While hanging out at makeout point in their small college town, even though they have apartments, Debbie (Suzanne Snyder) and  Mike (Grant Cramer) see a UFO land. Debbie convinces Mike to go looking for it, and it’s a giant freaking  red and yellow circus tent that has landed in a clearing. Bad tripping ensues as they get into the ship and find some people they know dead and coccooned in pink cotton candy.

They rush off to get the cops. One cop, Mooney, is the requisite asshole ( played by John “Dean Wormer” Vernon) and the other, Dave (John Allen Nelson), is conveniently Debbie’s ex-flame.  Mooney thinks the clown story is a hoax and doesn’t believe it until he gets killed by some clowns. Later the ghost of his head pops out of a clown’s ass in a classic scene.

Dave knows Debbie wouldn’t make something like alien clowns up and agrees to check it out. Dave and Mike  insist on taking Debbie home for safety but in her bathroom some popcorn the clowns back at the ship shot at her from their giant trippy guns turns into more monsters. Most of the movie involves Mike trying to get back to Debbie while people all over town get turned into clown coccoon milkshakes; the clowns hang them up ’til they’re ready and then drink their liquefied remains with a huge twisty straw. Obviously.

Later we get some stop-motion animation, which is inherently creepy while being fun to look at, and deadly shadow puppets. The clowns never break from their running gag of being playfully evil. Another high point is the late night parade of clowns. The kills that don’t involve the major characters move along in a stream of consciousness fashion making the movie a relaxing mindless pleasure. Typical of movies of the time, the filmmakers don’t waste time with an explanation of each scene or set of characters.

The most 80s deluxe part to me is the characters of the two bumbling brothers (Michael Siegel and Peter Licassi) who drive an ice cream truck in a scheme to get laid. Only in an 80s comedy! It does get them laid,  but not in the way you expect, but that small victory ends up saving everyone’s lives when Debbie, Mike and Dave get stuck on one of the clown spaceships yet again. I miss those types of characters like the brothers, those two dimensional jerks who move the plot along and wrap it up as conveniently as the now-overused twist ending.

I’d like to bottle this movie and spray its essence onto a few modern original screenplays. It has elements I didn’t recognize (but miss now they’ve gone) when I was watching movies like this in the 80s, like the absurdly rough biker bar, the story that takes place all in one night, the fact that even though the movie is completely stupid the director doesn’t assume we are, the actors who were good looking but didn’t look like they had been experimented on by evil surgeons, and the clowns that the general public didn’t have a damn phobia of yet.

Killer Klowns From Outer Space might be the rare 80s movie that won’t get remade since so many people claim to have a clown phobia. I mean, I’m sure if I met these clowns I’d become coulrophobic with a quickness, but the movie isn’t scary. Since an alien clown invasion isn’t likely, I can enjoy this as a good ol’ dumb comedy. 3.5 stars.

Woman just got deadlier, if that's even possible.

Jake West is quickly becoming one of my favorite British” horrody” directors (that’s a word I made up for horror comedies, do you think it will stick?).  My love affair began when I saw Evil Aliens (review forthcoming) and has now been cemented by his latest offering Doghouse.  Where Evil Aliens was a splatterific sci-fi horror mash-up that simultaneously payed homage to and poked fun at a dozen or so movie conventions we all know, love, and loathe, Doghouse sees West moving in on profound territory, the same way that Shaun of the Dead saw Frost, Pegg, Wright mature in their ability to both stir up nostalgia and unbridled fun while coating their narrative with a unique sentiment about the nature of companionship, both friendly and romantic.  West takes a more controversial approach however, borrowing some notions about the bonds that are shared between a group of 20 something guys, while pitting them against a village mostly populated by women that have been the test site for a particularly sexist government experiment that turns women in rabid cannibal zombie-types who crave the flesh of men only.  Finally, a horror film without a “Final Girl.”

Sorry guys, she's married.

If you didn’t catch all that, allow to recap briefly the synopsis of our fair tale.  A group of guys, who are generally at odds and different stages with the opposite sex, plan a trip to a village out in the boonies to help a friend overcome his recent divorce.  When they arrive, the quiet village is all too quiet, and they soon realize that just about every man is dead, the military was recently present in the area, and all women have turned in fem-zombies who have a single item on their menu…men.  It is here where West takes his first stand by managing to avoid the obvious misogynist jokes and tendencies by giving our squad of males many quirks and shortcomings which make their battle with the mutated lady things all the more interesting, and more importantly, hilarious.  There’s a comic book store owner/nerd who sees this as an opportunity to live out an Evil Dead like fantasy about locking wits and weapons with the undead.  There is a chauvinist who truly believes he is the universe’s gift to women, while all indicators point to the opposite, and so on.  They are all introduced quickly in the opening montage, which shows in just a few seconds what type of guy they are.  Once the stage is set, and we are all properly introduced to the players, the real fun begins.  West not only has a wonderfully talented cast to direct (the acting is grade A, much much better than even I was expecting, and I already had high hopes for this one), but also a gauntlet of obstacles for them to overcome which lends itself nicely to some ingenuity as far as weapon choice and creation and some very intricate situational humor.  I won’t go into detail here about the ways they navigate through the village while avoiding detection and certain doom, but rest assured you will get a few chuckles at the very least.  The acting is prime, and the pacing is never dull, but if I have to level one legitimate complaint about Doghouse, it would be that the final few frames leave a little too much to the imagination of the viewer.  It doesn’t ruin the film, especially since Doghouse isn’t a horror movie that is fixated on the finish line, it is instead all about the ride their and how fun that is, but a greater sense of absolute closure or…non-closure wouldn’t have been out of place for such a definite, grounded film.  Still, that’s trying to find things to nitpick in an otherwise vast sea of general praise.

You're supposed to hang the clothes up to dry after the person takes them off. Silly zombie women.

Besides being a fan of the interplay of horror and comedy (and being one of the recent masters of the trade), Jake West is also a guru of gore.  Specifically, how to use gore as both a visceral intensifier of violence and slapstick style humor gags.  There are times in Doghouse where the weak-stomached might go “EWWW” at a scene, only to turn around and laugh hysterically at another kill that is played off more like a joke.  West really juggles this well, flip-flopping between the more light-hearted moments and the downbeat serious ones.  His eye for angles and camerawork never gets in the way either, and his flashiest moments are in the first 10 or so minutes, when he plays with filters and stop screens for a while, before settling into observer mode without much interference in the form of trying to being overly fancy or stylish.  The lightning, which looks mostly natural during the daytime and not overpowering at night helps to give the overall production value the sleek, slick, and professional look this film has from start to finish.  As far as audio, I didn’t pay much attention to the score, but when it popped to the foreground, it never felt out of place, which is always a plus.  Cars, decapitations, golf clubs and the like all pack an appropriate wallop and voices are crystal clear, which is a major benefit seeing as how almost all the humor is embedded deep within snappy conversations.  And finally, the gore is great while not being quite copious as I thought it was going to be.  When it hits though, it lands with KO force.

You know exactly where this is going, and yes it's fucking hilarious. TAKE THAT YOU OLD BITTY!

Jake West has crafted himself yet another winner, and the first real return to form for him since Evil Aliens.  The British setting and cadence helps to give this twisted yarn about the war of sexes some much-needed levity and class, something that would have been rather unobtainable on my side of the pond.  West is showing every sign of becoming a more dangerous director in the horror ranks, and Doghouse shows that he has incorporated more lofty ideals and concepts into his already exemplary understanding of the very core values and mechanics of our beloved genre.  He can make you laugh, squirm a bit, and now he is even showing that he can even make you think for a second or two.  Leave the lady friend out when you watch this one (who am I kidding, no one who writes for Midnight Showing or reads this drivel has a damn girlfriend).

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

The roaming gnome is a MURDERER.

The Orkin man is in high demand...wait...he's probably dead.

Infestation is the latest contestant in the game of horror and comedy hybrid films.  While this isn’t a particularly new niche, I feel it would be safe to say that sometime in the mid early to mid 00′s, around the same time Shaun of the Dead began slaying audiences, there has been new life shot into the sub-genre, with results that vary from inspired to shameless (I’ll let you decide which movies go in which category there).   Instead of zombies, Infestation uses giant bugs as the threat to mankind, and follows a small and quirky bunch of survivors as they awake from their cocoons and devise a plan to dispatch of their unwelcome guests.  It isn’t rocket science, and the film wastes little with arguing about where or how these things came to be.  Instead, they plunge us into situational comedy, smart ass remarks, and insectoid action.  What gives it its charm is the witty dialogue, blitzkrieg pace, and a cast of general unknowns who are very amicable.  Infestation isn’t a movie that will break boundaries or rewrite the rules of the horror/comedy cinematic relationship, but it should entertain you for the entirety of the 90 minute run time, and give you a few good chuckles and satisfaction along the way.

THAT is a bad day at the office.

Writer and director Kyle Rankin has put to good use the set of precedents laid before him for a majority of the last decade.  As mentioned before, Shaun of the Dead deserves a nod here, and some of the style that made that such a hit is certainly evident in Infestation.  Maybe a bigger nod should go to Slither however, which is more in line with its sci-fi tinge to its narrative and the brisk pace which doesn’t involve itself to heavily around elements taken from romantic comedies.  Infestation isn’t without its romance subplot but there is also a suitably warm message about family in there, as well as being yourself in the face of a society that demands, quietly, that you conform to its standards or suffer the consequences.  Kyle Rankin reigns in these thoughts and notions, but never allows them to run over the comedy and the action, which are his primary concerns, and rightfully so.  His writing is snappy and quick, and its obvious he knows how to make an audience like or hate a character quickly.  Without spoiling some of the small surprises, there are also character traits and…lack of abilities, shall we say, that are not only interesting, but of vital importance down the road.  You’ll know when I’m talking about here when you see it.  As far as his directing goes, the highest compliment I can pay the man is that he doesn’t pussy-foot around or pad time with scenes that only slow a piece down.  His lighting is bright, as 90% of the film takes place during the day (which is a nice departure from the norm I must say) and he does his best to hide the so-so cgi from being a total eyesore and distraction.  My usual concerns over CGI apply here, as they always do, but I can’t really fault the man since the flick looks like it was made for around or under 10 million (just a guesstimate) and in order to capture some of the scope of his “invasion”, there was probably no way to do it practically and keep the budget tight.  Rankins keeps his camera on his talent most of the time, giving us glimpes of the bugs along with actors in the shot.  It is a simple move, but it helps create a smidgen of believability and keeps us from having our complete attention drawn to the ho-hum computer graphics.

This guy who be one hell of a basketball player.

With the lens being pointing at the humans most of the time, it’s my pleasure to tell you that the actors do much more than hold their own.  Chris Marquette (Alpha Dog, The Girl Next Door) and Brooke Nevin (I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer) lead the pack as our two main interests and fill in the role of attractive 20 somethings whose battle of wits and budding romantic tension perfectly.  Almost everyone in this movie has a few good smarmy lines, but these two get to do a bulk of the shit talking, mostly between one another.  We get unlikely heroes and nice little twists involving pre-invasion time frame which our characters had forgotten due to yet another clever power the bugs have, but to cut back to Rankin for a second, he manages to squeeze a lot of these actors, and it shows.  There are moments where our survivors must make tough decisions thanks to some nice little swerves and twists in the plot, and the handling of these diversions is often just as pivotal as the twist itself.  Thankfully, it all makes sense, characters don’t sacrifice who they are or what their persona’s are about just to please the script, and for those characters with an evolution their progression makes total sense.  I can’t really say too much more without giving some of the fun away of seeing it for yourself, so I’ll move onto wrapping this review up for y’all. =)

Just checking for a pulse...oops, well now we know there isn't one for sure.

Perched somewhere between too good for a sci-fi channel Saturday night movie premiere and not quite good enough to really make a killing at the box office, Infestation seems like one of those happy little exceptions to the rule when it comes to straight-to-dvd genre releases (they usually suck balls).  It’s quick, not very emotionally taxing, has a GREAT ending (and hell no I am not going to ruin that for ya) and is always funny, action-packed, or both.  In a year that has been seeing sci-fi cinema rule the roost (Star Trek, District 9, etc), it’s nice to see a smaller film pop up that, I think, has the charm and ingenuity to be quite successful, and hopefully land Writer/Director Kyle Rankin some larger, more ambitious work.  Smart, snappy, and dare I even say cute in places, Infestation has all the qualities to get under your skin in a big way.  No need for an exterminator here (shit, did I already make that joke?).

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

"Oh yeah, big bugs. Oh shit they FLY NOW? Damnit."

The upside is, zombies are probably cheap dates and they can't say no.

Night of the Creeps (or just Creeps for short) straddles the line between what I feel is too popular to review, and what is under the radar enough to write about.  If you haven’t noticed, I rarely write anything about movies that already have established a strong set of fair and thorough reviews online.  Creeps however, has seen a boom in popularity and visibility in the Internet era, mostly due to the fact that it has yet to be released on DVD so many turn to the web for info and access to rare cinema.  But thanks to endless efforts of the piracy generation, Creeps remains watchable in many places on the web, which is very fortunate considering that this movie is easily, and beyond any shadow of a doubt, one of the best movies not only of 80′s, but of the entire genre as a whole.

Fred Dekker, who both wrote and directed this gem, seamlessly combines unbridled appreciation for the genre as well as mixing in elements that “spoof” the many trends he saw being beaten to death by the explosion of horror clones and cliches that erupted during the 80′s.  In modern times, spoof has become a dirty word (thanks for ruining the lineage, Scary Movie), but Dekker shows that poking fun at something doesn’t mean you can’t, yourself, make a great movie full of heart and homages to the icons of the very film community you are lampooning.  This is nowhere more obvious than in the names of many of the characters in the film, which range from Cynthia Cronenberg,  Christopher Romero, to Detective Sergeant Raimi.

Oh geese, if Roger Corman did ever open a school, it would no doubt be along the Devil's Highway. One of many inside jokes to be found in Night of the Creeps.

Speaking of the characters, these may be some of the best, and funniest, of the horror class.  Dekker has balanced the two accepted methods of character development, the first of which being back story and character to character exposition.  The second, and the more difficult to pull off, is letting the characters actions and behaviors define and legitimize them.  Of course, without good acting, this is nigh impossible.  Genre vet Tom Atkins shows up as the haunted and disgruntled cop and does a great job at adding levity and back story to the nameless college town.  Much credit must also be given to Jason Lively, Steve Marshall, and Jill Whitlow, who turn what could have easily been flat, two dimensional college kids trying to find themselves into likable, mature, and often deep on-screen persona’s who help to drive home both the surface action and events, and the messages that Dekker has implanted within his wildly efficient script.  The rest of the cast does a wonderful job of bringing to life the more stereotypical characters, with the two noteworthy bit parts being played by David Paymer and Dick Miller.  It’s rare that good to great acting and rapid fire, natural feeling dialogue come together in something as unsuspecting as a “horror movie”, but Creeps is proof positive that movie class limitations are never all enclusive, and that exceptions exist and can still hold up to its past contemporaries, as well as its modern day ones.

I was going to make a Walt Disney joke here, but the movie actually does that in this scene. Gotta love the 80's idea of futuristic science and labs, which seem to be purple or blue lighting, and many buttons blinking arbitrarily.

Dekker, in his first voyage behind the camera, makes amazing use of every bit of his ephemeral 1 hour and 28 minute run time.  Creeps never gives you a second to become bored, and Dekker manages to cram a ghost story, a slasher story, a love story, a coming of age story, a friendship story, a parasite alien story, and a zombie story into one movie without losing sight of any of the many strands of narrative he has weaved.   Normally, when a movie tries to do this much, it winds up finding itself lost trying to fuse together too many different types of pacing and thematic motifs.  Dekker however, seems to have viewed this as little more than an old wives tale, as he masterfully throws together all the major brands of genre film into one pot, deriving the best that each has to offer, while keeping some of the charming flaws intact in order to either use them for a comedy piece, or just as a humble and loving tribute to the flicks that he himself must have been very fond of.  Dekker’s directing comes off as a delicate mid-point between being both a fan of the groundbreaking and popular films and filmmakers that came before him, as well as being a student of what made those pictures so legendary and appealing to both himself and the masses.  Lighting and pacing are of the highest order, and Dekker never falls victim to bad nighttime shooting or lingering on scenes or shots that just don’t require that much focus.  His lens is mainly an observer, but there are moments when he uses a bit of flash to put emphasis on a particular scene.  Dekker also shows great understanding on how to shoot an action sequence, of which Creeps has a few, and he also knows how to built up to and deliver a satisfying payoff to his audience without leaving them feeling cheated in the slightest.  I could go on and on about how Dekker really  knocked this one out of the park, but I will instead just say that he indeed did shoot a great looking film that has no glaring flaws and moves like a speeding train.

Thrill me.

The technical package from Creeps is nothing short of sublime.  The already mentioned lightning is superb, but alongside this are some dynamite effects and tight audio.  The soundtrack doesn’t really stand out, besides clever use of some 50′s pop standards like “Smoke Gets in your Eye” to set the mood in the beginning and also forewarn of more danger during the final few scenes.  I am fine with the fact it doesn’t stand out, since the dialogue is so snappy, witty, and razor sharp that it would be a shame for music to overshadow that strength.  Visually, the picture is very crisp and clean, obviously aided by Dekker’s careful eye in framing and presenting shots that show the audience in crystal clarity everything you need to see.  The blood, gore, and special effects are entirely of the practical variety, meaning those of us who love rubber, latex, and Karo syrup can rejoice.  Thankfully, the R Rating means that exploding heads, heads blown up by flamethrowers (has to be seen to be believed), grisly bullet hits and like are all unhampered by the crutch of modern day computing technology and other such bullshit, cop-out wankery.  Creeps looks spotless, boasts some awesome special effects that don’t shy away from the more hardcore gore, and music knthat ows when to move to the forefront, and when to stay in the back and subtly do its job.

So...is that what a splitting headache looks like? I know, that joke sucked. I'll be over here in the corner, killing myself.

Night of the Creeps may have a devoud, cult-like following, but I feel if even one more person read this review and hunts it down and watches it, then it is a success.  Dekker and company have crafted film(s) within films here, with clever jokes hidden throughout (see if you can spot the Monster Squad reference and always look at posters and books in the main characters living spaces) and a breakneck pace that is always busy assaulting the viewer with something worth paying attention too.  It manages to coral many subplots and thematic devices, while telling two main stories (The “two geeks” story and the detectives story), each so good and thorough they could have been separate movies.  The acting seems otherworldly it’s so good, and the special effects and visuals all feel as comforting as the cool side of the pillow, striking a balance between campy and homely, and professional and impressive.  Night of the Creeps is something of an enigma, a missing link, and if nothing else, a silent legend in the annals of our beloved genre.  If you have yet to experience what all the hub-bub is about, it is about fucking time.  If you didn’t know what Night of the Creeps was until now, consider yourself enlightened.

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Here are 2 links to watch the movie for free, in its entirety.  Both links tested and confirmed working, Veoh requires you sit through a short ad, and Youtube is broken into parts, but they both work!

Youtube

Veoh

P.S.  There are two endings to this film, I have included the Wikipedia page and a fan based page that explains the differences.  Both are good, although the original, longer ending that Dekker wanted to use is definitely better.  Worth a read only after you see the film, as it does contain some spoilers.

Night of the Creeps Wikipedia Page

Night of the Creeps Alternate Ending Synopsis and pictures.

Joe Piscopo sporting a T-shirt he got at Baby Gap.

Genre jumping is a tough nut to crack, rife with just as much risk as it is potential reward.  No where has this been attempted more then in the genres horror and science fiction.  We’ve seen Zombies who double as martial arts specialists, Vampires and werewolves used as allegories for political and social issues and debate, and more recently, the creatures of our collective nightmares have been swapped in to help us deal with our fears of the modern world, and all the privileges and new terrors that come along with it.  Dead Heat seems eager to throw its hat into this ring as well, alebit with a slightly less profound message, combining the red-hot 80′s trend of the buddy cop movie, with the timeless theme of immortality through experimental medical science.  The kind of medicine that always seems to have less than desirable side effects.  I am happy to report that this marriage still holds up phenomenally well, even 20 years later.

Where the hell have these guys gone?

Dead Heat begins like any other buddy cop flick, by introducing us to our oil and water duo with a terrific action scene that sets in stone the distinct personalities and styles of our main stars.  Treat Williams is Detective Roger Mortis (a play on Rigor Mortis, a post death phenomenon that causes the body to go stiff, sometimes making the body move in a “alive” type way.  Scary shit.) and Joe Piscopo (Yeah yeah, laugh it up) is Detective Doug Bigelow.  If you want your comparison via Lethal Weapon, Mortis is Danny Glover (except not black) and Bigelow is Mel Gibson (without the crazy God complex and 97 offspring), although that isn’t really fair to the dyanmic Williams and Piscopo bring to their relationship.  While hot on the heels of a gang of almost indestructibe (at least by conventional means, like bullets) jewel thieves, Bigelow and Mortis both show great adeptness at being witty and savage in their determination to catch the crooks, while also displaying a modicum of detecting, reasoning, and critical thinking ability.  So often in these cop films, I wonder how we are supposed to believe that these guys are actual cops, when the only requirements to be one seem to be causing a unprecedented amount of property damage, rack up insane body counts, and quibble about heavy subjects such as death and responsibility.  After this previously mentioned opening sequence, which cuminates in a hail of gunfire and Det. Mortis killing a thief but sandwiching him, head on, inbetween his car and a parked one, we get to see some of the plot develop, which focuses around human experimentation by a shady group of aflluent folk at a typical lab hidden behind the front of a legitimate company.  The rest is simply to well paced and too much damn fun to ruin, but if you want to know a little more, you can always take into account the tag line for the film.  Just a hint.

Now THAT, my friends, is a motherfucking SQUIB.

Since I already touched on the acting, I will wrap my thoughts up about it now before moving on.  Williams and Piscopo both seem to be in top, rare form here.  Piscopo, usually a name reserved for punchlines and ridicule, is perfect for the role of Det. Bigelow, bringing both a corny, wise-cracking feel to his character while also proving to be a decent, if not a little ‘roided up, loose cannon type officer of the law.  Williams plays off this well, acknowledging Piscopos penchant for “Wah wah” type humor, while elevating his better jokes and observations with appropriately humorous and insightful responses.  They may be a bit of an odd couple, but they also mesh nicely to create an effective crime fighting partnership, providing a pleasantly refreshing balance of brains and brawn, roles they actually trade back and forth instead of just limiting themselves to one or the other throughout the picture.  The supporting cast is equally as fun and well portrayed, filled out by character actors such as Darren McGavin, Lindsay Frost, and an effortlessly cool but minimal performance by the man who helped put true horror on the map, Vincent Price.  I came in expecting good acting, and got even better than that.  It’s mostly lighthearted, but the script and acting allows for some brief, but surprisingly deep, moments of introspection into topics like the fragility of life and duty.  The balance here helps to ground and propel the film forward.

No caption required.

The directing of Mark Goldblatt, whose only of directing job of note is the underrated 1989 version of The Punisher starring Dolph Lundgren, reeks of someone who is both a fan and student of movies and their respective trends.  Influences like John Carpenter, John Mctiernan, and Richard Donner can be felt rippling through so many of the scenes, while little nods to the then emerging Hong Kong action scene are obvious in some of the shootouts, especially the one where Treat Williams uses a motorcycle like a catapult, flying over a barricade and then sliding on a lobby floor while putting down two security guards with his revolver.  There is a lot of energy in the flick, and little wasted time.  Something of interest is always going on, whether it is learning more about our heroes, or a harrowing action scene, Goldblatt knows that the moments in between big set pieces should be cherished and used efficiently, but not indulged beyond reason.  Patience is a virtue not known to be had by action and horror fans a like, and when your selling point is cops with guns and brains vs. undead thieves and mutated monsters, you have to keep things moving along briskly.  Any complaints would be nothing more than nitpicking, and Goldblatt shows that the power of merely observing action can be just as useful as having a camera that seems to be getting actively involved with what is happening on screen.  In other words, no muss, no fuss.

Whoa, buddy. They have creams for that.

The technical package is on par with everything else, meaning to say that it is great.  Gunfire and sound effects feel as strong as they should.  Wounds and bullet hits are accentuated with some dynamite squib work and sometimes subtle, sometimes obvious make up and latex.  The creature designs aren’t groundbreaking, but they are very well done and draw just enough attention to themselves to be noteworthy, without becoming to laughable or stealing the show.  One scene where the pyrotechnics and puppetry may be at its very best, is in a Chinese butcher shop where the disemboweled pigs, ducks and chickens come alive and begin attacking our detectives.  On paper it sounds kind of ridiculous, but due to some clever editing, and healthy appreciation for old school effects with suspension of disbelief, it is a comical and creative piece that feels right at home in the fun environment that Dead Heat brings to the table.  There is even a nice rapid body deterioration/melting scene, with the alka-seltzer type foaming that I have come to know and love.  The effects, visuals, and sounds are all terrific and keep you locked in, just the way they should.

So cool.

I am prepared to say that not only is Dead Heat a new favorite of mine, one I am ready to show many of my not-so-crazy-about-genre-pictures friends, but it is also one of the best examples of how to fuse distinct genres into one immensely enjoyable and streamlined film.  There is a little bit of a creature feature in here, mixed with some light psychoanalytical discussions and speeches about a few universally captivating topics.  Above all however, this is an insanely entertaining and fast paced action movie, brimming with all the hallmarks that are still being used in action cinema today, but were nearly perfected more than 20 years ago.  If you always wondered what Lethal Weapon would have been like if Sam Raimi, John Carpenter, or even Clive Barker had had a chance to revise the script a bit and add in some of their own personal flavors and themes, then check out Dead Heat immediately.  And even if you never wondered that, check it out anyway.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Dead Heat is available for free, in its entirety, on youtube.  Remember to bump it up to high quality if your computer can handle it, as the default quality is a little murky. Here is the link to PART 1.

Here is the spoiler-ific trailer, complete with terrible music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iq90fHRJOiA

Remember when poster were fantastical hand-drawn pieces of art? I wish they would start doing that again.

Master of the Universe (MOTU for short) is a movie I remember fondly from my childhood.  It was the kind of film you would see played on TBS and WB channels on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, usually buried in a marathon of similarly-themed sci-fi epics.  So you can imagine the delight I found as a pre-teen when movies like Fortress and Highlander would bookend a testosterone-laden thrill ride such as MOTU.  Much to my chagrin though, it has been well over 15 years since I last laid eyes on this toy-line inspired beauty, and I am happy to report it holds up incredibly well, despite showing signs of its now eclipsed special effects and cliched plot devices.

MOTU tells the story of an eternal battle between He-Man, the sort of Savior of the Eterians (good guys) and Skeletor, a tyrannical skull-faced villain who has amassed a gigantic force of black-clad soldiers with laser guns in an attempt to fuse his own existence with the all mighty the power of the universe to become a God to which all will bow and be subservient.  There are some other minor details, such as a sacred sword (who would have seen that coming) and a Cosmic Key that can tap into to musical nature of the entire universe to teleport anyone to any time and/or place, but they are all secondary to the over arching theme of Good vs. Evil that gives MOTU all the setup it needs to get on with the futuristic-fantasy style combat and whimsical, feel good storytelling.

Frank Langella doesn't just play Skeletor, the guy BECOMES Skeletor. Impressive since most of his acting was done solely through his shifty and piercing eyes.

One of the major challenges any comic/cartoon/toy-line turned movie faces is finding talent capable of bringing the larger than life characters that have been summoned from imagination to screen in an even remotely credible way.  Some may argue with what I am about to say, but Dolph Lundgren and company to a terrific job manifesting the starry-eyed childhood wonder that He-man and his cohorts exude to the medium of film.  Frank Langella as Skeletor may be one of the most perfect, glove-tight fights in cinematic history.  Dolph Lundgren IS He-man, right down to his Godly physique and “get it done” no bullshit attitude, as well as being a man of few wasted words.  Courtney Cox plays the perfect “Earth teenager accidentally sucked into interstellar warfare” and Meg Foster brings a deliciously sexy and sinister style to Skeletors mistress of doom, Evil-Lyn.  Bill Barty as the vertically challenged and infinitely adorable Gwildor does a good enough job to land him a role in any Jim Henson film, and James Tolkan plays the frustrating, non-believer cop role to perfection.  The best part is, you can just tell how everyone on set knew exactly what they were making, and instead of trying to prove what a great actor they are in the hopes of landing future roles in “better” movies, they revel in the ludicrous nature of the whole thing, and emit an aura of carefree fun with a touch of either pure righteousness for the good guys, or over the top menace and for the baddies.

Evil-Lyn rocking some awesome contacts and a fancy hat, giving her best "I am evil as all get out" face.

Gary Goddard, directing his only film of any relevance, echoes the playful vibe that MOTU is known for by keeping his camera relatively calm, but flooding sets and locations with a myriad of different bright, shiny, and often neon colors.  He does at times use come cool focusing tricks and “action in the background” techniques like when Skeletors wicked floating throne creeps up on our unsuspecting heroes on a building top, but for the most part he keeps it within the comfortable standards, which is by no means saying he does the viewer a disservice.  The colors and filters work to make the live action seem all the more fantastic and comic-bookish, with heavy hues of red breaking through strands of smoke and fog often when our villains are on screen.  Our heroes get far less of this Pink Floyd concert laser show treatment then the opposition, but they too are treated like gold by Goddards camera, being seen in many heroic poses, and never being filmed to look weak, or even beatable for that matter.  Goddard knew exactly how to make people playing action figures look every bit as fun and gigantic as we all imagined in our young minds when we were playing with the toys and watching the cartoons.

I would not fuck with this guy. Hes got a cape and a speedo on. That's serious.

While laser beams and zoom-ins on paintings are now dinosaurs of the art of film, for me they hold more than just nostalgia.  I liked the way yesteryears’ special effects looked.  Paintings made to replace expensive and impossible sets, sparks flying out of bodies instead of blood, costumes that were complex, bulky, and not aided by computer graphics touch ups, and Ghostbusters style lightning of all different colors, shapes ans sizes warm my heart to no end.  If some one made this film today (and I have no doubt someone in Hollywood is eyeing this for a remake) it would look more like a video game than a movie.  But thankfully, the memory we have before us is one which took full advantage of the available technology as well as traditional customs, presenting gorgeous and elaborate set design (the interior of Castle Greyskull is fucking BEAUTIFULLY done) and pyrotechnics galore.  It sits firmly in between cheese and art, never for an instant trying to pretend, visually or sonically, to be something it’s not.  The music and sound effects are full of tributes to Star Wars and the hordes of other popular space epics, while sprinkling in some Conan the Barbarian for good measure.  It’s all well beyond adequate, and detracts nothing from the overall experience.  If anything, it just adds to the charm and warmth.

What can you say, they just don't make 'em like they used to.

MOTU is one of the finest examples of a movie often referred to as a punchline in a joke, actually being sinfully entertaining and solid after 20 plus years.  Its indulgent, flashy, loud, and has limited mainstream appeal, but it’s also wholesome, pure, easy to understand, and never, ever boring.  It doesn’t bog you down with hours of back story, political allegory, or social commentary.  It’s just a fun, tightly wrapped interpretation of a, at one point, incredibly popular comic, cartoon, and toy line, instead of being a movie which only exists in an attempt to popularise and announce a forthcoming comic, cartoon, and line of pose able figurines.  The acting is well-suited to fit the mood, technical aspects are tailor made to increase that mood, and the story and pace are as on point as one could expect from a 1 hour and 45 minute flick destined to be one of the ultimate popcorn experiences of all-time.  So crack open a beer, pack your bowl, or whatever it is you flunkies do, and revisit a classic that deserves a much better legacy than the one history has bestowed upon it.  After all, YOU HAVE THE POWERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

I HAVE THE POWERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CF20B8p4F08

AND JUST FOR LAUGHS!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeFH-QoAPCk

The film begins with a rather official looking certificate, for something or other:

Dunno what it's for, but it looks the part...

… then shows a couple who are praying for a child, some old guy with some funny markings on his forehead says that they will be successful, but God works in mysterious ways. Personally, I think it’s the guy who just can’t ‘do the business’ as it were.

Next the housekeeper makes the woman an offer.

No, not that kind of offer, you perv!

She tells the childless wife that if she visits ‘Black Mountain’ she is guaranteed a child. This is where Dracula appears. Well, I dunno if he’s meant to actually be Dracula, but he’s dressed like his Hollywood counterpart, he’s definitely a vampire, I know that much. Anyway, he demands that if the kid is a girl, he keeps it. Kinky. The guy playing Dracula/Vampire is actually pretty spooky looking, but that’s spoiled by the fact that he walks as though he has a broom stuck up his ass. Shame. But sure enough the woman gives birth to a girl, a big fight ensues and Dracula/Vampire gets bumped off.

All that happens in the first twenty minutes of the movie. It was at this point that a whole load of credits popped up on the screen, amongst which were:

Always handy to know where they get their wood from...

I thought that maybe this was a short film, and checked the run time then realised it was over two hours long! Are all Bollywood movies this long?

After the credits is where it gets rather saucy, and funny. A well fit Indian chick in a tight leotard is doing her aerobics while a pervy little servant guy peeks through the door.

yeah, THAT got your attention didn't it?

I’ve no idea who the little perv guy is, but he’s the best part of the whole movie. He’s genuinely hilarious!

Fit chick with boobs, and pervy guy (right)

After a while, we learn that the fit chick is actually the daughter who should have been sacrificed to Drac/Vamp but wasn’t. Blah blah blah… more Dracula stuff then… dancing. Yep, it’s Bollywood, so no movie is complete without some singing and dancing. This happens about five times in the movie, I just fast forwarded past the music bits. The next best bit of the movie is when this other fit chick tries to seduce the fit chicks guy…

Oh my! I would!

Blah blah blah, as you’d expect: they defeat the evil vampire (after about two hours!) and all is well.

The only bad thing about the movie is that it has no nudity or boobage, very dissapointing, especially for a Dracula/Vampire movie. I’d expect some nakedness and cavorting, but no. But for a film thats long, completely crackers and has hot Indian chicks in tight stuff… it’s great!

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0259877/]