Right from the get go, we are assailed with a moving wall of text setting up why this film will never be able to be made again (which is true, this had to be made at a certain time for any chance at authenticity) and some mentions of a “code” that exists among the carny folk, among other things.  THIS is where I find FREAKS has the absolute most to offer anyone who watches it in todays morally bankrupt and culturally suicidal society.  For those that don’t know, the main arc examined through FREAKS is that of a couple (A Strongman performer type and a Trapeze broad who happens to be French if the accent was deciphered correctly by yours truly) that is plotting to get the lady in the couple to marry the roaming carnival promoter and then kill him in order to inherit the fortunes he apparently has coming to him.  Of course, our savvy band of deformed oddities and lovable monsters is a step ahead of the nefarious duo and their shady plan and, by the end of the film, kill the man (or at least we are led to believe that they killed him since we never see him again after he is stuck in the ribs with a knife and descended upon by a dozen or so blade wielding freaks crawling underneath a carriage in the middle of a terribly stormy night) and disfigure the trapeze artiste almost beyond recognition making her “one of them.”

Proud to be part of the Carnival of Blood Blogathon!

This is where I usually get to fist pumping and celebrating the no nonsense attitude these people took when dealing with folks who would seek to take advantage of them and, in the end, murder one of their own.  Nowadays, if someone marries into money, people applaud the move, or they get a reality tv show, or they are thought of as clever and smart and the most resentment you will get from the general public is jealousy instead complete and utter disgust.  The forces that control our media and institutions have engineered a climate where everyone is a potential enemy to the millions that is so rightfully yours and if ONLY you could get those sandbagging motherfuckers out of the picture, you would have less competition in your way and could realize your dream of being better than everyone else, consequences be damned.  But the FREAKS survive by travelling and working together to entertain audiences and use the curses that have been so unfairly bestowed upon them as a tool for something not unlike success.  They may be laugh at, teased, and ridiculed, but they have your attention and some of your cash, and they have done it by embracing what they and piquing your curiosity and allowing you to explore those emotions for a nominal fee.  Everyone wins and in a symbiotic and subconscious way, everyone takes care of everyone else.  What the fuck is better than that?

FREAKS Full Movie

Srpski film, aka: A Serbian Film (2010)

I’ve reviewed some sick and harsh films over the years (eg: Martyrs, Ebola Syndrome, The Human Centipede etc.) but this one takes the biscuit. In fact, it eats the entire packet and spits the crumbs in my face!

Srpski Film (aka: A Serbian Film) goes places no film should go. Yes, I’ll be hyping this film up and not giving away too many scenes, but where I do explain an OTT scene, I’ll cover it with a spoiler tag. The reason being that you should see this film without knowing the main scenes that make it surely THE most outrageous film ever.

The story: Milos is a former porn star who is down on his luck financially. When he receives a call from his long-time movie actress partner, Layla, he welcomes her call. Apparently she’s heard that a new film director wants to hire Milos to star in his “artistically-designed” porn film for a very generous price. He is easily lured form his semi-retirement by the lucrative offer, agreeing to meet the director in an isolated mansion. As the filming progresses, Milo begins to suspect that the director’s intentions may be darker than mere pornography. As the film begins to devolve into a horrifically violent production, Milos finds escape may not be an option. (IMDb.com)

Sounds like your average torture-porn film, and it does seem like that initially. About one-third of the way in we see some rough (soft-core) porn, all movements and no penises (thankfully!) with some slapping. No big deal for us veterans of extreme horror. The half-way mark is when it all goes haywire. Y’see, poor Milos has no idea what this film he’s starring in is all about, it’s when the director shows him a clip that you realise that this is some sick stuff:

It's not what you're thinking... it's much MUCH worse!

Whatever you’re thinking probably isn’t what happens. If you really want to know, click the SPOILER link below to find out, but I urge you to watch the film and see for yourself.

Show Spoiler ▼

Poor Milos storms out of the showing and heads off in his car. But a hot chick approaches his car and he can’t keep his hands off her. Next thing you know he’s waking up, in bed, covered in cuts, bruises and blood. Oh dear!

She's cuffed to the bed, he has a machete and there's rigor mortis involved. Uh oh!

Now Milos has to piece together what has happened to him. This is shown in a series of flashbacks. As we head towards the end of the film the director has filming Milos in increasingly depraved situations. The main crux of those I shant reveal, you’ll have to watch the movie for them, but needless to say, you’ll either be sitting back, mouth open, saying ‘what the FUCK?!’, or looking away in disgust. One scene in particular which I certainly wasn’t expecting was one involving Milos and one of the directors heavies.

Show Spoiler ▼

And if you think you’re going to get a happy ending, think again. That’s all I’m saying.

Like I said, I thought I’d seen it all, then this ‘thing’ turns up. I’m kinda stuck on rating this one, as if I give it a high rating then I’m saying that I enjoyed what I saw, and I didn’t really! Hours after having watched it, I still couldn’t shake off some of those scenes. But, by giving it a low mark, I’d be dismissing what is, for all intents and purposes a well made and well thought out film. The story is good, it has some good twists, and it’s technically good. So, my score is based on a rating of one being nothing special, to five, with five being outrageous sickness…

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Don’t expect to see this film uncut on any shelves!

Trailer:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0zPbwuKANU

Futuristic blood harvesting at its finest

Daybreakers is the latest movie to hit theaters that is looking to stake a claim in the vampire media frenzy that has taken over both the big and small screens.  From Twilight (I need an acid bath every time I so much as type that name) to True Blood, the bloodsucking freaks have been a big hit with audiences looking for dark, but ultimately romance driven narratives injected with some supernatural herbs and spices.  Out of this pit of shallow pandering to the adolescent and deeply delusional, Daybreakers has come forth to deliver a vampire movie with a fairly metallic set of testicles with some brains to boot.  Extracted from the minds of the The Spierig Brothers (who made one of the best and funniest zombie flicks of  the oo’s called UNDEAD, a film I should definitely review for y’all!  Or fuck it, grab it now and watch it, it’s worth it!), Daybreakers throws us into the year 2019 (inferred from that fact that in the film they refer to 2009 as being 10 years ago) where vampires have become to dominant species on planet Earth, and the few pockets of humans who are left are on the run from the vampires military who hunt them down for sustenance.  The humans aren’t the only ones who are fighting for survival however, as it is made clear early on that without blood or a blood substitute, vampires devolve into these hideous, almost zombie like bat humanoid creatures who will feast on anyone or anything that they come across.  This is where Edward Dalton (Ethan Hawke) comes into play, as he is a brilliant hematologist tasked creating a blood substitute that will eliminate the need for widespread human re-population.  Sprinkle into this mess some interesting, albeit subdued, statements about the Big Pharma culture that is currently present in the United States as well as our military industrial complex and you have a nice little self-contained flick that doesn’t require you to completely shut down your higher brain functions in order to enjoy it in full.  Not to mention, it has a pretty nifty cast too.  Did I mention Willem Dafoe is in it?

Holy shit, they are arming Willem Dafoe. GET THE FUCK DOWN, NOW!

And while I your attention squarely on Mr. Dafoe’s general creepiness (read: AWESOMENESS), let’s take a moment to expand on how the acting helps to make this ride a bit more pleasurable.  Dafoe doesn’t get nearly enough screen time for my liking (although if I had it my way, it would be a one man movie starring Willem Dafoe), but what he does with him time is captivating, especially when you come to realize he ISN’T the bad guy for once.  His character is a southern man, nicknamed Elvis, and I’ll leave it at that.  Trust me, he just about makes it worth the price of admission.  Ethan Hawk, as mentioned earlier, plays Edward Dalton, a man torn by his sympathies towards humans and his obligation to his company and boss to find a solution to the blood scarcity.  Sam Neill is Charles Bromley, the hot shit head cheese of a major corporation that service specific vampire needs.  He also happens to be Dalton’s boss and is quite the motherfucker.  The rest of the cast is relative nobodies, but I found all the performances to be pretty on target in finding a balance between playing it straight enough to make this universe believable, but not overselling it to the point where it gets melodramatic and overly weighty.  There are even moments where some fun is had, and it seems like the Spierig Brothers haven’t lost that goofy and sharp sense of humor that is so evident in UNDEAD.  One thing that seemed to compress the acting was that 93 minute length of the flick, which meant that once the film really got its proverbial engines revved and red-lined, the sprint to the finish felt a bit too fast, and some of the richness of the characters was lost in the mad dash towards the endgame.  This most likely falls into the lap of the producers, studio, and editor however, not the actors and the Spierig Brothers.

Stuff bleeds real good in this movie.

Inside that hour and a half however, the Spierigs flex the muscles only people who have seen UNDEAD know they have.  Not only do they write and direct their movies together, they are also seasoned special effects creators, both of the practical and computer generated disciplines.  Often times, they will combine prosthetic effects and CGI (like in the scene pictures above) to create fairly convincing visuals that don’t look like too phony in either direction.  That being said, this film isn’t quite the gore show that UNDEAD allowed itself to be, but let it be known that there are some downright nasty scenes in this one, and when the blood does flow, it flows liberally.  Shifting from effects to lenses, the Spierigs also craft themselves a nice looking film, complete with lots of sterile looking scenes which paint the vampires, at least initially, as a much more organized and civil spin-off of humanity.  There is a lot of white and blue lighting and tidy organization to the environments the vampires have erected and furnished for themselves over the years, as if being orderly and docile in appearance and demeanor can make up for their savagery and nearly cannibalistic impulses they need indulge in for mere survival.  The film is paced pretty well, with my major grievance being that the finale is just a bit too rapid for my liking.  Some clever camera angles and flashy shots help to round out what otherwise is a pretty straightforward and smartly captured film.  Kudos to the Spierig for finding a middle-ground between the unabashed fun they had with UNDEAD, and the undoubtedly more restrictive world of “Hollywood” film making.

And you thought cocaine was expensive.

When Daybreakers came to a close, I felt like I wanted to see more from that vision, and that is normally a good thing in my book.  The world the Spierigs have shaped for themselves in Daybreakers is a really interesting one which I wouldn’t hesitate to dive into for a second time.  Granted, the story ends in a way where enough safe assumptions could be made and the book could be shut on the plight of the vampires, but there is enough stuff going on behind the scenes that it made want to see how far the Brothers Spierig could stretch out this idea.  As it stand now though, it is a find piece of quality mainstream horror/action/thriller fare that is very deserving of having genre vets and indie hounds sink their teeth into.

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

The dangers of fake suntan - mass suicides!

So, this mixtape, B-Videos 101, Vol.1, starts off with this really creepy looking old guy. Not only is he babbling on about the end of the world, but he sports an amazing fake tan.

Oh, wait, it’s just the Heavens Gate crackpot.

After a stop-motion toy shop orgy with dildos and inflatable dolls we get some old clips from The Daily Show followed by some mad preacher clips. I do like mad preacher clips.

After a clip of a dancing midget we get a rather hot contortionist chick dressed in a white leotard. Oh my!

Next… well, even this had me staring at the TV and thinking ‘what the fuck?!’ It’s a sex-ed video with a rather retarded looking girl asking about periods.

And remember: never trust anything that bleeds for days and doesn't die.

That’s right, periods. So for the next ten minutes we have her mother and sister explaining a Japanese flag to her. Very odd, but then we get to rock out to some KISS which is actually a news item about some God-squad nuts who were trying to get their concerts banned. Can I start a non-religious movement where we go around closing bibles and burning churches? Oh no, sorry, burning bibles and closing churches. Oops, my bad.

Dancing, deformed, strip-show anyone? I’m not even going to try and explain it. Behold:

Yes Alex, she does go topless...

After the half-way mark we get a couple of spoof ads, short films and animations oh, and a lengthy segment of what looks like The Osmonds doing Star Wars on stage. We finish with a rather arty chick who sticks paint up her ass and fires it at a wall, I should try that, might actually sell them.

If that's not paint, she needs to stop eating her veg with tomato sauce.

It’s a solid mixtape full of unusual weirdness (aka: retarded kid asking about periods) it’s only downside is that it’s obviously from the VHS era so the picture quality isn’t top-notch, but that didn’t bother me.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Captains Pride - Volume 33 (Restored)

With a short film, comes a short review. And with a film that only runs a ball hair’s width over six minutes, this won’t take long.

First, the inevitable IMDb/Internet info:         .

Yes, that’s right, a search for this movie draws a complete blank. The file I have is called Captains Pride Volume 33 Restored. That’s all I know about it. There’s no intro, no credits, nothing. Very odd, as whoever made this deserves some credit.

The first minute or so shows a girl, trapped in a cage. She’s then unceremoniously dragged from the cage kicking like a mule. Not screaming though. No Sir! But that’s probably because there’s no sound with this film.

The entire six minutes have nothing but old fashioned projector sounds ticking away. And, to give it more authenticity, the film makers have applied some effects to give it that old your-not-supposed-to-have/see-this look, which works quite well.

Once the girl is out of the cage she’s tied to a table (by a gentleman wearing a rather fetching Motorhead t-shirt), gets her ear lobbed off with an open razor by said man, gets raped (no nudity though) by another man who just happens to be wearing a rather dapper mexican wrestlers mask, she then gets her throat ripped open by the first guy, using a saw. Nasty!

The entire cast in one shot...

But that’s how we like it here at Midnight Showing, and this is a nice little short. The six minutes whizz past and kinda make me want more. I’m sure if these folks had maybe 30 minutes, even 90 minutes, they’d probably come up with some pretty special. Someone find out who these people are… I have questions, and I want answers.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Midnightshowing.com Presents Alex’s Top 10 (+1) movies of 2009 (In no particular order except for the top 2!) from Alex S on Vimeo.

The only screencap I could give without spoiling the surprise!

Sometimes the children aren’t the only ones who get what they want for Christmas…

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOqhqpBj5GE

You just know someone will make a zombie themed amusement park now.

For those who may have missed the internet hype machine for this flick, Zombieland is a zombie comedy (a Zombedy if you will) that mixes in some elements of the romantic comedy genre while telling the tale of a pair of polar opposite men who are doing the best they can to stay alive despite almost everyone else being undead.  Thin as it may sound, Zombieland manages to hit a fair amount of crisp, clean chords throughout its lean 88 minute run time and balances its humor, softer moments, and balls to the wall action set pieces well enough that the transitions between each never seems jarring.  Throw in a dynamite performance from one of Hollywood’s best kept secrets, none other than Woody Harrelson, and some really neat gags and gimmicks that put new spins on old mechanics of zombie cinema, and you have a flick that will have even the most cynical and jaded of genre fans cracking a smile.

I would give up a testicle to be half as cool as that man.

Zombieland’s greatest strengths come from unlikely sources, especially considering that the trailers and marketing used to promote the flick seemed to have won everyone over on first impressions alone.  The acting was the first aspect to jump out at me, quickly followed by a plot that, while without a definitive end, still managed to feel like it had a solid three act arc that moved alone at just the right pace.  Woody Harrelson is obviously the man in Zombieland, even though it’s up for debate as to whether or not he is the leading man or not.  The comedy swings back and forth from above-average to downright hysterical, but thankfully it never slips down to “Apatow, Will Ferrel and the rest of the people who have ruined comedy for the last 10 years” level.  It is relatively smart with some quick wit thrown in for good measure and it all flows very nicely, which is the core X factor to any good comedy.  The directing (handled by Ruben Fleischer in his first big mainstream directing gig) is swift and to the point.  His eye is always in the right place to catch all the action, and he doesn’t press to many buttons on the camera or fiddle with his images in post beyond adding some blood or the clever little “Rule” banners that pop in he film and pretty much explain how to survive the Zombie Apocalypse.  Across the board, all of my major concerns were really unfounded, and I was pleasantly surprised with how pleasant, professional, and refreshingly fun the whole movie felt.

Good rule dude!

For all my hemming and hawing, Zombieland has turned out, for me at least, to be one of the most enjoyable films of 2009 from top to bottom.  From the comedy, highlighted by a great cameo that doesn’t outstay it’s welcome, to the action (which could have used a touch more gore, but I understand it was not needed with the more lighthearted nature of the picture overall), to the more touching moments where the films raises a few interesting questions about humanity when it is faced with what amounts to its own extinction.  Zombieland is proof positive that big budget movies can tap into that indy spirit that drives movies like Dance of the Dead and Shaun of the Dead to become some well received cult classics with a fairly wide and timeless appeal.  Zombieland may not be the biggest and best roller-coaster in the park, but it’s the one your going to want to go on at least a few times and tell all your friends about.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Get 'em Woody.

A fantastic slice of years gone by when TV could be relied on to give us wonderful holiday treats like this one.  Well worth a watch and perfectly suited for both adults and children.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NqgidFIHw8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDpglhIhb5M

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLtGkyNGNuw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTNrH2-q_kY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aM0ejr2PFDU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnfs7qm2KdI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tj6rqnb-K1w

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNRYBpRjWJU

Didn't really help me out.

Satan’s little helper is a relatively new (2004 ) film that takes place on Halloween and looks to combine its own brand of irreverence and humor while working within the vague confines of a slasher picture.  The only problem is that it jumps around from idea to idea so much that the narrative becomes so muddled and disjointed the film is barely watchable a majority of the time.  Satan (who may actually be Satan or just a ruthless serial killer in disguise) is befriended by a young naive boy who is under the impression that his addictive video game, aptly titled Satan’s Little Helper, is something of a tutorial for how he should behave on Halloween.  Instead of going down the obvious path of a troubled and properly bullied young boy who uses his new monstrous friend to exact revenge, we get an hour and a half of scenes that all seem like they are ripped out of different movies with each of them just as out of place and incomprehensible as the last.  For all its tragic flaws, the spirit of the season and moments of pleasure do rise to the surface at times, but it feels more like an accident when this happens, instead of an intentional result.

If he was a pirate for Halloween, he wouldn't have this ninja problem.

Besides the plodding, meandering pace that drags everything about Satan’s Little Helper down, the acting is probably the number one culprit when pointing the finger of blame as to why this movie is, at times, completely insufferable.  Dougie, the little kid around which the story revolves is painfully annoying, and not in that charming, youthful way that countless other movies had gotten away with.  His big sister is also way to uneven and over the top and barely serves the basic of purpose of being the “attractive girl” in the movie.  The mother of those two children is just about the only one in the movie I didn’t want to see get run over by a truck, but that was more by default than anything.  Satan (see below) doesn’t speak at all, and his mime-like moves are novel at first, but quickly become just as awkward and played out as almost everything else the movie offers up by the 45 minute mark.  From a production standpoint, the film is more than serviceable with nice lighting and video quality, but that seems like a moot point when you factor in how little it does to elevate the watch-ability of this turdburger.  It is strange at times, and delightfully so, but just making a movie to be weird isn’t enough unless it has a traditional or time-tested narrative backbone to prop it up once the gimmicks wear off.  The villain is creepy enough, but seeing as how the highlights of any good slasher-esque film should be the eventual deaths, it is shocking to find that there are only something like 2 or 3 on screen deaths, and all of them are absolutely abysmal in quality, creativity, and execution.  I’m ok with some off screen and implied slayings, but when you do finally pull the trigger on showing us a murder, it should at least be mildly impressive, even if you have to copy the idea from another flick.

Satan has a sense of humor. Too bad this movie didn't.

It’s a shame that I decided to re-watch this film before I reviewed, because that is truly 95 minutes of my life I will never get back.  I have certainly seen worse films, and I reiterate the fact that there are moments where it all comes together for Satan’s Little helper and you see what could have been, but those moments are so few and far between that most won’t get to see them because they will be switching dvds to another, better film.  It doesn’t feel amateurish, or overly self-indulgent and self-important.  It just feels like a bad film that isn’t quite bad enough to be fun on a “this is so shitty it’s genius” level and it absolutely isn’t good enough to be recommendable to anyone but the bravest souls who want to say they have seen it all when it comes to Halloween framed pictures.  There just aren’t enough tricks up Satan’s sleeve to make this a treat, and there are times where I’d rather be biting into an apple with a razor blade in it instead of  sitting through the second and third acts.  You’ve been warned.

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

Oh, hey Jesus. Yeah I know, even you couldn't save this flick.