Pembalasan ratu pantai selatan (1989) aka: Lady Terminator

I’d heard great things about this awesome Indonesian bad movie. Thus, for your enjoyment, I just had to subject myself to it. And it is awesome!

It starts off rather bland, with a (rather ugly) woman shagging some guy (cowgirl styley) whereby as she climaxes she does something or other to his penis and blood spurts everywhere. She finishes by walking towards the came and uttering the awesome line of: “is there any man who can satisfy me?”

The plot (for what there is) is pretty basic. So basic in fact that IMDb gives it one line: The spirit of an ancient evil queen posesses the body of a young anthropological student, who then goes on a murderous rampage.

Although it is, it seems, based on a book called The Legend of the South Sea Queen.

Anyway, after man one is dispatched of, man two comes in to try his luck with the ugly chick, and he wins! He lives to tell the tale and the ugly bitch promises vengeance upon his granddaughter.

Fast forward and we have an anthropologist enquiring about a dusty old book. I know she’s an anthropologist and she keeps mentioning it. Next thing she’s on the hunt for a relic and diving under water. Next thing we see is the boat being destroyed and her (in some sort of dream/hallucination) being strapped to a bed and having an eel waggle up her vag (well, through her bikini bottoms). Kinky!

Two drunks (one who can seemingly piss like a fire hose) see a woman emerge from the watery depths and come to shore. One guy takes her into his car and a bit of rumpy pumpy happens. Guy two waits patiently and gets his turn. Unfortunately for them she’s the lady terminator in question and kills them both (after sex) but it’s here we get to see some boobage:

An excellent rack, ten out of ten!

and it is good! So, boob-chick (above) is now the reincarnation of the ugly-chick.

After our good lady terminator has trashed a hotel room and (probably) raped a security guard (to death) we see the stereotypical American doofuses. Complete with bad lines, bar brawl and bad hair. Behold:

Behold his mighty mullet!

Mullet-man (who is called ‘Snake’ by the way), and seems to be wearing a woman’s denim jacket, has been quite suitably dubbed as the typical stoner/surfer character.

Meanwhile, lady terminator cobbles together some clothing (somehow getting an uzi sub-machine gun) and extracts vengeance in the ladies bathroom:

Hot chicks with big guns... can this possibly get any better?

And all this in just thirty minutes!

Having mulled over some dead bodies the cops hit the bar and we see a suspiciously familiar scene where a (lady) terminator busts into the bar and starts shooting up the place. Our man in the gay shirt (see photo above) says to his girl “come with me if you want to live“, and they flee the bar. Lady terminator gives chase and after a few (inevitable) stumbles our people flee the scene in a car. But she’s still after them! The girl is, of course, the granddaughter of the ugly chick shagger.

They end up in some lab somewhere and it’s here they find out that she (the terminator) is actually a missing person. This is found via their 1970′s 386 PC:

Green screen awesomeness!

Some creepy old guy gives the girl a family heirloom type gift. Next thing we know the lady terminator is giving chase in the most bizarre car I’ve ever seen on celluloid:

I want one of them! Even though I don't have a license.

If anyone knows what make/model that car is please let me know. I want one, and I can’t even drive.

Having laid waste to a small army of security people (at some lab of sorts) she continues to stalk the girl. But fear not, for creepy old guy is here to save you!

Go get her creepy old guy!

Oh, OK, maybe not:

Aw, she shot creepy old guy in the nuts!

Oh well, but since most characters are now dead our heroes head for the hills and camp outside, in a remote area, to hide from the lady terminator and bonk like rabbits. Lady terminator meanwhile has assumed the lotus position to meditate:

Topless meditation. A new sport for the upcoming Olympics?

But lady terminator is injured. Best course of action? A scalpel to the eye of course! If that scene also sounds familiar then, yes, I think they stole it from some American film.

Our heroes head for a shopping mall and are attacked by the lady terminator.

OK, this is beginning to sound more and more like that ‘other’ film I was talking about…

After some more explosions, car chases and what-not they fire rockets at our good lady engulfing her in flames. But she’s not out, she’s up and about, badly burned, but now (somehow!) firing laser beams from her eyes!:

And why wasn't she firing laser beams from the start of the movie? I've no idea...

Eventually they drop a net from a helicopter and capture the lady terminator. It’s at this point she shoots laser beams from her eyes and blows the helicopter out of the sky.

She purses our heroes into a building and upstairs. Lady terminator finally attacks the girl who pulls out the family heirloom (which apparently she’s been carrying with her the whole time) and stabs the lady terminator. This kills her outright. Not entirely sure why/how, but it does. At the end we’re treated to a crappy speech about good and evil.

I’ve nothing else to say about this film except: awesomeness. Watch it!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPvxzpyOP-8

See prang (aka: 4bia/Phobia)

OK, so, technically I’ve reviewed these films in the wrong order. First, I reviewed Phobia 2 (don’t forget to check out my review of it) and now I’m reviewing the first one, but fear not loyal readers, there’s no connection between the two anthologies.

In its native Thailand, the movie is known as ‘See prang’, but to us Westerners it’s known as either ‘Phobia’, or ’4BIA’. No matter the name, the idea is the same; the movie is made up for four shorts all with a common theme; horror! Yay!

The first short, Happiness, is unusual in that it has no dialogue what-so-ever, all the information is conveyed through text messages sent to, and from, a girl who is alone, and bored, in her small apartment. Unable to leave due to having a broken leg which she sustained in a car accident. While the story to this one isn’t bad, it’s a bit boring since the first ten minutes is the girl sending and receiving texts with her making all sorts of happy/excited faces. Like I said though, the story aint bad, and while the end is scary, it’s a bit of a cheap shot.

Next up, Tit for Tat. This one is easily my favourite of the four. A gang of unruly youths are bullying a weak kid. They really give him a good going over and threaten to toss him from the back of their moving pick-up truck. His shirt tears and he falls from the truck. It seems he survives the ordeal, but appears to visit the gang in a last act of defiance. As they try and show him who’s boss a series of events happen and we see that the weak kid really isn’t all that weak after all. Revenge is the motto here. The story is a typical curse/revenge story, but the deaths and effects really shine in this one. There are a couple of very imaginative deaths, with good gore, and some scenes use CGI, some creatures are also CGI, but it’s all done in such a creepy way that you’re really not paying attention to the animation! Again, good ending, but don’t watch it if you’re superstitious!

Third in the series is In The Middle, which is a story about four guys out camping in the woods. One of them tells a ghost story and one of the guys promises that if he dies, he’ll haunt whoever is sleeping in the middle of the remaining three. Well, of course, there’s a white-water rafting accident and one of the quartet is missing. He eventually turns up, but doesn’t quite seem his old self. This is a funny story, and a good story too, nice twist ending to it. This story stars the same four guys who were in the last, very funny, story in Phobia 2.

And the final story is Last Fright. This one is the story of a Princess who is flying out of the country and requests the same air-crew as her last flight. The stewardess agrees and they take off. Mid-flight the stewardess brings the Princess coffee, which she spills on the stewardess scalding her arm, then comes the main meal… which the Princess refuses and wants the stewardesses meal instead. The Princess has an allergy to prawns, so the stewardess removes the prawns thinking that would be fine. Not so. As they land the Princess is whisked off to hospital where she later dies. Now the stewardess has to sit through the return flight, looking at the Princesses mummified body! This one was an OK story, good suspense, only let down by a really weak ending.

So, if I had to rate them from best to worst:

1. Tit For Tat
2. In The Middle
3. Last Fright
4. Happiness

Again, another good anthology, although if you want more bang for your buck, I reckon Phobia 2 is actually better!

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars <– if the ending for Last Fright had been better, it would have been a solid four.

Çilgin kiz ve üç süper adam (aka: 3 Supermen and Mad Girl)

Normally, I would start my review with some pithy comments and an IMDb synopsis. Unfortunately, this movie is so rare (read: barking mad) that IMDb has literally nothing on it, and it took me some leet Google-ninja skills just to get the poster (left)!

Before I get in to the review I have to preface it with this: this movie is old, probably ripped from an old billionth generation VHS tape, in Turkish and (as if that’s not bad enough) has no subtitles/English what so ever. So without further ado, here’s what myself (Ronnie), Alex, and Erin could decypher from the film.

In a deep underground cave, some fit chick in a skimpy red outfit (and wearing Elton John’s reject glasses) is plotting some evil deeds.

Mad Girl - in her mad outfit, mad glasses and mad technology

Her boss seems to be some guy who’s wearing a two dollar mask and sits on his fat ass for the whole film, he’s maybe a cripple, but I can’t prove that.

Satan, 666 - I think that's what his mask cost him, $6.66

Their minions seem to be KKK Klansmen, but in green:

The henchmen - no seriously, it is!

… and their ultimate weapon seems to be a robot made out of cardboard boxes sprayed with silver paint:

ILM - eat your heart out...

We are then introduced to the first of the supermen, lying on a boat, surrounded by chicks while Tom Jones is playing in the background. Enter the other two goons supermen, the three of them dress up in red costumes (with black capes), branded with an ‘S’, and the tight outfits apparently make them bullet-proof.

The 3 'Supermen' - I use the term 'supermen' VERY loosely!

Our heroes then head off to a sleazy bar in their beetle. Fly? Heavens no. Why fly when they have their ‘Beetle Of Justice’ (™, Alex). Their car journey is accompanied by some fine circa 1970 organ music. Beautiful. After bitch-slapping one girl several times, she is shot by a henchman which causes an epic battle on a rooftop. Which seems to be about an envelope (or something).

One superman rescues a chick from a car (for reasons unknown) and she’s smitten by the Beetle Of Justice:

Behold! The Beetle Of Justice! *fanfare*

After another epic battle, one of the supermen is captured, put on a table and spun several times. As Erin said: obviously dizziness is his Kryponite.

One of several super-taint shots...

He is, eventually, rescued by the other supermen where we were so close to getting a good nudie scene, except for one little green fucker who interrupts. He deserves to die 1,000 deaths.

I hope that little green guy dies, he spoiled the potential nude scene. Bastard!

After the (near)naked chick is captured, our heroes (again) spring in to action in their hot-rod:

The Supermen to the (somewhat slow) rescue!

They are again in a scuffle, this time in a large expanse of grassy area. Obviously the sun must have been out that day as the entire screen is white and we can hardly see a damn thing.

The kidnapped chick is now tied up in Mad Girls underground lair. Kinky! After which we FINALLY, after fifty minutes of this nonsense, get to see some boobage:

Are they allowed to show boobs in Turkey?

After the supermen crash their entirely uneventful orgy of nothingness, Mad Girl is nearly captured! Gasp! But she manages to escape back to $2-mask-Satan. But unfortunately, for one of the supermen, the cardboard robot is set free! But fear not, it is disabled as Mad Girl heads back to her (kinky) dungeon to try and strangle the kidnapped chick with a large piece of chain. But the supermen crash this party too and save the day. Not only that, but someone finally phones the cops. They have police in Turkey? Well I’ll be…

But the evil protagonist isn’t done yet, he still has the all powerful robot of doom!

The evil robot, dubbed 'drill-do' by Alex

The movie finishes with the cops closing in on Mad Girl where she, and the evil old guy (whoever he is) are arrested.

Your nicked!

And so, the reign of Mad Girl (and Old Guy) has come to an end. But since it’s Turkey, I’m sure they’ll probably bribe their way out of prison to terrorise the 3 Supermen once again.

I just want to add that if you, the reader, think I’ve embelished the plot with superflous details to make it sound funny, I have NOT! All the stuff about them not flying, driving around, several superman taint shots (noticed by Erin I may add), making them dizzy… it’s all there! Honest! And when I say it was a billionth generation VHS, I’m not kidding:

This happened a few times throughout the film...

I have to say, this film was a barrell of laughs. So bad it was hilarious. It seems to be so obscure that clips of it aren’t even on YouTube. I’ll maybe put up one or two later.

The all important ratings:

Ronnies Rating: 5 out of 5 stars = 14 out of 5 (just to three-up Alex)

Erins Rating: 5 out of 5 stars = 8 out of 5

Alexs Rating: 5 out of 5 stars = 11 out of 5

UPDATE: don’t say we’re not good to you readers. I personally uploaded the first ten minutes of this superhero madness to YouTube, just for you. Yes, you. You personally!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziRJOICt8Mw