Saw VII (Saw 3D, 2010)

Saw VII (I refuse to acknowledge this 3D nonsense) is (allegedly!) the last in the Saw series.

I’ve been following Saw since those tantalizing previews of Saw hit the Interwebz, showing Amanda in the reverse bear trap (RBT) mask. So, seven years have passed, the story has spanned six previous films and this, the seventh, promises to wrap it all up. We’ll see…

Jigsaw (John) is long gone, he died a couple of movies ago, but his legacy has lived on in former (?) cop, Hoffman. But Jigsaw’s wife (Jill) knows more than she’s letting on and Hoffman needs to be rid of her. In Saw VII, Hoffman is out to take Jill out. But this is the last Saw movie, so what will happen to Hoffman? This is a spoiler free review, so you’ll have to watch the movie to find out.

There are more traps in Saw VII than in any other Saw film, more gore too if I’m not mistaken. One particular (car) trap springs to mind. A man is glued (literally!) to the drivers seat, the car is up on jacks and under the rear wheel is a womans head, she’s strapped to the floor. Behind the car is a second man, he’s all strapped up too. And, last but not least, in front of the car is another man. I shant tell you the outcome, but oh, there will be gore.

If, like me, you’ve been a slave to the Saw story then you’ll know what the expected outcome of Saw VII will be, considering that Dr. Gordon makes a rare appearance. No, he’s not been behind it all! I’d hoped they’d pull a rabbit out of the hat and have a more unexpected ending, but at least it confirms/denies much of the speculation that’s been ongoing now for several years, but it’s good to bring it all to an end.

There was a lot of blood, plenty of scenes to make you winch, and a ton of gore, so I’d say it’s gone out with a bang.

So… when’s that prequel getting made?

I’m kidding, I’m kidding!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

The tag line you don't see on this dvd cover is "Everybody Fights", which is one of my favorite tag lines of all time.

Junk has one the most most memorable tag lines I have ever seen, which is “Everybody Fights.”  It’s simple, to the point, and sums up everything this gem is all about.  Junk tells the story of a military experiment to raise humans from the dead with a neon green serum called DNX, which of course was “terminated” due to subjects being resurrected in the form of flesh hungry monsters we affectionately know as zombies.  After the research is “stopped”, the United States military, operating from a base in Japan, moves the science project to a restricted and abandoned building in the middle of Japans countryside.  When some shoddy jewel thieves decide to use the same building as a meeting point for an exchange of some recently stolen goods with a Yakuza gang, things become quite hectic when the dead harbored there accidentally get exposed to some remaining DNX.  What follows is 90 minutes of pure fun full of references to zombie film royalty such as Zombi 2, Re-Animator, Evil Dead, and The Beyond.

Not at all stolen from Re-animator. Nope, not one bit.

From the word “Go”, Junk slaps us silly with an abundance of cheese, so much so you’ll probably want to pour a glass of wine to go with your viewing experience.  It starts with a naked chick (I assure you, the breasts are impressive) being injected with DNX (pictured above), which initially proves to be successful.  That is until, the chick kills the doctor and his assistant.  We are then introduced to our bands of thieves, who have names like Akira and Jun.  Whoever wrote this must of really liked Anime, video games, or possibility both.  After a botched smash and grab job in a fancy jewelery store, our thieves contact some shady Yakuza types, let by a guy named Romero (Gee, I wonder where they got that name from).  Within that surly bunch is an Asian dude with red hair.  I’m serious, I can’t make this shit up. I’m going to go ahead and assume that it isn’t his real hair colour.  The cast of characters are brilliantly brought to life with the standard “larger than life” personalities we have come to love and expect in any Asian crime flick.  For whatever reason, the oriental theater of film has a way of making even the most sleazy and paper thin of characters at least distinguishable if not downright memorable, and Junk is no exception.  Think of everyone playing their roles, but then doing caricatures of those roles.

Loreal for men. Nothing says "scumbag Yakuza" like a shitty dye job.

Aside from the fun and lovable characters, Junk propels itself forward into legendary status with a blitzkrieg pace that only increases as the flick chugs along.  It does so by increasing the number of zombies, and keeping the body count blissfully high.  To go along with the ever rising death toll, we are treated to some of the finest examples of old school prosthetic gore seen outside of the spaghetti horror film craze of Europe in the 70′s and 80′s.  We’re talking mammoth squibs, exploding heads, blood spraying out of wounds like fountains and geysers, and hordes gnarly, decaying, lumbering, and gut munching undead.  Junk wears its heart right on its sleeve, not for a moment denying the movies that have preceded it and provided a source for inspiration.  I commend this kind of worship, instead of passing itself off as some kind of new breed of zombie films, it merely takes what the Japanese already do well (in this case, feverishly fast paced and violent crime dramas) and combines it with the lore and novelty of scientifically created zombies.  Besides the absolutely sublime film Versus (actually the first review I ever wrote for this here blog), Junk is the only film I have seen that fuses together the best of what John Woo has to offer in terms of electrifying action with the campy fun that horror has so geniusly made its own.

Aim for the head.

The sound and visuals all reek of cheddar, with some seemingly intentional low-fi quality to the picture quality, and a soundtrack that borrows just as heavily from the techno thumping made popular by films like The Matrix as it does from the Goblin and Tangerine Dream soundtracks of yesteryear that provided and eerie warmth to classics of the horror genre.  It is also abundantly clear that this was made on a moderate budget, and maybe even a shoe string one.  With that in mind, the a sheer amount of on screen chaos becomes even more impressive and a careful eye can see how clever use of quick cuts and editing makes what must have been a small squad of extras come across as a shuffling army of cannibalistic death.  Gunshots and dialogue are all clear as day, even though you’ll spend a bulk of your time reading the subtitles as I have yet to encounter a DVD with dubbing, and don’t really want to.  In short, even its technical aspects sound and look like a love letter to the days where light hearted horror carried just as much as water as the heavier, more psychologically scorching material.

Sexy.

I’ve seen Junk about 5 times now, and have to say that each and every time, it has wowed and entertained me on a level few films ever have.  It’s fun for the sake of fun, it never takes itself too seriously, and it slams its foot down on the accelerator and assumes that you can keep up.  I like moving, heady, and deep films just as much as the next guy, but there is something to be said for slabs of cinema that don’t try to tug on your heartstrings, or scare the living daylights out of you, but instead warm your innards with the joyous beams of light that only a tale of silly Japanese mafia types vs. the recently resurrected can bring.  Junk is a masterpiece of carefree supernatural shoot em ups, a film that you can laugh at and with, and seems to wink right back at you and confirm your suspicions with a giant, shit-eating grin.  Junk is built for speed AND pleasure, and is just begging for you to take her for a ride.  Five out of five stars.

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

TOAST IS DONE! Oh wait, that is just that dudes brains...nevermind.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=9I5D6WlFDEA

That whole cover just oozes toughness.

While we all have favorites movies, any serious movie goer also has a small pantheon built in their minds that contain movies that are not only great, or even brilliant, but instead are transcendent and sublime.  They are the kind of films that make you feel at home inside the deepest darkest reaches of your movie-loving soul.  It pin-points and annihilates preconceived notions that can sometimes make  die hard film buffs wonder if they will ever see a movie that will nail all their personal cinematic desires and fantasies, in only within a certain style of film.

For me personally, I’ve always been extremely partial to a well made action film.  My first real true love in movies was the directing of John Woo.  I was getting to that age right before my teenage years were I had seen enough movies to start to identify what it is I truly like about them.  I found out that I liked furiously paced, relentless action flicks, that feature progressive gun play and/or martial arts alongside such themes as honor, chivalry, and an almost romantic relationship with fate and the violence itself.  Naturally, this lead to people like John Woo, Takashi Miike, Ryuhei Kitamura, Ringo Lam and others, but not until recently had I heard about Eastern Condors, which had a strong reputation for validating Sammo Hung as director, actor, and martial arts star.  Or, at least that is what I got out of the geyser of compliments this film receives online in the circles I travel.  Now having seen it, I can understand why so many people feel that way.

Eastern Condors, where oh where have you been all my life?

The plot, which is the first thing shown and explained in the film, is actually quite solid.  In fact, it’s downright interesting, since some online research by me after watching it shows that there is some fairly solid evidence that missions like this have a historical precedent, albeit a somewhat controversial one.

“A motley group of Asian prisoners held in the US are given one chance for freedom. They are to go deep into Vietnam and destroy a secret depot of missiles that the US left behind during the pull-out. The group, led by Lt. Lam and convict Tung, hook up with a trio of female freedom fighters and a happy go lucky martial artist named ‘Rat’. The entire group is captured by the VC because one of them is a double agent, but they escape, cross an un-crossable bridge, and get to the secret base just ahead of the VC. By this point nearly all of the original group is dead, and it’s up to Tung and Rat to fight the VC’s leader, a bizarre giggling man who’s lightning fast with martial arts. Written by Scott Hamilton {stomptokyo@aol.com}”

Needless to say Eastern Condors is a movie that has a lot going on, especially when you see how many characters this movie handles.  The story is very practical as well, because it allows history to be a base for credulity, while letting common knowledge about Vietnam and the atrocities committed there give the audience a good reason not to be too disgusted when Sammo Hung and company start dropping the hurt on the unsuspecting Vietcong soldiers in brutal, yet stylish, fashion.  There is also some slight heartstring pulling towards a few of the “convicts” that are featured, driven by their reasons why they would be willing to go on a suicide mission just for a shot at freedom.  Sammo Hungs’ directing allows the proper set up time for some of these characters and their sordid history and motivations, and then delivers the payoff for each, blending dark humor, fate, redemption and other qualities into almost all of his characters.  Some do get a little lost in the shuffle, but for the most part every plot and subplot is given ample time to become an integral part of the whole experience, instead of just being filler to pad time up to 90 minutes or so.

He kicked him so hard he knocked the sweat off that soldiers face.

To go along with the sound plot, we are also treated to some above-average acting.  The main reason I can’t elaborate more on it was because much of the heavy duty acting stuff this cast did was being done during major action scenes or in small breaks between confrontations, meaning that I was of course biased to be enjoying the chit chat between members of the good guy team while they shot, kicked, ninja’d, and blew away anything in there path.  And really, the action is the main course, so lets move on to examining what makes this particular films combination of roundhouse ricks and bullets so damn exhiliarating.

While John Woo maybe the master of blissful bullet ballets, and Jet Li, Jackie Chan and Tony Jaa may have set the bar impossibly high for physical, hand to hand combat and evasion, Sammo Hung seems only interested in combining these elements seemlessly, while keeping both methods of combat wildly entertaining and fairly logical.  This is where the ever important job of pacing comes to the forefront.  Sammo’s directing shows great patience, as the movie doesn’t even start with an action scene, but instead builds almost all of the important plot points up, so we don’t have to deal with buzz-killing exposition later on when we should be watching high flying action.  His pacing rewards the viewer later on when scenes of great intensity are strung together beautifully, leaving little room for taking a breath before the next onslaught or obstacle.  The action is well choreographed, and has a particularly visceral feel, as stuntmen take devastating looking tumbles after being kicked or thrown, strikes land with almost disturbingly realistic results to the adversary, and our heroes take no prisoners and don’t show many signs of that disingenious “mercy” modern day action flicks seem to be overly obsessed with.  It shows great emotion when dealing with certain subjects, like the torture of prinsoners by the vietcong, but it stays true to the logic of “if someone has a gun and is ready to kill you, you should always try to kill them first.”  In other words, it lets the action be the action, and lets the messages be the messages.

Not only a great action flick, Eastern Condors show brief glimpes of the reality of military corruption in 'Nam.

Besides awesome action, solid acting and a sturdy plot, the last thing I noticed, and maybe the thing I was most impressed by, was that Eastern Condors has sprinkled in, very respectfully I might add, some messages about the deteriorating conditions by which not only Vietnam, but much of the world is succumbing too.  Humanity can be encapsulated by the picture above, a snapshot taken from Eastern Condors, of a small boy playing Russian Roulette with a prisoner.  What you can’t see is that there is another boy who is taking turns firing a revolver with one bullet in it at the prisoners head, while the men around are cheering them on and I think even taking bets on which child will be the “winner.”  I won’t prance around thinking I know what Sammo Hung was trying to say exactly with scenes like this, but I think he may be trying to show some humanity, but showing the direct opposite of it.  He may be trying to say that even from birth, children can be brought up to be desensitized hate machines, and that even our enemies may deserve a sliver of our compassion and understanding, considering their history and lack of options during their youth when they are most impressionable.  Never the less, it’s a tasteful and sobering few moments that make Eastern Condors all the more unique and relevant.

The big bad guy who just so happens to be an insanely acrobatic martial artist. Go ahead, call him a sissy. He would kick you in the head 3 times before you even see his legs move.

All of this comes together to create a cozy, in not a little jarring, lost gem that has the substance and the style to stand up to even modern day action flicks, especially when you take into account there was no such thing as complex wire-work, rigging and cgi back in 1987.  Back then, chances were if something exploded on screen, it was also w blown up when they filmed it.  And that really is right in my wheelhouse.  It’s assuring to know movies like this exist, because they are like a warm blanket on a cold day.  There’s nothing quite like a damn fine action flick, and Eastern Condors delivers both the “damn” and the “fine” in spades.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

P.S.  This movie is uploaded on youtube.  Here is part 1, but you can find the whole thing broken down into about 12, 10 minute parts.  Don’t forget to hit the “HQ” to get near dvd quality video!!!!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJpQVee3GDo

You know a movie means business when it uses crosshairs in the title.

Sparrow Unit is a one of those flicks I never would of found had it not been for the passionate and devoted fans of trashy cinema that populate the deepest, darkest corners of the Internet.  It barely has an imdb page, there are no pictures, trailers or clips from it anywhere on the ‘net, yet despite total anonymity, it seems to travel the proper circles through the reputation it has among those who have been fortunate enough to have seen it.  What is that reputation you may ask?  Well imagine if John woo moved to the Philippines, and made a furiously paced, but grittier ultra violent action movie about rebels performing a seemingly endless sequence of hits upon mostly unsuspecting, but supposedly “corrupt” military and police personnel.  If you don’t already have a boner, now would be a good time to get one.

Sparrow Unit’s plot is relatively insignificant in the long haul, but does enough reason, just enough that is, to shrug off the fact that about every 6 1/2 seconds, someone is being riddled with lead.  The story follows a group of  “Sparrows”, which is the authorities cute little nickname for rebels-ish people who lives in the mountains, and come down to mainland Philippines in order to assassinate high ranking officials in order to expedite a coup.  Their reasoning is simply that the “powers that be” are hellishly corrupted, a motivation which one of our crew of Sparrows will question later in the movie, naturally.  So with that little tidbit out of the way, Sparrow Unit sets out to actually be more frenetically paced and show more on screen deaths than a Ringo Lam, John Woo, and Michael Bay movie combined.  Ok, so it’s not that many, but since watching this movie consisted of little more than enjoying terrific shootouts and chase scenes, I’ decided to count along with the kills, and I lost count somewhere in the very high 90′s, due to the fact that I couldn’t clearly see how many people died in a particular boat explosion.  Make no doubt about folks, even though this movie seems to try and be sending a message about rebellion and authority, it makes no bones about what the first priority is, which is killing every extra that was paid for at least 23 times.

Oh fuck guys, its the late 80's. Grenade from Army Surplus store. T-shirt and matching denim jacket and jeans supplied by OshKosh B'gosh.

The acting, from what I can tell, seems pretty competent, but again, it is incredibly hard to really invest a ton of emotion into these characters, since they are all so cookie cutter (in that awesome kinda group of assassins 80′s way) and predictable.  You have your hard-headed die-hard leader, willing to sacrifice anything to achieve his mission.  The partner/friend to the leader guy who ends up questioning his own motivation and whether or not he even believes in what he is doing anymore.  The rest of the crew is filled out by the expendables, who are given small traits like enjoying food or maybe being a little funny at inappropriate times.  There is of course a girl, who of course is hot for hard-headed leader guy, and the have sex.  It’s probably the worst love scene ever filmed, includes no nudity, and is awkward as all get out to watch.  But, it’s the 80′s and goddammit were gonna have a love scene edited together and intertwined with some heroes dying, because goddammit, it’s the 80′s!!!  Did I mention this movie reeks of the 80′s?

They kill a guy with a speargun, which was totally unnecessary since th assassin had a gun with him at the time. But the speargun was a million times more badass.

There really isn’t much more I can say here other than if your an action buff who thinks they have seen everything, chances are you haven’t seen this.  It’s budget seem fairly modest, but damn do they make every penny count.  The death toll is hovering around triple digits, the action is so relentless there were times where I would walk away from my computer to grab a drink, keeping my eyes on the screen, only to be caught off guard by the sound of gunfire, and have to race back to my seat in order to see what happened.  It has a somewhat twisted playful vibe to it to, and even though there are several “downer” moments, I never felt like the director was trying to genuinely make me feel sad.  The “downer” moments seemed like the logical thing to do next, in order to progress the nearly non-existent “story, thus it happens.

When dying from a hail of bullets in a foreign action movie, it is important to jump and flail the arms and legs wildly, as to convey to the audience that you, in fact, have been shot.

So if you are at all an Internet savvy person (I.E. you are familiar with the ways to “procure” certain items online in the new century) and you want to see something that transcends the action genre into a video game-esque, laugh riot of pure, seemingly uninterrupted 9mm joy, then hunt down Sparrow Unit: The Termination Squad, crack open a cold one (or whatever fancy drugs you ruffians do now-a-days) and get ready to get blown away.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

SERIOUS BUSINESS!!!!!!!! Just look at that facial expression. He loves his job.

Looks like it's already inside that hand.

Splinter, an independent horror film that’s been getting a serious amount of buzz lately, deserves every bit of the flurry of interest it’s creating and then some.  Sure, it owes A LOT to its forefathers, most notably John Carpenter’s The Thing, ALIEN, and even to a lesser extent, Tremors, but that doesn’t mean that Splinter can’t stand on its own two parasite infected legs.  Toby Wilkins (who oddly enough is also directing The Grudge 3, god bless him in trying to resurrect that piece of shit horror series) has made something from nothing here.  That’s right folks, this is not a sequel, it’s not a remake or re-imagining of an Asian film, and it’s really clever, fast-paced, and surprising in ways I had forgotten horror films can be.

Our plot is familiar, a couple goes away on a camping trip alone in the woods in the back country, the tent doesn’t work and snaps, and of course they forgot to pack the spare.  So back in the SUV they go, and while driving to a motel, they are confronted by two hitchhikers, who are actually criminals on the run from the law.  The criminals take over the vehicle, but keep the couple as hostages, more or less.

The Flat tire seems to be the next logical step, but it’s WHAT they hit that is interesting, and before they know it they are at a gas station, trying to fix the now very fucked up SUV, when all hell breaks loose.

It’s not groundbreaking, and the “boo” scares aren’t going to make you shit your pants, but it’s all so well executed and framed, that it’s really easy to just slip into the atmosphere and the setting.  I quickly allowed myself to get over the fact that I’ve seen this done before, mostly because I haven’t seen it done THIS WELL before.

The cast, made up mostly of four characters, are excellent.  Shea Whigham really stands out here as someone who could easily handle a starring role in a major movie, as he plays the hardened criminal who has an amazing story to tell.  His transformation in the film is subtle, but magical.  It’s rare that ANY character development takes places in horror movies now a days, and to have one as profound and jaw-dropping as this, really elevates the movie above the “Creature Feature” title I was thinking of giving it.

Monster design is, for the most part, also somewhat subtle, but it’s also very detailed.  I won’t ruin any of the  surprise, but think along the lines of The Thing and the monsters from the recently released video game Dead Space and your on the right track.  Toby Wilkins fast editing and mild shaky camera manage to strike a balance between showing off the almost CGI less creature, and creating tension and panic visually.  I usually hate shaky cam, but it really works well here.  Sound is also very crisp and can be piercing at the right moments.  In tandem with the visual style, the technical package delivered here is very robust and professional.

Lastly, I MUST congratulate the writers, Kai Berry, Ian Shorr, and Toby Wilkins.  Not only did they manage to include some clever nods to the films that obviously inspired them (The hand gag from Evil Dead 2 makes a not-so-funny appearance here) but also have written some of the most likable and realistic characters I’ve seen in horror in quite some time.  Never do the characters do the classic “dumb” thing and get themselves killed, and the dialogue is too the point and refreshing, all the while never insulting my intelligence.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been broken away from the mood by some teenage jerk in horror flicks talking about a girls boobs while their best friend gets his guts spilled out by a monster.

Splinter is about as lean, mean, and streamlined as modern horror is going to get.  It wastes little time, keeps you involved with refreshingly smart heroes and villains, and is presented with so much piss and vigor, it’s really difficult not to fall in love with something in this movie.

Get Splintered today.

Saw V

Readers of this blog will know that I am a self-confessed Saw fanboy. So I was eager to see how the Saw franchise would move forward with the death of it’s leading character.

Fear not dear reader, this review will be spoiler free, I will not be giving away any new plot details, I promise!

Saw V begins with a quick review of what we found out at the end of Saw IV, that Jigsaw is dead, Strahm is trapped in a room and the other players from IV are also dead. The only survivor is Hoffman.

Saw V starts with the pendulum trap that we saw in one of the first clips released. V spends half of its time jumping back and forth between the past explaining stuff (‘stuff’ that I shan’t expand upon), and the present, with five new players in a trap. This is the ‘five will become one’ clip that was circulating before the release of V.

A lot of questions are answered in Saw V, but – true to the series – more questions arise as the movie trundles along. Speaking of which, I found the first twenty or so minutes quite slow, but – true to form – picked up pace. This is definitely more of a story Saw, than a gore Saw.

‘You won’t believe how it ends‘ say all the posters. Well, I obviously won’t give away the ending, but it’s hardly earth shattering – still a nice twist though.

I breath a sigh of relief and say: I like Saw V, I’m still a fan. And well done Mr Hackl too, his first full film as a Director, and it looks good… has the continuity of Saw I – IV (hardly surprising since Hackl practically is Jigsaw!), it’s dark, nicely lit and gory when it needs to be.

I just worry that there’s an outsider lined up to Direct Saw VI. Oh well, won’t be long now ’til Oct ’09…

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1132626/]

The criteria I used for my picks was simple.  Firstly, I had to actually know about or enjoy the movie’s themselves, as I will try to couple something akin to a mini-review with each poster.  Also, I tried to choose the most creative and eye-popping of the bunch, and if possible, the ones that have really cool innuendo, double-images, or are just plain sick and twisted.

In no particular order.

You see? It's a skull but it's also the women from the film. That's fucking cool.

If you haven’t yet seen Neil Marshall’s The Descent, then you need to go rent, buy, download, borrow from a buddy, or…something and see this flick.  The Descent is one of the most legitimately terrifying, psychologically draining, and claustrophobic films our generation is likely to ever see, and unfortunately the poster you see above wasn’t used very much in advertising for the film.  The reason?  Well, it probably had something to do with some stuck up liberal cunt thinking that the fact that women are screaming and posing on a poster is somehow sexist and degrading to women.  The irony of course, is that the movie is one of the strongest and best portrayals of women I’ve ever seen, in or out of the horror genre.  Anyway, this one-sheet gets on my list for being very innovative, slightly sexual, and having sweet double-imagery.  Oh, and the movie itself is near perfection.  That never hurts.

So much going on. And the movie actually has ALL that crap in it!

The Beyond is one of my all time favs.  Reviewed already on here by my best buddy Ronnie, who wasn’t as fanatical as I was about it, he still gave it some credit for being a cool little gore/zombie flick.  This poster, to me, represents perfectly the sheer chaos the film exudes.  Zombified girls getting their fucking heads blown off by grown men with a .357 magnum.  People running from scary shit.  Lots of screaming.  Dead people.  More dead people.  Mega bonus points for the almost “hand drawn” feel to it, and just the sheer amount of scenes from the movie they were able to fit into one sheet a paper without actually ruining some of the best parts, which of course are the gnarly kills.

Someones about to get a good ol' fashioned raping/murder combo. Wait, IN A HITCHCOCK FILM?!?!?!?

This one threw me for a total loop.  Hitchcock, a man known for his thrillers and endless amount of class in dealing with sex and violence eloquently, yet this poster seems to suggest something totally different.  While Rear Window still is my favorite Hitchcock film, Dial M for Murder is a damn close second.  This poster seems very risky, even if we saw something like it today.  I mean, the girl is obviously in peril, and not only is it clear that the shady man’s intentions are to silence that bitch permanently, he may also be looking to get some non-consensual love while he’s at it.  Again folks, this is pretty dark, twisted, and edgy for Hitchcock, probably why I had never seen it before I started digging for posters for this project.

Spooky.

Fulci again graces my list, and this time for a film that is considered by many to be his nastiest.  House by the Cemetery has a reputation for being possibly the most sadistic and grotesque of Fulci’s work, a man who has nack for combing the surreal elements of Giallo films, with the raw horsepower of lingering, graphic, and sickening violence.  If you wanna see the most fucked up slit throat scene in the history of slit throat scenes, grab yourself a copy of this gore classic.  The poster though, speaks to me on a very Halloween “spooky” level, and is…dare i say…very classy and simple.  A little shadow play with a disfigured face up in the clouds, a full moon, a dark, twisty, kind of bent house and a graveyard with some fog.  This is the kind of stuff you see if a movie theater, and immediately turn to your friend and say “Fuck yeah were seeing that when it comes out!”

I so want this one my wall one day. Cre-epy!

Del Toro nailed two birds with one stone with his adult Gothic fairy tale Pan’s Labyrinth.  He not only re-asserted himself as one of the premiere genre directors to watch out for, but also may have creating the defining piece of his entire career.  I just don’t know how he will eclipse of movie that not only showed so much creativity and imagination , but had not one, but two amazing story lines to boot.  (One storyline taking place inside the “Fairy-Tale” world, and the other happening in reality)  This teaser poster always made me sweat in anticipation when I was waiting for this one to come out, and it’s because it’s both incredibly simple, and very creepy.  That sure looks like a “Baphomet” type character to me, not someone who I would let lead a small girl into another dimension.  Another movie that’s highly recommended and another poster I plan to one day have framed on a wall somewhere.  Alice in Wonderland for grown ups, but really really fucking twisted.

What the fuck is that thing on that poor girls HEAD?!?!?!?

How much blood will you shed to stay alive?  Do I really need to say anything else?  The movie (notice I didn’t say series, as everyone seems to have different opinions about how the series has been handled, especially going into the 5th entry in ’08) that changed how audiences viewed horror movies forever, and catapulted the “Torture Porn” sub-category into the cross-hairs of oversensitive fagots worldwide, also happened to have one of the best marketing campaigns ever.  Starting with teaser posters that began floating around the Internet as early as 2001, and extending to some of the most clever “We’re showing you a lot but you have no fucking idea whats actually going on” trailers, SAW burst onto the scene and claimed it it’s own within weeks of its release theatrically.  A perfect tag-line.  A girl in peril without having to rely on sexuality.  One of the best movies series ever.

The tag-line reads “It’s not a remake.  It’s not a sequel.  And it’s not based on a Japanese one.”  Hatchet was a movie I had my eyes on for almost four years, before finally getting to experience it myself in 2007.  Sometimes waiting for shit is a really good thing.  Hatchet delivered on every promise it’s first time director made.  The gore was ALL practical, NO cgi fuckery.  There were ample breasts, some extremely funny humor, some great boo scares, an incredibly likable monster/slasher, and the list goes on and on.  This poster sums the whole thing up too.  It’s an original piece of old school American horror, and sometimes all you need is an axe with some blood on it.  Run, don’t walk, to get your hands on this gem.

The Trick was to Stay Alive. That is so classic. And that chick is so fucked.

The poster no one ever saw.  Apparently there are some stories about how much trouble this little poster got into, but I haven’ been able to put all the pieces together, and I don’t want to sit here and just make shit up, so I will instead give you my take on it.  The picture itself is mostly distorted, obviously we can make out a girl in terror, and a hand outside that’s getting dangerously close to her.  Anyone who has seen the film knows what scene this is from.  The Tag-line here really butters my biscuit though.  “The Trick was to Stay Alive.”  That’s some badass shit folks.  Like, if Michael Myers ever needed a one-liner, it would have to be that.  The easy choice was the classic “pumpkin with a knife” poster, but this one, when I found it, spoke to me, especially with the woman in terror and then the incredible tag-line.  And again, it doesn’t give away too much, just enough to put asses in seats.

BONUS!!!!!!!!!!!

For those who have never been treated to seeing the made for tv halloween special, here is, in three parts via youtube, The Halloween That Almost Wasn’t!!!!!

P.S.  Told you I’d find it mom.  Love ya!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHtzNeMsFek

www.youtube.com/watch?v=NftQq27zxbo

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFMJTgc0GXw