Machete Maidens Unleashed! (2010)

Another exploitation documentary, but this time with a twist. This one explores the movies from, and made in, the Philipine’s. Many with the help of the infamous Ferdinand Marcos (he of the wife with many shoes).

Covering everything from the women in prison/cage genre through to Weng Weng (the midget James Bond), but with Roger Corman being the link between each film.

The documentary is pretty much all interviews, and begins with directors, and producers, explaining how it was far cheaper to film the entire thing in the Philippines’s as they could hire everything there. The Philippines’s had a thriving movie industry and had everything at hand, and when they say everything, they mean everything, including the army! Actors, stunt men, demolition experts, you name it it was all there, and cheap, so it made sense for Corman and his directors to film there.

It began with a couple of cheap horror films then boomed into the women in prison genre.

Mentioned 'women in prison', need to show boobs...

Corman got tired of them and thought, ” hey, let’s put black people up front” and lo, the blaxploitation genre began. Next thing you know you have one armed executioners. No, I’m not kidding, there really is a film about a one armed executioner (from 1981)!

Drawing to a close the documentary spends several minutes talking about Apocalypse Now which was shot entirely in the Philippine’s (under Marcos), using the Philippino army and ended up looking nothing like Vietnam!

It’s a great documentary with many funny stories from the actors and actresses who sometimes had a terrible time in the Philippines, but still smile when telling the stories.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

American Grindhouse (2010)

American Grindhouse lays out our favourite deviancy chronologically. Right from the creation of the moving picture through to some recent picks such as Planet Terror and the like.

Our journey starts with the creation of the moving picture and how it spawned exploitation in the sense of your great-grandma whipping off her drawers to ‘titilate’ viewers. Shame on you grandma!

Exploitation, as we know it, began with the movie ‘Traffic of Souls’ which tells the story of white people being bought and sold as slaves. It was a rumour of the time that spawned a movie, but it was the first movie to exploit a genre/story and lo exploitation films were born. Yay!

The documentary briefly discusses the introduction of codes of conduct, the big classics (Dracula, Frankenstein etc.), then discusses the Tod Browning classic ‘Freaks’ which ruined the poor guy. If you haven’t seen it yet, you need to.

Moving into the 30′s it talks about the early crime dramas where criminals would discuss their crime, but with the movie always ending with a message of ‘crime doesn’t pay’. The 40′s, for some reason, brought the ‘educational’ film which either explained VD or showed child birth. Very odd!

Todays question is: guess the STD!

But the 40′s also brought us Hollywood ‘film noir’, so that’s OK then. The 50′s brought us dirty magazines, biker gangs and burlesque, and the 60′s gave us the nudist flick! It’s getting better and better all the time! Oh no, wait, the 60′s also gave us beach films. That’s beach, read it again, and the ‘roughies’ where women get their ass kicked for no real reason.

Fear not, the 60′s redeem themselves when one director decides to show the previously unseen and actually shows blood! Gasp! That’s right, along came a Mr H. G. Lewis and Blood Feast. From there on in… well, I’m sure you know the rest. Or you should know the rest!

Mr Blood Feast himself, H.G. Lewis

Oh, and some other film called ‘Psycho’ (or something) also came out around the same time. I don’t think the director of this Psycho ever got anywhere…

The 70′s gave us that crackpot Charles Manson, but it also gave us things like Last House on the Left. I’m not entirely sure if that’s a good thing or not. I’ll let you decide. It also gave us the genre we know as Blaxploitation. Love it or loathe it, it’s fuckin’ awesome. Possibly on the downside we also got the women-in-prison genre. Only good for boobs. Although this film historian, Kim Morgan, says that most women like to see other women naked and it turns them on. I love Kim Morgan!

Kim Morgan for President! And here was me thinking that all film historians were old bearded men.

Although The Big Bird Cage turned it all on its head by having gay prison guards looking after the women which is kinda funny.

By now were in the mid-70′s and that means Ilsa – Shewolf of the SS and a flood of Nazisploitation films. You name it, the Nazi’s were doing it. Closing the 70′s is when it became OK to show full sex and porn arrived, also bringing with it, into the 80′s, the animals-gone-mad films. Dozens of them. Hundreds probably!

Anyway, it’s a good documentary on our favourite genre of movies. A bit slow at the start as, I think, it spends a bit too much time setting the scene. It could have started with Freaks onwards, or even just started from Blood Feast onwards. Either way, it’s a good 90min history lesson on exploitation. Grab it if you can!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

I Saw the Devil (2010)

Going in to this I knew it was a Korean film, but I had no idea what the film was about. I’d heard it recommended by SO many people that I HAD to check it out. And I’m glad I did!

In short the film is your basic revenge story: When his pregnant fiancee becomes the latest victim of a serial killer, a secret agent blurs the line between good and evil in his pursuit of revenge. (IMDB.com)

The movie starts with a woman, in her car, on the phone. She explains to her fiancée that she’s got a flat tyre and waiting on the tow truck to arrive. A car pulls up and a gentleman gets out and offers to help fix her car. She politely declines and the guy walks away. The guy returns with gusto, smasher her windscreen in then smashing her brains in.

So begins the revenge. The fiancée works for the intelligence services and, eventually, manages to find the killer.

And that was to the guy who DIDN'T do the murder!

From here on in he tracks the killer and, while he’s in the middle of torturing someone, the fiancée appears and kicks the crap out of the killer. Telling him that it’ll get worse each time. Problem is, the killer is quite enjoying the whole thing and isn’t as daft as he looks. Eventually the killer finds out how he’s being found, and the twists and turns begin.

Although it sounds like your average thriller it’s not. It has quite a few action scenes and certainly some elements of horror. Even a sprinkling of humour in places.

Would you pull a big long spikey thing out your own hand? Ouch!

The effects are pretty good, no head explosions or anything, but plenty of blood and people being stabbed and beaten. The acting is all good. Particularly the guy playing the killer, he totally reminded me of the uber-creepy Anthony Wong, which IS a compliment, honest!

Yeah, I think he might be your man...

The locations are all nice and colourful, always using the appropriate colours to give more mood to a scene.

I don’t want to say too much more about the films story as near the end I’m thinking ‘so how can the fiancée possibly win?’.

Look, just watch it, OK?!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFp6BVHiVPo

Encarnação do Demônio (aka: Embodiment of Evil)

Things what I learned from this movie:

• if you are a mad maniac in Brazil, they set you free after 40 years
• if you are a mad maniac with a crazy agenda, people will follow you
• if you are a mad maniac with followers, some of them will be hot chicks
• if you are a mad maniac with hot chicks you will want one of them to bear the fruit of your loins
• if you are a mad maniac with loony chick followers they will throw their naked selves at you

So, the story is as thus:

After forty years in prison, the evil gravedigger Josefel Zanatas a.k.a. Zé do Caixão is released by the lawyer Lucy Pontes in accordance with Brazilian Laws. He moves to the slums with his followers that worship him, and he seeks out the perfect woman to bear his children while haunted by the ghosts of his victims. The vigilante brothers Captain Osvaldo Pontes and his brother Coronel Claudiomiro from the Military Police chase Zé do Caixão in the slums to kill him and they find a track of tortured and mutilated bodies.
(from IMDb.com)

Initially the film started of pretty slow, it’s just Josefel (aka: Joe, aka: Coffin Joe) being released from prison/asylum and meeting up with Bruno his crippled man servant. Bruno takes Joe (who hasn’t seen the outside world for 40 years) to an abandoned old basement to meet his four new followers; two dudes and two hot chicks.

I should add that Joe looks kinda like Saddam Hussein, wearing a top hat, black cloak and with big fuck off finger nails.

Apparently those fingernails aren't stuck on, he did grow them that size!

Anyway, he’s now free and (just like old times) is looking for the perfect woman to have his successor. Only problem is that ol’ Joe is being haunted by his past, several victims from previous kills are appearing to him in visions. This is juxtaposed with the brutality of the Brazilian police who are shooting kids for sport. One thing leads to another and ol’ Joe ends up meeting two blind hags who just happen to have a hot as fuck daughter, which greatly interests him. He also has Bruno kidnap a hot scientist chick. God only knows how he manages it as Bruno can barely walk never mind kidnap. Anyway, Joe drugs her up and feeds her a slice from her own right buttock:

... and here's some doped up chick munching on a slice of her own right ass cheek. Mmm, lovely!

It’s from here the film gets to the good stuff. We also learn a bit more about Joe in that he had a wife/girlfriend who was pregnant with his son but it was not to be. We also see his potential future woman in a purification rite (or sorts) with her bare boobs, which was enjoyable. While Bruno is perving on this scene the cops bust him and kick the crap out of him. Unfortunately for the cops, Joe’s four followers attack and kidnap the four cops!

At the sight of four tortured cops I think Coffin Joe is about to become Cummin' Joe.

The cops are crucified, hung on hooks etc. All the usual nice ways to go. Meanwhile, another hot chick throws herself at ol’ Joe:

And he refuses her!! WTF?!

Coffin Joe dispatches the of the old blind chicks, tells the hot chick that he’s killed their aunts and asks what now. She replies:

On her forehead is a drop of blood from her one of her dead aunts. Does that stop her from fornicating with ol' Joe? NEVAR!

And so the madness continues. Various people are captured and tortured, one woman is smeared in melted cheese and has a rat wedged in her vag. No, seriously! Eventually the cops storm his hideout and all hell breaks loose. They find bodies everywhere, mostly male, as it seems that if you want female followers you just need to treat them like shit for a little while and they come round to your way of thinking. A bit like when has cuts open the sewn up  belly of a pig and out pops a woman. And apparently it’s a real pig and a real woman!

It’s a comical film which I think tries to show what it’s like in Brazil, but it’s a bit weird to try and mix the brutality of Brazil with the brutal madness of Coffin Joe!

There’s plenty of gore and blood. Certainly a lot of torture and there’s a TON of boobs!

Bit of a slow start, goes off on a few slow hallucinatory style scenes, but after the first kill it’s all good stuff!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Even in death the chicks with neatly trimmed beavers want Joe!

And yes, she does ride his dead body...

Bijitâ Q (Visitor Q) 2001

Takashi Miike. The mere mention of his name will either make you wrinkle your nose in disgust (in which case, what the hell are you doing on this page) or have you drop to your knees and bow in admiration. Suffice to say, I’m writing this review while on my knees.

Bijitâ Q (or, hereafter known as, Visitor Q) is known as a Miike masterpiece due to it’s strangeness. It starts off normal enough. A business man is visiting a (rather cute) hooker and filming it with a camcorder. Eventually they end up going at it and we think nothing of it.

Suddenly the businessman has a run in with a brick, it hits the back of his head thanks to a stranger we only know (via the films title) as Q. Q basically takes up residence with the dysfunctional family of the gimp legged wife who’s injecting heroin, the bullying son who whips the crap out of his mom on a daily basis and who, in turn, gets his ass kicked at school on a daily basis. Then there’s the father, a failed journalist who’s trying to protect his son (but, ironically, not his wife) from getting bullied.

Well, it all starts going pear-shaped at the half-way mark when Q has a bit of fun with the wife by squeezing milk from her breasts. Which she seems to quite enjoy.

Meanwhile, her husband is trying to get a TV reporter to cover the story of his son getting bullied. She’s having none of it, so he rips all her clothes off and eventually kills her. But all is not lost, heavens no, as he takes her home (in the boot of his car) and proceeds to have sex with her in his greenhouse:

The subtitles alone are funny enough for this...

His timing is unfortunate, not only does he cum too quick, but rigor mortis sets in and his stiff is stuck inside a stiff. Apparently plenty of vinegar and a quick shot of heroin does the job. Well, that’s what his wife tells him. And, so we have the scene of a man in a bath of vinegar, high as a kite, with his penis stuck inside a corpse. It could only happy in a Miike film…

Then the man and wife catch the kids bullying their son and all hell breaks loose. The father attacks one of them with a large serrated knife (to the forehead) while the mother tosses a screwdriver at the other kid.

Well, there can't be many kids who can say they've seen their father in nothing but a towel sawing at a classmates head...

As the film draws to an end we see the man and wife having to dispose of the bodies, seemingly quite happy with themselves and the kid realising that Q is really just there to tear the family apart. We also see the return of the prodigal daughter who’s been hinted at during the film but we’d never met. Turns out we did meet her.

She was the hooker at the start. Yep, big ol’ bit of incest.

This is one weeeeeeeird film! The characters are bizarre, but you end up feeling sorry for them all at one point. Initially you hate the kid for whooping the mom, but then you see him getting whooped and it kinda justifies him bullying. Same with the mom, you think she’s soft and useless, until you see several scenes of her shooting up. And so on…

Maybe not the best of films to watch if you haven’t experienced Miike before. It’s a bit slow at the start, but definitely one you SHOULD see if you like weirdness.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Naked Nuns With Big Guns (2010)

Christmas. The one day of the year when everyone watches Christian films, and boy do we have a peach here! Naked Nuns With Big Guns is just what you need to celebrate the birth of the Jesus. Nun-boobs and big guns. Jesus would have wanted his birthday celebrated like this. I’d want my birthday celebrated like that!

The whole movie is a modern take on the old nunsploitation movies of yesteryear. It begins with us finding out that the priests are using the nuns to bag their drugs for them. There’s also a rag tag gang of thugs who are, well, thugs. Things get a little hairy when a drug deal goes wrong and a nun ends up being kept high as a kite in a brothel. Eventually she escapes, has a near death experience, and ends up a gun-totting vigilante.

I should also point out that I don’t think one woman in this film kept her top on. Oh, wait, the big fat Mother Superior one did, but that was a good thing. There’s titties and lesbo action everywhere. Usually when I do a review I’ll post screens of the boob-shots, but I can’t with this movie as the page would take forever to load due to it having a bajillion screens, but I’ll do my utmost to do a brief ‘best of’.

Our vigilante heroine is, even in lesbo scenes, on top...

The movie has a TON of action, also some rather awkward rape scenes, which make for nasty viewing. In one scene a mother is raped in front of her daughter and in the other an elder nun is raped by a big black dude. Most other (non-boob) scenes are people being shot between the eyes.

Even the motel owner is a lesbo!

There’s no major gore to speak of, but there’s plenty of blood squibs and even a penis being shot off!

The story is nothing ground breaking, but it has all the goodness that you’d expect in a nunsploitation movie, such as; boobs, guns, lesbo-action, boobs, more guns, more boobs, shootings, rosary beads, lesbo-action… all the stuff that Jesus told us not to do. Oh, and there’s an awesome nun-gets-tooled-up scene where she has guns and bullets everywhere. Friggin awesome.

She is indeed one bad mother!

This is definitely my favourite nunspoitation film. EVAR!

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKYVtU7G0IA

The Whore Church - Yule Log

It’s Christmas time! That means it’s time for giving, receiving and semi-pornographic mixtapes! And The Whore Church have given us ‘Yule Log’ in time for Christmas 2010.

The mixtape contains only 100% wholesome Christmas goodness, starting with a psychedelic intro containing satanic goats dressed as Santa:

Satanic goats FTW!

After the intro we’re treated to some evil Santa, boobies and some dude painted red to look like Satan. Needless to say, it’s a good start. Then it’s some kid who ‘wants to know what it’s like when Santa comes.’ Oo-er! *snigger*

With the next bunch of clips we get some soothing cookie-monster style death metal, which is nice. They’ve even been considerate enough to throw in some clips from The Smurfs, He-Man and Beavis & Butthead… ah, them were the days. When cartoons were proper cartoons!

Nearing the half-way mark we get CCTV footage of desperate shoppers invading shops fighting to get bargains. Always nice to see how the poor people live. Then, some pr0n:

... and they're the reason WHY Santa cums...

After a particularly vicious attack from a snowman we Barney the dinosaur and several men, dressed as Santa, getting blowjobs.

The Whore Church – Yule Log is an excellent, if short (11mins), mixtape for the festive season, something to stick in the DVD player for when the folks come round.

I leave you with a gratuitous screenshot of He-Man:

Good to see that She-Ra is still as hot as ever...

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Skeleton Farm's Halloween Horrorshow

As we head in to September it’s not long until that holiday of holiday’s makes an appearance, Halloween. Skeleton Farm have already turned out a new Halloween DVD, like the shopping channels who start showing Christmas decorations in July, but not as bad.

The DVD (yes, it’s a DVD, not just a bog standard AVI mixtape) has a nice menu with several options (trailer etc.) but the mixtape its self starts with a mad doctor (it says so on his lab coat) who tries to sound scary, but just sounds creepy, in a pedo way. Speaking of mad and creepy, we get to some Alice Cooper audio with some cool zombie artwork and animation. Not only that, but within two minutes we get some jiggly boobies! Yay!

White Zombie (Boogie Man) provides the audio for the next part of the tape which is more jiggly boobs, oh and some gore clips mixed in with the video for aforementioned audio track.

I particularly liked the clip from Tales from the Crypt with the Crypt Keeper dressed as Elvis. Couldn’t resist taking a screenshot of that!

Well, there's something you don't see every day...

Next, more groovy Halloween themed audio with a video of dancing skeletons wearing fez hats. Nice! I had no idea there was a rap song about Nightmare on Elm Street which has a video starting three largely overweight men running from Freddy Krueger. Thanks (I think!) to this mixtape I now have that memory engraved in my brain…

The Monster Mash is next with a cool stop-motion video! Yay for stop-motion! The half-way mark gives us a another groovy tune with some classic 50′s animation of skeletons trying to dice up a little dog (or something like that). Next is a horribly cheesy and embarrassing music video from the 80′s, fluffy man hair and gay dance moves aplenty.

Much kudos goes to Skeleton Farm for including some Groovy Ghoulies in here too, it’s not the cartoon’s intro, but it reminded me of my Saturday morning cartoon marathons. Another reminder was just how disco Alice Cooper sounded at times. He’s Back (The Man Behind The Mask)… I remembered it as such a cool song, but the Halloween Horrorshow has reminded me that it is in fact incredibly non-rock/metal sounding. Shame… but it does have some cool shots of Jason.

The last five minutes is a gore-a-thon and ends with a clip of Vincent Price making a simple poem sound creepy as hell, as only he can.

Halloween Horrorshow is top notch stuff. It has good quality videos, groovy Halloween sounds, it’s free and even comes with free DVD covers for you to print out! Yay!

It’s the perfect background audio/video for your Halloween party 2010.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

I’d love to post a link to the torrent, but I couldn’t possibly go… http://tracker.zaerc.com/torrents-details.php?id=15138 OOPS! how did that happen?…

The original Piranha movie was hardly an Oscar contender so I really wasn’t expecting much from this or it’s 3D

*WOOT! WOOT! RANT ALERT, RANT ALERT

Dear Hollywood,

I appreciate that your films are making less and less money, even though you spend more and more on them, and need gimmicks now more than ever but would you just FUCK OFF with the 3D? It’s a pain in the ass and not new, there’s been ’3D’ films since the 50′s now dump the 3D and get some decent script writers maybe then people will watch your films.

Yours (downloading) faithfully,
Ronnie

So, I expect you want a plot synopsis then? OK, if you must:  Every year the population of sleepy Lake Victoria explodes from 5,000 to 50,000 for Spring Break, a riot of sun and drunken fun. But this year, there’s something more to worry about than hangovers and complaints from local old timers; a new type of terror is about to be cut loose on Lake Victoria. After a sudden underwater tremor sets free scores of the prehistoric man-eating fish, an unlikely group of strangers must band together to stop themselves from becoming fish food for the areas new razor-toothed residents. (IMDb.com)

First things first, you can sleep for the first 30mins of the film, nothing to see here. It’s all students-gone-wild and boring character introduction. Only after the 30min mark do you see any piranha. But, while waiting for the piranha you can always admire the boobage. Yes, there’s plenty of racks on display here! 40mins in is the first decent kill with gore. Some chick with big hooters and a parachute is being dragged behind a boat but, unfortunately for her, she ends up in the water and the next time she lifts up in to the sky… well, let’s just say that there’s a fair bit less of her to lift. The highlight of the film is at the 50min mark where the highly annoying students are told to leave the water, and the area, but no… they all continue to party and dive in to the water. And thank God they do. There’s a massacre, and it is good. One chick is hit by a high tension wire which slices through her diagonally, one selfish dude grabs a speedboat to make a get away. Not only is he mowing people down left right and center but his engine gets snagged. Snagged on some chick hair. When the propellers start up it rips her entire face off. Nice! There’s also a nice piranha-eating-its-way-out of a chick. The next scene of note is the bad-ass sheriff who slices and dices a few piranha with a speedboat motor. After the one hour mark though it’s all down hill again. I think there’s one gore scene for the next half hour then the crappy ending.

I expected worse, there is a good 30mins of blood, gore and action, but with 30mins on either side of it, it could have been planned out a bit better. The gore was pretty good and there were plenty of boobs so I’m giving it…

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Srpski film, aka: A Serbian Film (2010)

I’ve reviewed some sick and harsh films over the years (eg: Martyrs, Ebola Syndrome, The Human Centipede etc.) but this one takes the biscuit. In fact, it eats the entire packet and spits the crumbs in my face!

Srpski Film (aka: A Serbian Film) goes places no film should go. Yes, I’ll be hyping this film up and not giving away too many scenes, but where I do explain an OTT scene, I’ll cover it with a spoiler tag. The reason being that you should see this film without knowing the main scenes that make it surely THE most outrageous film ever.

The story: Milos is a former porn star who is down on his luck financially. When he receives a call from his long-time movie actress partner, Layla, he welcomes her call. Apparently she’s heard that a new film director wants to hire Milos to star in his “artistically-designed” porn film for a very generous price. He is easily lured form his semi-retirement by the lucrative offer, agreeing to meet the director in an isolated mansion. As the filming progresses, Milo begins to suspect that the director’s intentions may be darker than mere pornography. As the film begins to devolve into a horrifically violent production, Milos finds escape may not be an option. (IMDb.com)

Sounds like your average torture-porn film, and it does seem like that initially. About one-third of the way in we see some rough (soft-core) porn, all movements and no penises (thankfully!) with some slapping. No big deal for us veterans of extreme horror. The half-way mark is when it all goes haywire. Y’see, poor Milos has no idea what this film he’s starring in is all about, it’s when the director shows him a clip that you realise that this is some sick stuff:

It's not what you're thinking... it's much MUCH worse!

Whatever you’re thinking probably isn’t what happens. If you really want to know, click the SPOILER link below to find out, but I urge you to watch the film and see for yourself.

Show Spoiler ▼

Poor Milos storms out of the showing and heads off in his car. But a hot chick approaches his car and he can’t keep his hands off her. Next thing you know he’s waking up, in bed, covered in cuts, bruises and blood. Oh dear!

She's cuffed to the bed, he has a machete and there's rigor mortis involved. Uh oh!

Now Milos has to piece together what has happened to him. This is shown in a series of flashbacks. As we head towards the end of the film the director has filming Milos in increasingly depraved situations. The main crux of those I shant reveal, you’ll have to watch the movie for them, but needless to say, you’ll either be sitting back, mouth open, saying ‘what the FUCK?!’, or looking away in disgust. One scene in particular which I certainly wasn’t expecting was one involving Milos and one of the directors heavies.

Show Spoiler ▼

And if you think you’re going to get a happy ending, think again. That’s all I’m saying.

Like I said, I thought I’d seen it all, then this ‘thing’ turns up. I’m kinda stuck on rating this one, as if I give it a high rating then I’m saying that I enjoyed what I saw, and I didn’t really! Hours after having watched it, I still couldn’t shake off some of those scenes. But, by giving it a low mark, I’d be dismissing what is, for all intents and purposes a well made and well thought out film. The story is good, it has some good twists, and it’s technically good. So, my score is based on a rating of one being nothing special, to five, with five being outrageous sickness…

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Don’t expect to see this film uncut on any shelves!

Trailer:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0zPbwuKANU