Sint (2010) aka: Saint

Well, it’s that time again. You know, it’s the one where us Christian heathens become believers just to get some shitty presents. Yep, it’s Christmas. And we all need a good festive movie to get us into the spirit of things.

To hell with the inevitable James Bond, and Dorothy can stick her Wizard of Oz. Sint is where it’s at!

Hailing from the Netherlands, and called Saint for us English folks, it’s based around their legend of St. Niklas a rogue bishop who pillages villages in the 1400′s with a list of demands. But, the peasants are revolting and old Nik is about to get some payback. Flambé style! The plebs torch Nik by fire bombing his ship (yes, he has a cool pirate style ship) and on each full moon of December the 5th, Nik returns to seek revenge!

Hey, look, it's Santa Clau... uh-oh...

Sint is part action, part horror and even part comedy, but it’s all done really well. Sure there are some shoddy CGI effects, but, c’mon, this isn’t a 50 bajillion dollar Hollywood number. The kills are good (with Niklas using his staff to decapitate an armed cop) with some nice jump scares too, just for good measure. Lots of nice touches with things like the boy drawing a smiley face in the condensation of his bedroom window which, when the camera is outside looking in, lines up with his smiling face. It’s a simple, silly little thing, but it’s a nice touch which distracts you from the incoming scare.

I'm not sure if this is comedy, or bad subtitles. But I like it!

Anyway… where was I? Oh yes. One kid goes to check on some pigs in a barn to find his family massacred by St. Niklas and his goons (‘Black Pete’s. I’m not sure that’s politically correct these days. Is it? Oh no, wait, I don’t care.) That kid grows up to be a cop who warns of the impending massacre at midnight on this December 05th (with full moon of course).

So, we’re now following some school teens one of whom is going out this December night dressed as St. Nik. Not good. Well, things happen, like friends being bumped off and our poor lame St. Nik gets framed. Many more murders start popping up and, of course, it’s now that the Chief of cops starts to reread the report given by his once loony copper.

See, that's what happens when you shoot St. Niklaus's horse in the neck...

Next thing, we’ve got the kid and the mad copper trying to take down old Nik. I’m not going to give away the ending, so fear not.

I don't think he's gonna give you any nice presents...

Sint is a good Christmas themed movie. Has some nice effects, good kills, and Nik himself looks like a cross between Santa and Freddy. Which is nice. I’m giving it less than 4 out of 5 as it starts off pretty awesome then slows down a bit where they need to introduce us to the fodder teens.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

The Human Centipede II - Full Sequence (2011)

In case you’ve been living on Mars lately The Human Centipede 2 has landed! Can it out do it’s prequel (Human Centipede – First Sequence)? Let’s have a look and see…

The storyline is as thus: Martin is a mentally disturbed loner who lives with his mother in a bleak housing project. He works the night shift as a security guard in an equally grim and foreboding underground parking complex. To escape his dreary existence, Martin loses himself in the fantasy world of the cult horror film The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009), fetishizing the meticulous surgical skills of the gifted Dr. Heiter, whose knowledge of the human gastrointestinal system inspires Martin to attempt the unthinkable.

That’s right folks, Martin is so obsessed by creepy German doctor Heiter that he’s going to attempt to create a 12 person centipede! Go creepy Martin!

Creepy Martin is creepy...

And when I say creepy, I mean CREEPY! Martin, played by new comer Laurence Harvey is very disturbing. He also never says a single word throughout the entire film, and it works.

The film begins with Martin on the job (night shift security guard) watching The Human Centipede on his laptop. After he’s dispatched his first two victims it’s all down hill from there. His mother is constantly moaning at him, his neighbour upstairs is constantly blasting out shitty music (and picking on Martin) all this culminates in Martin snapping and deciding to follow his hero. Nay. Out do his hero!

Having  gathered together his twelve victims he begins to splice them together. Unfortunately due to a few mishaps here and there (happens to the best of surgeons) a couple of folks were, uh, ‘lost’, shall we say. But, due to the magic of gaffa tape and a staple gun, Martin shines through in the end with a ten person centipede. Hoorah!

What would we do without gaffa tape eh?

But, all does not go as planned for ‘Dr.’ Martin (I shant spoil it all) and things break down.

Let me just explain this screenshot. Top right is a naked pregnant chick and bottom left is Martin raping the centipede. Now there's something you don't see every day...

The film, which was apparently shot in colour, is (in the final cut) almost entirely in black and white. I say entirely as there is a spattering of colour. That’s an in joke. Watch it and you’ll see what I mean.

Did Mr. Six out do himself in Centipede 2? I think so. He managed to get the film completely banned here in the UK due to its insanity. With over 2mins of cuts they’ve given him an 18 certificate (highest you can get apart from a porn film) and I can see why. There’s everything from centipede rape to squished foetuses. Seriously!

Is there a plot? Kinda. Do I give a rats ass? No. Although I’d love to see the full colour version which I hope we see as a directors cut.

Roll on Centipede 3!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okZZca4EfAQ

Machete Maidens Unleashed! (2010)

Another exploitation documentary, but this time with a twist. This one explores the movies from, and made in, the Philipine’s. Many with the help of the infamous Ferdinand Marcos (he of the wife with many shoes).

Covering everything from the women in prison/cage genre through to Weng Weng (the midget James Bond), but with Roger Corman being the link between each film.

The documentary is pretty much all interviews, and begins with directors, and producers, explaining how it was far cheaper to film the entire thing in the Philippines’s as they could hire everything there. The Philippines’s had a thriving movie industry and had everything at hand, and when they say everything, they mean everything, including the army! Actors, stunt men, demolition experts, you name it it was all there, and cheap, so it made sense for Corman and his directors to film there.

It began with a couple of cheap horror films then boomed into the women in prison genre.

Mentioned 'women in prison', need to show boobs...

Corman got tired of them and thought, ” hey, let’s put black people up front” and lo, the blaxploitation genre began. Next thing you know you have one armed executioners. No, I’m not kidding, there really is a film about a one armed executioner (from 1981)!

Drawing to a close the documentary spends several minutes talking about Apocalypse Now which was shot entirely in the Philippine’s (under Marcos), using the Philippino army and ended up looking nothing like Vietnam!

It’s a great documentary with many funny stories from the actors and actresses who sometimes had a terrible time in the Philippines, but still smile when telling the stories.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

American Grindhouse (2010)

American Grindhouse lays out our favourite deviancy chronologically. Right from the creation of the moving picture through to some recent picks such as Planet Terror and the like.

Our journey starts with the creation of the moving picture and how it spawned exploitation in the sense of your great-grandma whipping off her drawers to ‘titilate’ viewers. Shame on you grandma!

Exploitation, as we know it, began with the movie ‘Traffic of Souls’ which tells the story of white people being bought and sold as slaves. It was a rumour of the time that spawned a movie, but it was the first movie to exploit a genre/story and lo exploitation films were born. Yay!

The documentary briefly discusses the introduction of codes of conduct, the big classics (Dracula, Frankenstein etc.), then discusses the Tod Browning classic ‘Freaks’ which ruined the poor guy. If you haven’t seen it yet, you need to.

Moving into the 30′s it talks about the early crime dramas where criminals would discuss their crime, but with the movie always ending with a message of ‘crime doesn’t pay’. The 40′s, for some reason, brought the ‘educational’ film which either explained VD or showed child birth. Very odd!

Todays question is: guess the STD!

But the 40′s also brought us Hollywood ‘film noir’, so that’s OK then. The 50′s brought us dirty magazines, biker gangs and burlesque, and the 60′s gave us the nudist flick! It’s getting better and better all the time! Oh no, wait, the 60′s also gave us beach films. That’s beach, read it again, and the ‘roughies’ where women get their ass kicked for no real reason.

Fear not, the 60′s redeem themselves when one director decides to show the previously unseen and actually shows blood! Gasp! That’s right, along came a Mr H. G. Lewis and Blood Feast. From there on in… well, I’m sure you know the rest. Or you should know the rest!

Mr Blood Feast himself, H.G. Lewis

Oh, and some other film called ‘Psycho’ (or something) also came out around the same time. I don’t think the director of this Psycho ever got anywhere…

The 70′s gave us that crackpot Charles Manson, but it also gave us things like Last House on the Left. I’m not entirely sure if that’s a good thing or not. I’ll let you decide. It also gave us the genre we know as Blaxploitation. Love it or loathe it, it’s fuckin’ awesome. Possibly on the downside we also got the women-in-prison genre. Only good for boobs. Although this film historian, Kim Morgan, says that most women like to see other women naked and it turns them on. I love Kim Morgan!

Kim Morgan for President! And here was me thinking that all film historians were old bearded men.

Although The Big Bird Cage turned it all on its head by having gay prison guards looking after the women which is kinda funny.

By now were in the mid-70′s and that means Ilsa – Shewolf of the SS and a flood of Nazisploitation films. You name it, the Nazi’s were doing it. Closing the 70′s is when it became OK to show full sex and porn arrived, also bringing with it, into the 80′s, the animals-gone-mad films. Dozens of them. Hundreds probably!

Anyway, it’s a good documentary on our favourite genre of movies. A bit slow at the start as, I think, it spends a bit too much time setting the scene. It could have started with Freaks onwards, or even just started from Blood Feast onwards. Either way, it’s a good 90min history lesson on exploitation. Grab it if you can!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Mutant Girls Squad (2010)

I loves me some mad Japanese goodness and Mutant Girls Squad looked right up my alley. In a manner of speaking.

From Wikipedia: Rin (Yumi Sugimoto), a young high school student, is an unassuming and awkward girl who is bullied at school. One day, while being bullied, she feels a sharp pain in her hand. Later, Rin learns that she is a descendant of the ancient Hiruko clan, whose members are mutants gifted with superpowers. No sooner than she learns of this, that her home is raided by anti-Hiruko soldiers. Rin’s parents are killed and Rin barely escapes with her life. After killing an entire shopping district out of misunderstanding and grief-fueled rage, Rin meets Rei (Yuko Takayama), another mutant. Rei introduces Rin to a small rag-tag group of mutant rebels led by a transvestite samurai named Kisaragi (Tak Sakaguchi), who is bent on restoring the Hiruko clan’s place in the world.

The movie starts with Rin going to school and getting her ass kicked. Returning home, her 16th birthday party is a bit of a wash out due to some ‘cops’ turning up and slaughtering her parents. She ends up going completely bananas, which seems to awaken some mutant power that she didn’t know she had, and massacres an entire street full of people.

Now, when I say ‘cops’… they’re not your run of the mill ‘boys in blue’. Oh no. Not here, this is Japan. These folks have nose pistols. That’s right, they fire bullets from their schnoz:

That, somewhat phallic, nose is actually a gun!

Soon as I saw that I knew I was watching some Japanese oddness. Hoorah!

Rin then ends up in the company of some other oddbods. They are also mutants with their own special ‘powers’. Powers such as a butt-saw, samurai sword breasts and small arms and hands extending from one girls head. No, seriously, I’m not making it up. Look:

No anal then I take it?...

I've heard of nipples like coat hooks, but they're something else!

I hope that's not Belial!

Their tranny master is hell bent on a mutant uprising and will stop at nothing to make it happen. An assassination attempt on a military man turns into a massacre with, among other things, one mutant skewering a man on her tentacle arm by shoving it up his ass and out his mouth. Oh, and not forgetting the female ‘cop’ being skewered on a sword:

Samurai Holocaust

So, if you can follow that so far you’re doing better than me.

Rin and her mutant chums then stage a revolt against their transgendered leader effectively forming the Mutant Girls Squad.

In case you were in any doubt, this film is fucking nuts. I rank it up there with my other fucking nuts film, Tokyo Gore Police. Like TGP, MGS is chock full of gore. Not your serious, trying-to-be-realistic gore, but the usual Japanese OTT gore with blood spraying everywhere.

The effects range from latex to CGI. Some of the blood effects are blatantly CGI (since blood is spraying everywhere yet hardly anyone has blood on them) as are some of the less practical effects, such as a man with the top of his head cut off and his brain unravelling, and peoples heads being sliced horizontally in three. The practical effects range from tentacle arms, rubber moulds for chest plates, and faces being sliced open:

Yeah, you might need a little elastoplast for that one dear...

At the end of the movie I sat there, stunned, thinking “that was fuckin’ awesome!“. Trust me, that’s a good sign. Suspend all disbelief and seriousness, watch MGS, and find out whey Japanese films are SO much better than Hollywood could ever dream of doing.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-e2wy4r1510

Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives (2010)

From IMDb: A group of trannies are violently bashed and left for dead. The surviving ladies regain consciousness, confidence, and courage ready to seek out revenge on the ones who attacked them.

(18:57:10) Alex Seda: Helen Keller Joke right off the bat?
(18:57:13) Ronnie: I’m liking the crackly old style intro credits
(18:57:34) Alex Seda: They are packing on the Grindhouse feel pretty thick
(18:58:35) Alex Seda: This is a pretty slick uninterrupted shot for the credits
(18:59:09) Ronnie: yeah, shame everyone is either called ‘girl’ or ‘honey’
(18:59:41) Ronnie: Written & Directed by Israel?
(18:59:52) Alex Seda: The whole country!
(18:59:55) Ronnie: Jesus Christ they’re horrible trannies!

That's nothing, you should see the fourth one...

(19:00:12) Ronnie: ’Ladies’?! Where??
(19:00:33) Ronnie: ’Bubbles’??!!
(19:00:40) Alex Seda: Well, the title did say that there would be trannies and whatnot
(19:00:52) Alex Seda: Bubbles was my least favorite Powerpuff Girl
(19:00:52) Ronnie: Holy fuck!
(19:01:03) Ronnie: That’s a BIG girl!
(19:01:25) Alex Seda: That’s a whole lotta manwoman
(19:02:12) Ronnie: Tipper Somore? Nice name… +1 for that
(19:02:27) Ronnie: Emma Grashun
(19:02:44) Ronnie: OK, getting silly now, Rachel Slurr
(19:02:44) Alex Seda: I like how they broke this into chapters.
(19:03:03) Ronnie: yeah
(19:03:17) Alex Seda: That was halfway clever
(19:04:14) Ronnie: yeah, like ‘her’ removing a note from between her tits
(19:05:27) Alex Seda: lol, Trannies LOVE Bionic Woman apparently
(19:05:44) Ronnie: yeah, especially ones that still look like a man
(19:05:53) Ronnie: … and get quarters thrown at them.
(19:06:54) Alex Seda: Chapter 2: WEENIELAND
(19:07:05) Ronnie: uh oh… I have a bad feeling about this…
(19:08:01) Alex Seda: Quentin Tarantino style scene
(19:08:32) Ronnie: yeah, too much talking
(19:09:08) Ronnie: ’alternative lifestyle representative’…
(19:10:37) Alex Seda: This is one hell of a soliliquy (sp?)
(19:12:13) Alex Seda: ahhhhhhhhhhh
(19:13:39) Ronnie: face is same as mask… nice
(19:15:06) Ronnie: a tranny that’s had an abortion?
(19:15:25) Alex Seda: I somehow believe thats not possible
(19:15:27) Alex Seda: but then again
(19:15:49) Ronnie: never know with medical science now-a-days
(19:16:03) Alex Seda: too true
(19:16:24) Ronnie: line of the movie so far:
(19:16:38) Ronnie: ’watch your step, your dick will fall out’
(19:16:52) Alex Seda: easily the line of the film thus far
(19:17:03) Alex Seda: I’m pretty sure this is the murdery part
(19:17:40) Ronnie: at least a good beating…
(19:18:58) Alex Seda: This doesn’t at all look like the shadiest place ever
(19:19:23) Ronnie: no no, not at all
(19:19:32) Ronnie: even with Mr. Nacho
(19:19:49) Alex Seda: OH NO
(19:20:02) Alex Seda: abuse man is here with a baseball bat!
(19:20:04) Ronnie: oh dear
(19:22:11) Alex Seda: oh noes, the rapey murderer
(19:22:25) Alex Seda: that’s the double trouble
(19:22:28) Ronnie: greasy rapey murderer
(19:22:45) Alex Seda: with a southern accent
(19:22:51) Alex Seda: so you KNOW he is evil

Sleazy, greasy, rapist man

(19:22:53) Ronnie: ’Greasy Tranny Rapist With a Baseball Bat’ – it’s the next big movie!
(19:23:30) Ronnie: did I just see a man taken down with a bitch slap?
(19:23:35) Alex Seda: You sure as fuck did
(19:23:47) Ronnie: oh the shame
(19:23:47) Alex Seda: manliest bitchslap ever
(19:24:46) Alex Seda: Pinky La’Trimm is hilarious
(19:24:55) Alex Seda: also, I bet that bitch doesn’t play
(19:24:56) Ronnie: yeah
(19:25:35) Ronnie: like the blood and hair on the baseball bat
(19:25:55) Alex Seda: yeah that was a nice touch
(19:26:07) Ronnie: again
(19:26:26) Alex Seda: Now the Greasy raper-muderer man is stealing peoples wigs and shit too
(19:26:28) Alex Seda: that’s ice cold
(19:26:47) Ronnie: has he no decency?!
(19:27:02) Alex Seda: none
(19:27:33) Ronnie: the heels are coming off… this is SERIOUS
(19:27:49) Alex Seda: I was wonderinh ow long it would take
(19:27:58) Alex Seda: because once a broad takes off them heels
(19:28:08) Alex Seda: whoa boy, it is on like Donkey Kong
(19:28:20) Ronnie: it’s like a man taking his jacket off
(19:28:36) Alex Seda: Apparently this is now Tranny Diehard with this lady creeping around in industrial setting with blue lighting
(19:29:01) Ronnie: the blue lighting is the ‘cold environment’ scene tip-off
(19:29:14) Alex Seda: movie-making 101
(19:29:23) Alex Seda: NINJA TRANNY KICK
(19:30:10) Ronnie: uh oh, Pinky’s onto them!
(19:30:25) Alex Seda: Pinky kicked the ever loving shit outta that door
(19:30:29) Ronnie: if she gets on-top of them then there’ll be trouble
(19:31:14) Alex Seda: PENIS STAB!
(19:31:24) Ronnie: yeah, knife to the balls!
(19:31:58) Ronnie: aw it was only a knife to the leg
(19:32:18) Alex Seda: damn
(19:32:20) Ronnie: ewww, heel to the eye!
(19:32:26) Alex Seda: whole lot of dead people
(19:32:35) Alex Seda: I knew the heel to the eye was coming
(19:32:36) Ronnie: Jesus, greasy rapist is still going!
(19:32:57) Alex Seda: You should know after all the rapey revenge flciks we’ve seen, Rapists are superhuman
(19:33:07) Alex Seda: YES missing reels
(19:33:12) Ronnie: oh no, a missing reel!

Ah fuck! I want my money back!

(19:33:16) Alex Seda: we just missed a whole fucking chapter
(19:33:22) Ronnie: ’I'm at the rear entrance’
(19:33:42) Alex Seda: I’m gonna leave that alone
(19:34:49) Ronnie: ’as supportive as your jock strap’
(19:34:55) Ronnie: some really good lines in this film
(19:36:12) Alex Seda: yeah, these lady persons are sassy as all get out
(19:36:21) Ronnie: bizaaaaarre nurse!

Creepy nurse is... creepy!

(19:37:11) Alex Seda: she is creepy i don’t trust her
(19:37:26) Ronnie: the doctor is even MORE creepy!
(19:38:18) Alex Seda: this whole scene is very, very weird
(19:38:28) Ronnie: absolutely!
(19:40:40) Ronnie: raped shemale with speech impediment… amazing
(19:41:33) Alex Seda: someone must’ve thought this was absolutely hilarious
(19:41:46) Alex Seda: it is kind of comedy gold, I just wonder if they are playing this for laughs or…
(19:41:46) Ronnie: I do!
(19:43:09) Alex Seda: When did this turn into aSamurai flick?
(19:43:27) Ronnie: God only knows
(19:43:53) Ronnie: I don’t think the Amish normally have shemales, do they??
(19:44:13) Alex Seda: They do live quite secretive lives…
(19:44:28) Ronnie: that’s suspicious then
(19:45:01) Ronnie: double male logo on his robe…
(19:45:23) Alex Seda: and he was singing lyrics to a black eye peas some or something
(19:45:40) Ronnie: yeah, almost as disturbing as him
(19:45:58) Alex Seda: We officially walked into another movie
(19:46:38) Alex Seda: ”Gay Cruises to Greece.” So they have gay cruise lines. Good to know.
(19:47:08) Ronnie: I’ll bet they have
(19:48:30) Alex Seda: phew, glad that’s over
(19:48:45) Ronnie: yeah, that was weeeeeeird and pretty unnecessary
(19:48:56) Ronnie: return of the rapist
(19:49:01) Ronnie: oh, maybe not
(19:49:02) Alex Seda: That was indian severed flying head weird
(19:49:21) Ronnie: with the same amount of special effects…
(19:50:05) Alex Seda: Nice bathrobe?
(19:50:25) Ronnie: nice house…
(19:50:38) Alex Seda: I know right, that thing is pretty large.
(19:50:56) Alex Seda: Is rapey dude already in the house?
(19:51:00) Alex Seda: Probably
(19:51:13) Ronnie: maybe-eeee
(19:51:42) Alex Seda: that was kinda a cool shot, doing it with the mirrors
(19:51:49) Ronnie: yeah
(19:52:13) Ronnie: that was a good scene… was sure something was gonna happen
(19:52:30) Alex Seda: Gee, why don’t you take a look at the HUGE KNIFE she just that lemon with.
(19:52:45) Alex Seda: oh well played movie
(19:52:51) Alex Seda: knife was there, now isn’t there
(19:52:56) Ronnie: and you thought YOU were being smart
(19:53:06) Alex Seda: I know, for once a movie was a step ahead of me
(19:53:16) Ronnie: a tranny movie no less
(19:53:38) Alex Seda: This scene so far is pretty masterfully done
(19:53:55) Alex Seda: OH NO RAPEY GUY

as rapey guy says: STOP! Hammer time...

(19:53:57) Ronnie: yes indeed
(19:54:37) Alex Seda: Rapey guy is actually really good at being this creepy
(19:55:50) Ronnie: yeah he IS good at being creepy
(19:57:05) Alex Seda: whoa all of the sudden tranny is a professional ninja
(19:57:13) Ronnie: Kung-Fu tranny!
(19:57:22) Alex Seda: someone should make that movie
(19:57:30) Alex Seda: actually, Japan prbably already beat us to it
(19:57:56) Ronnie: yeah, I’m sure they’re onto the third sequel by now
(20:00:08) Alex Seda: Rapey guy is really amazing, helluva actor.
(20:00:23) Alex Seda: He is holding this movie together at this point.
(20:00:41) Ronnie: yeah, it’s slowing down now…
(20:01:13) Alex Seda: going into traditional grindhousey territory now
(20:01:45) Ronnie: no need for all this blabbering
(20:02:13) Alex Seda: Padding for time, but then again, rapey guy is making it interesting
(20:04:36) Alex Seda: oh wow
(20:04:49) Alex Seda: what the fuck just happened
(20:04:56) Ronnie: it’s tranny-Commando time!
(20:05:06) Alex Seda: Ronnie, the things you talk me into watching
(20:05:13) Alex Seda: HEY WAIT TIME TRAVEL NOW?
(20:05:30) Alex Seda: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, didn’t see that coming
(20:05:59) Alex Seda: this film is 7 shades of crazy
(20:06:08) Ronnie: yeah
(20:07:42) Alex Seda: ”i apologize for fucking up my own psycho revenge scheme”
(20:12:21) Alex Seda: ”Fuck this, it’s too complicated, you shouldn’t flash cards for murder.”
(20:14:18) Alex Seda: Oh shit Pinky had a sword all of a sudden?
(20:14:41) Ronnie: she’s whoopin’ ass
(20:14:44) Ronnie: quite literally
(20:15:25) Alex Seda: Here is our knife fight, I suppose
(20:16:11) Ronnie: with gusto!
(20:16:31) Alex Seda: mucho gusto
(20:16:49) Ronnie: ’tranimals’
(20:17:07) Alex Seda: yup, she said that
(20:17:49) Alex Seda: not the CRT tv
(20:17:51) Alex Seda: c’mon

Oopsies!

(20:18:38) Alex Seda: this movie like to shows kicks like 400 times
(20:20:09) Ronnie: nice knife in the head bit
(20:20:37) Alex Seda: through the skull too, gotta be strong to do that
(20:22:47) Alex Seda: I think they got him
(20:22:48) Ronnie: well, that should kill him…
(20:23:00) Alex Seda: hopefully
(20:23:48) Alex Seda: well, i gotta poop, brb
(20:24:01) Ronnie: uh ok
(20:28:18) Alex Seda: ok back
(20:28:27) Alex Seda: 1.5 stars
(20:28:38) Ronnie: 1.5?! Really that bad?
(20:28:49) Ronnie: Imma give it 3.5 for its madness
(20:29:18) Alex Seda: eh, i enjoyed it, but it wasn’t grea
(20:29:54) Ronnie: one of my better choices in recent times, I must say…
(20:30:50) Alex Seda: it was def entertaining

Ronnie’s Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Alex’s Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

Trailer:
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrWT1a1_ta4

They weren't fucking around with the title.

Rutger Hauer is no stranger to us here at Midnight Showing, and he shouldn’t be a stranger to you either.  Most famous for his role opposite Harrison Ford in the Ridley Scott directed sci-fi/dystopian classic Blade Runner, Hauer has carved out an…interesting resume of films including one where he played a blind swordsman.  Now he can add homeless folk hero to that list.  Jason Eisner, director of the Killer Christmas Tree Rampage short TREEVENGE (which is available to watch for free just about everywhere on the damn internet) has adapted another one of his shorts into a feature length Grindhouse opus which delivers in every way it’s audacious title promises and then some.

The story is a simple one but works well thanks to its lack of unnecessary complications.  A mysterious homeless man rides into a town run by a super evil scumbag criminal and his gang, and our heroic hobo decides that he has seen enough of the filth and urban decay and take matters into his our hands, 12 gauge style.  From that point on, which is relatively early in the film, we are treating to a back and forth battle between the hobo and the garbage of the city in quite the gore laden fashion.  Outside of the nearly relentless violence and top-notch, cgi-less blood splattering and viscera, Hauer weighs in with a captivating performance that seems almost out of place in a film like this because it’s so incredibly effective.  Wrap this package up with some heavy-handed but non the less accurate social commentary and observations, and an ending that is the perfect definition of bitter sweet, and you have the makings of and incredible film that has sky-rocketed to the top of my 2011 list.  Break bot your legs to see this flick.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

One half of "The Plague." I'll let your imagination do the work on what these badasses are all about.

I Saw the Devil (2010)

Going in to this I knew it was a Korean film, but I had no idea what the film was about. I’d heard it recommended by SO many people that I HAD to check it out. And I’m glad I did!

In short the film is your basic revenge story: When his pregnant fiancee becomes the latest victim of a serial killer, a secret agent blurs the line between good and evil in his pursuit of revenge. (IMDB.com)

The movie starts with a woman, in her car, on the phone. She explains to her fiancée that she’s got a flat tyre and waiting on the tow truck to arrive. A car pulls up and a gentleman gets out and offers to help fix her car. She politely declines and the guy walks away. The guy returns with gusto, smasher her windscreen in then smashing her brains in.

So begins the revenge. The fiancée works for the intelligence services and, eventually, manages to find the killer.

And that was to the guy who DIDN'T do the murder!

From here on in he tracks the killer and, while he’s in the middle of torturing someone, the fiancée appears and kicks the crap out of the killer. Telling him that it’ll get worse each time. Problem is, the killer is quite enjoying the whole thing and isn’t as daft as he looks. Eventually the killer finds out how he’s being found, and the twists and turns begin.

Although it sounds like your average thriller it’s not. It has quite a few action scenes and certainly some elements of horror. Even a sprinkling of humour in places.

Would you pull a big long spikey thing out your own hand? Ouch!

The effects are pretty good, no head explosions or anything, but plenty of blood and people being stabbed and beaten. The acting is all good. Particularly the guy playing the killer, he totally reminded me of the uber-creepy Anthony Wong, which IS a compliment, honest!

Yeah, I think he might be your man...

The locations are all nice and colourful, always using the appropriate colours to give more mood to a scene.

I don’t want to say too much more about the films story as near the end I’m thinking ‘so how can the fiancée possibly win?’.

Look, just watch it, OK?!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFp6BVHiVPo

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (1991)

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (aka: Lik Wong) is a movie adaptation of a Japanese manga (comic book to us westerners), but don’t let that put you off. This isn’t Hollywood going lame on comic book adaptations, oh no, this is full on, in yer face, blood, gore, and action. And on the cheap!

The movie begins with a police van entering a prison. The prisoners are presented to a group, seated behind a desk, where they must step forward and give their name. It’s here that we meet Riki Oh.

It’s here we’re told the rules of the prisons four wings, North, East, South and West each with their own ‘head’ and fighter. The prisoners must deal with them first before they can even think about meeting the Assistant Warden, never mind THE Warden himself!

One rather meek old gentleman is up for parole, gets bullied, a wood plane to the face then denied parole. Riki brandishes some swift justice with a trip which ends with the leaders face, and hand, being skewered on a carefully placed plank of wood with rather large nails protruding from it.

So THAT's where the saying 'nailed' comes from... I see...

The leader plans his revenge (via the prison wardens) by releasing his rather plump friend to dispense justice upon Riki. By now the meek gentleman his hung himself and Riki is obviously hell bent on revenge. Needless to say the fat man is unsuccessful and Riki is now something of a prison superstar, fighting for justice and revenge.

... and that's NOT a fat-suit!

With the fat man gone, Riki is in isolation, meditating if you will, and it’s here we are told of his background. He has learned special kung-fu from his uncle (taught to him in a graveyard, of course) and it’s this, combined with his special power, that gives him the ability to punch through people and such-like.

But, unfortunately, Riki’s ass is out the window since the Assistant Warden wants to see him. I’m sure he’d like an explanation for the disemboweled plump man.

No, wait, I'll come up with a funny gag in a sec... hook... eye... uhhh...

The Assistant Warden is quite the character. Hook handed and with a false eye (which holds mints it seems) he’s not impressed with Riki’s justice, and Riki isn’t impressed with the Assistant Wardens threats to his girlfriend. The Assistant Warden gets one of the prison wing fighters to take out Riki.

Seeing a man punch through a fat man’s belly is weird. No doubt about it. But this next scene is now legendary. As Riki fights the prisoner, the fighter proceeds to fall on his knife, disembowel himself then choke Riki with his intestines! No, seriously, he does!

The man on the right has disemboweled himself and using his own guts to strangle Riki...

Next comes the creepiest character in the entire film, Rogan. Leader of one of the prison wings I have no idea if it’s a he, or a she:

He? She? I have no idea...

Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

The madness doesn’t end there, it goes on and on. There’s now three prison leaders on Riki’s ass all wanting to kill him for the glory. Meanwhile the prisoners see Riki as something of a freedom fighter, or vigilante, if you will.

Having been locked in a cage with one of the larger leaders Riki takes him out by punching up, under his jaw, and out his mouth. Absolutely bizarre. And, of course, done with $10 effects.

Top of the line special effects there huh?

Two leaders left and Riki is still alive, but not for long. The Warden gets Riki buried alive in sand. As his body is exhumed Riki is, surprise surprise, still alive. He’s then tortured by the he/she-thing and forced to eat razor blades. Riki eventually escapes (surprise!) only to find that another of his prison colleagues has been murdered. Now he’s really REALLY pissed! A prison riot breaks out and it’s here that Riki manages to punch through a riot shield and the cop behind it! What a guy! It’s at this point the Warden goes ape-shit and shoots the Assistant Warden with some sort of inflatable/exploding bullet…

Yes, that's the Assistant Warden with his arm cut off, inflating, and about to explode. No, I have no idea what is going on anymore.

Riki is next, but all is not as it seems (a bit like the whole film so far) as the Warden turns into some large monster. Again, made using $10 effects:

Quite possibly THE worst special effects EVAR!

Needless to say, Riki whoops his monster ass, by mincing him, and presents the head of the head to the wardens and prisoners.

Just when you thought the effects couldn't get any worse...

The movie ends with Riki punching through the wall of the prison and telling the prisoners that they are all free men. Why he couldn’t just do that at the start of the film I’ve no idea.

Although it may seem as though I’ve said many bad things about Riki-Oh I really like the film. The actors are playing it straight in a completely ridiculous storyline. The effects are completely over the top and so bad they’re good, and the dubbing is God awful. There’s really not much to seriously hate about the film!

The Story of Riki-Oh is legendary, and deservedly so. I can but only give it top marks.

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars +1

Clips:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vMKN1tYknE

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWImBJyxPCE