Il était une fois le diable (aka: Devil Story)

Ladies and gentlemen, I have watched many many films in my long and (somewhat un-)industrious career as a gorehound, but never have I watched a complete train wreck such as this. It is truly, one of a kind. Thankfully.

The movie begins with a short of a forest clearing in broad daylight, the sound effects say otherwise and have hooting owl sounds. Then we see someone who has the facial makeup of a muppet (one of the old balcony guys) while wearing an SS stormtrooper uniform. Why? I’ve no idea… join the club. What makes the protagonist even more irritating (and I’m only six minutes in to the movie) is the fact that his dialogue (and I use the term loosely) is nothing but ‘RRRRmmmm, RRRRMMMmmmm!‘ constantly. He sounds like a muffled five year old child imitating a car.

the 'protagonist' of the movie, scary huh? (sarcasm)

... our protagonists long lost brother? (left)

Having apparently murdered a man in a tent, we see a grown woman carrying logs skipping gaily through the forest. No, seriously, she is skipping. She gets offed pretty quickly and both bodies get carted off. Only after about five minutes do we get some introductory credits which is a welcome relief from the muffled car impersonations.

A car (conveniently) running out of fuel near our madmans dwelling means he gets two more bodies, a man and his big fat wife. For reasons unbeknownst to me, a woman emerges from a second car, seemingly in a trance, and heads towards a black cat which is in the mountains (again, reasons unknown) gets scratched by the cat then plays the drama queen (to her husband) saying ‘I want to go home [...] I’m going to die.‘ My good man, you should have taken that invitation and abandoned the mad bitch right there and then.

A creepy house! Quick, lets head in here for shelter...

The couple end up at a creepy looking mansion/hotel which, while definitely looking the part (see above), someone in their infinite (stupid) wisdom chose to play Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor (by J.S. Bach) over it, rendering the entire scene uber-cheesy! The creepy places inhabitants, a surprisingly ordinary older couple, begin to tell them of strange things which happened ‘many years ago’. Not long after we see the old man out in a grassy area waving his gun around as if it’s a baseball bat apparently fending off a wild, black, horse. This is speculation on my part since we never actually see the horse and the man in the same shot, I don’t think the budget stretched to hiring him and the horse at the same time.

Sir, can I see your firearms license please?

By now the chick (that was entranced by the cat) has fled the creepy place in nothing but her drawers. It’s at this point our madman (and his female/mother accomplice) open a coffin and out pops a mummy. No, seriously, look:

Is that a jock strap? Or are you just happy to see me...

It’s also at this point I am scratching my head wondering what in the HELL is going on. And I’m still wondering.

The semi-naked chick is nabbed by the madman and placed in a stone coffin, but he’s kicked by the mysterious (and ever out of shot) horse, and our heroine escapes. The mummy, meanwhile, is raising some stoned-looking chick from the dead.

Back to broad daylight we get to see the man AND the horse in the same shot! The film-makers must have secured some extra funding from the local sanitarium, probably to keep them out. But our madman is still on the lose, chasing the chick in her drawers. The old man on the other hand is still chasing the horse, which seems to lead him to a ship wreck which he seems quite happy about finding. Unfortunately our mummy friend is also (for reasons, again, unknown) interested in said ship wreck. The mummy attacks the old man by stepping on him until his guts fall out, behold:

And you thought I was kidding about the mummy stepping on him?... Hah!

As the mummy, and his stoner-chick, head towards a nice shiny coffin, the chick in her drawers shoots some conveniently placed barrels of explosives. Handy eh? This sets off an explosion which I can only describe as piss-poor. While on the subject of piss-poor, I shant spoil the ending of this masterpiece of film making, but suffice to say, it contains more Tocatta and WTF moments.

Oh dear Lord, what a train wreck of a film. Acting is non-existant, effects are below shoe-string budget and the story is all over the place. I’m glad I watched it just so I can say to people that I’ve seen it, proceed to tell them what I’ve just told you, and to have them, like you, wonder why I do this to myself…

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

Gotta love that tagline.

Dellamorte Dellamore (translated to Of Death Of Love, which can then be easily jumbled around to Love of the Dead) is a title better known to most American audiences as Cemetery Man.  Regardless of which title you prefer to adopt for it however, it is a film that is widely considered by horror aficionados as the last great Italian horror film, and in particular the last standout zombie picture in the long lineage of the countries contributions to the sub genre.  While Fulci and his peers were busy pushing the limits of on screen violence and nurturing the inherit apocalyptic nature of the dead coming back to life, writer/journalist/novelist Tiziano Sclavi was hard at work on what we might call a comic book series called Dylan Dog about an investigator who looked into nightmares.  As with anything that is held in even remotely high regard in print, it was loosely adapted for the silver screen.  While that history is certainly interesting, and may even give insight into the wildly surreal and dream like qualities of Cemetery Man, it isn’t vital to enjoying and thinking critically about the movie itself.  What is of utmost importance is the ability to just go with the quite jarring and constantly morphing flow of the picture, allowing yourself and your imagination to free associate the many clues and symbols embedded within the flick, and let your mind fill in the gaps that arise from its sordid and often misconstrued storytelling methods.

Our story is, at its base, one of a cemetery keeper who has not only the nasty chore of burying the recently deceased, but keeping them under the pounds of dirt he shovels on top of them.  See, Francesco Dellamorte (an ironic name that even the character pokes fun at in the very beginning of the film) battles zombies almost nightly, and with his trusty revolver and spade, and the assistance of his near mute helper Gnagi, he keeps the tenants of Buffalora cemetery within the gates by either shooting them in the head, or driving objects through their rotting skulls.  For a horror movie, this is more than enough to justify a standard 90 minute run time, but what makes Cemetery Man  so interesting and open to interpretation is that it is a film with films inside it.  There are love stories for both of our flawed and damaged reluctant heroes (Gnagi and Frances), there is a ingeniously deceptive detective story complete with twist, and then there is the ultimate question that plagues any intellectual viewer of this movie.  Where on Earth, or outside of Earth, is this all taking place?  Before I throw down my loose theories about the messages and mysteries contained within, let me first analyze it as a piece of  horror entertainment.

This is exactly how I open my door.

Cemetery Man leans heavily on the acting of its male lead Rupert Everett, which is a good thing considering he does a magnificent job conveying the many facets of Frances without the movie or the character ever coughing up any major information as to his personal history.  Besides mentioning that he doesn’t read much and never finished high school, we are instead treated to my personal favorite of all methods for establishing a characters motives, values, and even their beliefs.  The method is simply his actions.  His movements, the way he expresses his emotions and treats those close to him, and almost every other behavior all compiles together into giving us a better understanding of Frances, and if you take the plunge and see this movie (or watch it again, which I also highly recommend) you will learn that understanding Frances may be the key to understanding the film as a whole.  Outside of our enigmatic lead, Anna Falchi also graces the screen with her unique beauty, and brings some acting and modeling credentials to the multiple characters she plays, all of whom are cryptically named as “She” only.  She may not be the best actress, and at times it seems like either she is being subtly dubbed or having a hard time speaking perfect English (she is Italian after all), but for what her characters demand, it seemed fitting that someone who is beautiful, but not in a conventional sense, would play those parts.  In particular, I noticed that her eyes and eye make up changed for each of her 3 “shes” she plays, which may denote a change in the film itself, perhaps opening another chapter every time she reappears.  Gnagi, played by François Hadji-Lazaro, also lends a great deal of depth to the set of personalities on screen, and without hardly muttering any words, and not a full sentence until the very end of the picture, manages to serve as the loyal, but sometimes useless, compatriot to Frances.  He is there with him through thick and thin, and seems to serve as a reminder to Frances that even as along as he feels, he never truly is completely alone.  The rest of the supporting cast are all good, but they get nearly as much time and dialogue as these 3 do, which means that I don’t feel the need to elaborate on their fine performances.  But trust me, they are all well beyond adequate, and in the odd case there is someone you don’t particularly like, don’t worry, they will be dead soon enough.

Frances and "She" spending some quality time in the ossuary.

Michele Soavi (who directed another one of my favorite horror flicks of all time, Stagefright), with competent acting in hand, wastes no time in unraveling his surreal and morbid vision.  The pacing of the film is incredible, surrendering the typical pseudo-tension found in most horror flicks for an off-beat but blistering tempo that is always striking you with violence, sex, dark twisted comedy, or a combination of those 3.  Soavi comes off as a fan and student of the Italian Spaghetti horror films that dominated the underground and foreign markets for much of the 80′s, while at the same time balancing the tragic and dreamy mind fuck that is the narrative.  As I mentioned earlier, it seems like there is at least two movies being told at once, with the major determining factor between the two being the night and day cycle, as well as the lighting and the soundtrack changes.  Night time looks amazingly detailed, never suffering from “I can’t see SHIT” disease that I hate with a every fiber of my being.  Soavi also employs some clever POV shots, usually from the perspective of the dead or soon to be dead person in the scene.  It is used just enough to cement it as a legitimate tool in Soavis directing arsenal, but is done with enough restraint to not come off as a simple gimmick.  If you are a fan of European architecture with a Gothic flair to it, the scenes within the cemetery and surrounding area are sure to please you.  The film really shines during the night scenes more so than the day, and it reeks of a perfect unison between director, cinematographer, and photographer, who all seemed to understand how to make scenes not only look beautifully lit and well composed, but dark, eerie, and other worldly all at the same time.  This is without a doubt one of the most visually arresting horror movies I’ve ever seen, and maybe the best to date.

One of the clever POV shots in the film.

While it is commonplace in modern cinema to have sound effects and a inappropriately loud and obnoxious soundtrack or score dominant the dialogue of a film, it wasn’t so common even up through the mid 90′s.  The sound in Cemetery Man will probably sound dated to most, but then again you can say that the sound in JAWS is dated, in which my response to both is fuck you.  Gunshots are clear and sound as if they are being shot from a gun that has been shot many times before.  The soundtrack deliberately switches many times in order to extract or set a mood for a particular scene.  The dialogue also comes off fairly clean, although it could have been more crisp, but we will chalk that up to it not being a production that was not made on an astronomically large budget.  Whatever mild sins may have been committed by the available technology in the audio department are surely made up for by the special effects and visuals ten fold.  The blood and gore is incredibly visceral and strong, and Soavi shows confidence in his splatter man when he doesn’t jerk his camera away from head shots and other grisly images.  Speaking of which, this may be the movie with the most head shots I have ever personally seen, and each one looks more dynamite than the last.  Lighting, set design, filter choices, costumes and make up are all top notch and don’t feel dated or cheesy in the slightest.  If this movie were made in America, you would be able to spot the outdated attire and social wear from a mile away, but since this movie is a European production, the clothes have much more of a timeless and classic feel.  Same goes for the locations.  Beautiful architecture really helps set the stage, and the cemetery itself seems full of wondrous little alleys and coves begging to be explored.  It looks like the kind of movie you want to jump right into just to walk around and explore it.

Goodbye Boy Scout. Send the girls back with some cookies.

Cemetery Man is, or at least was for me, an answer to many wishes when it comes to my beloved zombie sub genre.  It is fast paced,never boring and it combines trippy, almost hallucinogenic visuals with classic elements of European horror film making.  It is unapologetic in its cryptic nature, which some have unfairly dubbed as simply confusing, and it is a startling example of how to try an add depth to something that could have existing solely on its surface values.  If you consider yourself a zombie film fan, or even a horror fan in general, and you haven’t seen this, you should do so immediately.  It belongs within every conversation about horror, especially if the conversation is about classics of the 90′s, and can even be looked at (as I do below, beware though it is full of spoilers) in an analytical sense if you are so inclined to try and figure out what is really happening.  Either way, don’t let this one sit there in your “Yeah, I’ll get around to it” pile.  You’ll learn to Love the Dead.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

Fuck, that is an awesome giant puppet.

BONUS THEORIES!

Now onto my theories about the actual meaning and psychology behind the film.  If you haven’t yet watched it, I suggest you do at this point.  Cemetery man at first struck me as a story of a man in purgatory or hell, who is meant to learn about the differences between life and death (see his short talk with the death stature towards the end of the film for confirmation of this) or maybe even life itself while he himself rots in a cemetery where he must “re-kill” the undead.  The “She” character could easily be seen as the Devil, as every time she pops up, Frances sets himself back further from learning anything from his mistakes as he takes the bait on her “love” and pays dearly for it every time.  Outside of a religious context to the tale, there is also the possibility that Frances has a very vivid imagination, and that isolation, besides his friend Gnagi who could ALSO be seen as just an elaborate hallucination, has started to play tricks on his mind to the point where he truly believes the dead rise up from the ground and that it is his job to put down the “Returners” as he so eloquently puts it.  There is also the possibility that whenever night time comes along, what happens during the dark is a dream, and maybe he sleepwalks and acts out his dreams.  Of course, these are all just theories, each one having massive holes in them, and would welcome anyone to help me formulate an airtight meaning to this very cryptic gem I love so dearly and hold close to my horror loving heart.

END OF BULLSHIT THEORIES!

The Devil? Perhaps.

—————-
Now playing: Nadja – Clinging To The Edge Of The Sky
via FoxyTunes

The upside is, zombies are probably cheap dates and they can't say no.

Night of the Creeps (or just Creeps for short) straddles the line between what I feel is too popular to review, and what is under the radar enough to write about.  If you haven’t noticed, I rarely write anything about movies that already have established a strong set of fair and thorough reviews online.  Creeps however, has seen a boom in popularity and visibility in the Internet era, mostly due to the fact that it has yet to be released on DVD so many turn to the web for info and access to rare cinema.  But thanks to endless efforts of the piracy generation, Creeps remains watchable in many places on the web, which is very fortunate considering that this movie is easily, and beyond any shadow of a doubt, one of the best movies not only of 80′s, but of the entire genre as a whole.

Fred Dekker, who both wrote and directed this gem, seamlessly combines unbridled appreciation for the genre as well as mixing in elements that “spoof” the many trends he saw being beaten to death by the explosion of horror clones and cliches that erupted during the 80′s.  In modern times, spoof has become a dirty word (thanks for ruining the lineage, Scary Movie), but Dekker shows that poking fun at something doesn’t mean you can’t, yourself, make a great movie full of heart and homages to the icons of the very film community you are lampooning.  This is nowhere more obvious than in the names of many of the characters in the film, which range from Cynthia Cronenberg,  Christopher Romero, to Detective Sergeant Raimi.

Oh geese, if Roger Corman did ever open a school, it would no doubt be along the Devil's Highway. One of many inside jokes to be found in Night of the Creeps.

Speaking of the characters, these may be some of the best, and funniest, of the horror class.  Dekker has balanced the two accepted methods of character development, the first of which being back story and character to character exposition.  The second, and the more difficult to pull off, is letting the characters actions and behaviors define and legitimize them.  Of course, without good acting, this is nigh impossible.  Genre vet Tom Atkins shows up as the haunted and disgruntled cop and does a great job at adding levity and back story to the nameless college town.  Much credit must also be given to Jason Lively, Steve Marshall, and Jill Whitlow, who turn what could have easily been flat, two dimensional college kids trying to find themselves into likable, mature, and often deep on-screen persona’s who help to drive home both the surface action and events, and the messages that Dekker has implanted within his wildly efficient script.  The rest of the cast does a wonderful job of bringing to life the more stereotypical characters, with the two noteworthy bit parts being played by David Paymer and Dick Miller.  It’s rare that good to great acting and rapid fire, natural feeling dialogue come together in something as unsuspecting as a “horror movie”, but Creeps is proof positive that movie class limitations are never all enclusive, and that exceptions exist and can still hold up to its past contemporaries, as well as its modern day ones.

I was going to make a Walt Disney joke here, but the movie actually does that in this scene. Gotta love the 80's idea of futuristic science and labs, which seem to be purple or blue lighting, and many buttons blinking arbitrarily.

Dekker, in his first voyage behind the camera, makes amazing use of every bit of his ephemeral 1 hour and 28 minute run time.  Creeps never gives you a second to become bored, and Dekker manages to cram a ghost story, a slasher story, a love story, a coming of age story, a friendship story, a parasite alien story, and a zombie story into one movie without losing sight of any of the many strands of narrative he has weaved.   Normally, when a movie tries to do this much, it winds up finding itself lost trying to fuse together too many different types of pacing and thematic motifs.  Dekker however, seems to have viewed this as little more than an old wives tale, as he masterfully throws together all the major brands of genre film into one pot, deriving the best that each has to offer, while keeping some of the charming flaws intact in order to either use them for a comedy piece, or just as a humble and loving tribute to the flicks that he himself must have been very fond of.  Dekker’s directing comes off as a delicate mid-point between being both a fan of the groundbreaking and popular films and filmmakers that came before him, as well as being a student of what made those pictures so legendary and appealing to both himself and the masses.  Lighting and pacing are of the highest order, and Dekker never falls victim to bad nighttime shooting or lingering on scenes or shots that just don’t require that much focus.  His lens is mainly an observer, but there are moments when he uses a bit of flash to put emphasis on a particular scene.  Dekker also shows great understanding on how to shoot an action sequence, of which Creeps has a few, and he also knows how to built up to and deliver a satisfying payoff to his audience without leaving them feeling cheated in the slightest.  I could go on and on about how Dekker really  knocked this one out of the park, but I will instead just say that he indeed did shoot a great looking film that has no glaring flaws and moves like a speeding train.

Thrill me.

The technical package from Creeps is nothing short of sublime.  The already mentioned lightning is superb, but alongside this are some dynamite effects and tight audio.  The soundtrack doesn’t really stand out, besides clever use of some 50′s pop standards like “Smoke Gets in your Eye” to set the mood in the beginning and also forewarn of more danger during the final few scenes.  I am fine with the fact it doesn’t stand out, since the dialogue is so snappy, witty, and razor sharp that it would be a shame for music to overshadow that strength.  Visually, the picture is very crisp and clean, obviously aided by Dekker’s careful eye in framing and presenting shots that show the audience in crystal clarity everything you need to see.  The blood, gore, and special effects are entirely of the practical variety, meaning those of us who love rubber, latex, and Karo syrup can rejoice.  Thankfully, the R Rating means that exploding heads, heads blown up by flamethrowers (has to be seen to be believed), grisly bullet hits and like are all unhampered by the crutch of modern day computing technology and other such bullshit, cop-out wankery.  Creeps looks spotless, boasts some awesome special effects that don’t shy away from the more hardcore gore, and music knthat ows when to move to the forefront, and when to stay in the back and subtly do its job.

So...is that what a splitting headache looks like? I know, that joke sucked. I'll be over here in the corner, killing myself.

Night of the Creeps may have a devoud, cult-like following, but I feel if even one more person read this review and hunts it down and watches it, then it is a success.  Dekker and company have crafted film(s) within films here, with clever jokes hidden throughout (see if you can spot the Monster Squad reference and always look at posters and books in the main characters living spaces) and a breakneck pace that is always busy assaulting the viewer with something worth paying attention too.  It manages to coral many subplots and thematic devices, while telling two main stories (The “two geeks” story and the detectives story), each so good and thorough they could have been separate movies.  The acting seems otherworldly it’s so good, and the special effects and visuals all feel as comforting as the cool side of the pillow, striking a balance between campy and homely, and professional and impressive.  Night of the Creeps is something of an enigma, a missing link, and if nothing else, a silent legend in the annals of our beloved genre.  If you have yet to experience what all the hub-bub is about, it is about fucking time.  If you didn’t know what Night of the Creeps was until now, consider yourself enlightened.

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Here are 2 links to watch the movie for free, in its entirety.  Both links tested and confirmed working, Veoh requires you sit through a short ad, and Youtube is broken into parts, but they both work!

Youtube

Veoh

P.S.  There are two endings to this film, I have included the Wikipedia page and a fan based page that explains the differences.  Both are good, although the original, longer ending that Dekker wanted to use is definitely better.  Worth a read only after you see the film, as it does contain some spoilers.

Night of the Creeps Wikipedia Page

Night of the Creeps Alternate Ending Synopsis and pictures.

Drag Me To Hell

I was dubious of watching this as Mr Raimi is, of course, now a big Hollywood director. Gone are the days of shoestring budgets and cheap makeup for his films. Can he still make a good horror film without the Hollywood pizazz? Read on…

The film starts with a young boy, who is sick, being brought to a woman’s house. The concerned woman wants to know what the boy has been up to and is then told that he’d stolen a gypsy’s neckless, but tried to give it back, but in vain. In other words: he’s fucked. Gypsy curse. Then we meet Christine Brown (Lohman) trying to get promoted to Assistant Manager in her banking job. Along comes an old woman looking to get her mortgage payments fixed up.

She's an old psycho bitch! Run away!!!

Christine takes a firm stance, to show her boss who she really is (and to get the promotion) and in the end gets mugged and cursed. So now she’s fucked, and has three days until the devil comes looking for her soul.

That’s about the first 30mins of the movie. The rest of the movie is her first few days as a cursee and then trying to remove the curse.

Let’s get to what matters: is there gore?

What is this? Sam & Jerry?

Yes indeed there is. Some good gore (eye poppings, cat vomit (not what you think) and such-like) and some very gross scenes (juice of dead body anyone?). So I can recommend it for those alone. Is it scary? Actually, yes it is. In good, old, Raimi style most of it is simply playing on what you can’t truly see. Shadows creeping up stairs, curtains rustling. All those things that made you poop your pants and wet the bed as a kid. What do you mean you still wet the bed? Ewwww!

*deep voice* attack of the rabid goat... part three...

And story? Is there story? Yes, I’m afraid there is story, but it’s all curse/devil based, so that’s good. There’s pretty much everything you’d want in a horror film. It’s not perfect, far from it, the one thing that lets the movie down is the use of CGI where good ol’ latex would have sufficed. Hollywood, please get over CGI and return to rubber, I think you’ll find it’s a damn sight cheaper. Credit crunch, and all that jazz.

All in all, I recommend this new horror flick for you sick folks. I’m sure you’ll all love the ending…

Show Spoiler ▼

The goat doesn’t actually have rabies, I made that bit up…

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

PS: do NOT read the IMDb plot as it will completely spoil the movie for you. IMDb suck sacrificial goat dick…

Lao Mao, aka: The Cat

Lao Mao (aka: The Cat) is a Cantonese film which is completely and utterly bonkers.

It starts off with some guy writing. I’ve no idea what he’s writing as the subtitles don’t display anything until about ten minutes in to the film (helpful) so from what I can gather he’s telling us this tale (no pun intended) of how this little fat guy can’t get any sleep because of his neighbours upstairs always hammering stuff. The little guy reaches breaking point, storms upstairs and bangs on the neighbours door. An old guy opens the door slightly and apologises. Our little fat perv notices a beautiful younger woman inside the flat holding her pussy. Oh, sorry, holding her cat.

A few days later the old guy, and young chick, move out. The little fat guy goes to investigate, lo and behold the door just happens to be open, and he explores the place, see’s some nasty gore and calls the cops. Turns out it’s animal guts, and they all call him a dumbass.

It’s about now it goes a tad South of sanity. We see, what I assume to be a dead, tramp lying in the sewers with goo going into him, next thing he’s plodding through the sewer like Night of the Living Homeless.

Next in a museum we see the young womans pussy again, this time the sneaky feline is eyeing up a relic. It breaks open the glass case, inspects the relic then they get busted by a museum guard. But he’s taken out by some old guy who dives through the window thinking he’s a ninja. But then the zombie tramp appears and… well, quite frankly does bugger all but try to frighten them through a window.

Run away! It's the Zombie Tramp!!!!!

But then the zombie tramp pulls out the Ace card: he turns into a big pile of spaghetti, flies in the window, eats some museum guards, and turns in to, what looks like, a giant mushroom type thing.

Next we find out that the girl and the cat are in fact aliens. No, seriously. One of the cops investigating this madness goes to a location, sneaks about, nearly gets caught so hides, the cat senses him and pounces on him (well, not the actual cat, it’s an extremely bad, stuffed, stunt double cat) the cop is about to pan it’s brains in with a chair but, through the window, comes the old I-think-I’m-a-ninja guy who knocks the cop out.

Then things get a bit saucy with the cop’s wife coming home in a tiny tennis outfit and covered in sweat. They watch a news bulletin talking about the museum stuff, and he’s off on the trail of the pesky moggy once more.

Gotta love the accurate subtitles...

Cat hairs are found in the museum so with that clue (probably their only clue) they do what any other cop would do. Send it off for analysis? No, they visit some weird guy and ask him for a loan of a big huge dog.

A group of cops investigate a location and come face to face with the big pile of spaghetti and it kills most of them, taking over one guy. He gets some guns, becomes a one man army and is trying to get the girl and the cat. Meanwhile the big dog and the cat are having a big fight in some sort of junk yard. No idea why, but they are, and the cat leaves the dog for dead.

But fear not, the dog isn’t dead. He’s too big and strong for that death stuff.

After the possessed cop waging war on the good cop, his wife, the chick, the cat and the old ninja guy he turns in to a large wad of playdoh. Or that’s what it looked like to me. While the special effects up to this point were pretty crappy, it was here they hit an all time low and became, quite literally, claymation.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...

The alien cat dives in to the mouth of the claymation beast, blows it apart and, in short, they all get to live happily ever after.

I was not on any legal/illegal substances, and all of the above happened. I swear!

The film is utter rubbish, but it’s worth watching it just to be able to tell people about it, and watch their reactions…

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105796/]