The original Piranha movie was hardly an Oscar contender so I really wasn’t expecting much from this or it’s 3D

*WOOT! WOOT! RANT ALERT, RANT ALERT

Dear Hollywood,

I appreciate that your films are making less and less money, even though you spend more and more on them, and need gimmicks now more than ever but would you just FUCK OFF with the 3D? It’s a pain in the ass and not new, there’s been ’3D’ films since the 50′s now dump the 3D and get some decent script writers maybe then people will watch your films.

Yours (downloading) faithfully,
Ronnie

So, I expect you want a plot synopsis then? OK, if you must:  Every year the population of sleepy Lake Victoria explodes from 5,000 to 50,000 for Spring Break, a riot of sun and drunken fun. But this year, there’s something more to worry about than hangovers and complaints from local old timers; a new type of terror is about to be cut loose on Lake Victoria. After a sudden underwater tremor sets free scores of the prehistoric man-eating fish, an unlikely group of strangers must band together to stop themselves from becoming fish food for the areas new razor-toothed residents. (IMDb.com)

First things first, you can sleep for the first 30mins of the film, nothing to see here. It’s all students-gone-wild and boring character introduction. Only after the 30min mark do you see any piranha. But, while waiting for the piranha you can always admire the boobage. Yes, there’s plenty of racks on display here! 40mins in is the first decent kill with gore. Some chick with big hooters and a parachute is being dragged behind a boat but, unfortunately for her, she ends up in the water and the next time she lifts up in to the sky… well, let’s just say that there’s a fair bit less of her to lift. The highlight of the film is at the 50min mark where the highly annoying students are told to leave the water, and the area, but no… they all continue to party and dive in to the water. And thank God they do. There’s a massacre, and it is good. One chick is hit by a high tension wire which slices through her diagonally, one selfish dude grabs a speedboat to make a get away. Not only is he mowing people down left right and center but his engine gets snagged. Snagged on some chick hair. When the propellers start up it rips her entire face off. Nice! There’s also a nice piranha-eating-its-way-out of a chick. The next scene of note is the bad-ass sheriff who slices and dices a few piranha with a speedboat motor. After the one hour mark though it’s all down hill again. I think there’s one gore scene for the next half hour then the crappy ending.

I expected worse, there is a good 30mins of blood, gore and action, but with 30mins on either side of it, it could have been planned out a bit better. The gore was pretty good and there were plenty of boobs so I’m giving it…

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

The documentary, narrated by Lance Henrikson, starts with the movies made after the real horror of World War 1 and moves along swiftly in to the gothic era of Lon Chaney (Phantom of the Opera et al), Bela Lugosi (Dracula) and  the creature features of Frankstein and King Kong. Along the way we see clips from all the relevant movies with brief thoughts from directors such as Joe Dante, Brian Yuzna, John Carpenter and, of course, George A Romero.

A third of the way in to the 92 min doc and we move in to the colour era with Blood Feast and down into the depths with Last House on the Left and the other shocker movies of that time, including the more recent The Exorcist. The next batch is the slasher era with Friday 13th (good batch of clips showing plenty of boobage), Halloween and all that bunch, returning to the classic monster theme with The Howling. Next is George Romero explaining the meanings behind his numerous zombie epics and moving along in to the more comedy based horrors (Ghostbusters, Gremlins and the like) with, of course, mentions of the horror icons such as Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street) and Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs) and what made them the heroes, rather than the villains that they should have been.

As the documentary winds down it tries to justify remakes of Texas Chainsaw Massacre (which actually wasn’t that bad) and several others. It also very briefly mentions the little nuggets of gold that are also coming out of non-American countries with clips from Pan’s Labyrinth and (one that I hadn’t seen, but need to track down) The Devil’s Backbone, both directed by Guillermo Del Toro (who’s name I’ve more than likely spelled horribly wrong) and with that, it ends.

Nightmares in Red, White and Blue runs at, as I said, 92 mins, but it was interesting enough that I didn’t have to check my watch out of boredom, so kudos to the makers for keeping me interested for over an hour. They got all the big name directors in there for comments, showed clips from the films I expected to see, gave the history in chronological order (which kept things flowing nicely), gave me some knowledge and, as a bonus, a couple of movies to look out for. Can’t complain there!

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fK2bBfuepKk

Srpski film, aka: A Serbian Film (2010)

I’ve reviewed some sick and harsh films over the years (eg: Martyrs, Ebola Syndrome, The Human Centipede etc.) but this one takes the biscuit. In fact, it eats the entire packet and spits the crumbs in my face!

Srpski Film (aka: A Serbian Film) goes places no film should go. Yes, I’ll be hyping this film up and not giving away too many scenes, but where I do explain an OTT scene, I’ll cover it with a spoiler tag. The reason being that you should see this film without knowing the main scenes that make it surely THE most outrageous film ever.

The story: Milos is a former porn star who is down on his luck financially. When he receives a call from his long-time movie actress partner, Layla, he welcomes her call. Apparently she’s heard that a new film director wants to hire Milos to star in his “artistically-designed” porn film for a very generous price. He is easily lured form his semi-retirement by the lucrative offer, agreeing to meet the director in an isolated mansion. As the filming progresses, Milo begins to suspect that the director’s intentions may be darker than mere pornography. As the film begins to devolve into a horrifically violent production, Milos finds escape may not be an option. (IMDb.com)

Sounds like your average torture-porn film, and it does seem like that initially. About one-third of the way in we see some rough (soft-core) porn, all movements and no penises (thankfully!) with some slapping. No big deal for us veterans of extreme horror. The half-way mark is when it all goes haywire. Y’see, poor Milos has no idea what this film he’s starring in is all about, it’s when the director shows him a clip that you realise that this is some sick stuff:

It's not what you're thinking... it's much MUCH worse!

Whatever you’re thinking probably isn’t what happens. If you really want to know, click the SPOILER link below to find out, but I urge you to watch the film and see for yourself.

Show Spoiler ▼

Poor Milos storms out of the showing and heads off in his car. But a hot chick approaches his car and he can’t keep his hands off her. Next thing you know he’s waking up, in bed, covered in cuts, bruises and blood. Oh dear!

She's cuffed to the bed, he has a machete and there's rigor mortis involved. Uh oh!

Now Milos has to piece together what has happened to him. This is shown in a series of flashbacks. As we head towards the end of the film the director has filming Milos in increasingly depraved situations. The main crux of those I shant reveal, you’ll have to watch the movie for them, but needless to say, you’ll either be sitting back, mouth open, saying ‘what the FUCK?!’, or looking away in disgust. One scene in particular which I certainly wasn’t expecting was one involving Milos and one of the directors heavies.

Show Spoiler ▼

And if you think you’re going to get a happy ending, think again. That’s all I’m saying.

Like I said, I thought I’d seen it all, then this ‘thing’ turns up. I’m kinda stuck on rating this one, as if I give it a high rating then I’m saying that I enjoyed what I saw, and I didn’t really! Hours after having watched it, I still couldn’t shake off some of those scenes. But, by giving it a low mark, I’d be dismissing what is, for all intents and purposes a well made and well thought out film. The story is good, it has some good twists, and it’s technically good. So, my score is based on a rating of one being nothing special, to five, with five being outrageous sickness…

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Don’t expect to see this film uncut on any shelves!

Trailer:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0zPbwuKANU

Right, this is getting ridiculous. IMDb doesn’t even have a synopsis for this epic battle movie. Mr Corman, you’re really making me work here, and I’m not happy about it!

So *ahem* the movie is about a hot MILF in the middle of nowhere who is some sort of scientist on some island somewhere. They use some sort of growth ‘stuff’ (am I getting to technical?) to create a gigantic crocodile and an equally large alligator. And lo, Dinocroc and Supergator were born. Then escaped. But, more importantly, the hot MILF is none other than Delia Sheppard, Penthouse Pet from April 1988

Hot MILF scientist who seems to have Dinocroc and Supergator fighting under her hospital gown...

Hot MILF scientist while going through college...

I’m not even going to continue with a synopsis. Basically, two monsters rampage through a jungle, eating folk. The only way to kill them is to pit them against one another. Wait, haven’t I heard of something like this before?

This is, as you’d expect, this is a Syfy Channel exclusive. In other words: no one else would touch this with a ten foot barge pole. The only good thing going for this film is that the ‘stars’ of the movie make a quick appearance and are continually seen eating people.

The two creatures are, unfortunately, CGI but even for having zero budget they’re pretty well done. Not exactly Jurassic Park but, hey, waddya expect. Speaking of Jurassic Park, it would seem the sound men have done some *ahem* ‘liberal borrowing’ of sounds from said movie. Oh, and scenes. Big jeep pursued by one large reptilian beast. Coincidence? I think not.

The movie also features David Carradine in one of his last performances. His last performance being somewhat kinky and eventually snuffing him. So, it seems that if you’re famous your last movies are always your worst, so that you don’t go out with a bang.

There is some gore in the movie, but it’s all CGI’d and done pretty badly:

In the end, all women in this movie strip to a bikini then die. No bad thing...

… but, hey, what can one expect from a Syfy original movie.

All the deaths are your usual ‘oh I’ll just stand here by the water here and get gulped’ or ‘I’ll just stand here, cover my face with my hands, and wait for the inevitable’.

All in all, not impressed. At least it didn’t take its self seriously, which is just as well really. It was OK, but it didn’t quite beat Megashark vs Giant Octopus for all out bizarreness…

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

[

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RM0-WLbvaw8

Mahakaal (1993)

‘Plot’: A demon torments the family and friends of Anita in order to take revenge on his death, which was caused by her police-officer father. The rest of the movie is how Anita tackles the demon with the help of her boyfriend. (from IMDb)

Ronnie (back story): Whilst watching a documentary on A Nightmare on Elm Street they showed a brief clip from, and mentioned, a Bollywood rip-off version called Mahakall. This just had to be tracked down and viewed. The results are shown below…

See? It's legit, they have a certificate to prove it...

Translators, you see what happens when you miss out even just a simple word?...

Spot the real Michael Jackson...

Ronnie: DEFINITELY a capture of his face talking about something meaty!!

Gayer than a screaming pink gay thing...

Ronnie: Although the ‘Nancy’ of the film has nice boobs

Ronnie: yeah, maybe using old film stock is part of the budget?

Ronnie: by the way, just you mentioning the 80′s look, this is a DVD rip

Ronnie: Nice one

Gratuitous shot of some awesome knockers

Ronnie: Yeah, but I’m focused on the chick with the big hooters and her white t-shirt

Ronnie: I recognise those two in the white t-shirt

I'm sniggering on the assumption that there's a missing 'g' in those subtitles...

Creepy dude is... creepy!

Ronnie: I’m seeing elements of every Hollywood film in the past twenty years!

Ronnie: yeah, look at those dresses

Ronnie: As the dude got arrested, MJ-man was picking his nose and wiped it on the bully guys t-shirt

Ronnie: Quite possibly!

Ronnie: Jesus… it’s only at the half way mark!

Ronnie: yeah

Ronnie: +1 to me!

Ronnie: indeed… elementary my dear Watson

Ronnie: You can’t deny its awesomeness so far

A miniature Freddy bursting from his belly would have saved this film... but, no... nothing.

Ronnie: That’s it, all problems are solved with a bottle of Scottish Johnny Walker whisky

Ronnie: WHOA, special effects!

Y M C A! Y M C A!...

Ronnie: are we taking bets on how it ends?

Ronnie: aw c’mon, ya can’t say it’s not had its moments

Ronnie: I’m giving it a positive rating for it’s bizarreness

Ronnie: I’m glad I did

Ronnie: And I know you’re glad I did too

Indi-Freddy from Nightmare on Mullet Street

Ronnie: Oh, wait, didn’t I tell you this is only the first half of the movie?

Ronnie: Yep

Ronnie: oh no, they stole the music too, remember?

Ronnie: I’m giving it, initially, a 3, but I’m lowering to 2.5 since we never did get to see those boobies

Alex’s Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

Ronnie’s Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

OK, by rights this is a ridiculous idea that should have me turning off my TV. But I’m the curious sort, and I do like anything non-Hollywood.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence, no less!) is from the Netherlands. But, the main character is German. The two girls are American. And the other guy is Japanese. So, you can’t say there’s no global appeal there…

The basic plot is of a mad German doctor/surgeon who is an expert with siamese twins, problem is… he’s flipped his lid and wants to take ordinary people and make them siamese, well three of them… to a centipede.

First things first, the German doctor/surgeon is as mad as a box of frogs and is brilliantly played by Dieter Laser. He IS your stereotypical mad Nazi surgeon, right down to the whip and jackboots, seriously. The victims do their jobs quite well considering that for most of the film the two girls mumble. Well, you would too if your mouth was stapled to someone’s ass.

You see, our mad German friend has already practiced on his own three rottweiler dogs and now wants to up the ante to humans. He abducts a truck driver, doesn’t think he’s suitable so bumps him off and buries him in the garden. Two dippy American chicks get lost while on holiday in the Fatherland and turn up the Dr’s house. After feeding them Alex’s secret potion, sorry I mean: Rohypnol, they are tied to beds. The good Dr acquires a new chap and he’s (luckily?) chosen to be the front of the centipede. So, as they lie there, tied to beds, the doctor does a fine slide presentation to them about how they’ll be joined from ass to mouth and when A is fed, the food will pass… well, I’m sure you can guess the rest.

The good Doctor and his human centipede. In this scene, he's going to teach the centipede to fetch his newspaper and bring it to him. No, seriously, he is... I'm not making it up, I SWEAR!

We really don’t see much in the way of gore in the film, but we do see the ‘subjects’ being prepared then as the centipede. But there are some sick SICK scenes in the movie.

Here he squeezes some puss from the facial wound of subject C - from this he determines that she is sick. NO SHIT Hitler!

In the snippet above, the Dr squeezes puss from the last persons wound, gives it a sniff, and determines that she is, in fact, sick. Possibly dying. Seeing puss squeezed from a stapled up wound even made me cringe. Eugh!

The scene where the guy in front decides he needs to take a dump is… well, psychological to the viewer. While the good Doctor dances with great glee at one section ‘feeding’ the other. Bizarre to say the least.

The special effects are basic, some face pieces to make it look like they’re stitched together, but most of the doctors handiwork is hidden by bandages. Probably for the best.

I really didn’t expect much from this film, but it delivered in spades. It’s a VERY dark horror comedy, with the comedy being provided by the comments made by the mad German doctor. We find them funny, but he’s quite serious about things.

If you want a film that’ll make you say ‘what the…’ several times, then this is the one. Definitely one I’d show to someone just to hear their comments on it.

Oh, and (according to IMDb) there will be a Human Centipede (Full Sequence) in 2011. I’m not sure how they’ll work it, but I’ll certainly be looking out for it!

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

Maniac Cop (1988)

I remember seeing this waaaay back when it appeared on (VHS) video in the late eighties (early nineties) and was eager to see how it stood up twenty-odd years after its release. And it still kinda works.

The plot is basic, to say the least, but sufficient. A killer cop is roaming the streets killing innocent people. One cop (played by Bruce Campbell no less) is framed for the killings and has to prove himself innocent.

The film thankfully starts with the maniac cop killing then fills in the details later which I much prefer to the story first, bad guy later, that seems so prevalent now-a-days. A woman is fleeing from some muggers and spots a cop. Having run to the cop to explain her predicament, he grabs her by the throat and snaps her neck like a twig.

From then on the maniac seems to have an agenda. He seems to be killing particular people. Is he getting help from the inside? And who is he? All is revealed as the film comes to a close.

There’s really not much gore at all in the movie, which is a shame. I think of this movie as a Friday 13th but without the spectacular deaths and gore. Come to think about it, the maniac cop does kinda sulk about in the shadows like Jason.

Tom Atkins does not approve of your mullet.

Not only does Bruce Campbell play the framed cop, but Sam Raimi makes an appearance as a TV news reporter which was a nice touch, and with Tom Atkins playing the main detective, you really can’t go wrong. Add some eye candy in with the framed cops lover (who’s also a cop and was in an episode of Freddy’s Nightmares and Matlock – so she must be good) and you’ve got yourself a veritable visual extravaganza.

She was undercover as a hooker, why she remains dressed as said hooker for the entire film is unknown... she's also the framed cops bit on the side.

The film is a bit lame here and there as it pads out it’s time and fills in the who, what, why, where, when of the manic, and the main detective seems to be psychic in that he gets ‘a feeling’ (oo-er!) which is inevitably spot on.

For all the bad things I’ve said about it, it’s still a pretty enjoyable film. Now I’ll have to watch the two sequels.

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Some folks made a short movie, in 2008, to try and resurrect Maniac Cop, you can watch the full short via IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/video/wab/vi411632665/

Suck Flintlock you Heathens.

The opening of the film quickly paints the portrait of the bloodthirsty mercenary Solomon Kane, a man who, unbeknownst to him, has apparently made a deal with the Devil for his soul, and in return has been granted quite impressive battling abilities and a rapid rise to the mantle of one of the worlds most deadly combatants and exceptional leaders of armed forces.  He is portrayed as something of a conquerer, but when confronted by the Devil himself,  he quickly changes his brazen ways and seeks asylum in a sleepy, snow-capped abbey, which shelters him from the satanic forces which have so boldly come knocking looking for their pound of flesh…or pound of soul in this case.  James Purefoy plays our unlikely hero, a man with substantial acting range and credentials (movie, TV, theater, etc) and does a more than admirable job conveying the inner conflict that dominates much of the second act in the film.  Director Michael Basset (whose two directing credits are Deathwatch and Wilderness, two horror films which are both held in fairly high regard in the horror community) shows equally great command of the lens as Purefoy does of evoking the emotional spread of Solomon throughout the film.  As what I see as the two major forces behind this venture (Purefoy as our main and Bassett as our director), the tandem make quick work of the two-fold metamorphosis of Kane, from reckless and unstoppable killing machine, to borderline coward and born again man of peaceful faith, and back to vengeful, albeit much more pure, dealer of righteous death.  The cast which surrounds Purefoy and acts as the vehicle for Bassetts script and directing arm are equally up to the task of delivering the words and emotions with more than enough gravity and vigor, which helps to make the genesis of Solomon all the more enjoyable and believable.  Bassett knows when to pull the metaphorical trigger on omon and unleash his fury, and when he does the film ramps up to 11 and never looks back.

The Devil has one pimping sword.

To go along with the admittedly surprising acting and directing is set, costume and effects designs that wouldn’t feel out-of-place in a much larger budget, nationwide theatrical release.  The cgi is kept to a minimum, and what is there is perfectly adequate and not cringe-inducing, as if often the case for films without massive studios and resources behind them.  The costume and sets/locations are all wonderful as well, with Solomon’s look feeling unique and well…badass enough to make him stand out without being too flashy and colourful as to make him look out-of-place.  Since Solomon has made the jump to modern-day comic books, I would be remiss without acknowledging the comic book to movie type treatment this film has, and I say that in the best of ways.  This flick comes off as a strong and competent origin story for Solomon, and I truly mean what I said earlier when I mentioned how desperately I want to see the team who brought us this movie get a crack at furthering their interpretation and following future adventures of Kane.  For those wondering, there is even a bit of gore which works hand in hand with the visceral nature of the combat.  The fight choreography is present, but there is still a rugged grittyness to the swashbuckling here, and while the blood and viscera doesn’t flow quite as liberally as in a proper horror or gore flick, there are moments where I sat a little slack-jawed and saying things to myself like “DAMN SON, SOLOMON JUST FUCKED HIS ASS UP!”  Good times, as the kids say.

This bad dude is wearing someone elses face on top of his face. That's how you know he is not to be fucked with.

When the credits rolled on this bad boy, I immediately told my mom check it out.  For those of you who might be new to Midnight Showing, my mother and I share a strong film bond, and we often will stop everything we’re doing to alert one another of cinematic gold we stumble upon.  For my mother and I, it’s one of the highest honors we can award a flick.  Everything about Solomon Kane reeked of awesome.  The music was outstanding, the production values were above and beyond what I thought was possible from a film that seemed more of a passion project than outright studio product, and the story held my attention and never let it go, not even for an instant.  Kudos to Bassett for continuing to hone his impressive skills, and likewise to anyone who was involved in this flick, as it certainly has skyrocketed to the top of my “best sleeper flicks of 2010″ list and I shall be recommending ad nauseum to anyone whose ear I can grab for a few moments.  Do yourself a favor and support this one if the opportunity arrises.  You won’t be disappointed.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

The oringinal A Nightmare on Elm Street has a rabid fan-base. They’re highly protective of their slasher and treat Robert Englund as God-like (and rightly so). Thus, doing a remake of the original was always going to provoke a negative reaction, but to not case Mr. Englund?  Then… then they changed the look of Freddy’s face! Now it’s getting in to death threat territory!

I’m not going to tell you the plot of A Nightmare on Elm Street because if you don’t know it, you need shooting. Simple as that.

I’m pleased to say that I think they’ve done the character of Freddy proud. There’s been a ton of negative reviews, but I think most of them are folks who just can’t look past the 80′s and Mr. Englund. I too was gutted to read that he wouldn’t be playing Freddy, but – credit where it’s due – Mr Haley has done well with what he had. Let me explain.

The face of Freddy has changed. Once a highly prized secret… the cat is now out of the bag, so to speak, and we see Freddy as a more realistic burn victim.

Freddy Kruger 2010

This I think presented some problems to Haley’s speech as he sounds quite emotionless and his lips barely move. Maybe it’s intentional, but the voice could do with a bit more work, in saying that though – as the film progresses the voice does seem to get better, I’m not sure if it’s just the lines giving him more to be emotive about, but Freddy certainly picks up pace after the half-way mark.

more Freddy Krueger goodness

The make-up while probably being realistic for a burn victim, it’s a bit too… busy (for want of a better word) as rather than looking him in the eye, you’re too busy looking at scarring, visible muscle tissue and how pale the skin looks. I do prefer the early-to-middle Englund-era look.

The film is a bit low on the scare factor, but I prefer to think of Freddy as being less of a scare monger and more of a hiding-in-the-shadows-bad-ass which is exactly what he does in this film.

One thing I did expect was to have 30mins of teen babble, maybe a shadow of Freddy at the 40min mark and then some teeny-bashing for the last quarter. WRONG! Freddy (and his face) is visible within the first ten minutes and pops up throughout the film which is something I didn’t expect, so kudos to the film makers for not keeping Freddy in the shadows forever.

Gore is sadly lacking in the remake. There’s the usual quadruple slash marks and the odd cutting here and there, but nothing really gory. Right near the end we finally get some decent gore, but I think the film could have benefited from some spilled guts here and there.

There’s certainly plenty of sickness in the film with Freddy prior reputation as a kiddy-fiddler, but the script plays on that to good effect. I’ll say no more as it’d spoil the story.

I have to say, I’m pleasantly surprised by the remake. All the classic scenes (from the original) are here all-be-it a tad different, but they’re there in one form or another and Freddy, while being serious most of the time, still has a quip here and there, like when Nancy is stuck in goop (the equivalent of the original sticky-stairs scene) Freddy quips “Now that’s a wet dream!”

While the remake didn’t give me wet dreams, it did leave me with a sense of relief that it isn’t as bad as the fanboys make it out to be, and that the makers have left the legend of Freddy Krueger intact.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars