Saw VII (Saw 3D, 2010)

Saw VII (I refuse to acknowledge this 3D nonsense) is (allegedly!) the last in the Saw series.

I’ve been following Saw since those tantalizing previews of Saw hit the Interwebz, showing Amanda in the reverse bear trap (RBT) mask. So, seven years have passed, the story has spanned six previous films and this, the seventh, promises to wrap it all up. We’ll see…

Jigsaw (John) is long gone, he died a couple of movies ago, but his legacy has lived on in former (?) cop, Hoffman. But Jigsaw’s wife (Jill) knows more than she’s letting on and Hoffman needs to be rid of her. In Saw VII, Hoffman is out to take Jill out. But this is the last Saw movie, so what will happen to Hoffman? This is a spoiler free review, so you’ll have to watch the movie to find out.

There are more traps in Saw VII than in any other Saw film, more gore too if I’m not mistaken. One particular (car) trap springs to mind. A man is glued (literally!) to the drivers seat, the car is up on jacks and under the rear wheel is a womans head, she’s strapped to the floor. Behind the car is a second man, he’s all strapped up too. And, last but not least, in front of the car is another man. I shant tell you the outcome, but oh, there will be gore.

If, like me, you’ve been a slave to the Saw story then you’ll know what the expected outcome of Saw VII will be, considering that Dr. Gordon makes a rare appearance. No, he’s not been behind it all! I’d hoped they’d pull a rabbit out of the hat and have a more unexpected ending, but at least it confirms/denies much of the speculation that’s been ongoing now for several years, but it’s good to bring it all to an end.

There was a lot of blood, plenty of scenes to make you winch, and a ton of gore, so I’d say it’s gone out with a bang.

So… when’s that prequel getting made?

I’m kidding, I’m kidding!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

OK, by rights this is a ridiculous idea that should have me turning off my TV. But I’m the curious sort, and I do like anything non-Hollywood.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence, no less!) is from the Netherlands. But, the main character is German. The two girls are American. And the other guy is Japanese. So, you can’t say there’s no global appeal there…

The basic plot is of a mad German doctor/surgeon who is an expert with siamese twins, problem is… he’s flipped his lid and wants to take ordinary people and make them siamese, well three of them… to a centipede.

First things first, the German doctor/surgeon is as mad as a box of frogs and is brilliantly played by Dieter Laser. He IS your stereotypical mad Nazi surgeon, right down to the whip and jackboots, seriously. The victims do their jobs quite well considering that for most of the film the two girls mumble. Well, you would too if your mouth was stapled to someone’s ass.

You see, our mad German friend has already practiced on his own three rottweiler dogs and now wants to up the ante to humans. He abducts a truck driver, doesn’t think he’s suitable so bumps him off and buries him in the garden. Two dippy American chicks get lost while on holiday in the Fatherland and turn up the Dr’s house. After feeding them Alex’s secret potion, sorry I mean: Rohypnol, they are tied to beds. The good Dr acquires a new chap and he’s (luckily?) chosen to be the front of the centipede. So, as they lie there, tied to beds, the doctor does a fine slide presentation to them about how they’ll be joined from ass to mouth and when A is fed, the food will pass… well, I’m sure you can guess the rest.

The good Doctor and his human centipede. In this scene, he's going to teach the centipede to fetch his newspaper and bring it to him. No, seriously, he is... I'm not making it up, I SWEAR!

We really don’t see much in the way of gore in the film, but we do see the ‘subjects’ being prepared then as the centipede. But there are some sick SICK scenes in the movie.

Here he squeezes some puss from the facial wound of subject C - from this he determines that she is sick. NO SHIT Hitler!

In the snippet above, the Dr squeezes puss from the last persons wound, gives it a sniff, and determines that she is, in fact, sick. Possibly dying. Seeing puss squeezed from a stapled up wound even made me cringe. Eugh!

The scene where the guy in front decides he needs to take a dump is… well, psychological to the viewer. While the good Doctor dances with great glee at one section ‘feeding’ the other. Bizarre to say the least.

The special effects are basic, some face pieces to make it look like they’re stitched together, but most of the doctors handiwork is hidden by bandages. Probably for the best.

I really didn’t expect much from this film, but it delivered in spades. It’s a VERY dark horror comedy, with the comedy being provided by the comments made by the mad German doctor. We find them funny, but he’s quite serious about things.

If you want a film that’ll make you say ‘what the…’ several times, then this is the one. Definitely one I’d show to someone just to hear their comments on it.

Oh, and (according to IMDb) there will be a Human Centipede (Full Sequence) in 2011. I’m not sure how they’ll work it, but I’ll certainly be looking out for it!

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

Gotta love that tagline.

Dellamorte Dellamore (translated to Of Death Of Love, which can then be easily jumbled around to Love of the Dead) is a title better known to most American audiences as Cemetery Man.  Regardless of which title you prefer to adopt for it however, it is a film that is widely considered by horror aficionados as the last great Italian horror film, and in particular the last standout zombie picture in the long lineage of the countries contributions to the sub genre.  While Fulci and his peers were busy pushing the limits of on screen violence and nurturing the inherit apocalyptic nature of the dead coming back to life, writer/journalist/novelist Tiziano Sclavi was hard at work on what we might call a comic book series called Dylan Dog about an investigator who looked into nightmares.  As with anything that is held in even remotely high regard in print, it was loosely adapted for the silver screen.  While that history is certainly interesting, and may even give insight into the wildly surreal and dream like qualities of Cemetery Man, it isn’t vital to enjoying and thinking critically about the movie itself.  What is of utmost importance is the ability to just go with the quite jarring and constantly morphing flow of the picture, allowing yourself and your imagination to free associate the many clues and symbols embedded within the flick, and let your mind fill in the gaps that arise from its sordid and often misconstrued storytelling methods.

Our story is, at its base, one of a cemetery keeper who has not only the nasty chore of burying the recently deceased, but keeping them under the pounds of dirt he shovels on top of them.  See, Francesco Dellamorte (an ironic name that even the character pokes fun at in the very beginning of the film) battles zombies almost nightly, and with his trusty revolver and spade, and the assistance of his near mute helper Gnagi, he keeps the tenants of Buffalora cemetery within the gates by either shooting them in the head, or driving objects through their rotting skulls.  For a horror movie, this is more than enough to justify a standard 90 minute run time, but what makes Cemetery Man  so interesting and open to interpretation is that it is a film with films inside it.  There are love stories for both of our flawed and damaged reluctant heroes (Gnagi and Frances), there is a ingeniously deceptive detective story complete with twist, and then there is the ultimate question that plagues any intellectual viewer of this movie.  Where on Earth, or outside of Earth, is this all taking place?  Before I throw down my loose theories about the messages and mysteries contained within, let me first analyze it as a piece of  horror entertainment.

This is exactly how I open my door.

Cemetery Man leans heavily on the acting of its male lead Rupert Everett, which is a good thing considering he does a magnificent job conveying the many facets of Frances without the movie or the character ever coughing up any major information as to his personal history.  Besides mentioning that he doesn’t read much and never finished high school, we are instead treated to my personal favorite of all methods for establishing a characters motives, values, and even their beliefs.  The method is simply his actions.  His movements, the way he expresses his emotions and treats those close to him, and almost every other behavior all compiles together into giving us a better understanding of Frances, and if you take the plunge and see this movie (or watch it again, which I also highly recommend) you will learn that understanding Frances may be the key to understanding the film as a whole.  Outside of our enigmatic lead, Anna Falchi also graces the screen with her unique beauty, and brings some acting and modeling credentials to the multiple characters she plays, all of whom are cryptically named as “She” only.  She may not be the best actress, and at times it seems like either she is being subtly dubbed or having a hard time speaking perfect English (she is Italian after all), but for what her characters demand, it seemed fitting that someone who is beautiful, but not in a conventional sense, would play those parts.  In particular, I noticed that her eyes and eye make up changed for each of her 3 “shes” she plays, which may denote a change in the film itself, perhaps opening another chapter every time she reappears.  Gnagi, played by François Hadji-Lazaro, also lends a great deal of depth to the set of personalities on screen, and without hardly muttering any words, and not a full sentence until the very end of the picture, manages to serve as the loyal, but sometimes useless, compatriot to Frances.  He is there with him through thick and thin, and seems to serve as a reminder to Frances that even as along as he feels, he never truly is completely alone.  The rest of the supporting cast are all good, but they get nearly as much time and dialogue as these 3 do, which means that I don’t feel the need to elaborate on their fine performances.  But trust me, they are all well beyond adequate, and in the odd case there is someone you don’t particularly like, don’t worry, they will be dead soon enough.

Frances and "She" spending some quality time in the ossuary.

Michele Soavi (who directed another one of my favorite horror flicks of all time, Stagefright), with competent acting in hand, wastes no time in unraveling his surreal and morbid vision.  The pacing of the film is incredible, surrendering the typical pseudo-tension found in most horror flicks for an off-beat but blistering tempo that is always striking you with violence, sex, dark twisted comedy, or a combination of those 3.  Soavi comes off as a fan and student of the Italian Spaghetti horror films that dominated the underground and foreign markets for much of the 80′s, while at the same time balancing the tragic and dreamy mind fuck that is the narrative.  As I mentioned earlier, it seems like there is at least two movies being told at once, with the major determining factor between the two being the night and day cycle, as well as the lighting and the soundtrack changes.  Night time looks amazingly detailed, never suffering from “I can’t see SHIT” disease that I hate with a every fiber of my being.  Soavi also employs some clever POV shots, usually from the perspective of the dead or soon to be dead person in the scene.  It is used just enough to cement it as a legitimate tool in Soavis directing arsenal, but is done with enough restraint to not come off as a simple gimmick.  If you are a fan of European architecture with a Gothic flair to it, the scenes within the cemetery and surrounding area are sure to please you.  The film really shines during the night scenes more so than the day, and it reeks of a perfect unison between director, cinematographer, and photographer, who all seemed to understand how to make scenes not only look beautifully lit and well composed, but dark, eerie, and other worldly all at the same time.  This is without a doubt one of the most visually arresting horror movies I’ve ever seen, and maybe the best to date.

One of the clever POV shots in the film.

While it is commonplace in modern cinema to have sound effects and a inappropriately loud and obnoxious soundtrack or score dominant the dialogue of a film, it wasn’t so common even up through the mid 90′s.  The sound in Cemetery Man will probably sound dated to most, but then again you can say that the sound in JAWS is dated, in which my response to both is fuck you.  Gunshots are clear and sound as if they are being shot from a gun that has been shot many times before.  The soundtrack deliberately switches many times in order to extract or set a mood for a particular scene.  The dialogue also comes off fairly clean, although it could have been more crisp, but we will chalk that up to it not being a production that was not made on an astronomically large budget.  Whatever mild sins may have been committed by the available technology in the audio department are surely made up for by the special effects and visuals ten fold.  The blood and gore is incredibly visceral and strong, and Soavi shows confidence in his splatter man when he doesn’t jerk his camera away from head shots and other grisly images.  Speaking of which, this may be the movie with the most head shots I have ever personally seen, and each one looks more dynamite than the last.  Lighting, set design, filter choices, costumes and make up are all top notch and don’t feel dated or cheesy in the slightest.  If this movie were made in America, you would be able to spot the outdated attire and social wear from a mile away, but since this movie is a European production, the clothes have much more of a timeless and classic feel.  Same goes for the locations.  Beautiful architecture really helps set the stage, and the cemetery itself seems full of wondrous little alleys and coves begging to be explored.  It looks like the kind of movie you want to jump right into just to walk around and explore it.

Goodbye Boy Scout. Send the girls back with some cookies.

Cemetery Man is, or at least was for me, an answer to many wishes when it comes to my beloved zombie sub genre.  It is fast paced,never boring and it combines trippy, almost hallucinogenic visuals with classic elements of European horror film making.  It is unapologetic in its cryptic nature, which some have unfairly dubbed as simply confusing, and it is a startling example of how to try an add depth to something that could have existing solely on its surface values.  If you consider yourself a zombie film fan, or even a horror fan in general, and you haven’t seen this, you should do so immediately.  It belongs within every conversation about horror, especially if the conversation is about classics of the 90′s, and can even be looked at (as I do below, beware though it is full of spoilers) in an analytical sense if you are so inclined to try and figure out what is really happening.  Either way, don’t let this one sit there in your “Yeah, I’ll get around to it” pile.  You’ll learn to Love the Dead.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

Fuck, that is an awesome giant puppet.

BONUS THEORIES!

Now onto my theories about the actual meaning and psychology behind the film.  If you haven’t yet watched it, I suggest you do at this point.  Cemetery man at first struck me as a story of a man in purgatory or hell, who is meant to learn about the differences between life and death (see his short talk with the death stature towards the end of the film for confirmation of this) or maybe even life itself while he himself rots in a cemetery where he must “re-kill” the undead.  The “She” character could easily be seen as the Devil, as every time she pops up, Frances sets himself back further from learning anything from his mistakes as he takes the bait on her “love” and pays dearly for it every time.  Outside of a religious context to the tale, there is also the possibility that Frances has a very vivid imagination, and that isolation, besides his friend Gnagi who could ALSO be seen as just an elaborate hallucination, has started to play tricks on his mind to the point where he truly believes the dead rise up from the ground and that it is his job to put down the “Returners” as he so eloquently puts it.  There is also the possibility that whenever night time comes along, what happens during the dark is a dream, and maybe he sleepwalks and acts out his dreams.  Of course, these are all just theories, each one having massive holes in them, and would welcome anyone to help me formulate an airtight meaning to this very cryptic gem I love so dearly and hold close to my horror loving heart.

END OF BULLSHIT THEORIES!

The Devil? Perhaps.

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Now playing: Nadja – Clinging To The Edge Of The Sky
via FoxyTunes

Dr. Panayiotis Zavos - a REAL mad scientist! Yay!

(ABC News) A controversial fertility doctor claims to have cloned human embryos and implanted them into four women’s wombs. And while none of 11 embryos he claims to have cloned resulted in a viable pregnancy, Dr. Panayiotis Zavos said he’ll continue trying to clone a human embryo.

“We managed to write chapter one. Chapter two, we will have a child a parent can take home and raise as a cloned child,” Zavos said.

His hope is that the birth of the first human clone is just a few years away.

On the Brink of Cloning Humans?

Zavos story may sound like a science fiction tale, but he claims it’s all true. Zavos said he cloned 14 embryos, but only implanted 11. The procedures were recorded for a documentary that aired Wednesday on the Discovery Channel in Britain.

Scientists have cloned human embryos in test tubes in order to harvest stem cells, but Zavos has done what is considered taboo — actually implanting the embryos.

Both the pope and President Obama have denounced human cloning.

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Like anyone gives a rats ass if the pope and Obama are against it? The only reason I’m for human cloning is that I want to see some mutant kids.

Yeah, I know Batman isn’t a Marvel Hero and he doesn’t fit, but he’s the Dark Knight, how could I deny him?

But seriously, if anyone out there in Hollywood needs someone to tell you how to make a proper comic book superhero movie or a great movie trailer, Alex a.k.a. Bulldozer86 on Midnight Showing is avaiable for a small fee.  Also, I always work with a smile on my face, so that is a bonus, free of charge.

BONUS VIDEO!!!!!!!!!

The goriest work safety video I have ever seen.  It’s also unintentionally hilarious.  The matrix-like “nail” scene is fantastic.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAnAaFgjiiA

Saw V

Readers of this blog will know that I am a self-confessed Saw fanboy. So I was eager to see how the Saw franchise would move forward with the death of it’s leading character.

Fear not dear reader, this review will be spoiler free, I will not be giving away any new plot details, I promise!

Saw V begins with a quick review of what we found out at the end of Saw IV, that Jigsaw is dead, Strahm is trapped in a room and the other players from IV are also dead. The only survivor is Hoffman.

Saw V starts with the pendulum trap that we saw in one of the first clips released. V spends half of its time jumping back and forth between the past explaining stuff (‘stuff’ that I shan’t expand upon), and the present, with five new players in a trap. This is the ‘five will become one’ clip that was circulating before the release of V.

A lot of questions are answered in Saw V, but – true to the series – more questions arise as the movie trundles along. Speaking of which, I found the first twenty or so minutes quite slow, but – true to form – picked up pace. This is definitely more of a story Saw, than a gore Saw.

‘You won’t believe how it ends‘ say all the posters. Well, I obviously won’t give away the ending, but it’s hardly earth shattering – still a nice twist though.

I breath a sigh of relief and say: I like Saw V, I’m still a fan. And well done Mr Hackl too, his first full film as a Director, and it looks good… has the continuity of Saw I – IV (hardly surprising since Hackl practically is Jigsaw!), it’s dark, nicely lit and gory when it needs to be.

I just worry that there’s an outsider lined up to Direct Saw VI. Oh well, won’t be long now ’til Oct ’09…

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1132626/]