"Get Your Heart Broken" Certainly a nominee for best tag line of 2009, and maybe of all time.

When I heard that the powers that be in Hollywood were remaking My Bloody Valentine, I actually WASN’T all that upset.  The Original MBV (see our dual review here!) is a GREAT 80′s style slasher flick that was unfortunately largely overlooked due to the genre being over saturated with soulless clones.  Even though the original still holds up amazingly well, and the recently released uncut version adds a  lot more bite from a gore and brutality standpoint, it feels dated enough to warrant a….”heartfelt” (see what I did there?) remake.  Fortunately for old school slasher fans, the remake does a decent job of retelling the story of Harry Warden, while staying true to many of the devices that made the original so memorable and sought after.

“Tom returns to his hometown on the tenth anniversary of the Valentine’s night massacre that claimed the lives of 22 people. Instead of a homecoming, however, Tom finds himself suspected of committing the murders, and it seems like his old flame is the only one will believes he’s innocent.”~IMDB

Harry Warden does NOT fuck around.

So we have a small mining town, tucked away in the middle of “the land time forgot” America.  Great, because we all know those are the safest places when the town tries to hide a secret.  Anyway, what little plot that imdb synopsis doesn’t fill you in on, the opening credits do.  Is it just me, or does anyone else LOVE IT when the opening credits are actually useful?  It seems like such a waste to just have some music playing and credits and titles going.  MBV already gets a bonus half star for not wasting my fucking time by having me listen to a lackluster score while they rattle off names of actors and actresses who are in the movie for 30 seconds.  We are off to a great start.

Speaking of actors and actresses, MBV manages to avoid a major pitfall that sinks many of the remakes us horror fans have had to endure over the last decade; casting.  Jamie King, known for her titillating role in Sin City, does a fine job as being our “main girl” ala Laurie Strode.  She brings a morsel of nuance to her character, and also doesn’t just rely on looking slutty and screaming, but I suppose that is because she is one of the young female stars of Hollywood who can actually act, which is paradoxically why she doesn’t a ton of work. (Who needs an attractive female lead who can act? Pfft, just be a mannequin like Megan Fox.  Since I’m on the topic, fuck Megan Fox.  Bitch seriously looks and acts like an android.) As for leading men, we get Jensen Ackles from the popular Buffy rip-off show Supernatural, and Kerr Smith who is a noted TV drama (Yup, he was on Dawsons Creek for spell!) actor.  They do an OK job of fighting over the affections of Jamie Kings characters and driving the narrative forward, but ultimately there roles are not only secondary, but right on the verge of expendable.  There are better suited actors for these roles, but I guess the casting called for the females to get some good looking guys to look at too, so we are stuck with these dolts.  On the upside TOM MOTHERFUCKING ATKINS is in this movie, being as gruff, ancient, and downright legendary as he always is.  If you don’t know who Tom Atkins is, kill yourself.  Buy a gun, crash your car, drink crystal drano, whatever you gotta do to get the job done.  I kid, I kid.  But seriously, Tom Atkins is horror royalty, mostly thanks to his monumental performance in Night of the Creeps.

I HEART YOU TOM ATKINS!

Patrick Lussier, horror director…semi-extraordinaire, is at the helm for this one.  He is responsible for a long list of mostly “meh” horror movies such as Halloween H20, Cursed, Red Eye, The Eye, and White Noise 2: The Light. (which is MUCH better than White Noise 1, and highly recommended by me as a great little ghost story flick starring Nathan Fillion)  Lussier seems to capture both the best in him and the worst with MBV.  What I mean by that is, one moment he is staging and filming a great little stalk-and-kill sequence, while the next he hovers from a helicopter, shooting the same fucking bridge we have seen in the movie 6 times already.  We get it Lussier, we are in a small town with one bridge leading into it, we haven’t left, give us a damn break with the establishing shots already.  Lussier, I’m sure, was having fun with the possibilities laid before him with 3-D aspects, but still, some shots seem to linger on much longer than necessary, and some really feel like a complete waste of time.  The movie clocks in at 1 hour and 41 minutes, and surely Lussier could have shaved 11 minutes worth of bullshit of it if he wasn’t so concerned with 3-d shots that linger and and footage of ONE FRIGGIN’ BRIDGE.  Besides his love of arching, over water infrastructure, Lussier does show some flair when it comes to his kills, which are thankfully clearly shot, defined, and incredibly grisly.  Some of these kills are hall of fame quality, and they are deserve to be rewound at least once to see how truly brutal they are.  For a slasher movie, as long as the director films the kills good, everything else can be a distant second as far as I am concerned.  It just hurts when someone directs a SLASHER movie, but doesn’t know dick about filming a murder.  Lussier passes, but only with about a C+/B-.

Maybe not as iconic as a William Shatner Mask painted white, or a Hockey Mask, but if I saw this fucker coming my way, I would be running in the opposite direction.

From a technical standpoint, MBV is a great looking and sounding movie.  The cinematography is crystal clear, and the aforementioned establishing shots look really good, all 81 times we see them.  There are also some shots in the mine and surrounding wooded area that feel really alive.  The use of color here is sometimes surprisingly vivid.  The sound is also nice, nothing revolutionary, but nothing to complain about either, which is always a major plus.  Also, no bullshit teeny-bopper-dick-sucking soundtrack.  No Nickelback.  No Creed.  No Avenged Sevenfold.  Just a nice, relatively tense score that amps up at the appropriate times.  It is really refreshing when the first thing you here isn’t some horrible band that wrote a song “inspired by” the movie you are watching.  Besides the audio and visual departments, the lighting is also superb, as many of the nighttime shots aren’t hampered by the “I can’t see what is going on, but I probably should be able to” disease.  Lastly, the gore is very nice, striking a clean balance between practical effects accentuated by some noticeable, but unobtrusive cgi work that was probably required to get the 3-D affect to the blood and flying body parts.  I said it before and I will say it again, whoever had a hand in designing some of these kills and bringing them to life, deserves some credit, because the opening scenes alone are filled with some very disturbing and visceral kills.

Young Lady, put your GODDAMN seat belt on!

The 2009 remake of MBV supassed almost all of my expectations, which is saying a lot since I am a pretty die hard fan of the original.  Besides some inconsistencies and strange directing decisions, and a third act that doesn’t quite cash-in fully of the previous two, MBV 2009 is a rock solid slasher deeply rooted in the history of the artform.  It tries some new things, but just like a good student in an interesting class, it knows when to sit down, shut the fuck up, and play by the rules of the slasher movie bestowed upon them by giants of the sub-genre like Carpenter, Miner, Cunningham, and others.  In a year that will remembered for the Friday the 13th remake/re-imagining/sequel clusterfuck, don’t sleep on My Bloody Valentine 3-D.  It is likely the most fun and genuine throwback horror experience you are likely to have in ’09.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rcoc46onlE

—————-

Now playing: Queens Of The Stone Age – Turnin’ On The Screw

via FoxyTunes

There’s a big valentine-party planned in the little coal mining town of Valentine Bluffs, Nova Scotia. It is the first Valentine’s Day party in 20 years, because then there was an accident in the mine, and the accident happened because the men responsible for the security was at the party. The sole surviving miner, named Harry Warden, later killed them, and told the town NEVER to arrange a Valentine’s Day party again. The party begins, and so does the killing…

Ronnie: Chief Newby ??!
Alex: Neil Affleck is in this movie, hopefully no relation to Ben Affleck
Alex: I thought the intarwebz weren’t invested until the 90′s? How could they have the newby jokes already
Ronnie: oh my!
Alex: oh yes, hot mining sex
Ronnie: 1min 45secs and there’s already a bra!
Alex: its a blonde, but it will do
Alex: her eye makeup looks like Hellen Keller put it on
Ronnie: she’s getting a bit too kinky with that gas mask!
Ronnie: 3mins in and already a kill. Nice
Alex: talk about a heart breaker!!!!
Alex: ahhh the loveable banter between coal mine workers
Alex: quickly followed by an unnecessary all male shower scene
Ronnie: exactly what I was thinking… in fact, I’m typing this with my eyes closed…
Alex: there was no penile exposure, just chests
Ronnie: What is this… Benny Hill??
Alex: yeah this music is really happy for a flick where most of those guys will die
Ronnie: Either that or it’s Wacky Races…
Alex: 80′s women, yes
Alex: no plastic on those specimens
Ronnie: True… them were the days…
Alex: and now, we introduce the old people
Alex: where the old women’s name is….Maple
Ronnie: with two cloned kids in the background
Alex: nothing beats denim jeans with matching denim jackets
Alex: that’s hip
Ronnie: yeah, in 1980
Alex: oh my apologies, old ladies name is Mable
Alex: so instead of being named after syrup, she’s name after floor tile
Ronnie: heart in a box. Nice
Alex: creepy bartender giving them the “warning” speech

Your all doomed! DOOMED I TELL YE!!

Alex: right on schedule
Ronnie: we’re all dooooooomed!
Ronnie: uh oh, the flashback…
Alex: nothing wrong with the flashback, especially if it comes along with some blood and/or boobies!
Ronnie: high methane levels… I think they’re talking about you Alex
Alex: yeah I know, I love my beans what can I say
Alex: whoa, the gore is starting to come hot and heavy now
Alex: in the cannon of masked killers and costumes, I gotta say a coal miners suit is pretty inventive
Ronnie: yeah, kinda creepy with the gas mask
Alex: and the light on the top will make for some misdirection scares I’m sure
Ronnie: have to say though… it’s a bit boring so far
Alex: it’s the set-up, every slasher has to pad time
Alex: i think it is about to get un-boring
Ronnie: how, in the 80′s, could they tell the sex and age just from a heart?
Ronnie: Hope so…
Alex: you know, doctors, and science, and stuff
Ronnie: hey, I was a teenager in the 80′s and there was no intarwebz for them to look that up wikipedia
Alex: rule #1 : Never try to make logical sense of a slasher film
Ronnie: yeah, like who would want to dress up a laundrette?
Alex: that’s where I throw all my parties, in the basement near the washer and drier
Alex: and we sniff laundry detergent
Ronnie: she can fair scream for an old person
Alex: yeah, poor Mable, all she wanted was to win one night at bingo
Alex: and catch reruns of Matlock
Alex: nothing gay about a bunch dudes cooking meat on a car engine in a junk yard
Ronnie: I beg to differ
Alex:
Alex: and 2 of them were playing harmonica
Ronnie: and fighting over some chick
Ronnie: that is a mighty fine moustache
Alex: yeah, you can bet that guys is gonna die horribly
Ronnie: Friday 13th
Alex: just due to the moustache
Alex: i think the movie just kinda winked at us
Alex: and gave the middle finger to my boy Jason

Madame Mabel? She's running a brothel from her laundry... disgusting!

Ronnie: Mabel is a ‘Madame’? She’s running a brothel in her laundrette?
Alex: she was kinda saucy, maybe she’s like the high priced mistress
Alex: the one who leaves scars, mental and physical
Alex: not many men can handle 64 years of sexual experience that Mabel brings to the table
Ronnie: well she’s certainly hot now!
Alex: yeah, warm to the touch!
Ronnie: Nice diversion, making us think it’s the first machine…
Alex: good place to pick a fight, in a volatile coal mine
Alex: when I have disputes over “gals”, I love to take it to environmentally hazardous areas.
Ronnie: oh, a judicial cover up!
Alex: Ronnie, what are they gonna do!!!!!!!
Alex: We are gonna have to cancel the dance!!!!! NOOOOOO!
Ronnie: kidnap!
Alex: how to handle a woman, grab her died the top of her head, and shove her into the car!
Ronnie: uh oh, retrospective romantic moment…
Alex: with equally cheesy romantic music
Alex: TJ looks like a phoenix brother
Alex: we already have Joaquin and River, maybe he can be Hilltop
Ronnie: Hilton more like…
Alex: Hilton Phoenix in, My blood Valentine 2: The Return of the Heartbreaker
Alex: creepy establishing shot of an old house, here comes the boo scare
Ronnie: piano music is a cross between Jaws and Twilight Zone
Alex: nothing wrong with ripping those off
Ronnie: Jesus, how many dozen batteries fit in that torch?!

That torch must take about a dozen batteries... look at it!

Alex: it might as well be a bo staff at that point
Ronnie: there goes their Health & Safety record…
Alex: oh its going straight down the shitter in a few moments
Ronnie: Niiiiice!
Alex: told ya this is gonna get good!
Alex: up through the chin and out the eye socket

I'm all out of witty comments in this case...

Ronnie: state of the art tape deck there…
Alex: nothing says party time like coming through a door and yelling “PARTY TIME!!!!!”
Alex: i have never seen jeans go that high up someone’s chest before
Alex: looks like a health hazard
Ronnie: he’s probably sterile because of them…
Alex: i mean, the belt can double as a bow tie
Alex: death by french frier
Ronnie: almost death by that mad rabid mutt!
Alex: for a minute I was like “do they have fucking wolves in Nova Scotia?!?!?!”
Alex: moustache man is also an excellent peer mediator
Alex: he can break up bar fights with the best of em
Ronnie: or a wrestler
Alex: ill go with wrestler
Alex: I don’t wanna see him in tights however
Alex: were they….snorting cola?
Ronnie: that chirpy cheery guy needs to get bumped off…
Alex: chirpy cheery guys always get bumped of
Alex: uh oh, pre-marital sex
Ronnie: not soon enough
Alex: holy shit, a guy who actually brought a condom
Ronnie: I think she’s practising on herself already…
Alex: that was really slick
Alex: body in the fridge
Ronnie: yeah
Alex: but no one sees it, well done
Alex: uh oh, Mary Jo Horny-Pants days are numbered
Ronnie: took her long enough to find things creepy
Ronnie: death by sweaty miner outfits
Alex: i guess for the gender that has periods, nothing is really that scary
Alex: this miner guy is pretty creative

Very inventive this miner guy...

Ronnie: yeah, definitely!
Ronnie: yes, she’s dead…
Alex: lol, regardless how long you stare at it
Alex: she is STILL dead
Alex: but then again, he could always have a go at her without having to hear the nagging
Alex: she was probably still warm
Ronnie: how does a little fat guy in a bad moustache get a hot chick??! :/
Alex: because in the 80′s, all women weren’t shallow bitches?
Ronnie: fair point!
Alex: (Erin and my mom of course excluded )
Alex: you know what else i noticed?
Ronnie: nice disclaimer… bit late, but nice…
Alex: no black people in Nova Scotia
Alex: usually you get the black guy dies first rule
Ronnie: true
Alex: i am becoming slowly enamoured with the moustache guy
Alex: which means any second now, he will get decapitated or some shit

the man, the moustache, the chick...

Ronnie: because he brings hope to people like us?
Alex: absolutely
Ronnie: and, yeah, he probably will
Alex: and his vest/shirt combo is really sharp!
Ronnie: ten minutes? That long?
Alex: they are gonna meet their friend in “10 minutes at the MAIN SHAFT”
Ronnie: SHE’s about to meet his main shaft in less than ten
Alex: damn, you took the words right outta my mouth
Alex: Nova Scotia is full of pretty girls though
Ronnie: seems so…
Ronnie: and thus, the two love rivals bond
Alex: rampant homo-eroticism
Alex: thanks 1980′s :gives big thumbs up to computer screen!:
Ronnie: indeed, considering they are both going down a big shaft
Alex: two girls alone in the dark, that scene shoulda been MUCH better
Ronnie: it’s not a pr0n film!
Alex: this movie is begging for a porn to be named after it
Alex: “Hey sweetheart, wanna see my mining shaft?”
Alex: “Lemme see where you hide your coal!!!!”
Ronnie: Did he just touch that other guys ass?

Did moustachio-man REALLY need to put his hands there...?

Alex: i think it was more of a grope
Alex: there’s a guy who actually has his last name on the back of his jacket
Alex: where the fuck are these kids parents, by the way?
Ronnie: Its in case he gets lost
Alex: its a town with 20-something’s, a launderette, a mining thingy, and a cop.
Ronnie: could he undo any more buttons on his outfit to reveal more of his chest?
Alex: he might as well just take it off
Alex: its hardly doing him any good
Alex: talk about getting drilled
Ronnie: I didn’t even see the drill until you mentioned it. Possibly a bit TOO subtle
Ronnie: nail-gun torture!
Alex: yeah the drill was a bit hidden
Alex: fucking MPAA always ruining our fun
Alex: wow that boo scare got me
Alex: and i knew it was coming
Ronnie: pull the nails out!
Alex: im pretty sure Hollis is a goner
Alex: R.I.P. moustache man
Ronnie: yes, it was a fine moustache that you carried…
Ronnie: yay! Bitch slapping!
Alex: quickly followed by a ….hug?
Ronnie: yeah, it’s woman to woman
Alex: bad time for an embrace
Ronnie: wait, that would probably happen if it was man to woman too… hmm…
Alex: this chick in the red is about as useful as a third nipple
Ronnie: yeah, and she promised – at the start of the film – that she’d be in a kinky dress, and she’s not! I’m disappointed…
Alex: yeah, i had forgotten about her promise of a slutty revealing dress
Alex: colour me saddened
Ronnie: I never forget such things…
Alex: i see ZERO cleavage
Ronnie: Hey, the films almost done and there’s been NO boobies! I’m deducting points for that…
Ronnie: AND that scene there should have been an upskirt shot…
Alex: now your just getting greedy
Alex: but i agree
Alex: not even a boob flash
Alex: im sur the remake rectified that problem
Ronnie: but probably introduced other problems…
Alex: you’ll know very soon, it is next on my plate to review
Ronnie: Nice!
Alex: OHHHH MAN, noose kill with the neck snap decapitation
Alex: brutal
Ronnie: (the hanging scene, not your next review)
Alex: they weren’t screwing around when they said uncut
Ronnie: Thigh! I saw thight there!
Alex: me too!, quick take a snapshot
Ronnie: Oh I will…

What makes this kill so good? The fact that his head rips off, that's what!

Alex: i will blow it up and put it on my wall
Ronnie: At some point I’ll also review the remake, but I want to see the 3D version
Alex: agreed, i found my 3D glasses
Ronnie: nice!
Alex: oh yeah, boobies and blood…….in 3===D
Ronnie: I have a pair in my Nightmare on Elm Street box set, hope it’s the right kind…
Alex: and i wonder why i am single
Alex: have they changed how 3D since, like, Jaws 3D?
Alex: I hope not
Ronnie: I think so, yeah.
Ronnie: Just that some glasses use blue, some green (with the red)
Alex: well fuck me sideways with a lunch box
Ronnie: I’d rather not
Alex: well back to the plight of Sarah and Patty, the tramp who lied about her dress
Alex: and just received a pick-axe in the gut
Ronnie: In return for no slutty dress, she’s gets the axe!
Ronnie: ha ha! I made a funny!
Alex: yeah, filthy liar
Alex: and your shitty dress
Alex: it always important to become a crying, crumpled mess when faced with a deranged serial killer
Ronnie: oh… well that’s a crushing blow. I had that kid as being the serial killer….
Alex: Indiana Jones rail car scene!!!
Alex: except no short round
Ronnie: what a girly fight…
Alex: its cold down there, and even the killer must be tired
Alex: he has had a long night
Ronnie: Ooooohhhh!!
Alex: TOLD YOU THIS MOVIE WAS AWESOME
Alex: we can’t ruin it
Alex: for the good folk who haven’t yet seen it
Ronnie: erm… that kinda spoiled it
Alex: just remove it from the final thing we post
Alex: but I love that twist
Ronnie: twist was good, I agree.
Alex: and uncut, the kills make much more sense, a lot more brutal
Ronnie: yeah, I can see why it caused controversy in the 80′s
Alex: so in a weird way, we have to thank the remake
Alex: because the remake made them release the original uncut
Ronnie: I dunno if I want to thank the remake… not yet…
Alex: i’ve got a good feeling
Ronnie: but it was good, I liked it…
Alex: I’m glad, it is definitely one of my favourite old school American slasher flicks
Ronnie: and what will Sir be rating it as?
Alex: I am torn between 3.5 and 4
Alex: i will go 3.5
Alex: only because the pacing doesn’t hold up quite as nicely as it did the first time I saw it
Ronnie: As am I – 3.5
Alex: but once things get moving, it becomes very solid
Ronnie: if there hadn’t been so much lovey dovey stuff, and a few boring bits, it’d have been a 4. If they’d cut all that out and put in boobs, it would have been 4.5
Alex: they should make a slasher that is just boobs and kills
Alex: and like 3 lines of dialogue
Alex: the 3 lines being “NOOOOOOOO”, “AHHHHHHH” and “NOOOOO” again
Ronnie: ahhh…. the perfect film…
Alex: we can dream
Ronnie: some day, someone will get it right…
Alex: Hatchet came damn close
Alex: if you haven’t seen that, download it now
Ronnie: Hatchet was pretty good, shame the creature was a bit crazy looking…
Alex: I loved it
Alex: the creature was both laughable and kinda menacing
Alex: which is exactly the balance of fun and grotesque i eat up
Ronnie: it was part hunchback, part Iron Maiden mascot (Eddie)
Alex: …..and that’s fucking awesome!
Alex: plus it was Kane Hodder in the suit
Alex: and Kane Hodder is the man
Ronnie: kinda… preferred Eddie when he was the Somewhere in Time robot
Ronnie: the man with ‘KILL’ tattoo’d on his inner bottom lip…
Alex: Kane Hodder?
Ronnie: yeah
Alex: does he really?
Alex: I had no idea

See? Told you Kane Hodder has 'KILL!' on his bottom lip!

Ronnie Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Alex Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars