See prang (aka: 4bia/Phobia)

OK, so, technically I’ve reviewed these films in the wrong order. First, I reviewed Phobia 2 (don’t forget to check out my review of it) and now I’m reviewing the first one, but fear not loyal readers, there’s no connection between the two anthologies.

In its native Thailand, the movie is known as ‘See prang’, but to us Westerners it’s known as either ‘Phobia’, or ’4BIA’. No matter the name, the idea is the same; the movie is made up for four shorts all with a common theme; horror! Yay!

The first short, Happiness, is unusual in that it has no dialogue what-so-ever, all the information is conveyed through text messages sent to, and from, a girl who is alone, and bored, in her small apartment. Unable to leave due to having a broken leg which she sustained in a car accident. While the story to this one isn’t bad, it’s a bit boring since the first ten minutes is the girl sending and receiving texts with her making all sorts of happy/excited faces. Like I said though, the story aint bad, and while the end is scary, it’s a bit of a cheap shot.

Next up, Tit for Tat. This one is easily my favourite of the four. A gang of unruly youths are bullying a weak kid. They really give him a good going over and threaten to toss him from the back of their moving pick-up truck. His shirt tears and he falls from the truck. It seems he survives the ordeal, but appears to visit the gang in a last act of defiance. As they try and show him who’s boss a series of events happen and we see that the weak kid really isn’t all that weak after all. Revenge is the motto here. The story is a typical curse/revenge story, but the deaths and effects really shine in this one. There are a couple of very imaginative deaths, with good gore, and some scenes use CGI, some creatures are also CGI, but it’s all done in such a creepy way that you’re really not paying attention to the animation! Again, good ending, but don’t watch it if you’re superstitious!

Third in the series is In The Middle, which is a story about four guys out camping in the woods. One of them tells a ghost story and one of the guys promises that if he dies, he’ll haunt whoever is sleeping in the middle of the remaining three. Well, of course, there’s a white-water rafting accident and one of the quartet is missing. He eventually turns up, but doesn’t quite seem his old self. This is a funny story, and a good story too, nice twist ending to it. This story stars the same four guys who were in the last, very funny, story in Phobia 2.

And the final story is Last Fright. This one is the story of a Princess who is flying out of the country and requests the same air-crew as her last flight. The stewardess agrees and they take off. Mid-flight the stewardess brings the Princess coffee, which she spills on the stewardess scalding her arm, then comes the main meal… which the Princess refuses and wants the stewardesses meal instead. The Princess has an allergy to prawns, so the stewardess removes the prawns thinking that would be fine. Not so. As they land the Princess is whisked off to hospital where she later dies. Now the stewardess has to sit through the return flight, looking at the Princesses mummified body! This one was an OK story, good suspense, only let down by a really weak ending.

So, if I had to rate them from best to worst:

1. Tit For Tat
2. In The Middle
3. Last Fright
4. Happiness

Again, another good anthology, although if you want more bang for your buck, I reckon Phobia 2 is actually better!

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars <– if the ending for Last Fright had been better, it would have been a solid four.

Could this poster get any cooler?

I should really change the name of our site to “Alex shows you why the only movies you ever really need to see were made from about 1979 to 1989.”  That’s not true, because some great movies came out before and after that decade long window, but the more and more I dig into the movies I love that may have fallen by the wayside, the more and more I realize they all seem to be either made, or have strong ties, to that time frame.  The Wraith is another one of these rubies, and better yet, one I don’t see spoken about often or reviewed enough (or very well, for that matter) on the internet.  So what is this flick all about?  Glad you asked.

The Wraith is a new spin on the tried and true ghost/spirit revenge tale.  I’m sure we’ve all seen movies where someone is wrongfully murdered, and then a spectral version of them self comes back in order to exact vengeance on those who did him or her wrong.    What you probably haven’t seen is, what if that victim came back with a Dodge Turbo Interceptor, and used his car to kill those who “Road Pirates” who killed him and continue terrorize the small Arizona town they live in?  Sounds kind of badass right?  It totally is, and here’s why.

Suck it Knight Rider.

The first rule of making a car-centric (or Car Porn, for those of you gear-heads out there) movie, besides having some sexy looking cars to film, is that you film the cars well while they are moving.  In recent years, computer graphics, models and copious other cop out special effects have replaced elaborate pyrotechnics and stunt drivers, but The Wraith spares us that sub-video game graphic quality and non-sense for some no-bullshit car chases, races, and massive, multiple angle explosions.  Director Mike Marvin shows a lot of competence and confidence while he makes sweet cinematic love to the fleet of vehicles he has at his disposal, and every race and chase is filmed very well, even if they are a bit on the short side.  Even with short actions sequences, the movie is built around the set pieces, meaning to say that you never go more than 15 minutes or so before something is getting blown up or shot at.  Marvin still manages to let the characters be fleshed out enough to care about by meshing the action with character development, with special attention given towards Keri Johnson (the damsel in distress), Packard Walsh (played brilliantly by actor-turned-director Nick Cassavetes, director of such steaming piles of shit like John Q, The Notebook, and Alpha Dog), and Jake Kesey (played by a stunt driver in an awesome black leather suit mostly, and when he is out of the suit, it’s Charlie Sheen.)  Mike Marvin seemed hellbent on turning Nick Cassavetes into a legitimate action bad guy movie star, as he shines throughout as just a miserable bastard of a villain, but one who is pretty smart and intimidating in an unconventionally stylish and almost classy way.  The scene that pushes him over the edge, and shows Mike Marvin at his actor-driven-scene best is when Packard forces his girlfriend/”property”, Keri Johnson, to cut his hand to show that they are “Blood Lovers.”  When Marvin isn’t giving little peeks into the everyday world of the road pirates or Keri, he is making the best of the picturesque south-western scenery and really knocking the race and chase scenes out of the park with simple but highly effective camera angles that are usually filming slightly upward at the cars, in order to give that a “bigger than life” quality and a greater sense of speed and pure muscle.

Insert General Motors joke here.

Since I already bled into a critique of what you can expect from the acting, I will cheat a bit here and sum it up by saying that if you know how to take 80′s acting on the chin, and laugh a bit WITH it, instead of at it, you won’t have any problems sitting through The Wraith.  On a whole, the acting is above par from what I remembered it being the first time I saw this (which was when I was like 12, and I saw it on a Sunday afternoon on WB 11 New York or something like that) and again, the true standout is Nick Cassavetes as the absolutely insufferable and demented Packard Walsh.  Oh, and Clint Howard lends his…big hair, crazy glasses, and general geekdom to this flick as well, and Clint is always worth mentioning.  Randy Quaid has something between a cameo and a bit part as one Detective Loomis (a nod to Halloween?) and does what Randy Quaid normally does; be kinda weird and off putting and not play much of a factor in the likability of any movie in particular.

Seriously Clint, what the fuck is going on with those glasses and that hair. That doesn't "just happen" to a guy, right?

The real stars of the show, as you probably guessed by the story synopsis, are the special effects and the cars.  Now, before somebody jumps down my throat, I am not a guy car.  I know one car in the film is a Turbo Interceptor, because that’s what people called it in the movie.  There was also a Cuda.  That’s about what I know.  What I do know, is the cars we all very distinguishable, looked very cool and seemed to go really fast, and that was really all I cared about.  The races, as I mentioned earlier, are somewhat on the short sort and somewhat samey, but the fact that they usually end in explosions or some massive crash makes them much more entertaining.  The explosions are ridiculously big, the warehouse explosion and the final crash explosion in particular, but it adds to the quality of the revenge that is so deservedly being dealt out by our black clad, Spas-12 shotgun wielding, Turbo Interceptor driving hero.  The natural lighting that prevails through much of the film gives the movie a much more realistic and gritty look, like you can almost feel the sand and dirt kicking up around these four-wheeled mayhem machines.  The south west is the perfect place to film a movie based around cars and crashes, and the locale certainly glimmers here.  When we aren’t seeing the small Arizon town in the daytime, heavy blues and purples help to give the nighttime a other worldly feel, especially when The Wraith shows up.  As far as the auido department goes, the sound is spot on, and the soundtrack has some Billy Idol, Ozzy Osbourne, Robert Palmer, and Motley Crue in it when the synthy score isn’t just moseying around.

Now might be a good time to run.

The Wraith must be taken in by someone who can enjoy a fair amount of very minor flaws that come with any film that is dated beyond 20 years.  That being said, it is a highly enjoyable, very watchable (visually, it still has some impressive moments), and an impressively unique take on an age old film formula that sees the victim getting one last go at those who did him in.  The “Road Pirates” give it a bit of a modern day Mad Max feel, but The Wraith taps into more of a spacey vibe that anything.  The universe itself has rejected the death of the young, innocent, and unjustly murdered man and have sent him back to Earth with a bitchin’ all black leather racing suit, racing helmet with tinted visor, and a sweet fucking car with one mission.  Kick.  Major.  Ass.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Sadly, this is the best lead-in image I could find. Yeah, I know. I'm disappointed too.

First of all, let me state that the title of this film is actually The Guyver Dark Hero, not The Guyver 2 Dark Hero.  I decided to call it The Guyver 2: Dark Hero so that everyone will understand this is indeed a direct sequel to The Guyver, the 1991 film I recently reviewed.  In that review, I dissected my own memories of The Guyver a bit, and learned that not everything I enjoyed when I was younger holds up as well today.  As luck would have it though, during my light research for The Guyver review, I stumbled upon its straight-to-video R-Rated sequel, and still being in the mood to see stuntmen in elaborate rubber suits and armor beat the shit out of each other, I jumped on it.  This has turned out to be one of the best decisions of my weekend, and possibly my entire month!

To sum up the plot, I have to make a choice.  Do I assume you have seen the first Guyver movie, or do I just start from the beginning?  I’ll give you a brief summary of the initial live action installment, and then bleed it into the plot synopsis of the second entry.

*Spoiler Alert* (If you haven’t seen the first movie, this will ruin it for you.)

In the first Guyver, Sean Barker, a typical college aged white guy, stumbles upon the Guyver unit, which he then uses to save his girlfriend Mizky, who was the daughter of the doctor who stole the unit from the Chronos corporation, which is a company that is a front for shape shifting evil Zoanoids (Aliens).  Phew, that was a mouthful.  In the process he destroys the Chronos L.A. base, seemingly removing that threat.  It is now some time down the road, and he (Sean Barker/The Guyver) is the resident anti-hero of L.A having mastered control over the activation of his parasitic armament.  After the opening scene where e, in very graphic fashion, takes down a group of drug smugglers, his relationship with Mizky is ended, because she can’t stomach his murderous hero lifestyle.  All the while he is having visionary dreams, jotting down the images that come to him during his slumber in a notebook.  These images match those found at a archaelogical dig, a location also reported to be host to “werewolf attacks.”  Sean Barker, knowing that the Zoanoids and their shape shifting ways have been responsible for the myths of vampires and werewolves throughout recorded history, goes to investigate.  Ok, now that we are done with introduction…

ON TO THE REVIEW!!!!!! SALLY FORTH!

For the sake of organization (and my own minor fits with obsessive compulsive disorder) I will break this review down into three main parts, the same way I did with The Guyver review.  The first item up for examination will be the acting.  David Hayter, famous for voicing Solid Snake in some of the titles of that popular video game series as well as writing the screenplay for the recent Watchmen movie as well as X-men and X-men 2, takes over the reigns as Sean Barker/The Guyver.  He does an admirable job, much better than his predecessor Jack Armstrong, but still seems to be overdoing in spots, contorting his face into overly expressive shapes and not being subtle enough in his approach.  I wasn’t expecting miracles here, but someone could have slipped a whisper into his ear and told him to turn it down a notch so when his character is upset, it doesn’t look like he is pumping out a sharp, painful, triangular poop.  Besides Hayter, the only performance that is memorable is that of Kathy Christopherson, who plays the love interest to our lead, Cori.  She does her best to summon the ghost of Vivian Wu’s fucking hideous performance in the first film, but even she can’t sink as low as Wu did.  She has her moments where you can tell why she is an actress who would be hired, but she suffers from the say same “way too busy with facial expressions” syndrome that Hayter succumbs to.  Everyone else in the movie is just kind of there, and to my limited knowledge, they are no one of note.

Do you think I should get my nose done?

The directing in a major step up from the first movie beyond a shadow of a doubt.  That isn’t to say it is without its faults, but the good far outweighs the bad.  Steve Wang is credited as one half of the directing team of the original flick, but here he shows a much different, and much more appropriate visual style, especially during combat.  Where I feel the ball is dropped is during the middle stanza, where Wang brings the movie to a crawl as he attempts to examine the psychological and cultural implications of the existence of the Zoanoids, as well as the cultural and scientific weight of the…”relic” that is found during the dig.  I praise him for exposing more than just the tip of the iceberg of The Guyver mythos, but at the same time I loathe the fact that it makes the middle piece of what otherwise is a highly entertaining sci-fi action picture such a chore to sit through.  There were times where I wondered if I should turn it off, or fast foward a bit to save myself some time, but in the end I was very glad I stuck with it.  The reason for that is right around the 1 hour mark, right when the sluggish pace was really starting to test my patience, Wang put his stomps his foot down on the accelerator HARD.  The last 45 minutes is a blissful orgy of well lit monster martial arts mayhem.  The fighting is edited and shot masterfully, bringing the distinct oriental flavor that was criminally absent in the first film.  Another key element is that there is limited use of music during these fights, meaning that all the impact and the “boosting” and “whooshing” sounds The Guyver makes as his suit propels his up from the ground or through the air are that much more clear and emphasized.  Tag that along with the leeway that the R rating gives, and the violence transcends above what it looks like on screen, which is simply guys in suits doing flips and ninja stuff.  I will post a video to show you how effective this is below.  One last thing to mention would be the pleasurable nighttime cinmetography.  You can see everything that goes on clearly, and it never hinders the images quality.

The Guyver during one of my favorite fight scenes in the movie. He delivers a crazy arachnid kick (wrestling fans will get that) to the back of this Beast.

If you thought the effects were good in The Guyver (not only were they good, they were the driving force behind the whole damn thing) then you better hold onto your hat, because the sequel brings the rubber suits and thin, watery Japanese blood by the goddamn bucket full.  The amount of on screen monsters and varying make-up and suits has doubled, and the addition of gore has helped to bring even the most immediately laughable creations to a more serious level.  Sure, the guy who looks like a cross between a bumblebee and an ant looks funny at first, but wait until he gets his head cut off.  And pictured above, that beast is a cross between a hedgehog, porcupine, and a iconic werewolf.  Silly at first, but when you see the absolute devastation The Guyver lays down on it, which includes a double barrelled laser blast that implodes both the creatures eyeballs, you won’t be laughing.  Instead you’ll be saying “OH SHIT! That was effin’ AMAZING.”  I can’t give enough credit to whomever choreographed these fights, as well as the editor who picked and spliced just the right shots to make the combat and monster shenanigans less of a laughable affair, and more of a dead serious struggle for the preservation of Earth and the human race.  The bright red, shiny blood flows pretty liberally too, showing that Sean Barker and his opposition are much more intent on getting the job done this time around.  Killing is not just the last option, it is the only option.  The only word I can summon to describe the entire special effects package on display here is superb.  It is a major step forward, and my only regret is the days when audiences could marvel at the handiwork of artists with paint, latex, rubber, and plastic maybe be behind us.

You got a little something on your lip there Zoanoid. To your left. Yeah, you got it.

In closing, Dark Hero is a few light years ahead of The Guyver.  It suffers from an obviously low budget, which I’m sure was set low due to the less than favorable reception of the first film.  But despite having no name actors, a mountain of bad reputation to try and repel, and a rare R Rating for these types of genre fare, Dark Hero succeeds in being, if nothing else, a satisfying guilty pleasure.  The direction and acting are both adequate, and at times break free from the schlocky straight-to-video chains that bind them, but the martial arts, costume design, and unexpected grisly violence all elevate this just enough to be considered a hidden gem of the mid 90′s.  It isn’t a must watch, but it is surely something that made my entire weekend, and filled the empty void left inside me after the dissapointment that was my rewatching of The Guyver 1.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

P.S.  A 2005 “re-edit” with new music and and enhanced digital effects is available in 13 parts for free on youtube, for those who aren’t download or amazon savvy. Here is a link to Part 1.

Food allergies are killer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnQnP5ibCLM

Aachi & Ssipak

I first came across this *ahem* ‘delightful’ little movie while viewing the mixtape, Celluloid Carcass. The scene of little blue smurf-like beings being annihilated brought me great joy. And thanks to James, who revealed the name of the movie, I can tell you that the whole movie brought me great joy!

The story? Ok, bear with me here. You won’t believe it, but I’ll explain it none the less (storyline butchered from IMDb, ie: I cut out some spoilers):

[in the future] all citizens are implanted with anal identity chips at birth, and when they defecate in public stalls they receive an addictive, hallucinogenic popsicle, called a “juicybar” as a reward. Juicybars … cause people to transform into small, blue, and stupid mutants. These mutants have been organized by a Hitleresque charismatic leader into a revolutionary cell called “The Diaper Gang” and they are constantly hounded by police forces, aided by an unstoppable government cyborg. Everyone wants to control the juicybar supply. Jimmy the Freak, a drug-addled porn director, stumbles onto a means of tricking the system into over-dispensing juicybars and he hands this information to the leader of the Diapers. They then recruit anti-heroine Beauty (a woman imbued with the power to crap several times a day) to be the vessel for a “blessed” anal chip and soon accidentally lose her to Aachi and Ssipak…

No, I’m not kidding. That’s the storyline. It’s AWESOME! Full of schoolboy humour and anal/poop jokes, this movie is basically MADE for my sense of humour!

Constipated? You need 'Dump-free Yogurt'!

Scattered throughout the movie are small infomericals (like the screen above) for things like ‘Dump-free Yogurt’ and various other laxative-type products. The animation is excellent, it’s a mix of traditional looking cel animation and CGI, it’s not a perfect blend, but it’s not so distant to throw you off watching.

Jimmy, the porn director.

The many characters in the movie are hilarious. Jimmy, the porn director, (above) is hilarious. He’s trying to be a serious (porn) director but, when faced with danger, turns in to a snivelling, weeping, coward. Aachi, and Ssipak, are a couple of unlucky, but hopeless, thugs trying to control (and steal) juicybars but, inevitably, end up getting the crap kicked out of them.

I'm not going to even TRY and explain this scene!

‘Beauty’ is the girl who can poop, cause an error, and have the lavatory delivery a gajillion juicybars, much to our (anti)heroes delight. Her relationship to Aachi and Ssipak is like your average Hollywood movie, one is trying to use her to get rich, while the other is in love with her.

Beauty, post-poop, juicybar delivered. But her lavvy is about to malfunction!

The action in the movie is something that would make (early) John Woo proud. It’s waaaayyyy over the top, dual gun play, blood everywhere, dumb little blue guys getting decapitated and blown up from every angle. So on, and so on. Good crazy stuff.

Used to be the Diaper Gang... before the mad Government robot (in red) appeared.

I’m trying to think of something bad to say about Aachi & Ssipak, but I honestly can’t think of anything negative to say about it. I’m going to have to give it top marks. It’s funny, has plenty of toilet humour, full of action, blood, and gore, doesn’t even try and take its self seriously, and is totally over the top. If you haven’t seen it, go get it!

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars