See prang (aka: 4bia/Phobia)

OK, so, technically I’ve reviewed these films in the wrong order. First, I reviewed Phobia 2 (don’t forget to check out my review of it) and now I’m reviewing the first one, but fear not loyal readers, there’s no connection between the two anthologies.

In its native Thailand, the movie is known as ‘See prang’, but to us Westerners it’s known as either ‘Phobia’, or ’4BIA’. No matter the name, the idea is the same; the movie is made up for four shorts all with a common theme; horror! Yay!

The first short, Happiness, is unusual in that it has no dialogue what-so-ever, all the information is conveyed through text messages sent to, and from, a girl who is alone, and bored, in her small apartment. Unable to leave due to having a broken leg which she sustained in a car accident. While the story to this one isn’t bad, it’s a bit boring since the first ten minutes is the girl sending and receiving texts with her making all sorts of happy/excited faces. Like I said though, the story aint bad, and while the end is scary, it’s a bit of a cheap shot.

Next up, Tit for Tat. This one is easily my favourite of the four. A gang of unruly youths are bullying a weak kid. They really give him a good going over and threaten to toss him from the back of their moving pick-up truck. His shirt tears and he falls from the truck. It seems he survives the ordeal, but appears to visit the gang in a last act of defiance. As they try and show him who’s boss a series of events happen and we see that the weak kid really isn’t all that weak after all. Revenge is the motto here. The story is a typical curse/revenge story, but the deaths and effects really shine in this one. There are a couple of very imaginative deaths, with good gore, and some scenes use CGI, some creatures are also CGI, but it’s all done in such a creepy way that you’re really not paying attention to the animation! Again, good ending, but don’t watch it if you’re superstitious!

Third in the series is In The Middle, which is a story about four guys out camping in the woods. One of them tells a ghost story and one of the guys promises that if he dies, he’ll haunt whoever is sleeping in the middle of the remaining three. Well, of course, there’s a white-water rafting accident and one of the quartet is missing. He eventually turns up, but doesn’t quite seem his old self. This is a funny story, and a good story too, nice twist ending to it. This story stars the same four guys who were in the last, very funny, story in Phobia 2.

And the final story is Last Fright. This one is the story of a Princess who is flying out of the country and requests the same air-crew as her last flight. The stewardess agrees and they take off. Mid-flight the stewardess brings the Princess coffee, which she spills on the stewardess scalding her arm, then comes the main meal… which the Princess refuses and wants the stewardesses meal instead. The Princess has an allergy to prawns, so the stewardess removes the prawns thinking that would be fine. Not so. As they land the Princess is whisked off to hospital where she later dies. Now the stewardess has to sit through the return flight, looking at the Princesses mummified body! This one was an OK story, good suspense, only let down by a really weak ending.

So, if I had to rate them from best to worst:

1. Tit For Tat
2. In The Middle
3. Last Fright
4. Happiness

Again, another good anthology, although if you want more bang for your buck, I reckon Phobia 2 is actually better!

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars <– if the ending for Last Fright had been better, it would have been a solid four.

Çilgin kiz ve üç süper adam (aka: 3 Supermen and Mad Girl)

Normally, I would start my review with some pithy comments and an IMDb synopsis. Unfortunately, this movie is so rare (read: barking mad) that IMDb has literally nothing on it, and it took me some leet Google-ninja skills just to get the poster (left)!

Before I get in to the review I have to preface it with this: this movie is old, probably ripped from an old billionth generation VHS tape, in Turkish and (as if that’s not bad enough) has no subtitles/English what so ever. So without further ado, here’s what myself (Ronnie), Alex, and Erin could decypher from the film.

In a deep underground cave, some fit chick in a skimpy red outfit (and wearing Elton John’s reject glasses) is plotting some evil deeds.

Mad Girl - in her mad outfit, mad glasses and mad technology

Her boss seems to be some guy who’s wearing a two dollar mask and sits on his fat ass for the whole film, he’s maybe a cripple, but I can’t prove that.

Satan, 666 - I think that's what his mask cost him, $6.66

Their minions seem to be KKK Klansmen, but in green:

The henchmen - no seriously, it is!

… and their ultimate weapon seems to be a robot made out of cardboard boxes sprayed with silver paint:

ILM - eat your heart out...

We are then introduced to the first of the supermen, lying on a boat, surrounded by chicks while Tom Jones is playing in the background. Enter the other two goons supermen, the three of them dress up in red costumes (with black capes), branded with an ‘S’, and the tight outfits apparently make them bullet-proof.

The 3 'Supermen' - I use the term 'supermen' VERY loosely!

Our heroes then head off to a sleazy bar in their beetle. Fly? Heavens no. Why fly when they have their ‘Beetle Of Justice’ (™, Alex). Their car journey is accompanied by some fine circa 1970 organ music. Beautiful. After bitch-slapping one girl several times, she is shot by a henchman which causes an epic battle on a rooftop. Which seems to be about an envelope (or something).

One superman rescues a chick from a car (for reasons unknown) and she’s smitten by the Beetle Of Justice:

Behold! The Beetle Of Justice! *fanfare*

After another epic battle, one of the supermen is captured, put on a table and spun several times. As Erin said: obviously dizziness is his Kryponite.

One of several super-taint shots...

He is, eventually, rescued by the other supermen where we were so close to getting a good nudie scene, except for one little green fucker who interrupts. He deserves to die 1,000 deaths.

I hope that little green guy dies, he spoiled the potential nude scene. Bastard!

After the (near)naked chick is captured, our heroes (again) spring in to action in their hot-rod:

The Supermen to the (somewhat slow) rescue!

They are again in a scuffle, this time in a large expanse of grassy area. Obviously the sun must have been out that day as the entire screen is white and we can hardly see a damn thing.

The kidnapped chick is now tied up in Mad Girls underground lair. Kinky! After which we FINALLY, after fifty minutes of this nonsense, get to see some boobage:

Are they allowed to show boobs in Turkey?

After the supermen crash their entirely uneventful orgy of nothingness, Mad Girl is nearly captured! Gasp! But she manages to escape back to $2-mask-Satan. But unfortunately, for one of the supermen, the cardboard robot is set free! But fear not, it is disabled as Mad Girl heads back to her (kinky) dungeon to try and strangle the kidnapped chick with a large piece of chain. But the supermen crash this party too and save the day. Not only that, but someone finally phones the cops. They have police in Turkey? Well I’ll be…

But the evil protagonist isn’t done yet, he still has the all powerful robot of doom!

The evil robot, dubbed 'drill-do' by Alex

The movie finishes with the cops closing in on Mad Girl where she, and the evil old guy (whoever he is) are arrested.

Your nicked!

And so, the reign of Mad Girl (and Old Guy) has come to an end. But since it’s Turkey, I’m sure they’ll probably bribe their way out of prison to terrorise the 3 Supermen once again.

I just want to add that if you, the reader, think I’ve embelished the plot with superflous details to make it sound funny, I have NOT! All the stuff about them not flying, driving around, several superman taint shots (noticed by Erin I may add), making them dizzy… it’s all there! Honest! And when I say it was a billionth generation VHS, I’m not kidding:

This happened a few times throughout the film...

I have to say, this film was a barrell of laughs. So bad it was hilarious. It seems to be so obscure that clips of it aren’t even on YouTube. I’ll maybe put up one or two later.

The all important ratings:

Ronnies Rating: 5 out of 5 stars = 14 out of 5 (just to three-up Alex)

Erins Rating: 5 out of 5 stars = 8 out of 5

Alexs Rating: 5 out of 5 stars = 11 out of 5

UPDATE: don’t say we’re not good to you readers. I personally uploaded the first ten minutes of this superhero madness to YouTube, just for you. Yes, you. You personally!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziRJOICt8Mw

Mystics in Bali

This… is one weird movie!

The acting is visually ok, but the voice dubbing is God awful. So what’s the good points? Well, the cheese aspect, to be quite frank and honest.

An American woman (Cathy) heads to Bali to learn their most powerful form of magic. She is, apparently, versed in the ways and means of Voodoo, but wants something with a bit more oomph. She eventually gets a meeting with the Leák Queen (with the most annoying laugh) who accepts her as her disciple. All the while we have Mahendra, her trusy male friend, trying his damnedest to get in her drawers.

Poor Mahendra. Most he gets to see is Cathy with a wet top.

The Leák Queen teaches Cathy magic but also uses Cathy to cause misery to the local villagers by detaching Cathy’s head and having it fly around the village, all the while dangling her innards. No, I’m not kidding. I’ll prove it, watch this clip of Mystics in Bali:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=amIA6TOgJZQ

Mahendra needs to find a cure for Cathy since she is now transmogrifying in to snakes and pigs. A part human, part pig, with big boobs (which you do get to see!) is not something that turns him on it seems.

Special effects are something to rival Industrial Light and Magic. Sorry, I missed the word ‘not‘ in that sentence. Cathy’s head flying around and Mahendra’s Uncle levitating are, well, embarrassing.

Beat THAT Industrial Light and Magic! Hmf!

The question is: did I like the movie? Fuck yeah! The acting, and dubbing, were awful, and the special effects were dire. What was there not to like?!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097942/]

I mean, just the title alone makes me giggle.

That’s one ridiculous title.  It screams “cheese” and “fun.”  That truly is what you get.  In the first five minutes the “master of the flying guillotine” gets so pissed that some of his apprentices were killed by a man known as the one-armed boxer (yup, dudes got one arm) he jumps out of his house through the roof, does some flips, sets his house on fire with marbles that are apparently incendiary grenades, and then takes out his anger on some planks of wood with his unfolding umbrella/lampshade with teeth, the flying guillotine.

I’m pretty sure this one was directed with all the seriousness in the world, and while it does serve as a fine example of some of the most fast paced and entertaining martial arts action from the 70′s, it’s also a movie that is just fucking hysterical to watch.

The acting is hammy,but its all fuel for the incredible amount of charm this film has.  How can you really fault a martial arts movie, from the orient, made in the 70′s, for having acting that is laughable?  You can’t.  Unless the movie sucks.  And this certainly doesn’t.

It’s saving grace is that the parts that are meant to be gravely important and tell the story, are laugh out loud funny.  The fighting bits go from this “LOL” greatness, to actually being DAMN good fights.  And there’s a ton of them, especially in the middle bit where we get almost 30 minutes of straight, back to back, uninterrupted one on one tournament action.  We get tons of different types of combatants as well.  The guy who cheats and uses a knife in his staff to kill, who’s ironically named “Wins without a knife.”  Yeah, that’s the dudes name.  Also we get the Indian guy who’s a yoga expert, that’s his fighting style, with the stretchy arms, like the guy from street fighter II (the video game).

Of course I would be regretful if I didn’t mention that our main baddy, the flying guillotine master, is blind.  So we get a cripple battle between a guy throwing around the deadliest umbrella ever known to man, and a man who has one arm.  I can’t make this shit up, even if I tried really hard.

The production does its part too.  Sound effect for every punch, even if they are just practicing and punching the air.  The video warps, changes color, tears, and a number of other genuine “grindhouse” like results of being a film probably so battered and abused over the years, it’s a miracle it still exists.  The music is really good actually, shame I can’t make fun of that.

If you want to have a good laugh, or see something very absurd, or your big into old-school martial arts flicks, or your….anybody really…you should see this movie, if only to have “yeah, I’ve seen it.”

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmdP1qTjGZY