The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

OK, by rights this is a ridiculous idea that should have me turning off my TV. But I’m the curious sort, and I do like anything non-Hollywood.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence, no less!) is from the Netherlands. But, the main character is German. The two girls are American. And the other guy is Japanese. So, you can’t say there’s no global appeal there…

The basic plot is of a mad German doctor/surgeon who is an expert with siamese twins, problem is… he’s flipped his lid and wants to take ordinary people and make them siamese, well three of them… to a centipede.

First things first, the German doctor/surgeon is as mad as a box of frogs and is brilliantly played by Dieter Laser. He IS your stereotypical mad Nazi surgeon, right down to the whip and jackboots, seriously. The victims do their jobs quite well considering that for most of the film the two girls mumble. Well, you would too if your mouth was stapled to someone’s ass.

You see, our mad German friend has already practiced on his own three rottweiler dogs and now wants to up the ante to humans. He abducts a truck driver, doesn’t think he’s suitable so bumps him off and buries him in the garden. Two dippy American chicks get lost while on holiday in the Fatherland and turn up the Dr’s house. After feeding them Alex’s secret potion, sorry I mean: Rohypnol, they are tied to beds. The good Dr acquires a new chap and he’s (luckily?) chosen to be the front of the centipede. So, as they lie there, tied to beds, the doctor does a fine slide presentation to them about how they’ll be joined from ass to mouth and when A is fed, the food will pass… well, I’m sure you can guess the rest.

The good Doctor and his human centipede. In this scene, he's going to teach the centipede to fetch his newspaper and bring it to him. No, seriously, he is... I'm not making it up, I SWEAR!

We really don’t see much in the way of gore in the film, but we do see the ‘subjects’ being prepared then as the centipede. But there are some sick SICK scenes in the movie.

Here he squeezes some puss from the facial wound of subject C - from this he determines that she is sick. NO SHIT Hitler!

In the snippet above, the Dr squeezes puss from the last persons wound, gives it a sniff, and determines that she is, in fact, sick. Possibly dying. Seeing puss squeezed from a stapled up wound even made me cringe. Eugh!

The scene where the guy in front decides he needs to take a dump is… well, psychological to the viewer. While the good Doctor dances with great glee at one section ‘feeding’ the other. Bizarre to say the least.

The special effects are basic, some face pieces to make it look like they’re stitched together, but most of the doctors handiwork is hidden by bandages. Probably for the best.

I really didn’t expect much from this film, but it delivered in spades. It’s a VERY dark horror comedy, with the comedy being provided by the comments made by the mad German doctor. We find them funny, but he’s quite serious about things.

If you want a film that’ll make you say ‘what the…’ several times, then this is the one. Definitely one I’d show to someone just to hear their comments on it.

Oh, and (according to IMDb) there will be a Human Centipede (Full Sequence) in 2011. I’m not sure how they’ll work it, but I’ll certainly be looking out for it!

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

Tantei Monogatari (2007) aka: Detective Story

As soon as I see Takashi Miike on something I know that it’ll be a wild ride, and to expect something that will encompass the  weird and bizarre,  have horror and gore, yet also be thought provoking and funny. Something no other director can do, especially not in Hollywood!

Tantei Monogatari (aka: Detective Story) starts with a crazy artist painting with ground up body parts. Then we cut to some perv (with far too many video cameras!) who’s pretty much jacking off to photo’s of a girl he’s been stalking. And that’s all within the first five minutes! Then we’re introduced to our two main characters, both named Raita, opposites of each other. Raita the office worker and computer specialist is the well dressed gentleman. Raita the private dick is the scruffy, slightly mad, and persuasive of the two. Raita the private dick introduces himself to Raita the businessman as they are now neighbours. No sooner has the introduction finished than Raita the private dick is in his neighbours house with a bottle of booze and just sitting there acting weird, while the gentleman Raita sits and puts up with it… for hours. Manami appears at the private dicks door looking for help, Raita turns her away and off she goes. Next morning she’s found dead with an item of Raita’s beside her. And so it goes on that more girls are found dead with items of Raita’s beside them, so obviously Raita is being framed for the deaths.

Along the way Raita (detective) consults a former killer for advice, I’m glad they explained that bit quickly as otherwise I’d have thought I was suddenly watching a different film:

No, he's not a gimp!

It sounds like your average Dick Van Dyke afternoon crime stuff, but it’s very well done with an excellent twist at the end. The two Raita’s are excellent, especially detective Raita, he’s hilarious. Action is pretty much non-existant, apart from the odd (on foot) chase here and there, but there is gore, and that’s the main thing. The hanging discovery isn’t much, the toilet discovery is pretty gory (see below and in the clip at the bottom of this page) and Raita’s big fight near the end has plenty of purposely funny gore, which only Miike can really do properly.

One strange thing though… the subtitled DVD (*ahem* rip) that I watched had some gore blurred out. I’m not sure if that was intentional (expect the unexpected with Miike!), or only blurred out in the US/UK/Japanese release, but it only happened about twice in the whole film, so it’s no big deal, but it did catch me off guard.

The gore blurring - it's more noticable on my TV than on computer

Another cracking Miike film I say. It’s not Ichi the Killer and it’s not too surreal (*cough* Visitor Q) but in that middle ground where it has a bit of everything. Hurrah for Miike!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Scene – this is where timid Raita is trying to get into the knickers of detective Raita’s assistant:

Drag Me To Hell

I was dubious of watching this as Mr Raimi is, of course, now a big Hollywood director. Gone are the days of shoestring budgets and cheap makeup for his films. Can he still make a good horror film without the Hollywood pizazz? Read on…

The film starts with a young boy, who is sick, being brought to a woman’s house. The concerned woman wants to know what the boy has been up to and is then told that he’d stolen a gypsy’s neckless, but tried to give it back, but in vain. In other words: he’s fucked. Gypsy curse. Then we meet Christine Brown (Lohman) trying to get promoted to Assistant Manager in her banking job. Along comes an old woman looking to get her mortgage payments fixed up.

She's an old psycho bitch! Run away!!!

Christine takes a firm stance, to show her boss who she really is (and to get the promotion) and in the end gets mugged and cursed. So now she’s fucked, and has three days until the devil comes looking for her soul.

That’s about the first 30mins of the movie. The rest of the movie is her first few days as a cursee and then trying to remove the curse.

Let’s get to what matters: is there gore?

What is this? Sam & Jerry?

Yes indeed there is. Some good gore (eye poppings, cat vomit (not what you think) and such-like) and some very gross scenes (juice of dead body anyone?). So I can recommend it for those alone. Is it scary? Actually, yes it is. In good, old, Raimi style most of it is simply playing on what you can’t truly see. Shadows creeping up stairs, curtains rustling. All those things that made you poop your pants and wet the bed as a kid. What do you mean you still wet the bed? Ewwww!

*deep voice* attack of the rabid goat... part three...

And story? Is there story? Yes, I’m afraid there is story, but it’s all curse/devil based, so that’s good. There’s pretty much everything you’d want in a horror film. It’s not perfect, far from it, the one thing that lets the movie down is the use of CGI where good ol’ latex would have sufficed. Hollywood, please get over CGI and return to rubber, I think you’ll find it’s a damn sight cheaper. Credit crunch, and all that jazz.

All in all, I recommend this new horror flick for you sick folks. I’m sure you’ll all love the ending…

Show Spoiler ▼

The goat doesn’t actually have rabies, I made that bit up…

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

PS: do NOT read the IMDb plot as it will completely spoil the movie for you. IMDb suck sacrificial goat dick…

Camilla Fields, 26, of Memphis is charged with both child abuse and assault, The (Memphis) Commercial Appeal reported. Police say Fields, who was holding the 2-month-old boy in a car seat, swung it at a Wal-Mart security guard last Wednesday.

The boy’s mother, Stacey Cleaves, 26, was outside the store during the incident, police said. She allegedly provided false information about Fields and is charged with false reporting and child neglect.

Investigators say Fields took the baby into a bathroom and pretended to change his diaper, actually concealing stolen items.

When she hit the guard with the car seat, it fell, landing with the baby’s face down. She picked it up and ran off, pushing it at the guard.

The boy fell from the seat. Fields drove off, leaving the unconscious baby behind, police said.

The baby was revived by an EMT and a passerby, and taken to a hospital. He was not seriously injured police said.

Cleaves allegedly told police Fields was the boy’s aunt and that her name was Darrin.

—-

Maybe not physically injured, but I bet it’s mentally injured! It’ll probably never be able to shop again!

Çilgin kiz ve üç süper adam (aka: 3 Supermen and Mad Girl)

Normally, I would start my review with some pithy comments and an IMDb synopsis. Unfortunately, this movie is so rare (read: barking mad) that IMDb has literally nothing on it, and it took me some leet Google-ninja skills just to get the poster (left)!

Before I get in to the review I have to preface it with this: this movie is old, probably ripped from an old billionth generation VHS tape, in Turkish and (as if that’s not bad enough) has no subtitles/English what so ever. So without further ado, here’s what myself (Ronnie), Alex, and Erin could decypher from the film.

In a deep underground cave, some fit chick in a skimpy red outfit (and wearing Elton John’s reject glasses) is plotting some evil deeds.

Mad Girl - in her mad outfit, mad glasses and mad technology

Her boss seems to be some guy who’s wearing a two dollar mask and sits on his fat ass for the whole film, he’s maybe a cripple, but I can’t prove that.

Satan, 666 - I think that's what his mask cost him, $6.66

Their minions seem to be KKK Klansmen, but in green:

The henchmen - no seriously, it is!

… and their ultimate weapon seems to be a robot made out of cardboard boxes sprayed with silver paint:

ILM - eat your heart out...

We are then introduced to the first of the supermen, lying on a boat, surrounded by chicks while Tom Jones is playing in the background. Enter the other two goons supermen, the three of them dress up in red costumes (with black capes), branded with an ‘S’, and the tight outfits apparently make them bullet-proof.

The 3 'Supermen' - I use the term 'supermen' VERY loosely!

Our heroes then head off to a sleazy bar in their beetle. Fly? Heavens no. Why fly when they have their ‘Beetle Of Justice’ (™, Alex). Their car journey is accompanied by some fine circa 1970 organ music. Beautiful. After bitch-slapping one girl several times, she is shot by a henchman which causes an epic battle on a rooftop. Which seems to be about an envelope (or something).

One superman rescues a chick from a car (for reasons unknown) and she’s smitten by the Beetle Of Justice:

Behold! The Beetle Of Justice! *fanfare*

After another epic battle, one of the supermen is captured, put on a table and spun several times. As Erin said: obviously dizziness is his Kryponite.

One of several super-taint shots...

He is, eventually, rescued by the other supermen where we were so close to getting a good nudie scene, except for one little green fucker who interrupts. He deserves to die 1,000 deaths.

I hope that little green guy dies, he spoiled the potential nude scene. Bastard!

After the (near)naked chick is captured, our heroes (again) spring in to action in their hot-rod:

The Supermen to the (somewhat slow) rescue!

They are again in a scuffle, this time in a large expanse of grassy area. Obviously the sun must have been out that day as the entire screen is white and we can hardly see a damn thing.

The kidnapped chick is now tied up in Mad Girls underground lair. Kinky! After which we FINALLY, after fifty minutes of this nonsense, get to see some boobage:

Are they allowed to show boobs in Turkey?

After the supermen crash their entirely uneventful orgy of nothingness, Mad Girl is nearly captured! Gasp! But she manages to escape back to $2-mask-Satan. But unfortunately, for one of the supermen, the cardboard robot is set free! But fear not, it is disabled as Mad Girl heads back to her (kinky) dungeon to try and strangle the kidnapped chick with a large piece of chain. But the supermen crash this party too and save the day. Not only that, but someone finally phones the cops. They have police in Turkey? Well I’ll be…

But the evil protagonist isn’t done yet, he still has the all powerful robot of doom!

The evil robot, dubbed 'drill-do' by Alex

The movie finishes with the cops closing in on Mad Girl where she, and the evil old guy (whoever he is) are arrested.

Your nicked!

And so, the reign of Mad Girl (and Old Guy) has come to an end. But since it’s Turkey, I’m sure they’ll probably bribe their way out of prison to terrorise the 3 Supermen once again.

I just want to add that if you, the reader, think I’ve embelished the plot with superflous details to make it sound funny, I have NOT! All the stuff about them not flying, driving around, several superman taint shots (noticed by Erin I may add), making them dizzy… it’s all there! Honest! And when I say it was a billionth generation VHS, I’m not kidding:

This happened a few times throughout the film...

I have to say, this film was a barrell of laughs. So bad it was hilarious. It seems to be so obscure that clips of it aren’t even on YouTube. I’ll maybe put up one or two later.

The all important ratings:

Ronnies Rating: 5 out of 5 stars = 14 out of 5 (just to three-up Alex)

Erins Rating: 5 out of 5 stars = 8 out of 5

Alexs Rating: 5 out of 5 stars = 11 out of 5

UPDATE: don’t say we’re not good to you readers. I personally uploaded the first ten minutes of this superhero madness to YouTube, just for you. Yes, you. You personally!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziRJOICt8Mw

Marnie Pearce, 40, had separated from her Egyptian husband Ihab El-Labban when he burst into her Dubai home and found her drinking tea with another man.

Mr El-Labban now has custody of their two children – Ziad, 4, and Laith, 7 – and former classroom assistant Ms Pearce fears she may never see them again because she will be deported as soon as she is released.

Amnesty International says Ms Pearce, who has lived in Dubai for 15 years, is “a prisoner of conscience”.

Mr El-Labban made the claim of adultery – which is a crime in the strict Muslim country – during a custody battle over the boys.

Ms Pearce, who denies a physical relationship with the man, went on the run with the boys but eventually gave herself up and handed the sobbing children over before her case was heard and she was sentenced.

Dr. Panayiotis Zavos - a REAL mad scientist! Yay!

(ABC News) A controversial fertility doctor claims to have cloned human embryos and implanted them into four women’s wombs. And while none of 11 embryos he claims to have cloned resulted in a viable pregnancy, Dr. Panayiotis Zavos said he’ll continue trying to clone a human embryo.

“We managed to write chapter one. Chapter two, we will have a child a parent can take home and raise as a cloned child,” Zavos said.

His hope is that the birth of the first human clone is just a few years away.

On the Brink of Cloning Humans?

Zavos story may sound like a science fiction tale, but he claims it’s all true. Zavos said he cloned 14 embryos, but only implanted 11. The procedures were recorded for a documentary that aired Wednesday on the Discovery Channel in Britain.

Scientists have cloned human embryos in test tubes in order to harvest stem cells, but Zavos has done what is considered taboo — actually implanting the embryos.

Both the pope and President Obama have denounced human cloning.

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Like anyone gives a rats ass if the pope and Obama are against it? The only reason I’m for human cloning is that I want to see some mutant kids.