Cool pumpkins bro.

The original Night of the Demons (review here by yours truly) is a cult classic from the good old 80′s that is often grabbed by horror fans in October when they are in need of some Demon possession fun.  While it is dated, and many of the gags that back in the day must have been quite cool fall flat or just look silly in 2010, it is still an atmosphere laden gem that has that unmistakable intangible that modern day horror movies seem to lack…fun.  Enter the inevitable remake which. despite a cast of either no names or B-list talent, and a release that seemed to have come from nowhere, does a great job of encapsulating the spirit of the 80′s classic and even manages to provide some legitimate tension, jolt-scares, and prosthetic gore.  It isn’t perfect a perfect translation (but then again, the original wasn’t perfect either), but after wading through the slog of Hollywood horror remakes for the better part of the last decade, I found NOTD 09′ to be a refreshing blast of sleazy, raunchy, gooey fun that has just enough tricks up its sleeve to ascend into a rare upper echelon of not only downright groovy horror remakes, but just plain fun and radical horror movies in general.

That is totally the kind of house where slutty, boozing, pot smoking 20 somethings bite the dust. Oops, spoilers.

Since NOTD 09′ (that’s my cool little shorthand name for it, deal with it) is the kind of movie that doesn’t beg for any real type of analysis or even that much explanation, I’ll keep this fairly brief.  Some entirely-too-good-looking-to-be-anyone-who-exists-in-the-real-world 20 somethings are invited by the resident creepy goth chick, Angela, to a house with a long history of bloodletting and gruesome happenings dating back 150 years.  Of course, this party is taking place on Halloween night, because if you’re going to tempt fate, go big right?  After dancing, and obligatory party shots of chicks making out and girls wearing “clothing” that is so tight and revealing you wonder if they painted them on, the party eventually gets busted up by those ASSHOLE COPS who are only around when they can kill your buzz but always seem to run off once you’re inundated with the demonic un-fucking-dead.  So after some “we need to get back into the building to find our drunk whore friend and get her home” shenanigans, demons, who are trying to possess enough people on Halloween night in order to screw up some biblical loophole business, show up and start slowly turning people and causing the ruckus that they are known to do in any horror movie they find themselves in.  Demon orgy?  Check.  Demon Sex? Check.  Demon gut munching? Check. Very creative substance/material that demons are “allergic” too? Check.  DEMON LESBIANS?  CHECKKKKKKKKKK.  Someone at the Halloween party dressed up like the Jigsaw puppet from the SAW MOVIES?  MOTHERFUCKING CHECK!!!!!!

GETTING JIGGY WITH IT!

All jokes aside, the film is pretty well acted, and it even stars the kid from Terminator 2, Edward Furlong.  Also Doira Baird and some other floozies I’ve seen in a bunch of these horror movies lately.  It isn’t quite a gorefest, but when the gore is present, it’s done quite beautifully with rubber, latex and Karo syrup.  The boo scares are very clever and well-timed to hit on the down or off beats and there are more than a few fake out scares that are teeth grinders because you’re just waiting for the shit to hit the fan.  The ending is also clever enough to gain praise and it doesn’t fall into the typical trappings of “OMG WE HAVE TO LEAVE ROOM FOR A SEQUEL” end of  movie bullshit.  Since going on any further would mean I would just start spoiling the best parts, I’ll leave you with a HEARTY recommendation and a 3.5 out of 5 star score.  If you’re a fan of the originals, this is a must.  I mentioned the demon lesbians right?

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Maybe she is born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline.

While hanging out at makeout point in their small college town, even though they have apartments, Debbie (Suzanne Snyder) and  Mike (Grant Cramer) see a UFO land. Debbie convinces Mike to go looking for it, and it’s a giant freaking  red and yellow circus tent that has landed in a clearing. Bad tripping ensues as they get into the ship and find some people they know dead and coccooned in pink cotton candy.

They rush off to get the cops. One cop, Mooney, is the requisite asshole ( played by John “Dean Wormer” Vernon) and the other, Dave (John Allen Nelson), is conveniently Debbie’s ex-flame.  Mooney thinks the clown story is a hoax and doesn’t believe it until he gets killed by some clowns. Later the ghost of his head pops out of a clown’s ass in a classic scene.

Dave knows Debbie wouldn’t make something like alien clowns up and agrees to check it out. Dave and Mike  insist on taking Debbie home for safety but in her bathroom some popcorn the clowns back at the ship shot at her from their giant trippy guns turns into more monsters. Most of the movie involves Mike trying to get back to Debbie while people all over town get turned into clown coccoon milkshakes; the clowns hang them up ’til they’re ready and then drink their liquefied remains with a huge twisty straw. Obviously.

Later we get some stop-motion animation, which is inherently creepy while being fun to look at, and deadly shadow puppets. The clowns never break from their running gag of being playfully evil. Another high point is the late night parade of clowns. The kills that don’t involve the major characters move along in a stream of consciousness fashion making the movie a relaxing mindless pleasure. Typical of movies of the time, the filmmakers don’t waste time with an explanation of each scene or set of characters.

The most 80s deluxe part to me is the characters of the two bumbling brothers (Michael Siegel and Peter Licassi) who drive an ice cream truck in a scheme to get laid. Only in an 80s comedy! It does get them laid,  but not in the way you expect, but that small victory ends up saving everyone’s lives when Debbie, Mike and Dave get stuck on one of the clown spaceships yet again. I miss those types of characters like the brothers, those two dimensional jerks who move the plot along and wrap it up as conveniently as the now-overused twist ending.

I’d like to bottle this movie and spray its essence onto a few modern original screenplays. It has elements I didn’t recognize (but miss now they’ve gone) when I was watching movies like this in the 80s, like the absurdly rough biker bar, the story that takes place all in one night, the fact that even though the movie is completely stupid the director doesn’t assume we are, the actors who were good looking but didn’t look like they had been experimented on by evil surgeons, and the clowns that the general public didn’t have a damn phobia of yet.

Killer Klowns From Outer Space might be the rare 80s movie that won’t get remade since so many people claim to have a clown phobia. I mean, I’m sure if I met these clowns I’d become coulrophobic with a quickness, but the movie isn’t scary. Since an alien clown invasion isn’t likely, I can enjoy this as a good ol’ dumb comedy. 3.5 stars.

Get used to seeing her face, I have a feeling she will be the new action femme fatale.

Every decade has had its definitive action directors, and with the 00′s waning down, it’s time for action junkies look for the next big thing in slam-bang cinema.  Unfortunately, it looks as if cgi based, bigger-than-life, product placement garbage is here to stay, at least in the mainstream.  So imagine my surprise when a film comes along and evokes the pedigree of Tarantino, Rodriguez,  and Frank Miller (among many, many others), instead of the big budget, post production heavy action epics that Bay and his peers and cronies have been pumping out like clockwork for the better part of the last 10 dreadful years.  Angel of Death is that film, a shockingly polished and economic little mob action-thriller, with heavy nods back to the gurus of gun play that shaped the late 80′s and early 90′s with innovation, creativity, and a keen eye on what has worked in the past and what needs to be injected with some modernity.

The film stars Zoe Bell, who many will recognize as Tarantino’s stunt woman turned actress who stole the show during his half of of Grindhouse, cleverly titled Deathproof.  The story concerns Eve (Zoe Bell) as a mob hit woman, and a phenomenal one at that.  On what seems like a routine hit, an unforeseen change in the targets daughters after school plan flips of the mission on its head, and Eve is forced to take out two extra security guards, and put a bullet into the teenagers eye socket, but not before she is stabbed straight down in the top of her skull with a combat knife.  After miraculously surviving the ordeal that would have taken the life of any lesser, and less fortunate, agent, she is haunted by the spirits of her past victims, who lead her to avenge their deaths by taking down her employers and putting a dent in their operations.  Behind her rampage though, there are some crooked dealing going down, and the mob itself is experiencing a power vacuum, to which many heirs feel that the empty throne is theirs to claim.

Zoe just looks natural kicking ass and having weapons in her hands.

Zoe is the main course on this buffet, and with her amazing physical ability to perform all her own stunts and action sequences, distinguishing New Zealand (read: NOT AUSSIE, they hate when you call them that), and the unforced nature about which she handles weapons, she is every bit the heroine many big name actors (::cough:: Angelina Jolie ::cough::) only wish they could be.  She also has a knack for acting, and uses mannerisms and facial expressions like a pro in order to show her unshakable resolve and new found righteous determination.  Her accent never gets in the way either, and it doesn’t wind up making her feel out of place somehow, even within the very American city the story unfolds in.  Doug Jones (Abe Sapien from the Hellboy series) also lends his talents to Angel of Death, and brings some much needed humor and awkwardness to his role of “secret and relatively piss poor mob doctor.”  Ted “I’ll do anything for a paycheck and I love him for it” Raimi pops up for about 30 seconds before he gets his head blown off with a shotgun.  The rest of the cast is a mix of little knowns and TV character actors who all do a fine job, but aren’t really worthy of detailed explanation.  Our bad guys are genuinely bad, smart, and relentless, and our good guys are fleshed out enough for us to care about what happens to them.  For a movie that doesn’t even crack 80 minutes in length (including the credits), this is more than enough acting cred to keep things moving along briskly and keep us glued.

Goodbye Ted Raimi, we hardly knew you.

Behind the camera,  we get the duo of Paul Etheredge (director) and Ed Brubaker, who up until now, I can’t credit with doing anything that has hit my personal radar.  That isn’t to slight them of course, as the writing and directing for Angel of Death pushes the very limits of what is clearly a limited budget, which is very high praise in my book.  There is no wasted time, and the polished and very stylish nature of the film mesh well with the fast-paced, no nonsense approach to the dialogue and set pieces.  The editing and transitions are particularly eyebrow-raising, as they have that distinct grindhouse feel to them, while also playing kind of like panels of a comic book, but instead of stills in the panels, we get different moving shots of the same thing happening.  For instance, if a character walked up to a door of a building, we may get three shots of it on screen at once in comic book panel form, with each shot being from a different perspective.  It plays great, looks great, and is never abused.  Film grain, super saturation of colors, and some very washed out colors are used with great effect, but not reckless impunity which can turn a clever idea into a cheap gimmick in a heartbeat.  The natural flow to the dialogue also gives the characters a realistic feel, and doesn’t make the error of making an otherwise genius villain look dumb just for the sake of letting our hero off the hook or drawing things out longer than need be.  There is even a novel little twist that comes towards the third act that provides great incentive for the viewer not to become complacent and take what is happening for granted in between shootouts and fisticuffs.  All in all, the camera is both intelligent and glamorous, and this technique only serves to lift the script and action to greater heights.

An example of the sweet scene transitions. It's a lot more impressive in motion.

The music is mainly a stock sounding rock-a-billy thing, with moments of standard movie score style work throw in as well.  It isn’t terrifically noteworthy, but it never gets in the way either, and after the first few scenes, I forgot it was even there.  The sound effect work is spot on, with gunshots ringing loud and clear, punches registering with the appropriate amount of force and volume, and the speech of all the characters clearly audible and not drowned out.  As stated earlier, the film is clearly working on a small budget, but the locations and use of color are all very wise, and you never get the feeling as a viewer that the same location with one or two cosmetic changes is being used over and over and over again.  Stunt and fight choreography is tight and believable, save for the knife in the head and a dangerous drop from a second story window onto a car of course.  The movie is brutal, but not overly bloody and excessive.  Where a squib or two would have made a bullet wound pop out a little more, the fast pace to the violence and well placed camera eye make up for whatever shortcuts the film makers might have taken in order to cut costs and keep the production moving.  Like so many aspects of this film, I’m very impressed with how polished everything looks and sounds, and that is often the best you can hope for in the world of Indie film.  You have to take what you can afford and know you can work with, and even if you are given oranges, some talented people out there can still make that taste like sweet, sweet lemonade.

This kind of thing doesn't happen when you shave with a Mach 3 razor.

Angel of Death hits me in the same spot El Mariachi did, which of course was the film Robert Rodriguez made on a shoe-string budget before he basically remade with a much larger budget and better cast and called it Desperado.  In El Mariachi, all the elements of superior action film making were there in droves, but the ideas were so big and innovative, that they required some proper funding.  I’m hoping Etheredge and Brubaker get that same treatment, since everything about Angel of Death is screaming out for someone to give them a bigger budget to work with, but not necessarily a better cast, as I am quite fond of the one on display here.  It’s brisk and very efficient, and it looks like a champion even though it may go home to a cardboard box at night.  Angel of Death is, so far, THE sleeper/below the radar/indie action film of the year, and I would urge anyone who likes a little bit of the pew-pew and pow-pow to hustle up and get on board with this one.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Here's to hoping we get to see Zoe Bell kill a lot more people very soon.

—————-

Now playing: Hainloose – Cold Water

via FoxyTunes

Joe Piscopo sporting a T-shirt he got at Baby Gap.

Genre jumping is a tough nut to crack, rife with just as much risk as it is potential reward.  No where has this been attempted more then in the genres horror and science fiction.  We’ve seen Zombies who double as martial arts specialists, Vampires and werewolves used as allegories for political and social issues and debate, and more recently, the creatures of our collective nightmares have been swapped in to help us deal with our fears of the modern world, and all the privileges and new terrors that come along with it.  Dead Heat seems eager to throw its hat into this ring as well, alebit with a slightly less profound message, combining the red-hot 80′s trend of the buddy cop movie, with the timeless theme of immortality through experimental medical science.  The kind of medicine that always seems to have less than desirable side effects.  I am happy to report that this marriage still holds up phenomenally well, even 20 years later.

Where the hell have these guys gone?

Dead Heat begins like any other buddy cop flick, by introducing us to our oil and water duo with a terrific action scene that sets in stone the distinct personalities and styles of our main stars.  Treat Williams is Detective Roger Mortis (a play on Rigor Mortis, a post death phenomenon that causes the body to go stiff, sometimes making the body move in a “alive” type way.  Scary shit.) and Joe Piscopo (Yeah yeah, laugh it up) is Detective Doug Bigelow.  If you want your comparison via Lethal Weapon, Mortis is Danny Glover (except not black) and Bigelow is Mel Gibson (without the crazy God complex and 97 offspring), although that isn’t really fair to the dyanmic Williams and Piscopo bring to their relationship.  While hot on the heels of a gang of almost indestructibe (at least by conventional means, like bullets) jewel thieves, Bigelow and Mortis both show great adeptness at being witty and savage in their determination to catch the crooks, while also displaying a modicum of detecting, reasoning, and critical thinking ability.  So often in these cop films, I wonder how we are supposed to believe that these guys are actual cops, when the only requirements to be one seem to be causing a unprecedented amount of property damage, rack up insane body counts, and quibble about heavy subjects such as death and responsibility.  After this previously mentioned opening sequence, which cuminates in a hail of gunfire and Det. Mortis killing a thief but sandwiching him, head on, inbetween his car and a parked one, we get to see some of the plot develop, which focuses around human experimentation by a shady group of aflluent folk at a typical lab hidden behind the front of a legitimate company.  The rest is simply to well paced and too much damn fun to ruin, but if you want to know a little more, you can always take into account the tag line for the film.  Just a hint.

Now THAT, my friends, is a motherfucking SQUIB.

Since I already touched on the acting, I will wrap my thoughts up about it now before moving on.  Williams and Piscopo both seem to be in top, rare form here.  Piscopo, usually a name reserved for punchlines and ridicule, is perfect for the role of Det. Bigelow, bringing both a corny, wise-cracking feel to his character while also proving to be a decent, if not a little ‘roided up, loose cannon type officer of the law.  Williams plays off this well, acknowledging Piscopos penchant for “Wah wah” type humor, while elevating his better jokes and observations with appropriately humorous and insightful responses.  They may be a bit of an odd couple, but they also mesh nicely to create an effective crime fighting partnership, providing a pleasantly refreshing balance of brains and brawn, roles they actually trade back and forth instead of just limiting themselves to one or the other throughout the picture.  The supporting cast is equally as fun and well portrayed, filled out by character actors such as Darren McGavin, Lindsay Frost, and an effortlessly cool but minimal performance by the man who helped put true horror on the map, Vincent Price.  I came in expecting good acting, and got even better than that.  It’s mostly lighthearted, but the script and acting allows for some brief, but surprisingly deep, moments of introspection into topics like the fragility of life and duty.  The balance here helps to ground and propel the film forward.

No caption required.

The directing of Mark Goldblatt, whose only of directing job of note is the underrated 1989 version of The Punisher starring Dolph Lundgren, reeks of someone who is both a fan and student of movies and their respective trends.  Influences like John Carpenter, John Mctiernan, and Richard Donner can be felt rippling through so many of the scenes, while little nods to the then emerging Hong Kong action scene are obvious in some of the shootouts, especially the one where Treat Williams uses a motorcycle like a catapult, flying over a barricade and then sliding on a lobby floor while putting down two security guards with his revolver.  There is a lot of energy in the flick, and little wasted time.  Something of interest is always going on, whether it is learning more about our heroes, or a harrowing action scene, Goldblatt knows that the moments in between big set pieces should be cherished and used efficiently, but not indulged beyond reason.  Patience is a virtue not known to be had by action and horror fans a like, and when your selling point is cops with guns and brains vs. undead thieves and mutated monsters, you have to keep things moving along briskly.  Any complaints would be nothing more than nitpicking, and Goldblatt shows that the power of merely observing action can be just as useful as having a camera that seems to be getting actively involved with what is happening on screen.  In other words, no muss, no fuss.

Whoa, buddy. They have creams for that.

The technical package is on par with everything else, meaning to say that it is great.  Gunfire and sound effects feel as strong as they should.  Wounds and bullet hits are accentuated with some dynamite squib work and sometimes subtle, sometimes obvious make up and latex.  The creature designs aren’t groundbreaking, but they are very well done and draw just enough attention to themselves to be noteworthy, without becoming to laughable or stealing the show.  One scene where the pyrotechnics and puppetry may be at its very best, is in a Chinese butcher shop where the disemboweled pigs, ducks and chickens come alive and begin attacking our detectives.  On paper it sounds kind of ridiculous, but due to some clever editing, and healthy appreciation for old school effects with suspension of disbelief, it is a comical and creative piece that feels right at home in the fun environment that Dead Heat brings to the table.  There is even a nice rapid body deterioration/melting scene, with the alka-seltzer type foaming that I have come to know and love.  The effects, visuals, and sounds are all terrific and keep you locked in, just the way they should.

So cool.

I am prepared to say that not only is Dead Heat a new favorite of mine, one I am ready to show many of my not-so-crazy-about-genre-pictures friends, but it is also one of the best examples of how to fuse distinct genres into one immensely enjoyable and streamlined film.  There is a little bit of a creature feature in here, mixed with some light psychoanalytical discussions and speeches about a few universally captivating topics.  Above all however, this is an insanely entertaining and fast paced action movie, brimming with all the hallmarks that are still being used in action cinema today, but were nearly perfected more than 20 years ago.  If you always wondered what Lethal Weapon would have been like if Sam Raimi, John Carpenter, or even Clive Barker had had a chance to revise the script a bit and add in some of their own personal flavors and themes, then check out Dead Heat immediately.  And even if you never wondered that, check it out anyway.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Dead Heat is available for free, in its entirety, on youtube.  Remember to bump it up to high quality if your computer can handle it, as the default quality is a little murky. Here is the link to PART 1.

Here is the spoiler-ific trailer, complete with terrible music.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iq90fHRJOiA

Jason Voorhees. Mass Murderer. Neglected Camper. Lover of Sonic the Hedgehog.

SPLATTERHOUSE TRILOGY (’88-’93)

Available for: Sega Genesis, Wii, NES, TurboGrafx-16

Number of Players: 1

I can't even count how movies they are ripping off on this cover.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjmuMlvhb3c

Night Slashers (1994)

Available For: Arcade (easily emulated on pc)

Number of Players: 2

Generic looking I know, but you get to karate kick zombies heads off.

Night Slashers is another game that, for some insane reason, never got a port to ANY home console system.  That means the only place this existed was in the arcades (and on own computers thanks to emulators and roms).  It’s a damn shame too, because during the Beat ‘Em Up explosion of the late 80′s into the early 90′s a game like Night Slashers would have been eaten up by the public.  The story is of little significance, and come to think of it, I don’t even think there is one!  The game stars a Van Helsing-ish suave dude in an orange business suit from the 1800′s, a feisty oriental-looking martial art femme-fatale, and an American guy wearing an American flag wife beater, has long blonde hair and a bandanna, and robot arms.  Yup, no bullshit.  Robot Arms.  Their job is to just go from location to location, roundhouse kicking and karate chopping there way through every major type of horror movie bad guy there is.  From zombies, to werewolves, to Ventriloquists with deadly dummies, to Frankenstein.  The game is best enjoyed with two players due to a typically high arcade difficulty level that ramps up exponentially with every level passed.  The music and graphics are all solid, with bright colors and some splendid animations and creature design.  For anyone who liked games like Final Fight, Streets of Rage, and Double Dragon, and horror movies, this is a must. Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAMb9uYdwLs

DOOM TROOPERS (1995)

Available for: Sega Genesis, Super Nintendo

Numbers of Players: 2

OOOOOOOO special edition bonus card you say?

Doom Troopers is a title that comes from a confusing history of board games, comics, TV shows, and toy lines.  While I have seen the recent Mutant Chronicles movie, which is apparently based on the same collective Universe as this game is, I will talk only about the game here as if I know nothing of the other entities.  Doom troopers is a side-scrolling shooter, similar in nature to Contra or Megaman.  The main difference being, is it is drenched in pixel gore, and, for a 1995 game pushing to get the most from dying 16-bit technology, it sounds and looks surprisingly good.  The jumpy and catchy soundtrack, the cheesey sounds effects when blood pours out of a neck wound, and the incredibly tinny and pathetic sound of gunfire will be sure to warm your retro heart.  Combine that with some hellaciously unfair difficulty, a nice co-op mode allowing two players to go at it as a team, and some helpful cheats you can input to make the game beatable, and you have another decent addition to you Genesis or SNES (rom) library that you and a buddy can try to get through, but won’t.  Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvq3SZWp6vs

Zombies ate my neighbors (1993)

Available for: Sega Genesis, Super Nintendo

Number of Players: 2

A parody in game form and a true work of art.

Zombies ate my neighbors may be a wee bit too popular to be cosidered a true hidden gem, but everytime someones writes about this game, there’s someone out there who goes and tries it for the first time.  Zombies is a top down view run and gun game, where you play as a punk kid using household items to rescue your neighbors and defeat legions of monsters all inspired by the horror films of the 50′s up to the 80′s.  It’s equal part parody and tribute, as it celebrates and lampoons the genius and schlocky elements of the beloved genre.  Tight controls, memorable soundtrack, and a good use of color helps this game elevate itself from often-recommended to a must play. Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

www.youtube.com/watch?v=b13fGKYmPPQ

BLOOD (1997)

Available for:  Most home computers (can be difficult to operate since it was originally written for DOS)

Numbers of Players: 1  (there are mods available for co-operative and competitive multiplayer that remains active to this day)

How can you say no to that!?!?

Blood is DOOM cranked to 11.  It’s DOOM on crack, heroine, pcp, and meth, all while sitting inside the 9th level of hell.  It’s campy, it’s chock full of horror movie and literature references, and to this day is still one of the most brutally violent games in public circulation.  You can light a guy on fire with a flare gun.  You can kick severed heads around like soccer balls.  You can throw dynamite like an NFL quarterback, and stab people with a pitchfork.  You also play as a dead guy who spouts off movie one liners as he kills things.  It’s super great.  Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1SaWmgU1h8

That’s all for now.  If you enjoyed this short list and would like more suggestions, please leave a comment for us and I will scrounge up some more treasures for you.  If your having trouble finding and playing any of these games, shoot me an e-mail and I’ll send ya some info on how you can get them working.  Enjoy the chills boils and ghouls!!

Remember when poster were fantastical hand-drawn pieces of art? I wish they would start doing that again.

Master of the Universe (MOTU for short) is a movie I remember fondly from my childhood.  It was the kind of film you would see played on TBS and WB channels on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, usually buried in a marathon of similarly-themed sci-fi epics.  So you can imagine the delight I found as a pre-teen when movies like Fortress and Highlander would bookend a testosterone-laden thrill ride such as MOTU.  Much to my chagrin though, it has been well over 15 years since I last laid eyes on this toy-line inspired beauty, and I am happy to report it holds up incredibly well, despite showing signs of its now eclipsed special effects and cliched plot devices.

MOTU tells the story of an eternal battle between He-Man, the sort of Savior of the Eterians (good guys) and Skeletor, a tyrannical skull-faced villain who has amassed a gigantic force of black-clad soldiers with laser guns in an attempt to fuse his own existence with the all mighty the power of the universe to become a God to which all will bow and be subservient.  There are some other minor details, such as a sacred sword (who would have seen that coming) and a Cosmic Key that can tap into to musical nature of the entire universe to teleport anyone to any time and/or place, but they are all secondary to the over arching theme of Good vs. Evil that gives MOTU all the setup it needs to get on with the futuristic-fantasy style combat and whimsical, feel good storytelling.

Frank Langella doesn't just play Skeletor, the guy BECOMES Skeletor. Impressive since most of his acting was done solely through his shifty and piercing eyes.

One of the major challenges any comic/cartoon/toy-line turned movie faces is finding talent capable of bringing the larger than life characters that have been summoned from imagination to screen in an even remotely credible way.  Some may argue with what I am about to say, but Dolph Lundgren and company to a terrific job manifesting the starry-eyed childhood wonder that He-man and his cohorts exude to the medium of film.  Frank Langella as Skeletor may be one of the most perfect, glove-tight fights in cinematic history.  Dolph Lundgren IS He-man, right down to his Godly physique and “get it done” no bullshit attitude, as well as being a man of few wasted words.  Courtney Cox plays the perfect “Earth teenager accidentally sucked into interstellar warfare” and Meg Foster brings a deliciously sexy and sinister style to Skeletors mistress of doom, Evil-Lyn.  Bill Barty as the vertically challenged and infinitely adorable Gwildor does a good enough job to land him a role in any Jim Henson film, and James Tolkan plays the frustrating, non-believer cop role to perfection.  The best part is, you can just tell how everyone on set knew exactly what they were making, and instead of trying to prove what a great actor they are in the hopes of landing future roles in “better” movies, they revel in the ludicrous nature of the whole thing, and emit an aura of carefree fun with a touch of either pure righteousness for the good guys, or over the top menace and for the baddies.

Evil-Lyn rocking some awesome contacts and a fancy hat, giving her best "I am evil as all get out" face.

Gary Goddard, directing his only film of any relevance, echoes the playful vibe that MOTU is known for by keeping his camera relatively calm, but flooding sets and locations with a myriad of different bright, shiny, and often neon colors.  He does at times use come cool focusing tricks and “action in the background” techniques like when Skeletors wicked floating throne creeps up on our unsuspecting heroes on a building top, but for the most part he keeps it within the comfortable standards, which is by no means saying he does the viewer a disservice.  The colors and filters work to make the live action seem all the more fantastic and comic-bookish, with heavy hues of red breaking through strands of smoke and fog often when our villains are on screen.  Our heroes get far less of this Pink Floyd concert laser show treatment then the opposition, but they too are treated like gold by Goddards camera, being seen in many heroic poses, and never being filmed to look weak, or even beatable for that matter.  Goddard knew exactly how to make people playing action figures look every bit as fun and gigantic as we all imagined in our young minds when we were playing with the toys and watching the cartoons.

I would not fuck with this guy. Hes got a cape and a speedo on. That's serious.

While laser beams and zoom-ins on paintings are now dinosaurs of the art of film, for me they hold more than just nostalgia.  I liked the way yesteryears’ special effects looked.  Paintings made to replace expensive and impossible sets, sparks flying out of bodies instead of blood, costumes that were complex, bulky, and not aided by computer graphics touch ups, and Ghostbusters style lightning of all different colors, shapes ans sizes warm my heart to no end.  If some one made this film today (and I have no doubt someone in Hollywood is eyeing this for a remake) it would look more like a video game than a movie.  But thankfully, the memory we have before us is one which took full advantage of the available technology as well as traditional customs, presenting gorgeous and elaborate set design (the interior of Castle Greyskull is fucking BEAUTIFULLY done) and pyrotechnics galore.  It sits firmly in between cheese and art, never for an instant trying to pretend, visually or sonically, to be something it’s not.  The music and sound effects are full of tributes to Star Wars and the hordes of other popular space epics, while sprinkling in some Conan the Barbarian for good measure.  It’s all well beyond adequate, and detracts nothing from the overall experience.  If anything, it just adds to the charm and warmth.

What can you say, they just don't make 'em like they used to.

MOTU is one of the finest examples of a movie often referred to as a punchline in a joke, actually being sinfully entertaining and solid after 20 plus years.  Its indulgent, flashy, loud, and has limited mainstream appeal, but it’s also wholesome, pure, easy to understand, and never, ever boring.  It doesn’t bog you down with hours of back story, political allegory, or social commentary.  It’s just a fun, tightly wrapped interpretation of a, at one point, incredibly popular comic, cartoon, and toy line, instead of being a movie which only exists in an attempt to popularise and announce a forthcoming comic, cartoon, and line of pose able figurines.  The acting is well-suited to fit the mood, technical aspects are tailor made to increase that mood, and the story and pace are as on point as one could expect from a 1 hour and 45 minute flick destined to be one of the ultimate popcorn experiences of all-time.  So crack open a beer, pack your bowl, or whatever it is you flunkies do, and revisit a classic that deserves a much better legacy than the one history has bestowed upon it.  After all, YOU HAVE THE POWERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

I HAVE THE POWERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CF20B8p4F08

AND JUST FOR LAUGHS!!!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeFH-QoAPCk

You know a movie means business when it uses crosshairs in the title.

Sparrow Unit is a one of those flicks I never would of found had it not been for the passionate and devoted fans of trashy cinema that populate the deepest, darkest corners of the Internet.  It barely has an imdb page, there are no pictures, trailers or clips from it anywhere on the ‘net, yet despite total anonymity, it seems to travel the proper circles through the reputation it has among those who have been fortunate enough to have seen it.  What is that reputation you may ask?  Well imagine if John woo moved to the Philippines, and made a furiously paced, but grittier ultra violent action movie about rebels performing a seemingly endless sequence of hits upon mostly unsuspecting, but supposedly “corrupt” military and police personnel.  If you don’t already have a boner, now would be a good time to get one.

Sparrow Unit’s plot is relatively insignificant in the long haul, but does enough reason, just enough that is, to shrug off the fact that about every 6 1/2 seconds, someone is being riddled with lead.  The story follows a group of  “Sparrows”, which is the authorities cute little nickname for rebels-ish people who lives in the mountains, and come down to mainland Philippines in order to assassinate high ranking officials in order to expedite a coup.  Their reasoning is simply that the “powers that be” are hellishly corrupted, a motivation which one of our crew of Sparrows will question later in the movie, naturally.  So with that little tidbit out of the way, Sparrow Unit sets out to actually be more frenetically paced and show more on screen deaths than a Ringo Lam, John Woo, and Michael Bay movie combined.  Ok, so it’s not that many, but since watching this movie consisted of little more than enjoying terrific shootouts and chase scenes, I’ decided to count along with the kills, and I lost count somewhere in the very high 90′s, due to the fact that I couldn’t clearly see how many people died in a particular boat explosion.  Make no doubt about folks, even though this movie seems to try and be sending a message about rebellion and authority, it makes no bones about what the first priority is, which is killing every extra that was paid for at least 23 times.

Oh fuck guys, its the late 80's. Grenade from Army Surplus store. T-shirt and matching denim jacket and jeans supplied by OshKosh B'gosh.

The acting, from what I can tell, seems pretty competent, but again, it is incredibly hard to really invest a ton of emotion into these characters, since they are all so cookie cutter (in that awesome kinda group of assassins 80′s way) and predictable.  You have your hard-headed die-hard leader, willing to sacrifice anything to achieve his mission.  The partner/friend to the leader guy who ends up questioning his own motivation and whether or not he even believes in what he is doing anymore.  The rest of the crew is filled out by the expendables, who are given small traits like enjoying food or maybe being a little funny at inappropriate times.  There is of course a girl, who of course is hot for hard-headed leader guy, and the have sex.  It’s probably the worst love scene ever filmed, includes no nudity, and is awkward as all get out to watch.  But, it’s the 80′s and goddammit were gonna have a love scene edited together and intertwined with some heroes dying, because goddammit, it’s the 80′s!!!  Did I mention this movie reeks of the 80′s?

They kill a guy with a speargun, which was totally unnecessary since th assassin had a gun with him at the time. But the speargun was a million times more badass.

There really isn’t much more I can say here other than if your an action buff who thinks they have seen everything, chances are you haven’t seen this.  It’s budget seem fairly modest, but damn do they make every penny count.  The death toll is hovering around triple digits, the action is so relentless there were times where I would walk away from my computer to grab a drink, keeping my eyes on the screen, only to be caught off guard by the sound of gunfire, and have to race back to my seat in order to see what happened.  It has a somewhat twisted playful vibe to it to, and even though there are several “downer” moments, I never felt like the director was trying to genuinely make me feel sad.  The “downer” moments seemed like the logical thing to do next, in order to progress the nearly non-existent “story, thus it happens.

When dying from a hail of bullets in a foreign action movie, it is important to jump and flail the arms and legs wildly, as to convey to the audience that you, in fact, have been shot.

So if you are at all an Internet savvy person (I.E. you are familiar with the ways to “procure” certain items online in the new century) and you want to see something that transcends the action genre into a video game-esque, laugh riot of pure, seemingly uninterrupted 9mm joy, then hunt down Sparrow Unit: The Termination Squad, crack open a cold one (or whatever fancy drugs you ruffians do now-a-days) and get ready to get blown away.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

SERIOUS BUSINESS!!!!!!!! Just look at that facial expression. He loves his job.

Brian has something on his mind

Have you ever had that feeling upon first meeting someone that you’ve known them forever? That’s how I felt about it when I started watching Brain Damage tonight. I can’t believe it was my first time watching it; it just seems like something I would have seen before. It has all the classic elements of an eighties movie: really long zippers, homosexual overtones, alternative music, bad synthesizers, a scene that demonstrates how New Yorkers don’t get fazed by anything, and a best friend (in this case a brother) who is slavering over the protagonist’s girlfriend.

This 1988 offering is Frank Henenlotter’s (Basket Case, Frankenhooker) fourth offering as a director, and it is a wild gory dark comedic ride. As the film opens, we are in the apartment of an old guy who is a scientist or a professor (we know this because he has African looking statues in his home, and it is the eighties) who has brought home dinner for his pet. Specifically, the pet is having raw brains for dinner, or he would have been had he not escaped. When “Elmer” is found to be missing, the old party and his wife have a screaming conniption fit and then literally tear the house apart looking for him.

Too bad, cause he’s down the hall giving Brian (Rick Hearst) the psychedelic experience of a lifetime. “Elmer,” or as he’s truly named, Aylmer, puts out a kick ass drug directly into the brain of his host in exchange for the host bringing him, or taking him out, for dinner. When you see the first time the symbiotically gay duo go out through Brian’s eyes, you might think,”I’d let it suck my brain if I could see that.” But as with all drugs, sadly, things don’t stay in the honeymoon phase forever. Brian starts neglecting his girlfriend Barbara (Jennifer Lowry), his job, and his brother Mike (Gordon MacDonald.) But Mike doesn’t mind too much, since he’s got the hots for Barbara, who by the way is kind enough to get naked for the camera.

Besides some great claymation stop motion animation, this movie has a scene that gives new meaning to the phrase “giving good brain,” a live performance by 80s alt rockers The Swimming Pool Q’s, plenty of gore, and several long, lingering, loving shots of guys’ butts (there’s a muscleman in the shower who I swear the camera feasts on for five minutes), plus a monster that looks like a penis big enough to choke a Village Person. I’m not sure if Hennenlotter is making a comment on addiction, or a man’s tendency to let his penis be his compass, but the movie is too much fun for me to care. I also enjoyed the horror in-jokes such as the female lead being named after Night of the Living Dead‘s lead actress and “Brian” being an anagram for “brain.” The best such joke has to be the guy who gets on the subway clutching a basket to his abdomen though. And unlike a lot of horror movies, Brain Damage doesn’t make you feel depressed after watching it. It’s just a delicious piece of brain candy.

P.S. If Basket Case and Brain Damage weren’t enough to make you admire Mr. Henenlotter, he’s also one of the folks behind Something Weird Video, which is where I got my weird on in the days of dial up. Thanks, Frank!

And now, the trailer for this awesome gore-fest.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfVcaNp2Ayw

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars