The Fly (1958)

The Fly (1958)

Way back in the 1950′s people did actually read the articles in Playboy. No, seriously, they did! One such readable piece was a short story called ‘The Fly’. First published in the June 1957 issue the story, by George Langelaan, is set in France and has a rather grim ending. Cronenberg’s ‘The Fly’ has very little connection with the original short, but this movie is very close to the original.

The start made me grin like a Cheshire cat, and the movie hadn’t even started yet. It began with the old gold 20th Century Fox logo, with the search lights, and the trumpeting sound clip. Ah, them were the days!

But when the movie starts, we find the story is now set in Montreal, Canada. An old man is entering a lab/warehouse (after hearing a loud bang) and see’s a woman run away from a press only to find a body still jammed under the heavy press. Sacre bleu!

The police are informed and the wife admits to the crime and is pretty much declared insane. As the movie plods along we know there’s something a foot. Francois (played by the almighty Vincent Price) is the brother of the dead man, Andre, who fancies his (now dead) brothers wife, Helene so, obviously, he is trying to clear her name but is finding it a tad difficult.

No one (other than Helene) knows what her scientist husband, Andre, was working on, and she’s keeping tight lipped. Inspector Charas is leading the investigation and is pretty much calling in the wagons with the straitjackets for Helene, but Francois managed to prise a confession from Helene by tricking her with a lie.

The next 40mins or so are Helene’s confession of what her husband was up to, what happened, and how she killed him. I won’t go in to too much detail on the story as there’s a nice quirky ending.

Hooray! No CGI!

And, no, it’s not the same storyline/ending as the Cronenberg film.

It’s definitely a classic flick, no real gore/scares in ‘The Fly’ but the story is there and the acting is solid. Although, you might want to pass on the sequels…

Rating: ★★★★☆

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Night of the Demons (2009, Remake)

Cool pumpkins bro.

The original Night of the Demons (review here by yours truly) is a cult classic from the good old 80′s that is often grabbed by horror fans in October when they are in need of some Demon possession fun.  While it is dated, and many of the gags that back in the day must have been quite cool fall flat or just look silly in 2010, it is still an atmosphere laden gem that has that unmistakable intangible that modern day horror movies seem to lack…fun.  Enter the inevitable remake which. despite a cast of either no names or B-list talent, and a release that seemed to have come from nowhere, does a great job of encapsulating the spirit of the 80′s classic and even manages to provide some legitimate tension, jolt-scares, and prosthetic gore.  It isn’t perfect a perfect translation (but then again, the original wasn’t perfect either), but after wading through the slog of Hollywood horror remakes for the better part of the last decade, I found NOTD 09′ to be a refreshing blast of sleazy, raunchy, gooey fun that has just enough tricks up its sleeve to ascend into a rare upper echelon of not only downright groovy horror remakes, but just plain fun and radical horror movies in general.

That is totally the kind of house where slutty, boozing, pot smoking 20 somethings bite the dust. Oops, spoilers.

Since NOTD 09′ (that’s my cool little shorthand name for it, deal with it) is the kind of movie that doesn’t beg for any real type of analysis or even that much explanation, I’ll keep this fairly brief.  Some entirely-too-good-looking-to-be-anyone-who-exists-in-the-real-world 20 somethings are invited by the resident creepy goth chick, Angela, to a house with a long history of bloodletting and gruesome happenings dating back 150 years.  Of course, this party is taking place on Halloween night, because if you’re going to tempt fate, go big right?  After dancing, and obligatory party shots of chicks making out and girls wearing “clothing” that is so tight and revealing you wonder if they painted them on, the party eventually gets busted up by those ASSHOLE COPS who are only around when they can kill your buzz but always seem to run off once you’re inundated with the demonic un-fucking-dead.  So after some “we need to get back into the building to find our drunk whore friend and get her home” shenanigans, demons, who are trying to possess enough people on Halloween night in order to screw up some biblical loophole business, show up and start slowly turning people and causing the ruckus that they are known to do in any horror movie they find themselves in.  Demon orgy?  Check.  Demon Sex? Check.  Demon gut munching? Check. Very creative substance/material that demons are “allergic” too? Check.  DEMON LESBIANS?  CHECKKKKKKKKKK.  Someone at the Halloween party dressed up like the Jigsaw puppet from the SAW MOVIES?  MOTHERFUCKING CHECK!!!!!!

GETTING JIGGY WITH IT!

All jokes aside, the film is pretty well acted, and it even stars the kid from Terminator 2, Edward Furlong.  Also Doira Baird and some other floozies I’ve seen in a bunch of these horror movies lately.  It isn’t quite a gorefest, but when the gore is present, it’s done quite beautifully with rubber, latex and Karo syrup.  The boo scares are very clever and well-timed to hit on the down or off beats and there are more than a few fake out scares that are teeth grinders because you’re just waiting for the shit to hit the fan.  The ending is also clever enough to gain praise and it doesn’t fall into the typical trappings of “OMG WE HAVE TO LEAVE ROOM FOR A SEQUEL” end of  movie bullshit.  Since going on any further would mean I would just start spoiling the best parts, I’ll leave you with a HEARTY recommendation and a 3.5 out of 5 star score.  If you’re a fan of the originals, this is a must.  I mentioned the demon lesbians right?

Rating: ★★★½☆

Maybe she is born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline.

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Monsters

Monsters (TV Series)

If you grew up as a horror fan in the late 80′s then you probably know of the TV show ‘Monsters‘ if not? Then you’re missing out on something good!

Back when cable TV was a new fangled invention I sat glued to the TV every Saturday night and watched Monsters. The premise of each episode is simple, think of it as a low budget, horror themed, Twilight Zone. Each episode has only one/two settings, a main star (with several lesser known actors) and one monster. Sounds crap, but the stories would inevitably come to the rescue.

Episode one (The Feverman) stars David McCallum as said Feverman who cures the sick. But as he begins to cure the sick little girl in his basement, things go awry. He tears off his little glowing amulet and tosses it to one side.

As an onlooker asks how he can help, the Feverman has him pick up, and put on, the amulet. It’s now up to the onlooker to fight the fever that has returned to the little girl.

I don't like the look of yours much!

With the fever now outside of the girl the onlooker battles, and beats, the fever, but the now dying Feverman informs the onlooker that he is now The Feverman and every time he doesn’t use the amulet he will begin to wither away. “Charge high, pay high, and you’ll die content” he is told as the house keeper enters the room and says, “there’s another customer.”

Monsters is a cracking little horror show, catch it if you can. It ran for three seasons between 1988 and 1990 and has never been released on VHS or DVD which is nothing short of a travesty of justice. If I could find whoever owns the rights to Monsters I’d harass them to the ends of the earth to have it released on DVD.

Rating: ★★★★☆

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Lisa and the Devil (1974)

Lisa and the Devil may star Telly Salvalas and Elke Sommer in name, but the real main character is Mario Bava’s direction. I’ve never seen a camera so unwilling to be still, outside of the much maligned shaky-cam genre of recent years. Lisa (Sommer) gets lost while a tourist in a large European city. The camera goes madly from soft focus to hard repeatedly as she looks for a way back to her traveling companion in the main plaza; “everything is okay,” says the soft lens. “Wait, no, she’s totally fucked,” says the hard focus. We get the low angle shot to make us feel her confusion. She is framed in doorway after doorway, archways, even shadows of archways and they all tell us she’s important and that she’s making a transition. Into hell!

Finally rescued, it seems, by a traveling couple (Sylva Koscina, Eduardo Fajardo) and their chauffeur (Gabriele Tinti), she ends up stranded with them and their crap car at an old mansion. Salvalas is the butler there and now it is he who will be framed in doorways. He is the one who is important, in control. The characters walk over a bridge from the main house to a cottage and the camera moves quickly from a long shot, drawing our attention to the actors, to an extreme long shot, emphasing a marble structure with columns and a statue. This was the meeting place for Lisa’s former incarnation, Elena, and her lover/father-in-law, Carlo.

Oh, did I not tell you about Carlo? Old Carlo (Espartaco Santoni), when we first meet him, is a mannequin in the shop in town where Lisa first meets Salavas/Satan. Then he’s a dead guy being dragged around by the Devil, then a mannequin again, and finally he confronts Lisa. Lisa who is happily in soft focus again after the Devil points her way back to the plaza. A return which is interrupted by Carlo’s insistence that she is his old lover, a brief struggle as he grabs her and she tries to free herself, and then his subsequent fall down a flight of stairs to his apparent death.

But back to the mansion. The inhabitants, a countess (Alida Valli) and her son (Alessio Orano), recognize Lisa as well. The other travelers are clueless, especially since they are wrapped up in their own love triangle. Oh well, they’ll soon be dead, beginning with the chauffeur, who we are shown as a soft focus bloody corpse. But I thought soft focus meant everything was cool! Well. It seems Carlo was the countess’s husband, and he had an affair with Elena, who was the son’s wife. And like you do after you’ve had a cheating husband, the lady of the house takes it upon herself to stab the chauffeur to death with a pair of scissors. Obviously he had it coming (tee hee) because he’s banging his employer’s wife.

The original Elena is dead in the bed upstairs, and yet she is Lisa. Doesn’t make much sense, but we know her dead ass loves cake. The young man of the house leaves the travelers and his mother at dinner to go take her a piece. “It’s with chocolate sprinkles,” the Devil/butler tells him as he dishes it up in perhaps the creepiest discussion of chocolate sprinkles in human history. The Devil has a lot to say. He tells Lisa, “I find that invariably, Miss Lisa, there’s a very simple explanation for almost everything. Don’t you agree?” Is he in the same movie I just watched?

After a long night of mannequins and murder, Lisa wakes up naked in the ruins of the mansion. She thinks she has escaped her experience til she tries to go home on the biggest fucking airplane ever. There are lots of seats, but only eight passengers. She finds everyone from the mansion there, dead, herself dead as well, and Telly Salvalas as our captain. The end.

All I can figure is that Lisa did break up her in-laws’ marriage in a previous life and now she has to pay. None of the other people in the film look like they are from the 70s, and the couple and their chauffeur even drive a car that is obviously pre-WWII. So I’m thinking she went back to their time, played out the drama with them, and then the Devil took her on a plane ride. But who am I kidding. This movie is beautiful, sumptuous even, and extremely unsettling, but it completely defies explanation, other than that everyone dies but the Devil. Welcome once again, my friends, to the Italian horror movie.

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Friday the 13th: The Series

Friday the 13th: The Series

Two teens inherit an old antiques shop from their dear departed uncle Lewis. Unfortunately uncle Lewis was dabbling in the black arts and has been selling cursed antiques! Oh no!

OK, so it’s not going to win any awards for its storyline but look at the number of similar TV shows that have copied the format since, today we have Warehouse 13 (one of many) that is pretty much a carbon copy of F13:TS.

Episode one (which is what I’m reviewing, not the entire season) starts with uncle Lewis telling a couple and their daughter that his shop is closed, but they just want to have a rummage to get out of the bad weather so, he lets them in. But, the little girl starts pawing at things and tries to steal a (rather creepy looking) doll.

Turns out the doll can talk and ends up slashing a young thugs jugular. Nice! Lewis ends up getting the doll back, but he tells the father that the doll isn’t for sale and chucks them out of the store. From here we find out that something is amiss and that the devil is involved.

Now we see Micki (played by the HOT Louise Robey) and her cousin Ryan inheriting the antiques shop left behind by uncle Lewis. After most of the shop items have been sold off they catch an intruder, he turns out to be uncle Lewis’ old friend/nemesis who informs the cousins that the items in the shop are cursed and produces newspaper evidence. They quickly realise that the creepy doll has been sold to the father of the kid who tried to pinch it and that they need to recover it, and sharpish! They arrive as the little girls step-mother is wheeled out the house and into an ambulance. The kid and doll visit her in hospital and finish her off.

Eventually Micki and Ryan recover the doll, but realise that they need to recover all the items they just sold and pretty much everything that uncle Lewis sold before more nasty ‘accidents’ occur…

Louise Robey, no bra and a tight white top. Oh my!

Running for three seasons, from 1987 – 1990, Friday the 13th: The Series (originally called Friday’s Curse) is somewhat unusual in that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Friday the 13th movies. Nothing. Not a jot. But, it’s still a good little series on its own.

I’m not sure how long they’ll be able to keep it interesting though, but I’d definitely recommend it. You can get all three series’ on DVD now.

Rating: ★★★½☆

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Sharktopus (2010) – more Corman craziness!

Sharktopus (2010)

OK, this is the one I’ve been waiting for. Months ago the trailer for Sharktopus was posted online and right there and then I wanted to see it. I’ve had to wait nearly two months for this baby, was it worth it? Read on…

Plot (ha ha!): the Government has developed a part shark, part octopus, beast which will be their super weapon in the war against drugs (which I think the movie makers were taking copious amounts of). But the creature breaks free from their control and havok ensues.

OK, first things first: the monster is awesome. Not only does it eat people in the water, it drags people into the water and eats them. But what if they’re on dry land? No problem, our super shark/octopus can walk on land! That’s right folks, somehow this beast can breathe on land. I’ve no idea how, but it’s great.Vive la genetics!

Fucking AWESOMENESS!

Second, it all takes place on the beach, so there’s a shed-load of bikini clad laydeez! No boobies though, this is SyFy, awww. Sad. But there is blood! Yaayyy!

Obviously the story is ridiculous, the acting is average at best and what is Eric Roberts doing here? I’ve no idea. I reckon he’s seen the creature design thought, fuck yeah!, and signed up. And I don’t blame him, it is a great idea.

The effects are hit and miss. Sometimes it’s a rubber tentacle, sometimes it’s CGI. The CGI is, on its own, in some cases pretty good, but when it’s interwoven with people footage it’s a bit shoddy. But, hey, this IS low budget…

Was it worth the wait? Mmm… kinda. It could have been soooo much better (ie: more sharktopus and attacks) but as it is it’s still a fun, funny, movie. Doesn’t even try and take its self seriously, and that I do like!

Rating: ★★★½☆

Trailer:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2HGoR8pSps

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Ants! (1977)

The exclamation mark in the title of this post is not a typo. The movie I’m about to tell you all about really is called Ants! Ants! was part of a 70s trend of eco-horror movies to which people obviously paid no mind, as the situation with humans and the environment is now exponentially worse than it was in 1977. The ants in the title are mad as hell and not going to take it anymore,  so they stage a crawl-in at a resort. Toxic waste has given them poison in their bites which is enough to kill an adult human. Terror ensues.

Ants! was a TV movie, which may have those of you who gained consciousness after about 1985 pre-emptively yawning. What you have to understand is that TV movies were once exciting events worthy of having exclamation marks included in their titles. Perhaps this was because they roamed the earth during a time when most people had only three channels, but I believe today’s TV movie is a different animal altogether. TV movies in their heyday featured drama, scandal and thrills far beyond the “my brave struggle against my hermaphroditic husband who beat me up while I was struggling with earlobe cancer” crap we get served today. Trilogy of Terror, for example, was a TV movie. So was The Day After.

Not that I actually caught Ants! on TV. My first exposure to the movie was via an oversize box cover at the video store which featured Suzanne Somers’ breasts crawling with ants. Typical of the video release, the main character was forsaken for the person who actually was more famous at the time the movie became available on home video. The star of Ants!, the strong attractive woman in her 30s who says “terrific” a lot and who was not really struggling bravely against anything but ants, was the queen of the 70s, Lynda Day George. However, we don’t get to see Mrs. George’s breasts in the movie, ant-covered or otherwise.

Besides the strong youngish female character, another feature of the old TV movie was an aging screen star,  a requirement filled in this case by Myrna Loy who plays a hotel owner and George’s mother.  The construction workers who unwittingly release the killer ants are love interest Robert Foxworth and all-around badass Bernie Casey. Casey’s character is such a badass that the ant bites which kill almost everyone else in the movie only make him have to sit down for a bit. The bad guy, other than the ants, is greedy businessman Gerald Gordon. He wants to buy Ms. Loy’s hotel and turn it into a parking lot, and he wants to do it while “doing it” with his attractive assistant played by Somers. Rounding out the cast is Brian Dennehy as the fire chief.

Gordon as the bad guy really makes you hate him and look forward to his death, which is gratifying but doesn’t come ’til almost the end of the movie. There’s another great scene involving a bunch of useless rubberneckers who really shouldn’t be on the scene getting sprayed with killer ants by the wind created by a rescue helicopter. Their dumb asses cause the fire department to have to find another method to get the people trapped in the hotel away from the ants. Somers gets chewed up by ants while taking a nap in her hotel room after giving in to her boss’s master seduction techniques.

The “ant music” dominated by pizzicato violins that you’ve heard in every nature special ever is out in full force here. The effect used to make the ants form huge swirly lines on the outside of the hotel is awesome and as much a thing of beauty as an army of murderous ants can be. On the other hand, the effect of the ants forming a wall in front of the dig site from which they emerged is about as believable as the effects in Dio’s “Holy Diver” video.

I could have done without the sub-plot of the skanky hitchhiker who takes up with a lifeguard at the hotel just so she can have a place to shower, but it does lead to one of my personal favorite horror cliches, the couple who falls madly in love over the course of one day because of the trauma they’ve survived together. It’s fun to watch the search for the cause of the initially mysterious deaths, then Foxworth’s attempts to convince the health department the deaths have been caused by ants, and finally Dennehy and company’s rescue methods. Ultimately it is determined that the ants won’t attack you, even if they are all over you, unless you move. And of course, all the main characters who haven’t tried to cheat anyone after having soulless sex manage to live.

So the next time you start to kill some insects that really aren’t bothering you, imagine yourself motionless at the top floor of a hotel breathing through a tube with ants crawling all over you while Tommy Boy’s dad works to get you to safety. And move that picnic to another spot. You’re not Bernie Casey!

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Machete (2010) – Mexploitation madness!

Machete (2010)

I’ve been waiting for Machete since it was a mere trailer. Initially Machete was a spoof trailer at the start of the Grindhouse double bill. Even as a trailer it looked friggin awesome now, several years later, here it is – full length, and it’s a cracker!

The story is as anti-Mexican and anti-serious as it can get: The highly skilled Federale Machete is hired by some unsavory types to assassinate a senator. But just as he’s about to take the shot, he notices someone aiming at him and realizes he’s been set up. He barely survives the sniper’s bullet, and is soon out for revenge on his former employers, with the reluctant assistance of his old friend [...], who has become a priest and taken a vow of nonviolence. (IMDb.com)

The movie has everything that an exploitation movie should have, and more. It combines the best elements of the best exploitation (and blaxploitation) movies of the past and rolls them in to one big ol’ cheesy burrito.

Our man, Machete, is a man of few words. Then there’s the hot accomplice (Alba). Sluts with bare boobs (Lohan, barely recognisable in one shot where she has her clothes on). A nun with a gun. A chick with an eye patch… the list goes on.

It may be a Hollywood production, but it doesn’t skimp on the OTT action and gore. There’s decap’s, severed limbs, the whole gamut of injuries and deaths. Even injuries by weed whacker (no, seriously, there is).

Trejo is perfect as Machete, he just looks leather faced and mean. Alba looks nothing like your average immigration cop but, hey, every movie needs eye candy! Steven Segal is great as the giant Mexican drug lord type dude and Don Johnson (yes, that Don Johnson) is awesome as the mad Mexican murderer protecting his ‘daddies land’. The hitman, brought in to eliminate Machete is even played by effects maestro Tom Savini!

I reckon Machete is easily the best action/exploitation film I’ve seen from Hollywood. My previous favourite was Planet Terror, but Machete out does it by a whisker due to it being in the ‘real world’ yet still being corny enough for my liking. Watch it. Watch it NOW!

Rating: ★★★★½

Trailer:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIxcVzwLR1k

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Schlock! The Secret History of American Movies

Schlock! The Secret History of American Movies (2001)

Schlock! The Secret History of American Movies is a documentary about, as its title suggests, the history of American movies, but not your Hollywood blockbusters, oh no, this is about the history of American exploitation movies.

The documentary begins with the end of World War II, the baby boom, televisions and quite probably the first ‘scream queen’, Vampira, who introduced the viewers to low budget movies on TV. The mid 50′s brought many headaches to Hollywood, not just people watching TV rather than going to the movies, but a law came in to force breaking up the monopoly that the studios had. The ‘theatre divorcement’ as it was nicknamed.

Around this time AIP started up producing low budget movies that put teens in the limelight with rebellion at the forefront. Then Roger Corman appears…

Vampira - the black and white version of Elvira

Corman could turn out films within days on a low budget yet still make a profit, something that AIP quite liked, and so a partnership was formed. Next thing you know we’re getting colour, Corman and Vincent Price. All in one film!

The 30min mark is where it heats up and moves in to sinema. It’s here that exploitation movies came in to their own. Hollywood movies were forbidden to show certain things in movies, but low-budget studios didn’t have the same constraints as Hollywood so they churned out the nudist, nudie-cuties, and then you have Russ Meyer.

Boredom set in and now in the early 60′s the exploiteers were looking for a new niche. Enter, Blood Feast.

The infamous 'Blood Feast'.

Prior to Blood Feast (as one man puts it) ‘no one had ever filmed blood before, or saw anyone die with their eyes open.’ After that came the ‘roughies’ which were the ‘torture-porn’ of their day with men beating women black and blue (in black and white). But when the restrictions on Hollywood are lifted, there’s no niches left for the cunning exploiteers and low-budget independent movies effectively died.

Schlock! is really interesting documentary, there’s plenty of good titbits of info and trivia in here and it’s amazing to see how much of Hollywood is built upon the shoulders of Corman. His films may suck at times, but without him there’d be no Jack Nicholson, Peter Fonda, Dennis Hopper, Robert De Niro, Francis Ford Coppola, Joe Dante, James Cameron… the list goes on. They all worked with Corman, many getting their big break (or starring role) thanks to Corman.

It’s kinda like watching a documentary on the Titanic, you know the sad end is coming, but at least with exploitation films you know it’s not THE end… as one interviewee commented ‘exploitation films are still alive, everything out of Hollywood now is exploitation.’

Rating: ★★★★☆

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Skeleton Farm’s Halloween Horrorshow!

Skeleton Farm's Halloween Horrorshow

As we head in to September it’s not long until that holiday of holiday’s makes an appearance, Halloween. Skeleton Farm have already turned out a new Halloween DVD, like the shopping channels who start showing Christmas decorations in July, but not as bad.

The DVD (yes, it’s a DVD, not just a bog standard AVI mixtape) has a nice menu with several options (trailer etc.) but the mixtape its self starts with a mad doctor (it says so on his lab coat) who tries to sound scary, but just sounds creepy, in a pedo way. Speaking of mad and creepy, we get to some Alice Cooper audio with some cool zombie artwork and animation. Not only that, but within two minutes we get some jiggly boobies! Yay!

White Zombie (Boogie Man) provides the audio for the next part of the tape which is more jiggly boobs, oh and some gore clips mixed in with the video for aforementioned audio track.

I particularly liked the clip from Tales from the Crypt with the Crypt Keeper dressed as Elvis. Couldn’t resist taking a screenshot of that!

Well, there's something you don't see every day...

Next, more groovy Halloween themed audio with a video of dancing skeletons wearing fez hats. Nice! I had no idea there was a rap song about Nightmare on Elm Street which has a video starting three largely overweight men running from Freddy Krueger. Thanks (I think!) to this mixtape I now have that memory engraved in my brain…

The Monster Mash is next with a cool stop-motion video! Yay for stop-motion! The half-way mark gives us a another groovy tune with some classic 50′s animation of skeletons trying to dice up a little dog (or something like that). Next is a horribly cheesy and embarrassing music video from the 80′s, fluffy man hair and gay dance moves aplenty.

Much kudos goes to Skeleton Farm for including some Groovy Ghoulies in here too, it’s not the cartoon’s intro, but it reminded me of my Saturday morning cartoon marathons. Another reminder was just how disco Alice Cooper sounded at times. He’s Back (The Man Behind The Mask)… I remembered it as such a cool song, but the Halloween Horrorshow has reminded me that it is in fact incredibly non-rock/metal sounding. Shame… but it does have some cool shots of Jason.

The last five minutes is a gore-a-thon and ends with a clip of Vincent Price making a simple poem sound creepy as hell, as only he can.

Halloween Horrorshow is top notch stuff. It has good quality videos, groovy Halloween sounds, it’s free and even comes with free DVD covers for you to print out! Yay!

It’s the perfect background audio/video for your Halloween party 2010.

Rating: ★★★★☆

I’d love to post a link to the torrent, but I couldn’t possibly go… http://tracker.zaerc.com/torrents-details.php?id=15138 OOPS! how did that happen?… :D

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