its former residents AND located right next to a cemetery.  Talk about a bad place to put funeral home, shit.  I don’t think it takes a nuclear physicist to figure out what the rest of the night is going to be like for these raging sacks of hormones.

Apparently old abandoned creepy houses on the edge of town come complete with their own fog machines.

The first, and most crucial, complaint I have with Night of the Demons is the fact that it takes forever to get to where it’s going, and even then it never really ramps it up like its mid-to-late 80′s contemporaries did so well.  Kevin Tenney (director of the more recent zombie flick Brain Dead, which I reviewed here) revs the engine too many times without letting the brake go and just going full bore into the killing fields, and by the time he does, the engine has been taxed too much and can barely top 60 miles an hour.  It’s a classic example of “too little, too late” film making in horror where you have been braced for all hell to be unleashed so many times, that by the time it does, even if it is really kick ass, you just don’t care anymore.  I really hate being this negative, and coming down on a film like this, because it did genuinely have some original ideas, like dressing the female lead in an Alice costume from Alice in Wonderland and having her be put in situation that could be free-associated quite easily to parallel Wonderland, but as I said before, I felt like I was watching a nervous executioner trying to flip the switch on a serial killer.  Another silent killer was the fact the movie wallows in darkness for far too long.  Not in sense of mood or tone, but I mean actual absence of lighting.  I had to watch this with the lights off just to offset some of the scenes where all I could make out were hues of blue and windows.  It works for a while, and I understand that in the darkness, boo scares are much easier to pull off (and Night of the Demons had a few really good ones) but eventually you have to let us see what is going on.

There are two people in this snapshot. Can you tell? I couldn't.

On the brighter side of things, the soundtrack is a pretty cool combination of little bumps in the night and eerie sounds and noises organized quite well.  The opening number that plays over the really fun to watch animated credit sequence is the best example of this.  There are some decent boo scares, and there is a wraparound subplot that is told through two scenes (one in the beginning of the movie, and then finished in the last scene) that is absolutely genius.  Linnea Quiqley is downright scary as she switches back and forth from prissy attractive girl who is always applying makeup, to possessed hell beast, to hyper-sexual possessed hell beast, to playful little girl at the end of a hallway with a ballerina dress on, who is also a possessed hell beast.  Everyone else in the movie, with the exception the incredibly enjoyable grumpy old man from the first and last scenes, are just various shades of “meh.”  No one really bombs their roles entirely, but I think some of them may have been working more for exposure or to pay back weed debts to their college buddies who now happen to be casting directors and film makers.  There are a few good bits of weird gore that is worth a mention as well, and the facial make up on the demonized party-goers is pretty fantastic, when you can actually see it.  The best special effect would have to be Angela floating, instead of walking, through the hallways of the maze like funeral home.  I don’t know if it is just me, but whenever people get all evil and messed up, and then gain the ability to float an inch or so off the ground, that is really quite unnerving.

Even the demons have to cut back somehow is this recession.

So, my little party didn’t get off to quite the rollicking start I had hoped it would, but Night of the Demons is far from the worst possessed house/demon party movie I have seen.  It has moments where you can feel some genuine creativity and spark rumbling just beneath the surface, but for whatever reason, that just never erupted into a fully realized on-screen bloodbath or jolt-fest that would have elevated it quite a bit.  There are some funny lines, but the constant gear switches and late blooming of the proper stalk-and-kill second and third acta managed to bring Night of the Demons to a screeching halt a few times too many times to keep up any type of serious or comedic flow, momentum, and tension.  Not the worst choice for a movie to get you into the holiday spirit, but I can guarantee I will have finer examples of the season via cinema over the next 40 or so days.  The party at Hull House isn’t one I would recommend crashing to most, save for the dedicated few who need to see more of Linnea Quiqley naked, or just every horror film that takes place on All Hallows Eve.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

Still a damn fine opening credit sequence though!

Poultrygeist - Night of the Chicken Dead

I’ve seen many strange movies in my time, but none have come close to Poultrygeist. It is politically incorrect, cheaply made, completely over the top, badly acted, and utter nonsense.

Yep, you guessed it: I liked it!

Plot (and I use the term loosely): When the American Chicken Bunker, a military-themed fried-chicken chain, builds a restaurant on the site of an ancient Indian burial ground, local protesters aren’t the only ones crying fowl! The previous tenants, fueled by a supernatural force, take “possession” of the food and those who eat it, and the survivors discover that they must band together before they themselves become the other white meat! (source: IMDb)

First and foremost, it has boobies within the two minute mark! Not only that, but it has a cameo appearance from Ron Jeremy. Thankfully he keeps his pants on, and the boobs aren’t his.

The movie starts with a couple of teens going at it in a graveyard. Both promise to meet up later in life to continue their romance. Poor Arbie turns up years later to meet his sweetheart to find a mass of protesters outside a new fast-food (chicken based) which has sprung up on their old stomping ground. Oh, and that she’s now a lesbian. It’s at this point the film starts a song and dance routine for several minutes.

Spot the butch dyke, Britney Spears look-a-like, and the dork...

Arbie takes a job in the restaurant and it’s here that we get introduced to the reprobates who work there. Paco and ‘Hamas’, the burka wearing cook. Her line of: ‘I get so mad I want to explode‘ causes the others to hit the floor and take cover. It’s at this point I knew that political correctness was out the window. Another good sign! Her black bosses reply of ‘Listen Al-Jazeera, I’ll be watching you like CNN‘ made me chuckle.

Paco and Hamas. I'll let you decide which is which...

Next we’re introduced to Carl Jr, who knows Arbie. They debated bestiality in school together. Carl being pro-bestiality. A rather large gentleman enters the establishment and buys a shitload of their food which is, unfortunately, contaminated by a strange green coloured egg. He gulps it down none-the-less then, gets a bit of a rumble-tum, and heads for the shitter with all due haste. That’s the start of the outbreak. Oh, and Paco decides to add his own special sauce to the mix:

This sauce... it's kinda... salty...

… and meets a grizzly end. But fear not, for he is resurrected as a talking burger!

Paco! Is that really you?

Carl gets frisky with a defrosted chicken which attaches itself to his nether-regions, Hamas helpfully removes said item by ramming a mop pole up his ass. All the while customers are spewing their guts up everywhere. The Colonel has a nibble and heads for the porcelain throne too, where he has the mother of all dumps:

I've often felt that...

It’s at this point, people start turning in to giant mutant chickens…

I'm all out of wisecracks...

Various run-around scenes are next, followed by Hamas being what’s necessary:

By the power of Allah! I have the powerrrrrr!!! (no seriously, that's what she says!)

I’m not going to spoil the ending, not that there’s any real story anyway, but you do get to see what’s under Hamas’ burka.

The film is completely start raving bonkers and pokes fun at pretty much every avenue of society, whether they like it or not. Like I said at the start, the story is nonsense, the acting is rubbish, the effects are cheap, but it’s just so mad that you’ve got to love it!

Excuse me while I now go and find some other Troma epics…

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars – I’m giving it 3.5, but +0.5 for being politically incorrect.

Humanoids From The Deep

(alleged) Plot: Scientific experiments backfire and produce horrific mutations: halfman, halffish which terrorize a small fishing village by killing the men and raping the women.

Ronnie: only 35 secs in and I like the intro
Ronnie: … and the fact that it has the legendary (bad) Doug McClure!
Erin: Yeah but they need to get the music straight
Erin: Are they gonna play jazz or orchestra
Ronnie: the music sounds like it’s playing backwards…
Erin: Oh god the ship is called the Nip N Tuck.
Ronnie: music ‘composer’? He needs shooting
Ronnie: really? I never noticed that… damn!
Erin: Yeah, muted trumpet just doesn’t say “death” to me.
Erin: Wow, stilted dialogue
Ronnie: horrible, cheesy, dialogue…
Ronnie: idle chit-chat
Erin: Oooh, you and your “people.”
Erin: That guy’s gonna die horribly.
Ronnie: ‘… but we won the war!’
Erin: Hey, you know what Custer’s last words were?
Ronnie: was that a one legged seagull???

It IS a one-legged seagull!

Erin: The dialogue says yes but the music says no
Erin: I think the humanoid emptied the gas
Ronnie: why you? Because your dooooooooomed!
Ronnie: that kid needs a slap!
Erin: Oh shit gasoline on the poop deck!
Ronnie: tee hee hee… ‘poop’
Erin: The humanoid thought Jackie was a female
Ronnie: that was a total ‘play backward’ shot!
Ronnie: what, a, bunch, of idiots!
Erin: Was that three explosions? Four?

BOOOOOOMMM!!! (four times). Apparently that's the explosion you get when you leave a dribble of petrol on the poop deck...

Ronnie: that was about four explosions, raining fire
Ronnie: did someone fart?
Ronnie: the kid AND dog just legged it
Erin: That’s right, kill the dog.
Ronnie: must have been a vindaloo… that’s a lot of ‘fog’!
Erin: The guy was fishing for his kid to remind us we are in a fishing village
Erin: Looks like someone smoking and blowing the smoke in front of the camera
Erin: Oh, Baron,
Ronnie: that totally WAS someone blowing smoke and playing with a dog
Ronnie: woe-betide!
Erin: Fake scare.
Erin: Wouldn’t they have killed all the cats in town because they’re bad luck?
Ronnie: yeah, the old cat in the ‘something’ gag
Ronnie: from the trail of goop, they’re giant slugs
Erin: That chick has entirely too much ass for an early 80s movie
Erin: I bet she thought she was fat
Ronnie: it’s the jeans, they make her bum look big…
Erin: Hot numbers from Humboldt county!
Ronnie: the sound on this movie is all over the place! The music is loud, the people are quiet, sound effects are WAAAYYY too loud…
Erin: So are the jeans making her lips look big too?
Ronnie: yeah… it’s all good
Erin: Oh shit, I can see where this is going
Ronnie: all the dogs but one breed are dead??
Ronnie: What’s the killer? A giant cat with a chip on it’s shoulder??
Erin: All the dogs but the Indian’s dog. It’s a racist cat.
Ronnie: Alex! 13mins 15sec – underwear!
Ronnie: ah crap, a giant racist cat!
Erin: Underwear and high heels, gotta look hot for my death scene
Ronnie: the heels are to make sure she’ll fall
Erin: Gotcha.
Erin: She is ready for someone named Linda to come over?
Ronnie: yay!
Ronnie: 15mins in, and there’s been about a dozen cheap (ineffective) scares
Erin: The only thing that scares me is that old woman’s orange corsage
Erin: The blonde chick changed high heels
Ronnie: FESTIVAL??! A barn with some people and some dude with a banjo

The banjo-dude. Aka: the-scenes-that-helped-pad-the-film-out.

Erin: I bet the Indians are environmentalists.
Erin: This is a terror of big business movie
Erin: Grrreat little scientist
Ronnie: Jesus, her hair is huuuuuuge!
Ronnie: oh no, not the banjo guy again…
Erin: Oh, they’re messin with Mother Nature. Bigger salmon, big enough to kill your dog and fuck your wife.
Ronnie: could be worse, could kill your wife and f….
Ronnie: nah, never mind…
Erin: Heh heh heh
Erin: Is Vic Morrow the guy with the fro?
Erin: They have a bouncer at their jamboree!
Ronnie: ‘festival’!
Erin: That was some weak kick. Watch the guy jumping back from the punches.
Erin: Hahahaha the punch through the window!
Ronnie: that was quite probably the girliest fight EVAR!
Erin: I actually Lol’d
Ronnie: what’s an OWL doing out, hooting, in broad daylight??!
Erin: Now they’ve got a military drum and fife in the mix
Erin: The owl was just part of the muzak
Ronnie: what’s a ‘fife’?
Erin: A flute
Erin: Let’s wait and hear what Johnny Eagle has to say
Ronnie: oh – your edumakational
Erin: Well I’m American, we know everything
Ronnie: they’re in beachwear even though it looks bloody freezing?!
Erin: Good thing the invisibility spray worked so they could do it in public

Uh, guys... the invisibility spray isn't working. She can see you. And I'm sorry, but that has to be THEE most dull day ever for beachwear...

Erin: He’s gonna have a heartattack before he lands that fish
Erin: Oooh, 2 black eyes!
Ronnie: yeah
Erin: Aw man I like the way her camera hangs!
Erin: She’s gonna live
Ronnie: are those two just going to walk for miles just to snog in public?
Ronnie: net net net net…. (aka: Jaws)
Erin: Oh, the boy who cried fish
Ronnie: niiiiice! Half a face!
Erin: Oh the famous fingernails in the sand shot
Erin: Boobs!
Ronnie: yay!
Ronnie: 30mins in
Erin: Those guys are all beat to hell by one Indian.
Ronnie: yeah… wussies
Ronnie: speak of the devil…
Erin: Hey, nice vest. You too!
Ronnie: why is everyone wearing lumberjack shirts?
Erin: It is required on the north Pacific coast. Where do you think the “grunge look” came from?
Ronnie: 34mins – chick showing boobs to a dummy…
Erin: I can’t believe he kept dummying after she got naked
Erin: And the dummy’s eyes moved
Erin: After he was dead
Ronnie: 35mins, full nudity!
Ronnie: and, uh, possibly creature rape!
Erin: Thank God for Roger Corman
Erin: Of course, the rules are in effect. They are only raping the slutty ones.
Ronnie: ah, true…
Erin: Shut up Susan!
Erin: Hah!
Ronnie:
Erin: Odd how it is still daylight where the bad guys are
Erin: More multiple explosions
Ronnie: yeah, and how all three explosions sounded identical
Ronnie: even though they were different distances from the camera
Erin: I suspect the whole movie is dubbed
Ronnie: I’m convinced of it, due to the previous scenes of the people in the boat. Again all voices were the same volume, even though some where on the deck, some up top
Erin: The boat scene definitely
Erin: And the three strikes of the head on the dock was arty
Erin: Now run it over, bitch!
Ronnie: exactly what I was going to say!
Ronnie: she doesn’t even look scared…
Ronnie: don’t forget to check the rear-view mirror! FAIL!
Erin: Aaaand explosions
Ronnie: another three explosions
Ronnie: obviously the same explosion, but do we need to see it from three different angles?!
Erin: Is this gonna be one of those movies where everyone gets dead and nobody notices
Ronnie: It already IS!
Erin: The Homeboy Ambulance Service

OK, who's going to lean out the window and make the siren noise?

Ronnie: tee hee
Ronnie: look, your Doug McClure! You’ve saved the planet on numerous occassions!
Erin: Yeah, surely you can handle a walking mess of collard greens!
Ronnie: seems not… they’re all scared of a bundle of seaweed with exposed brain…
Erin: It did have an exposed brain, I forgot about that
Ronnie: so she’s suddenly an expert on seaweed monsters??!
Ronnie: amazing
Erin: Yeah she’s the person who knows more than they’re saying
Ronnie: and she can draw
Erin: My favorite stock character
Ronnie: why does she somehow know about them??
Erin: She accidentally created them
Ronnie: ‘bigger than I expected’ she said
Erin: Remember, she was making bigger salmon?
Ronnie: yeah, but they weren’t salmon
Erin: Well whatever she put in the water mutated some fish
Ronnie: uh oh, now it’s the ‘lets go on a dangerous mission’
Ronnie: and gave them exposed brains??! Wow… I’m impressed
Ronnie: oh, and made them humanoid
Erin: Nice wetsuit
Ronnie: yeah I was wondering when she was going to start getting skimpy
Erin: As soon as she did they attacked
Ronnie: AIM FOR THE HEAD!
Erin: No shit, aim for the Mars Attacks back of the head
Ronnie: Sorry, I forgot the rules… danger = skimpy
Erin: Peggy was fucked nearly to death
Ronnie: she’s probably pregnant by now
Erin: Yeah, he buried her in the kelp until the eggs could hatch
Erin: You stupid ass! Look at it!
Ronnie: ‘you stupid ASS’
Erin: FTW
Ronnie: ha ha, he got verbally bitch slapped

He looks seriously pissed at being called a 'stupid ass'. Looks quite campy too.

Erin: Like Jimbo and Johnny Eagle are gonna understand this science lesson
Ronnie: so Kenko (which is a make of coffee in the UK by the way) are letting her show this film??
Erin: Hmmm
Erin: The festival! Oh my God!
Erin: She ain’t gonna solve this in 20 mins
Ronnie: yeah, I thought ‘oh my God’ too, thought it’d be the banjo guy again!
Ronnie: not so sure, she’s learned everything about the Humanoids in about ten minutes…
Erin: I remember the festival this is from the trailer. We’re gonna see a nice decap if we have the right version
Ronnie: banjo guy again!
Erin: So we have to stop the humanoids, find out if the girl is pregnant and see what happens to Doug McClure’s brother
Ronnie: hands full? There wasn’t THAT much there…
Erin: Can they tie it all up?
Erin: Oh no, not the baby
Ronnie: of course they can half-ass it…
Ronnie: why bother showing it, if it isn’t gonna get it?
Erin: NoYo Noyo Noyo
Ronnie: is he trying to hypnotise them??
Erin: All those explosions and things in 3s and they still couldn’t pad the running time to more than an hour 20?
Ronnie: they’re padding it with the banjo guy!
Erin: Slattery is Vic Morrow. Hope he gets killed spectacularly
Erin: She is waving at the fleeing masses
Ronnie: decap with any luck…
Ronnie: she’s a beauty queen, what do you expect?
Erin: I love the foot stuck out to trip the roller skater
Ronnie: they’re walking like they’ve crapped their pants….
Erin: And the biggest slut of all was the bad guy’s daughter
Ronnie: throat rip!
Erin: I think we got the wrong cut
Erin: Should’ve been a decap
Ronnie: not even a decap can save this anyway….
Ronnie: highway patrol??!
Erin: Yeah, because they’re trained to catch speeders and humanoids
Erin: Why is she watering the water?
Ronnie: ah right… see they don’t get training for Humanoid attacks in the UK
Erin: Humanoids riding the carousel
Ronnie: well at least the Humanoids are enjoying the rides…
Erin: Oooh exposed ribs on the DJ
Ronnie: do all mothers pick up knives when a kid cries???
Erin: How did her top come off from picking up a rock?
Ronnie: it managed to swipe and only take her top off…
Ronnie: Alex, 1hr 1min, lots of jiggly boobies
Erin: LOL the one girl still hanging on the dock
Ronnie: get him! GET HIM!
Erin: See how nice Indians are? Johnny Eagle saved Slattery’s life
Ronnie: Indian dude shoulda left him
Erin: But that’s not part of the propaganda
Ronnie: oh, right…
Ronnie: see, that’s why I don’t make movies
Erin: The scientist chick should die
Ronnie: after all that petrol they sprayed, all they got from it is about five little fires???
Erin: Oh that was what they were spraying?
Ronnie: yeah
Ronnie: (‘gas’ to you Americans )
Erin: Ha ha
Erin: These people take boats everywhere
Ronnie: ok, that’s funny
Erin: Now that was a dubbed beatdown
Ronnie: about ten of them bashing it’s brains in
Erin: Hell yeah that’s how we ROLL on land!
Ronnie: see this is Darwin’s theory of evolution in action. These things are rubbish on land, so they’ll never survive…
Erin: Dig the absurdly long arms
Ronnie: yeah, I quite liked that…
Erin: DRANO!
Ronnie: drain cleaner and stab wildly… there ya go, that’s the solution…
Erin: OK, now I have seen every scene from the trailer
Erin: 5 mins left
Erin: I knew that was McClure why didn’t she?
Ronnie: she was in a killing frenzy…
Erin: The State Patrol is late
Ronnie: Did they get the banjo guy?
Erin: The one cop is completely addled
Ronnie: ‘everything is ok, isn’t it?’… what do you think you stupid COW!! The place is in tatters!!

Everythings ok? What do you think you stupid woman!!

Ronnie: mutant baby in 3, 2, 1…
Erin: Self C-Section
Erin: WTF with Peggy’s eyes?
Ronnie: What about MY eyes after having watched this??!!

Uh, I don't think she's gunna make it. And why does she have dried snot down her face??

Erin: I wish they had made a sequel so they could kill off the scientist for making her have the baby
Erin: What a lab whore!
Ronnie: probably experimenting on herself…
Erin: Yeah, I didn’t see HER having a humanoid for science
Erin: Peggy took one for the team though
Ronnie: yeah, and what a one…
Ronnie: speaking of ones… what’s your score?
Erin: Oh 3.5 definitely! Glorious drive-in fare from the last gasp of the drive in!
Ronnie: yeah, I’m going with a 2.5, but upping it to 3 for the boobs. I have to.
Erin: Men.
Erin: This is the best movie we’ve seen in weeks!
Ronnie: I should really give it another .5 for Alex…
Ronnie: yeah, I’ll give it a 3.5
Ronnie: Alex, you’ve redeemed yourself!
Erin: Um, I picked this one.
Ronnie: You did?
Ronnie: Alex!!!!
Erin: Yep. I showed him the trailer.
Ronnie: Ok Alex, you’re busted…
Erin: You just thought I didn’t cause we didn’t get a good shot of the Humanoids’ wangs.
Ronnie: well, yeah.
Ronnie: no, it’s because Alex first mentioned it while we were watching something else… two/three weeks ago
Erin: Oh yeah, I guess we can share credit.
Erin: Or blame
Ronnie: well, no, not if you showed him the trailer! Your pick… you’ve redeemed yourself from C&B, Alex still needs redemption from the Baron.
Ronnie: I’ve done ok so far *fingers crossed*
Erin: Ok, then, I’m hungry for a nice fish dinner
Ronnie: make sure it’s not a hormone treated salmon!!!
Erin: Will do

Ronnie’s Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Erin’s Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dR62TtwTYX0

“A chain of increasingly gruesome crimes begins when an unscrupulous man named Mainardi (George Hilton) coerces a serial killer (Michel Antoine) into offing Mainardi’s wife. After a young couple (Alessio Orano and Cristina Galbó) steals the murderer’s car — along with the fresh corpse in its trunk — the killer sets off on a maniacal crime spree, staying one step ahead of the bumbling police in director Luigi Cozzi’s giallo-genre thriller.”

Now here’s what really happened. This was a stylish and thoroughly enjoyable thriller, but there is no “chain of increasingly gruesome crimes” and the police are the only people who aren’t “bumbling.” Netflix could pay someone, like for example, me, to watch movies and write better blurbs than that. As the movie opens, the serial killer, known only as “The Killer” puts a dead woman into the passenger seat of a Volkswagen Bug and squeezes her breast before driving away to dispose of the body. Right away we know that he kills to get his rocks off because of the boob grab and that she was strangled because there is no blood . Kudos to the makeup dept, by the way, for making her and the other strangulation victim to follow actually look dead.

Meanwhile, Mainardi and his wife Norma (Teresa Velasquez, looking like an Italian Tori Spelling) argue over his infidelities and she threatens to cut him off financially. Now I have to stop here to show you pictures of their giallo house because it defies description.

In what social circle, or circus, was the ever the fashion for rich folk?

How many Muppets died to cover that couch?

No shit, the whole house.

Anyway, Mainardi leaves in a huff and goes to use a payphone by a deserted lagoon, where The Killer just happens to be dumping the body of the first victim. Mainardi blackmails The Killer into going somewhere else to talk to him. A cafe? An all-night diner? Mainardi’s car?

No, they go and watch a late night ice skating exhibition, and not a very crowded one at that. Mainardi convinces The Killer to kill Norma, then goes home and has sex with her to throw her off her guard.

Norma’s death is where one of the two really outstanding scenes happens. While The Killer is strangling her in her yellow house, the film flashes back and forth between the murder and Mainardi telling jokes and having a good old time at a party somewhere else, and when she is dead the director shows Mainardi and his friends clinking glasses and doing a shot.

But, as the synopsis got right, The Killer’s car is stolen by Laura and her new boyfriend Luca. Seems Laura has promised Luca he can pop her cherry if he takes her on an all-night joyride in a stolen car to a beach called Seagull Point. The body of Norma is already in the trunk so the bumbling Killer steals another car waking the whole neighborhood in the process, and by the time Mainardi saunters home the police are on him and his house like ugly on an ape. The chief inspector (Eduardo Fajardo) knows this is no ordinary kidnapping, because what kidnapper leaves behind a length of phone cord and steals a car to getaway?

So The Killer tracks the kids to the beach where they have begun the cherry-poppin process in an abandoned villa. One thing never changes; ain’t no party like an empty house party. Never mind that they robbed a gas station with Galbo’s breasts the night before, and surely could have sprung for a motel room. But Laura the whiny girlfriend stops Luca and tells him she won’t come across unless he goes and gets her something to eat. Fine.

Luca is such a great guy that along the way he picks up a character we simply know as “Dizzy Blonde” (Femi Venussi) next to her broken down car and they drive into a wooded area to get it on in the car. Meanwhile, The Killer has made it to Seagull Point, found Laura, and gently and lovingly takes her virginity. Seriously. Technically it is a rape, because she is crying and saying no, but basically all he does is fuck her and he even tells her he loves her. He doesn’t even kill her when she’s done, just ties her up! This is the other great scene, because the director cuts back and forth between the two sex scenes. Also, Dizzy Blonde goes full frontal.

Now Dizzy Blonde wants to drive and she backs the stolen car into a tree which breaks the truck latch, but genius Luca still doesn’t find Norma. He makes the blonde slide over and he drives her back to the villa. He promises her a three way with Laura but with the caveat that “if the other broad won’t swing we’ll leave her there.” Classy. Luca goes in the house and The Killer knocks him out by slamming his head into the wall and tells the two kids to remember this next time they think to steal a car. But when The Killer gets outside, Dizzy Blonde has found the body, so he convinces her to go back inside with him because Luca is the killer and the inspector will want to talk to her. He tries to knife her to death and does, but not before she pushes him away and runs to where Laura and Luca are so they are now witnesses. The Killer is reeling because of the blood on his hands because he prefers to strangle, so he leaves the knife in the body and goes to wash his hands. Laura then scoots over to the body, frees herself with the knife, and rapes The Killer to death with a blade to the guts. Nice poetic turn there, really.

The movie cuts to Laura and Luca in the inspector’s office, where he makes his plan to get Mainardi for the murder. He tells the two kids they will get over this by supporting each other, but I somehow doubt they are bonded for life. He also blames Luca for the blonde’s death, but no charges are set for the car theft because “they have been through enough.”

Like I said, I liked the movie. It was, although silly in places, a very cohesive plot for an Italian movie and had I been expecting a thriller I would not have been in any way disappointed. But when I sign up for “a maniacal crime spree,” that’s what I expect to get! Why can’t anyone make a scary, bloody, naked movie that makes sense? Can I get a hell yeah?

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Even the print is blue

I didn’t know when I started my foray into horror writing three months ago that I would be going through my own lifetime wish list of movies to watch, but here I am again. I’m not the most technologically advanced of humans, so it took me until this year to get a copy of Cocksucker Blues. I heard about this movie ten years ago, when I was at the height of my Stones fandom, but of course couldn’t find a copy.

Now, I was excited when I watched Gimme Shelter the same year I first heard of Cocksucker Blues, so excited I watched it all by myself, at my trailer in the flatwoods 30 minutes from town then I called up my best friend, said, “you have to come out here right now and watch this movie.” So he did, and a religious experience was had.

That gives you some idea of what I have, as Ferris Bueller said about Cameron losing his virginity, built up in my mind as the be all end all of human existence. If I liked Gimme Shelter, surely I would love love love Cocksucker Blues. I mean, it is banned to this day, except for the filmmaker’s allowed yearly screening. This was supposed to be the sacred relic of sleaze! Especially the fabled groupie/roadie gangbang on an airplane, a flying airplane I believe, although no one on the plane as it turns out would have noticed if they had boarded them all on in New York, shut the door, opened it, told them they were in LA, and put them out. The twist to this scene was to be the Stones playing musical accompaniment. Well, there’s Mick with some kind of maraca deal and some guy playing a tambourine while a couple of two-pump chumps get it on with two girls for less than two minutes. Ta Daaah!

I know I do go on about being from the South, but believe me when I say that the only dialogue in the entire movie that I understood was a southern girl talking about how she always wanted to meet Keith because she had seen him on TV with an earring made out of a tooth. No one else in the film at any time said anything intelligible apart from a man called Marshall who gave a rambling explanation of the genesis of the title song. The soundtrack didn’t go with the action and the action was stream-of-consciousness. Don’t try and tell me that was for artistic purposes, not when I just saw a woman eat a heaping tablespoon of cocaine. I’m not kidding.

I saw the Rolling Stones on tour in 1989 and they sounded better than they did on this tour, which was for goddamn Exile on Main Street! Their supposed best album (I prefer Let It Bleed, but what can you do.) The only thing that shocked me about this film, other than how boring it was, was the large amount of footage of Mick and Keith actually hanging out together. Oh, and Mick Jagger needed a dollar bill to roll a joint. You would think he would have been a pro by then.

If Motley Crue had made this movie in 1992, they would have showed it at the multiplex with an NC-17 rating. That guy in the cancelled American show “Life on Mars” was pissed cause he got sent back to 1972 and 1972 was supposed to be so hopeless compared to our time. Well, send me back to 1972, honey, if this is the most shocking thing you got! I don’t know if the world got uglier since then, or if we just hear about it more, but things sure seem more hopeless now.

I give it 2 stars, and one of those is because raise your hand, we got to see some titties. And the other is because I like typing the word “cocksucker” with impunity.

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Ilsa - She Wolf of the SS

I’m prefacing this review with some UK centric back story: there was a comedy program on UK television called ‘Allo Allo‘ which mocked the Germans and had the most comical German accents. Every German spoke with a German tinted English accent. No matter how much I try to take this movie seriously, that comedy program pops in to my head since this movie uses the same German tinted English. In all honesty it’s a flaw only UK people who watched Allo Allo will notice. In fact, the movie would probably have been better had they filmed it in German and used English subtitles. But I digress…

Ilsa is the cruel warden of a conentration camp which is conducting ‘medical’ experiments on it’s male, and female, prisoners. Ilsa has a theory that women can withstand more pain than men, and she is out to prove it to the top brass of the SS.

NOTE TO ILSA: Woman can withstand more pain than men because they don’t have nuts to kick. Case closed.

But she is also using the men of the camp for her own sexual pleasure and, surprise surprise, one American prisoner can keep it up all night, and becomes Ilsa’s favourite, I’m guessing the story was written by an American, but Ilsa is also torturing the women of the camp to prove her theory. I won’t spoil the ‘story’ (what there is of one), but her sexual appetite becomes her downfall.

Look! It is the Fallen Madonna with the big boobies! (another Allo Allo reference)

What I liked most about this film is that within two minutes we get to see Ilsa topless in the shower. Certainly got my attention! Or is that got me TO attention, oh, never mind. Then the first batch of women arrive at the camp, we’re then treated to a short scene of each presenting themselves to Ilsa completely starkers.

Gratuitous cleavage shot...

Some of the rape and torture scenes are a bit unnecessary but this movie seems to be all talk and no action. There’s no real gore shown, most of it is all off screen so its reputation seems to have preceeded it. The acting and script is so hammy that its still oinking and the gore is non-existant, so what is there to like? Dyanne Thornes ample bosom, that’s what! Achtung!

To prove my Allo Allo theory, here’s a YouTube clip, showing the best of season one. The Ilsa accents are EXACTLY like the Allo Allo ones!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIkbcBO_6UQ

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars – but only because it has plenty of boobage.

[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071650/]