Çilgin kiz ve üç süper adam (aka: 3 Supermen and Mad Girl)

Normally, I would start my review with some pithy comments and an IMDb synopsis. Unfortunately, this movie is so rare (read: barking mad) that IMDb has literally nothing on it, and it took me some leet Google-ninja skills just to get the poster (left)!

Before I get in to the review I have to preface it with this: this movie is old, probably ripped from an old billionth generation VHS tape, in Turkish and (as if that’s not bad enough) has no subtitles/English what so ever. So without further ado, here’s what myself (Ronnie), Alex, and Erin could decypher from the film.

In a deep underground cave, some fit chick in a skimpy red outfit (and wearing Elton John’s reject glasses) is plotting some evil deeds.

Mad Girl - in her mad outfit, mad glasses and mad technology

Her boss seems to be some guy who’s wearing a two dollar mask and sits on his fat ass for the whole film, he’s maybe a cripple, but I can’t prove that.

Satan, 666 - I think that's what his mask cost him, $6.66

Their minions seem to be KKK Klansmen, but in green:

The henchmen - no seriously, it is!

… and their ultimate weapon seems to be a robot made out of cardboard boxes sprayed with silver paint:

ILM - eat your heart out...

We are then introduced to the first of the supermen, lying on a boat, surrounded by chicks while Tom Jones is playing in the background. Enter the other two goons supermen, the three of them dress up in red costumes (with black capes), branded with an ‘S’, and the tight outfits apparently make them bullet-proof.

The 3 'Supermen' - I use the term 'supermen' VERY loosely!

Our heroes then head off to a sleazy bar in their beetle. Fly? Heavens no. Why fly when they have their ‘Beetle Of Justice’ (™, Alex). Their car journey is accompanied by some fine circa 1970 organ music. Beautiful. After bitch-slapping one girl several times, she is shot by a henchman which causes an epic battle on a rooftop. Which seems to be about an envelope (or something).

One superman rescues a chick from a car (for reasons unknown) and she’s smitten by the Beetle Of Justice:

Behold! The Beetle Of Justice! *fanfare*

After another epic battle, one of the supermen is captured, put on a table and spun several times. As Erin said: obviously dizziness is his Kryponite.

One of several super-taint shots...

He is, eventually, rescued by the other supermen where we were so close to getting a good nudie scene, except for one little green fucker who interrupts. He deserves to die 1,000 deaths.

I hope that little green guy dies, he spoiled the potential nude scene. Bastard!

After the (near)naked chick is captured, our heroes (again) spring in to action in their hot-rod:

The Supermen to the (somewhat slow) rescue!

They are again in a scuffle, this time in a large expanse of grassy area. Obviously the sun must have been out that day as the entire screen is white and we can hardly see a damn thing.

The kidnapped chick is now tied up in Mad Girls underground lair. Kinky! After which we FINALLY, after fifty minutes of this nonsense, get to see some boobage:

Are they allowed to show boobs in Turkey?

After the supermen crash their entirely uneventful orgy of nothingness, Mad Girl is nearly captured! Gasp! But she manages to escape back to $2-mask-Satan. But unfortunately, for one of the supermen, the cardboard robot is set free! But fear not, it is disabled as Mad Girl heads back to her (kinky) dungeon to try and strangle the kidnapped chick with a large piece of chain. But the supermen crash this party too and save the day. Not only that, but someone finally phones the cops. They have police in Turkey? Well I’ll be…

But the evil protagonist isn’t done yet, he still has the all powerful robot of doom!

The evil robot, dubbed 'drill-do' by Alex

The movie finishes with the cops closing in on Mad Girl where she, and the evil old guy (whoever he is) are arrested.

Your nicked!

And so, the reign of Mad Girl (and Old Guy) has come to an end. But since it’s Turkey, I’m sure they’ll probably bribe their way out of prison to terrorise the 3 Supermen once again.

I just want to add that if you, the reader, think I’ve embelished the plot with superflous details to make it sound funny, I have NOT! All the stuff about them not flying, driving around, several superman taint shots (noticed by Erin I may add), making them dizzy… it’s all there! Honest! And when I say it was a billionth generation VHS, I’m not kidding:

This happened a few times throughout the film...

I have to say, this film was a barrell of laughs. So bad it was hilarious. It seems to be so obscure that clips of it aren’t even on YouTube. I’ll maybe put up one or two later.

The all important ratings:

Ronnies Rating: 5 out of 5 stars = 14 out of 5 (just to three-up Alex)

Erins Rating: 5 out of 5 stars = 8 out of 5

Alexs Rating: 5 out of 5 stars = 11 out of 5

UPDATE: don’t say we’re not good to you readers. I personally uploaded the first ten minutes of this superhero madness to YouTube, just for you. Yes, you. You personally!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziRJOICt8Mw

Need i say more?

And his name is Jason Constantine.  I mention him because on one of the DVD covers, it makes mention that this slasher comes to us from the producer of SAW 1 and 2.  What a hollow and shameless marketing ploy that turned out to be.  Most fans of the genre would see that, and be intrigued.  Sad for us however, that instead of even getting a passable slasher that could at least be considered a guilty pleasure, we served a hot steamy pile of poo that even the Sci-Fi channel would be embarrassed showing at 3 am on a Tuesday morning.

Even if you were stoned and drunk, hanging with your best buds and doing a bad movie marathon, you might want to overlook this.  I’m a very tolerant horror fan, and one things I’m even more lenient toward are slashers.  Why?  Because slashers are very difficult to make.  Pacing, a clever heavy (bad guy), a descent motivation for the killer, a good gimmick for your killer in the way he kills or where and how, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  Then you have to make sure you have somewhat likable characters that have to face-off against your villain, and somehow mix all this up and create tension and atmosphere on top.

It’s a tall order, and that’s why we see so many fail.

But even the “bad” ones still seem to have something offer.  Exceptional special effects, gore, and innovative kills can carry an entire movie, or even a series, to becoming successful.  Sometimes a great twist about who or what the killer is can make watching 90 minutes of “bleh” cinema completely worth it.  Or having a killer that the audience roots for instead of fears to make your film rise above it’s competitors.  Drive-Thru delivers none of these characteristics, and fails at following the tried and true formula of slasher movie making in general.

The plot concerns a vengeful guy (or spirit, were never told of course) in a “Horny the Clown” costume, fully imagined with a mouthpiece that distorts his voice just like those talk boxes in old run down burger joints, running around killing the children (all teenagers, how original) of the people who wound up killing him when he was a teenager when a prank went horribly wrong 20 years ago.

On paper, this isn’t exactly crippled from the start, but you got to expect that a sense of humor would be included to make such a plot, and such a ridiculous gimmick for a killer, easily digestible.  Wrong.  Besides a few stabs at republicans, the American government, epically failed pot and pot head humor, and trying to shit on the “O.C.” California lifestyle, Drive-Thru tries to play it straight.  None of the humor comes off as genuine, original or funny, and seems to be there just to fall in line with flavor of the week politics, trends, and habits that the youth they hope will buy this piece of shit will relate with.  Its obvious their target audience was the the anti-establishment kids, the kids who are sick of the “McWorld” we live in, but instead of making astute observations about how, fast food for instance, is a microcosm of our whole country and even world today, we are instead treated to one liners like “Fast food kills, fucker.”

How incredibly enlightening.

Delivering this poignant dialogue is a cast and crew full of nobodies, with the exception of Morgan Spurlock who has that “30 Days” show on F/X and did that “I’m gonna eat McDonalds every day for a month” or whatever movie.  Either the actors are to young and talentless to handle even these see through characters, as the case is with the main friend group who is terrorized by the killer clown, or they are just “I’m here for the paycheck” older actors and actresses who you probably have never seen before, and hopefully will never see again.  Throughout the whole ordeal, either over-acting or just not giving a shit is the two varieties of acting we get.  Great.

All this is nothing compared to the directing though.  It makes rap videos look like Titanic.  Every time someone is killed, the director feels its necessary to speed up and slow down the kill, seemingly at random, and BLAST really bad hard rock/heavy metal over top of it.  This means once you hear the butt rock kick in, any suspense and tension has been removed, as the fact that someone will die in the next few seconds is announced.  Not like the director has enough skill to even TRY to create tension and atmosphere.  Nowhere in Drive-Thru is their even an attempt at a stalk and kill sequence.  Sometimes people walk into a room and Horny the Clown pops out and kills them, but that’s about it.  Awesome job.

The kills and “gore” are all very poorly done.  Good violence can help almost any movie out, and apparently that memo wasn’t passed on to these filmmakers.  The kills just make you shake your head in how they are terribly executed and how talentless you have to be to not even be able to give your audience a serviceable pay off for sitting through your dreck.  Speaking of pay offs, the ending is so mishandled, it hurts to think about it.  It makes no sense, but does…somewhat…answer the “is it a man or a spirit” question, because somehow even though Horny the Clown is killed at the end, one of our main characters takes up the reigns and continues the slashing.  How they came to this conclusion I have no idea.  Unless there’s some brilliant plot revelation they will reveal to us in the sequel.  Have no doubt folks, someone will ressurrect this, and I’ll die a little inside when they do.

I could go on for a few pages slamming this film, but I won’t.  I honestly wanted to like this movie.  I want to like pretty much everything I see.  And indeed I did actually finish watching this movie, however much I now regret that decision.  If you are the most passionate and fanatical slasher freak out there, I still don’t suggest you even download this movie for free.  It’s not even worth the look to say “Yeah, I saw that.”  Avoid it like you would avoid watching a porno with a family member in it.

As for Jason Constantine, hopefully the paycheck for this was worth it, because he’s seriously got to redeem himself after allowing his name to be put on a movie he had know was this bad.