The Exterminator (1980)

One of the better exploitation films from my youth was The Exterminator. I still remember his catchphrase of “If you’re lying, I’ll be back”, so when the remastered directors cut surfaced, I had to see it. Fast forward to December 2011 and here it is, in all it’s bloody gory glory. The story is a simple vigilante story: When John Eastland’s best friend, Michael Jefferson, is mugged and left permanently crippled, he decides to do something about it. Jefferson had saved Eastland’s life in Vietnam and now it’s time for Eastland to get revenge for his friend. Using his old Army gear he sets out on a crusade to clean up the streets of New York using the name “The Exterminator.” [IMDb]

The movie starts out with our two main characters escaping a Vietnamese attack. Yep, you guessed it, they’re Vietnam vets. I should stress here that it’s rather well done for a cheap film. There’s some big, and I mean BIG, explosions, plenty of fire and a fair bit of gore, ie: a decapitation, when the Vietnamese are demanding information. I haven’t seen this film in years and wasn’t expecting the decap, so when it happened it totally unexpected and, for the time, very well done, FX-wise I mean.

Now THAT's a gaping wound!

Our main character (played by Robert Ginty) is down and saved by his sidekick. Once air lifted to safety we see them working at a meat market. Mr. Ginty walks in on a robbery and is, again, saved by his cohort. Unfortunately for his cohort he’s later attacked by the robbers and is left crippled. It’s here that our man has been (as the cover says) ‘pushed too far’.

Immediate +1 for having a flame thrower!

After hunting down the guys who crippled his war buddy, our man goes after various other scumbags who cross him in various ways. Needless to say, most of them end up worst off.

Why yes, it is a man (in chains) dangling above a giant meat grinder.

I remembered it fondly as a fine exploitation film of the vigilante era and was hesitant to watch it in case I spoiled some fond memories, but even now, 30yrs later it’s still a cracking good film.

The beheading is an excellent effect, others are your bog standard blood splats and what-have-you. The acting is good, but there’s absolutely no funny parts to this movie. Not a jot. On the bright side though, there are some nekkid b00bs.

We're offering a BOGOF today, Sir. Look at some fine female boobs and you get to see some man boobs absolutely free!

I highly recommend this fine vigilante film if you’re in the mood to see scumbags getting their comeuppance, and it has a good ending. Now… should I watch The Exterminator 2 next, or the original Death Wish? Hmm…

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

The Human Centipede II - Full Sequence (2011)

In case you’ve been living on Mars lately The Human Centipede 2 has landed! Can it out do it’s prequel (Human Centipede – First Sequence)? Let’s have a look and see…

The storyline is as thus: Martin is a mentally disturbed loner who lives with his mother in a bleak housing project. He works the night shift as a security guard in an equally grim and foreboding underground parking complex. To escape his dreary existence, Martin loses himself in the fantasy world of the cult horror film The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009), fetishizing the meticulous surgical skills of the gifted Dr. Heiter, whose knowledge of the human gastrointestinal system inspires Martin to attempt the unthinkable.

That’s right folks, Martin is so obsessed by creepy German doctor Heiter that he’s going to attempt to create a 12 person centipede! Go creepy Martin!

Creepy Martin is creepy...

And when I say creepy, I mean CREEPY! Martin, played by new comer Laurence Harvey is very disturbing. He also never says a single word throughout the entire film, and it works.

The film begins with Martin on the job (night shift security guard) watching The Human Centipede on his laptop. After he’s dispatched his first two victims it’s all down hill from there. His mother is constantly moaning at him, his neighbour upstairs is constantly blasting out shitty music (and picking on Martin) all this culminates in Martin snapping and deciding to follow his hero. Nay. Out do his hero!

Having  gathered together his twelve victims he begins to splice them together. Unfortunately due to a few mishaps here and there (happens to the best of surgeons) a couple of folks were, uh, ‘lost’, shall we say. But, due to the magic of gaffa tape and a staple gun, Martin shines through in the end with a ten person centipede. Hoorah!

What would we do without gaffa tape eh?

But, all does not go as planned for ‘Dr.’ Martin (I shant spoil it all) and things break down.

Let me just explain this screenshot. Top right is a naked pregnant chick and bottom left is Martin raping the centipede. Now there's something you don't see every day...

The film, which was apparently shot in colour, is (in the final cut) almost entirely in black and white. I say entirely as there is a spattering of colour. That’s an in joke. Watch it and you’ll see what I mean.

Did Mr. Six out do himself in Centipede 2? I think so. He managed to get the film completely banned here in the UK due to its insanity. With over 2mins of cuts they’ve given him an 18 certificate (highest you can get apart from a porn film) and I can see why. There’s everything from centipede rape to squished foetuses. Seriously!

Is there a plot? Kinda. Do I give a rats ass? No. Although I’d love to see the full colour version which I hope we see as a directors cut.

Roll on Centipede 3!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okZZca4EfAQ

Machete Maidens Unleashed! (2010)

Another exploitation documentary, but this time with a twist. This one explores the movies from, and made in, the Philipine’s. Many with the help of the infamous Ferdinand Marcos (he of the wife with many shoes).

Covering everything from the women in prison/cage genre through to Weng Weng (the midget James Bond), but with Roger Corman being the link between each film.

The documentary is pretty much all interviews, and begins with directors, and producers, explaining how it was far cheaper to film the entire thing in the Philippines’s as they could hire everything there. The Philippines’s had a thriving movie industry and had everything at hand, and when they say everything, they mean everything, including the army! Actors, stunt men, demolition experts, you name it it was all there, and cheap, so it made sense for Corman and his directors to film there.

It began with a couple of cheap horror films then boomed into the women in prison genre.

Mentioned 'women in prison', need to show boobs...

Corman got tired of them and thought, ” hey, let’s put black people up front” and lo, the blaxploitation genre began. Next thing you know you have one armed executioners. No, I’m not kidding, there really is a film about a one armed executioner (from 1981)!

Drawing to a close the documentary spends several minutes talking about Apocalypse Now which was shot entirely in the Philippine’s (under Marcos), using the Philippino army and ended up looking nothing like Vietnam!

It’s a great documentary with many funny stories from the actors and actresses who sometimes had a terrible time in the Philippines, but still smile when telling the stories.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

American Grindhouse (2010)

American Grindhouse lays out our favourite deviancy chronologically. Right from the creation of the moving picture through to some recent picks such as Planet Terror and the like.

Our journey starts with the creation of the moving picture and how it spawned exploitation in the sense of your great-grandma whipping off her drawers to ‘titilate’ viewers. Shame on you grandma!

Exploitation, as we know it, began with the movie ‘Traffic of Souls’ which tells the story of white people being bought and sold as slaves. It was a rumour of the time that spawned a movie, but it was the first movie to exploit a genre/story and lo exploitation films were born. Yay!

The documentary briefly discusses the introduction of codes of conduct, the big classics (Dracula, Frankenstein etc.), then discusses the Tod Browning classic ‘Freaks’ which ruined the poor guy. If you haven’t seen it yet, you need to.

Moving into the 30′s it talks about the early crime dramas where criminals would discuss their crime, but with the movie always ending with a message of ‘crime doesn’t pay’. The 40′s, for some reason, brought the ‘educational’ film which either explained VD or showed child birth. Very odd!

Todays question is: guess the STD!

But the 40′s also brought us Hollywood ‘film noir’, so that’s OK then. The 50′s brought us dirty magazines, biker gangs and burlesque, and the 60′s gave us the nudist flick! It’s getting better and better all the time! Oh no, wait, the 60′s also gave us beach films. That’s beach, read it again, and the ‘roughies’ where women get their ass kicked for no real reason.

Fear not, the 60′s redeem themselves when one director decides to show the previously unseen and actually shows blood! Gasp! That’s right, along came a Mr H. G. Lewis and Blood Feast. From there on in… well, I’m sure you know the rest. Or you should know the rest!

Mr Blood Feast himself, H.G. Lewis

Oh, and some other film called ‘Psycho’ (or something) also came out around the same time. I don’t think the director of this Psycho ever got anywhere…

The 70′s gave us that crackpot Charles Manson, but it also gave us things like Last House on the Left. I’m not entirely sure if that’s a good thing or not. I’ll let you decide. It also gave us the genre we know as Blaxploitation. Love it or loathe it, it’s fuckin’ awesome. Possibly on the downside we also got the women-in-prison genre. Only good for boobs. Although this film historian, Kim Morgan, says that most women like to see other women naked and it turns them on. I love Kim Morgan!

Kim Morgan for President! And here was me thinking that all film historians were old bearded men.

Although The Big Bird Cage turned it all on its head by having gay prison guards looking after the women which is kinda funny.

By now were in the mid-70′s and that means Ilsa – Shewolf of the SS and a flood of Nazisploitation films. You name it, the Nazi’s were doing it. Closing the 70′s is when it became OK to show full sex and porn arrived, also bringing with it, into the 80′s, the animals-gone-mad films. Dozens of them. Hundreds probably!

Anyway, it’s a good documentary on our favourite genre of movies. A bit slow at the start as, I think, it spends a bit too much time setting the scene. It could have started with Freaks onwards, or even just started from Blood Feast onwards. Either way, it’s a good 90min history lesson on exploitation. Grab it if you can!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Right from the get go, we are assailed with a moving wall of text setting up why this film will never be able to be made again (which is true, this had to be made at a certain time for any chance at authenticity) and some mentions of a “code” that exists among the carny folk, among other things.  THIS is where I find FREAKS has the absolute most to offer anyone who watches it in todays morally bankrupt and culturally suicidal society.  For those that don’t know, the main arc examined through FREAKS is that of a couple (A Strongman performer type and a Trapeze broad who happens to be French if the accent was deciphered correctly by yours truly) that is plotting to get the lady in the couple to marry the roaming carnival promoter and then kill him in order to inherit the fortunes he apparently has coming to him.  Of course, our savvy band of deformed oddities and lovable monsters is a step ahead of the nefarious duo and their shady plan and, by the end of the film, kill the man (or at least we are led to believe that they killed him since we never see him again after he is stuck in the ribs with a knife and descended upon by a dozen or so blade wielding freaks crawling underneath a carriage in the middle of a terribly stormy night) and disfigure the trapeze artiste almost beyond recognition making her “one of them.”

Proud to be part of the Carnival of Blood Blogathon!

This is where I usually get to fist pumping and celebrating the no nonsense attitude these people took when dealing with folks who would seek to take advantage of them and, in the end, murder one of their own.  Nowadays, if someone marries into money, people applaud the move, or they get a reality tv show, or they are thought of as clever and smart and the most resentment you will get from the general public is jealousy instead complete and utter disgust.  The forces that control our media and institutions have engineered a climate where everyone is a potential enemy to the millions that is so rightfully yours and if ONLY you could get those sandbagging motherfuckers out of the picture, you would have less competition in your way and could realize your dream of being better than everyone else, consequences be damned.  But the FREAKS survive by travelling and working together to entertain audiences and use the curses that have been so unfairly bestowed upon them as a tool for something not unlike success.  They may be laugh at, teased, and ridiculed, but they have your attention and some of your cash, and they have done it by embracing what they and piquing your curiosity and allowing you to explore those emotions for a nominal fee.  Everyone wins and in a symbiotic and subconscious way, everyone takes care of everyone else.  What the fuck is better than that?

FREAKS Full Movie

Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives (2010)

From IMDb: A group of trannies are violently bashed and left for dead. The surviving ladies regain consciousness, confidence, and courage ready to seek out revenge on the ones who attacked them.

(18:57:10) Alex Seda: Helen Keller Joke right off the bat?
(18:57:13) Ronnie: I’m liking the crackly old style intro credits
(18:57:34) Alex Seda: They are packing on the Grindhouse feel pretty thick
(18:58:35) Alex Seda: This is a pretty slick uninterrupted shot for the credits
(18:59:09) Ronnie: yeah, shame everyone is either called ‘girl’ or ‘honey’
(18:59:41) Ronnie: Written & Directed by Israel?
(18:59:52) Alex Seda: The whole country!
(18:59:55) Ronnie: Jesus Christ they’re horrible trannies!

That's nothing, you should see the fourth one...

(19:00:12) Ronnie: ’Ladies’?! Where??
(19:00:33) Ronnie: ’Bubbles’??!!
(19:00:40) Alex Seda: Well, the title did say that there would be trannies and whatnot
(19:00:52) Alex Seda: Bubbles was my least favorite Powerpuff Girl
(19:00:52) Ronnie: Holy fuck!
(19:01:03) Ronnie: That’s a BIG girl!
(19:01:25) Alex Seda: That’s a whole lotta manwoman
(19:02:12) Ronnie: Tipper Somore? Nice name… +1 for that
(19:02:27) Ronnie: Emma Grashun
(19:02:44) Ronnie: OK, getting silly now, Rachel Slurr
(19:02:44) Alex Seda: I like how they broke this into chapters.
(19:03:03) Ronnie: yeah
(19:03:17) Alex Seda: That was halfway clever
(19:04:14) Ronnie: yeah, like ‘her’ removing a note from between her tits
(19:05:27) Alex Seda: lol, Trannies LOVE Bionic Woman apparently
(19:05:44) Ronnie: yeah, especially ones that still look like a man
(19:05:53) Ronnie: … and get quarters thrown at them.
(19:06:54) Alex Seda: Chapter 2: WEENIELAND
(19:07:05) Ronnie: uh oh… I have a bad feeling about this…
(19:08:01) Alex Seda: Quentin Tarantino style scene
(19:08:32) Ronnie: yeah, too much talking
(19:09:08) Ronnie: ’alternative lifestyle representative’…
(19:10:37) Alex Seda: This is one hell of a soliliquy (sp?)
(19:12:13) Alex Seda: ahhhhhhhhhhh
(19:13:39) Ronnie: face is same as mask… nice
(19:15:06) Ronnie: a tranny that’s had an abortion?
(19:15:25) Alex Seda: I somehow believe thats not possible
(19:15:27) Alex Seda: but then again
(19:15:49) Ronnie: never know with medical science now-a-days
(19:16:03) Alex Seda: too true
(19:16:24) Ronnie: line of the movie so far:
(19:16:38) Ronnie: ’watch your step, your dick will fall out’
(19:16:52) Alex Seda: easily the line of the film thus far
(19:17:03) Alex Seda: I’m pretty sure this is the murdery part
(19:17:40) Ronnie: at least a good beating…
(19:18:58) Alex Seda: This doesn’t at all look like the shadiest place ever
(19:19:23) Ronnie: no no, not at all
(19:19:32) Ronnie: even with Mr. Nacho
(19:19:49) Alex Seda: OH NO
(19:20:02) Alex Seda: abuse man is here with a baseball bat!
(19:20:04) Ronnie: oh dear
(19:22:11) Alex Seda: oh noes, the rapey murderer
(19:22:25) Alex Seda: that’s the double trouble
(19:22:28) Ronnie: greasy rapey murderer
(19:22:45) Alex Seda: with a southern accent
(19:22:51) Alex Seda: so you KNOW he is evil

Sleazy, greasy, rapist man

(19:22:53) Ronnie: ’Greasy Tranny Rapist With a Baseball Bat’ – it’s the next big movie!
(19:23:30) Ronnie: did I just see a man taken down with a bitch slap?
(19:23:35) Alex Seda: You sure as fuck did
(19:23:47) Ronnie: oh the shame
(19:23:47) Alex Seda: manliest bitchslap ever
(19:24:46) Alex Seda: Pinky La’Trimm is hilarious
(19:24:55) Alex Seda: also, I bet that bitch doesn’t play
(19:24:56) Ronnie: yeah
(19:25:35) Ronnie: like the blood and hair on the baseball bat
(19:25:55) Alex Seda: yeah that was a nice touch
(19:26:07) Ronnie: again
(19:26:26) Alex Seda: Now the Greasy raper-muderer man is stealing peoples wigs and shit too
(19:26:28) Alex Seda: that’s ice cold
(19:26:47) Ronnie: has he no decency?!
(19:27:02) Alex Seda: none
(19:27:33) Ronnie: the heels are coming off… this is SERIOUS
(19:27:49) Alex Seda: I was wonderinh ow long it would take
(19:27:58) Alex Seda: because once a broad takes off them heels
(19:28:08) Alex Seda: whoa boy, it is on like Donkey Kong
(19:28:20) Ronnie: it’s like a man taking his jacket off
(19:28:36) Alex Seda: Apparently this is now Tranny Diehard with this lady creeping around in industrial setting with blue lighting
(19:29:01) Ronnie: the blue lighting is the ‘cold environment’ scene tip-off
(19:29:14) Alex Seda: movie-making 101
(19:29:23) Alex Seda: NINJA TRANNY KICK
(19:30:10) Ronnie: uh oh, Pinky’s onto them!
(19:30:25) Alex Seda: Pinky kicked the ever loving shit outta that door
(19:30:29) Ronnie: if she gets on-top of them then there’ll be trouble
(19:31:14) Alex Seda: PENIS STAB!
(19:31:24) Ronnie: yeah, knife to the balls!
(19:31:58) Ronnie: aw it was only a knife to the leg
(19:32:18) Alex Seda: damn
(19:32:20) Ronnie: ewww, heel to the eye!
(19:32:26) Alex Seda: whole lot of dead people
(19:32:35) Alex Seda: I knew the heel to the eye was coming
(19:32:36) Ronnie: Jesus, greasy rapist is still going!
(19:32:57) Alex Seda: You should know after all the rapey revenge flciks we’ve seen, Rapists are superhuman
(19:33:07) Alex Seda: YES missing reels
(19:33:12) Ronnie: oh no, a missing reel!

Ah fuck! I want my money back!

(19:33:16) Alex Seda: we just missed a whole fucking chapter
(19:33:22) Ronnie: ’I'm at the rear entrance’
(19:33:42) Alex Seda: I’m gonna leave that alone
(19:34:49) Ronnie: ’as supportive as your jock strap’
(19:34:55) Ronnie: some really good lines in this film
(19:36:12) Alex Seda: yeah, these lady persons are sassy as all get out
(19:36:21) Ronnie: bizaaaaarre nurse!

Creepy nurse is... creepy!

(19:37:11) Alex Seda: she is creepy i don’t trust her
(19:37:26) Ronnie: the doctor is even MORE creepy!
(19:38:18) Alex Seda: this whole scene is very, very weird
(19:38:28) Ronnie: absolutely!
(19:40:40) Ronnie: raped shemale with speech impediment… amazing
(19:41:33) Alex Seda: someone must’ve thought this was absolutely hilarious
(19:41:46) Alex Seda: it is kind of comedy gold, I just wonder if they are playing this for laughs or…
(19:41:46) Ronnie: I do!
(19:43:09) Alex Seda: When did this turn into aSamurai flick?
(19:43:27) Ronnie: God only knows
(19:43:53) Ronnie: I don’t think the Amish normally have shemales, do they??
(19:44:13) Alex Seda: They do live quite secretive lives…
(19:44:28) Ronnie: that’s suspicious then
(19:45:01) Ronnie: double male logo on his robe…
(19:45:23) Alex Seda: and he was singing lyrics to a black eye peas some or something
(19:45:40) Ronnie: yeah, almost as disturbing as him
(19:45:58) Alex Seda: We officially walked into another movie
(19:46:38) Alex Seda: ”Gay Cruises to Greece.” So they have gay cruise lines. Good to know.
(19:47:08) Ronnie: I’ll bet they have
(19:48:30) Alex Seda: phew, glad that’s over
(19:48:45) Ronnie: yeah, that was weeeeeeird and pretty unnecessary
(19:48:56) Ronnie: return of the rapist
(19:49:01) Ronnie: oh, maybe not
(19:49:02) Alex Seda: That was indian severed flying head weird
(19:49:21) Ronnie: with the same amount of special effects…
(19:50:05) Alex Seda: Nice bathrobe?
(19:50:25) Ronnie: nice house…
(19:50:38) Alex Seda: I know right, that thing is pretty large.
(19:50:56) Alex Seda: Is rapey dude already in the house?
(19:51:00) Alex Seda: Probably
(19:51:13) Ronnie: maybe-eeee
(19:51:42) Alex Seda: that was kinda a cool shot, doing it with the mirrors
(19:51:49) Ronnie: yeah
(19:52:13) Ronnie: that was a good scene… was sure something was gonna happen
(19:52:30) Alex Seda: Gee, why don’t you take a look at the HUGE KNIFE she just that lemon with.
(19:52:45) Alex Seda: oh well played movie
(19:52:51) Alex Seda: knife was there, now isn’t there
(19:52:56) Ronnie: and you thought YOU were being smart
(19:53:06) Alex Seda: I know, for once a movie was a step ahead of me
(19:53:16) Ronnie: a tranny movie no less
(19:53:38) Alex Seda: This scene so far is pretty masterfully done
(19:53:55) Alex Seda: OH NO RAPEY GUY

as rapey guy says: STOP! Hammer time...

(19:53:57) Ronnie: yes indeed
(19:54:37) Alex Seda: Rapey guy is actually really good at being this creepy
(19:55:50) Ronnie: yeah he IS good at being creepy
(19:57:05) Alex Seda: whoa all of the sudden tranny is a professional ninja
(19:57:13) Ronnie: Kung-Fu tranny!
(19:57:22) Alex Seda: someone should make that movie
(19:57:30) Alex Seda: actually, Japan prbably already beat us to it
(19:57:56) Ronnie: yeah, I’m sure they’re onto the third sequel by now
(20:00:08) Alex Seda: Rapey guy is really amazing, helluva actor.
(20:00:23) Alex Seda: He is holding this movie together at this point.
(20:00:41) Ronnie: yeah, it’s slowing down now…
(20:01:13) Alex Seda: going into traditional grindhousey territory now
(20:01:45) Ronnie: no need for all this blabbering
(20:02:13) Alex Seda: Padding for time, but then again, rapey guy is making it interesting
(20:04:36) Alex Seda: oh wow
(20:04:49) Alex Seda: what the fuck just happened
(20:04:56) Ronnie: it’s tranny-Commando time!
(20:05:06) Alex Seda: Ronnie, the things you talk me into watching
(20:05:13) Alex Seda: HEY WAIT TIME TRAVEL NOW?
(20:05:30) Alex Seda: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, didn’t see that coming
(20:05:59) Alex Seda: this film is 7 shades of crazy
(20:06:08) Ronnie: yeah
(20:07:42) Alex Seda: ”i apologize for fucking up my own psycho revenge scheme”
(20:12:21) Alex Seda: ”Fuck this, it’s too complicated, you shouldn’t flash cards for murder.”
(20:14:18) Alex Seda: Oh shit Pinky had a sword all of a sudden?
(20:14:41) Ronnie: she’s whoopin’ ass
(20:14:44) Ronnie: quite literally
(20:15:25) Alex Seda: Here is our knife fight, I suppose
(20:16:11) Ronnie: with gusto!
(20:16:31) Alex Seda: mucho gusto
(20:16:49) Ronnie: ’tranimals’
(20:17:07) Alex Seda: yup, she said that
(20:17:49) Alex Seda: not the CRT tv
(20:17:51) Alex Seda: c’mon

Oopsies!

(20:18:38) Alex Seda: this movie like to shows kicks like 400 times
(20:20:09) Ronnie: nice knife in the head bit
(20:20:37) Alex Seda: through the skull too, gotta be strong to do that
(20:22:47) Alex Seda: I think they got him
(20:22:48) Ronnie: well, that should kill him…
(20:23:00) Alex Seda: hopefully
(20:23:48) Alex Seda: well, i gotta poop, brb
(20:24:01) Ronnie: uh ok
(20:28:18) Alex Seda: ok back
(20:28:27) Alex Seda: 1.5 stars
(20:28:38) Ronnie: 1.5?! Really that bad?
(20:28:49) Ronnie: Imma give it 3.5 for its madness
(20:29:18) Alex Seda: eh, i enjoyed it, but it wasn’t grea
(20:29:54) Ronnie: one of my better choices in recent times, I must say…
(20:30:50) Alex Seda: it was def entertaining

Ronnie’s Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Alex’s Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

Trailer:
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrWT1a1_ta4

They weren't fucking around with the title.

Rutger Hauer is no stranger to us here at Midnight Showing, and he shouldn’t be a stranger to you either.  Most famous for his role opposite Harrison Ford in the Ridley Scott directed sci-fi/dystopian classic Blade Runner, Hauer has carved out an…interesting resume of films including one where he played a blind swordsman.  Now he can add homeless folk hero to that list.  Jason Eisner, director of the Killer Christmas Tree Rampage short TREEVENGE (which is available to watch for free just about everywhere on the damn internet) has adapted another one of his shorts into a feature length Grindhouse opus which delivers in every way it’s audacious title promises and then some.

The story is a simple one but works well thanks to its lack of unnecessary complications.  A mysterious homeless man rides into a town run by a super evil scumbag criminal and his gang, and our heroic hobo decides that he has seen enough of the filth and urban decay and take matters into his our hands, 12 gauge style.  From that point on, which is relatively early in the film, we are treating to a back and forth battle between the hobo and the garbage of the city in quite the gore laden fashion.  Outside of the nearly relentless violence and top-notch, cgi-less blood splattering and viscera, Hauer weighs in with a captivating performance that seems almost out of place in a film like this because it’s so incredibly effective.  Wrap this package up with some heavy-handed but non the less accurate social commentary and observations, and an ending that is the perfect definition of bitter sweet, and you have the makings of and incredible film that has sky-rocketed to the top of my 2011 list.  Break bot your legs to see this flick.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

One half of "The Plague." I'll let your imagination do the work on what these badasses are all about.

I Saw the Devil (2010)

Going in to this I knew it was a Korean film, but I had no idea what the film was about. I’d heard it recommended by SO many people that I HAD to check it out. And I’m glad I did!

In short the film is your basic revenge story: When his pregnant fiancee becomes the latest victim of a serial killer, a secret agent blurs the line between good and evil in his pursuit of revenge. (IMDB.com)

The movie starts with a woman, in her car, on the phone. She explains to her fiancée that she’s got a flat tyre and waiting on the tow truck to arrive. A car pulls up and a gentleman gets out and offers to help fix her car. She politely declines and the guy walks away. The guy returns with gusto, smasher her windscreen in then smashing her brains in.

So begins the revenge. The fiancée works for the intelligence services and, eventually, manages to find the killer.

And that was to the guy who DIDN'T do the murder!

From here on in he tracks the killer and, while he’s in the middle of torturing someone, the fiancée appears and kicks the crap out of the killer. Telling him that it’ll get worse each time. Problem is, the killer is quite enjoying the whole thing and isn’t as daft as he looks. Eventually the killer finds out how he’s being found, and the twists and turns begin.

Although it sounds like your average thriller it’s not. It has quite a few action scenes and certainly some elements of horror. Even a sprinkling of humour in places.

Would you pull a big long spikey thing out your own hand? Ouch!

The effects are pretty good, no head explosions or anything, but plenty of blood and people being stabbed and beaten. The acting is all good. Particularly the guy playing the killer, he totally reminded me of the uber-creepy Anthony Wong, which IS a compliment, honest!

Yeah, I think he might be your man...

The locations are all nice and colourful, always using the appropriate colours to give more mood to a scene.

I don’t want to say too much more about the films story as near the end I’m thinking ‘so how can the fiancée possibly win?’.

Look, just watch it, OK?!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFp6BVHiVPo

Rubber (2010)

Yes, it’s true. I just watched a movie about a telepathic tyre called Robert.

From IMDb: When Robert, an inanimate tire, discovers his destructive telepathic powers, he soon sets his sights on a desert town; in particular, a mysterious woman becomes his obsession.

The movie starts with a car driving down the road weaving all over the place to knock down chairs. I’ve no idea why, but out the boot of the car comes a cop who babbles on about ‘no reason’ then gets back in the boot and the car drives off. After a short time we see our ‘hero’ finding his feet (or treads I suppose) and trundling through the desert. When he comes across a plastic bottle he discovers (after several attempts) that he can run over the bottle and crush it. Robert then crushes/smashes several other objects, but along the way he discovers that he can use the power of his mind to detonate things.

No, seriously, he can. Don’t laugh.

Having exploded a rabbit and several other forms of life he, inevitably, moves on to people. This is spurred on by being involved in a hit and run accident, and seeing his fellow rubbery bretheren being thrown on a fire. He also takes a shine to a girl who’s car he manages to stall.

All this is seen by a group of people with binoculars. A thin greasy looking kid with glasses issues them with binoculars and they effectively annoy each other by commenting on what’s happening and predicting what will happen next. Fear not though as most of them die early on.

After killing several people, by exploding their heads, the cops are on his little rubbery tail. He flees to a motel, while stalking the aforementioned chick. He chills out, has a shower and a good long nights sleep. In between perving on the chick and killing the motel maid.

I shant explain any further as the ending is epic and made me laugh, heartily.

The whole film is quite surreal and experimental. I particularly liked the camera work where they used some unusual lenses/settings to make objects look tiny. Sometimes it looked like the scene was entirely made up of models/toys. The gore is minimum with heads exploding but it’s not the over the top blood and bits spray for half a mile type explosion. It’s also quite short, just over the one hour mark which was fine. Not too long, not too short.

If definitely think you should see this just to be able to tell your friends that you watched a movie about a telepathic tyre called Robert.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6G5pyFhmAqE

Encarnação do Demônio (aka: Embodiment of Evil)

Things what I learned from this movie:

• if you are a mad maniac in Brazil, they set you free after 40 years
• if you are a mad maniac with a crazy agenda, people will follow you
• if you are a mad maniac with followers, some of them will be hot chicks
• if you are a mad maniac with hot chicks you will want one of them to bear the fruit of your loins
• if you are a mad maniac with loony chick followers they will throw their naked selves at you

So, the story is as thus:

After forty years in prison, the evil gravedigger Josefel Zanatas a.k.a. Zé do Caixão is released by the lawyer Lucy Pontes in accordance with Brazilian Laws. He moves to the slums with his followers that worship him, and he seeks out the perfect woman to bear his children while haunted by the ghosts of his victims. The vigilante brothers Captain Osvaldo Pontes and his brother Coronel Claudiomiro from the Military Police chase Zé do Caixão in the slums to kill him and they find a track of tortured and mutilated bodies.
(from IMDb.com)

Initially the film started of pretty slow, it’s just Josefel (aka: Joe, aka: Coffin Joe) being released from prison/asylum and meeting up with Bruno his crippled man servant. Bruno takes Joe (who hasn’t seen the outside world for 40 years) to an abandoned old basement to meet his four new followers; two dudes and two hot chicks.

I should add that Joe looks kinda like Saddam Hussein, wearing a top hat, black cloak and with big fuck off finger nails.

Apparently those fingernails aren't stuck on, he did grow them that size!

Anyway, he’s now free and (just like old times) is looking for the perfect woman to have his successor. Only problem is that ol’ Joe is being haunted by his past, several victims from previous kills are appearing to him in visions. This is juxtaposed with the brutality of the Brazilian police who are shooting kids for sport. One thing leads to another and ol’ Joe ends up meeting two blind hags who just happen to have a hot as fuck daughter, which greatly interests him. He also has Bruno kidnap a hot scientist chick. God only knows how he manages it as Bruno can barely walk never mind kidnap. Anyway, Joe drugs her up and feeds her a slice from her own right buttock:

... and here's some doped up chick munching on a slice of her own right ass cheek. Mmm, lovely!

It’s from here the film gets to the good stuff. We also learn a bit more about Joe in that he had a wife/girlfriend who was pregnant with his son but it was not to be. We also see his potential future woman in a purification rite (or sorts) with her bare boobs, which was enjoyable. While Bruno is perving on this scene the cops bust him and kick the crap out of him. Unfortunately for the cops, Joe’s four followers attack and kidnap the four cops!

At the sight of four tortured cops I think Coffin Joe is about to become Cummin' Joe.

The cops are crucified, hung on hooks etc. All the usual nice ways to go. Meanwhile, another hot chick throws herself at ol’ Joe:

And he refuses her!! WTF?!

Coffin Joe dispatches the of the old blind chicks, tells the hot chick that he’s killed their aunts and asks what now. She replies:

On her forehead is a drop of blood from her one of her dead aunts. Does that stop her from fornicating with ol' Joe? NEVAR!

And so the madness continues. Various people are captured and tortured, one woman is smeared in melted cheese and has a rat wedged in her vag. No, seriously! Eventually the cops storm his hideout and all hell breaks loose. They find bodies everywhere, mostly male, as it seems that if you want female followers you just need to treat them like shit for a little while and they come round to your way of thinking. A bit like when has cuts open the sewn up  belly of a pig and out pops a woman. And apparently it’s a real pig and a real woman!

It’s a comical film which I think tries to show what it’s like in Brazil, but it’s a bit weird to try and mix the brutality of Brazil with the brutal madness of Coffin Joe!

There’s plenty of gore and blood. Certainly a lot of torture and there’s a TON of boobs!

Bit of a slow start, goes off on a few slow hallucinatory style scenes, but after the first kill it’s all good stuff!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Even in death the chicks with neatly trimmed beavers want Joe!

And yes, she does ride his dead body...