The Exterminator (1980)

One of the better exploitation films from my youth was The Exterminator. I still remember his catchphrase of “If you’re lying, I’ll be back”, so when the remastered directors cut surfaced, I had to see it. Fast forward to December 2011 and here it is, in all it’s bloody gory glory. The story is a simple vigilante story: When John Eastland’s best friend, Michael Jefferson, is mugged and left permanently crippled, he decides to do something about it. Jefferson had saved Eastland’s life in Vietnam and now it’s time for Eastland to get revenge for his friend. Using his old Army gear he sets out on a crusade to clean up the streets of New York using the name “The Exterminator.” [IMDb]

The movie starts out with our two main characters escaping a Vietnamese attack. Yep, you guessed it, they’re Vietnam vets. I should stress here that it’s rather well done for a cheap film. There’s some big, and I mean BIG, explosions, plenty of fire and a fair bit of gore, ie: a decapitation, when the Vietnamese are demanding information. I haven’t seen this film in years and wasn’t expecting the decap, so when it happened it totally unexpected and, for the time, very well done, FX-wise I mean.

Now THAT's a gaping wound!

Our main character (played by Robert Ginty) is down and saved by his sidekick. Once air lifted to safety we see them working at a meat market. Mr. Ginty walks in on a robbery and is, again, saved by his cohort. Unfortunately for his cohort he’s later attacked by the robbers and is left crippled. It’s here that our man has been (as the cover says) ‘pushed too far’.

Immediate +1 for having a flame thrower!

After hunting down the guys who crippled his war buddy, our man goes after various other scumbags who cross him in various ways. Needless to say, most of them end up worst off.

Why yes, it is a man (in chains) dangling above a giant meat grinder.

I remembered it fondly as a fine exploitation film of the vigilante era and was hesitant to watch it in case I spoiled some fond memories, but even now, 30yrs later it’s still a cracking good film.

The beheading is an excellent effect, others are your bog standard blood splats and what-have-you. The acting is good, but there’s absolutely no funny parts to this movie. Not a jot. On the bright side though, there are some nekkid b00bs.

We're offering a BOGOF today, Sir. Look at some fine female boobs and you get to see some man boobs absolutely free!

I highly recommend this fine vigilante film if you’re in the mood to see scumbags getting their comeuppance, and it has a good ending. Now… should I watch The Exterminator 2 next, or the original Death Wish? Hmm…

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Sint (2010) aka: Saint

Well, it’s that time again. You know, it’s the one where us Christian heathens become believers just to get some shitty presents. Yep, it’s Christmas. And we all need a good festive movie to get us into the spirit of things.

To hell with the inevitable James Bond, and Dorothy can stick her Wizard of Oz. Sint is where it’s at!

Hailing from the Netherlands, and called Saint for us English folks, it’s based around their legend of St. Niklas a rogue bishop who pillages villages in the 1400′s with a list of demands. But, the peasants are revolting and old Nik is about to get some payback. Flambé style! The plebs torch Nik by fire bombing his ship (yes, he has a cool pirate style ship) and on each full moon of December the 5th, Nik returns to seek revenge!

Hey, look, it's Santa Clau... uh-oh...

Sint is part action, part horror and even part comedy, but it’s all done really well. Sure there are some shoddy CGI effects, but, c’mon, this isn’t a 50 bajillion dollar Hollywood number. The kills are good (with Niklas using his staff to decapitate an armed cop) with some nice jump scares too, just for good measure. Lots of nice touches with things like the boy drawing a smiley face in the condensation of his bedroom window which, when the camera is outside looking in, lines up with his smiling face. It’s a simple, silly little thing, but it’s a nice touch which distracts you from the incoming scare.

I'm not sure if this is comedy, or bad subtitles. But I like it!

Anyway… where was I? Oh yes. One kid goes to check on some pigs in a barn to find his family massacred by St. Niklas and his goons (‘Black Pete’s. I’m not sure that’s politically correct these days. Is it? Oh no, wait, I don’t care.) That kid grows up to be a cop who warns of the impending massacre at midnight on this December 05th (with full moon of course).

So, we’re now following some school teens one of whom is going out this December night dressed as St. Nik. Not good. Well, things happen, like friends being bumped off and our poor lame St. Nik gets framed. Many more murders start popping up and, of course, it’s now that the Chief of cops starts to reread the report given by his once loony copper.

See, that's what happens when you shoot St. Niklaus's horse in the neck...

Next thing, we’ve got the kid and the mad copper trying to take down old Nik. I’m not going to give away the ending, so fear not.

I don't think he's gonna give you any nice presents...

Sint is a good Christmas themed movie. Has some nice effects, good kills, and Nik himself looks like a cross between Santa and Freddy. Which is nice. I’m giving it less than 4 out of 5 as it starts off pretty awesome then slows down a bit where they need to introduce us to the fodder teens.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Witch Bitch

Unlike in Aerobicide there are not a lot of padding scenes in Death Spa of people working out, but there are a couple of dance numbers with crap music. Not as crap as in Aerobicide, but also not as memorable. Except for the closing song of Death Spa, in which they sing about the movie itself. This is one of the many things I miss about the 80s.

The story here is that Michael (William Bumiller) owns a gym, or spa as they called them back then, and the daily operations are completely dependent on his crazy former brother in law David (gay cult icon Merritt Butrick) and the complicated computer system the BIL has set up. Oh, computers.

Now that his wife is dead, gym employee Laura (Brenda Bakke), who danced her way through the opening credits, is the new lady in his life. We see her finish her workout  and get into the sauna nude, her hand starts moving south…and then the system goes nuts and starts steaming her alive. Fortunately she breaks the window and somersaults through.

We find out that Michael’s wife killed herself after a screwup during the birth of their (stillborn? I don’t see a kid anywhere) child left her in a wheelchair. But she didn’t just take some pills; she self-immolated. As more than one character reminds us, she was “burned to unrecognizable ashes.”

Someone is busy killing off the gym’s clientele. Is it the dead wife’s ghost (Shari Shattuck), the brother in law, the computer itself, an angry employee (Alexa Hamilton), a shady business partner, or a combination?

Standout scenes: a gay guy brushes off a horny woman by telling her, “you’re VHS; I’m Betamax.” That’s a unique approach to coming out. Blaxploitation fave Rosalind Cash shows up as one of the cops investigating the deaths. David explains to the cops what “hacking” is. A guy gets his torso ripped apart by a resistance upper body machine. A man has his throat cut by a frozen fish which comes back to life through the magic of, well, magic I guess. There is a death by blender scene. The dead wife and her brother become one, in more ways than one. There is an attempted murder by tanning bed.

My copy of Death Spa is a Japanese import region free DVD; I’m pretty sure this is OOP in the USA. You know you have been watching too many weird films when you can look at Asian subtitles and tell the languages apart, yet can’t read a word of it. Also, apparently Japanese DVDs have to blur out the bush, so no full frontal. Just pixelated frontal.

This is not what anyone would call “a good movie,” but if you’re reading this site you probably don’t need to be told that. The question we have to deal with here at Midnight Showing is, “Does it entertain?” The answer is yes, immensely, a thousand times yes. I would have given it three stars anyway because it’s everything that was great about late 80s horror (everyone looks great, nobody is likeable, everything is leading up to a death extravaganza party that can’t be cancelled), but I have to bump it up to 4 for the plentitude of topless ladies and crazy death scenes.

Right from the get go, we are assailed with a moving wall of text setting up why this film will never be able to be made again (which is true, this had to be made at a certain time for any chance at authenticity) and some mentions of a “code” that exists among the carny folk, among other things.  THIS is where I find FREAKS has the absolute most to offer anyone who watches it in todays morally bankrupt and culturally suicidal society.  For those that don’t know, the main arc examined through FREAKS is that of a couple (A Strongman performer type and a Trapeze broad who happens to be French if the accent was deciphered correctly by yours truly) that is plotting to get the lady in the couple to marry the roaming carnival promoter and then kill him in order to inherit the fortunes he apparently has coming to him.  Of course, our savvy band of deformed oddities and lovable monsters is a step ahead of the nefarious duo and their shady plan and, by the end of the film, kill the man (or at least we are led to believe that they killed him since we never see him again after he is stuck in the ribs with a knife and descended upon by a dozen or so blade wielding freaks crawling underneath a carriage in the middle of a terribly stormy night) and disfigure the trapeze artiste almost beyond recognition making her “one of them.”

Proud to be part of the Carnival of Blood Blogathon!

This is where I usually get to fist pumping and celebrating the no nonsense attitude these people took when dealing with folks who would seek to take advantage of them and, in the end, murder one of their own.  Nowadays, if someone marries into money, people applaud the move, or they get a reality tv show, or they are thought of as clever and smart and the most resentment you will get from the general public is jealousy instead complete and utter disgust.  The forces that control our media and institutions have engineered a climate where everyone is a potential enemy to the millions that is so rightfully yours and if ONLY you could get those sandbagging motherfuckers out of the picture, you would have less competition in your way and could realize your dream of being better than everyone else, consequences be damned.  But the FREAKS survive by travelling and working together to entertain audiences and use the curses that have been so unfairly bestowed upon them as a tool for something not unlike success.  They may be laugh at, teased, and ridiculed, but they have your attention and some of your cash, and they have done it by embracing what they and piquing your curiosity and allowing you to explore those emotions for a nominal fee.  Everyone wins and in a symbiotic and subconscious way, everyone takes care of everyone else.  What the fuck is better than that?

FREAKS Full Movie

Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives (2010)

From IMDb: A group of trannies are violently bashed and left for dead. The surviving ladies regain consciousness, confidence, and courage ready to seek out revenge on the ones who attacked them.

(18:57:10) Alex Seda: Helen Keller Joke right off the bat?
(18:57:13) Ronnie: I’m liking the crackly old style intro credits
(18:57:34) Alex Seda: They are packing on the Grindhouse feel pretty thick
(18:58:35) Alex Seda: This is a pretty slick uninterrupted shot for the credits
(18:59:09) Ronnie: yeah, shame everyone is either called ‘girl’ or ‘honey’
(18:59:41) Ronnie: Written & Directed by Israel?
(18:59:52) Alex Seda: The whole country!
(18:59:55) Ronnie: Jesus Christ they’re horrible trannies!

That's nothing, you should see the fourth one...

(19:00:12) Ronnie: ’Ladies’?! Where??
(19:00:33) Ronnie: ’Bubbles’??!!
(19:00:40) Alex Seda: Well, the title did say that there would be trannies and whatnot
(19:00:52) Alex Seda: Bubbles was my least favorite Powerpuff Girl
(19:00:52) Ronnie: Holy fuck!
(19:01:03) Ronnie: That’s a BIG girl!
(19:01:25) Alex Seda: That’s a whole lotta manwoman
(19:02:12) Ronnie: Tipper Somore? Nice name… +1 for that
(19:02:27) Ronnie: Emma Grashun
(19:02:44) Ronnie: OK, getting silly now, Rachel Slurr
(19:02:44) Alex Seda: I like how they broke this into chapters.
(19:03:03) Ronnie: yeah
(19:03:17) Alex Seda: That was halfway clever
(19:04:14) Ronnie: yeah, like ‘her’ removing a note from between her tits
(19:05:27) Alex Seda: lol, Trannies LOVE Bionic Woman apparently
(19:05:44) Ronnie: yeah, especially ones that still look like a man
(19:05:53) Ronnie: … and get quarters thrown at them.
(19:06:54) Alex Seda: Chapter 2: WEENIELAND
(19:07:05) Ronnie: uh oh… I have a bad feeling about this…
(19:08:01) Alex Seda: Quentin Tarantino style scene
(19:08:32) Ronnie: yeah, too much talking
(19:09:08) Ronnie: ’alternative lifestyle representative’…
(19:10:37) Alex Seda: This is one hell of a soliliquy (sp?)
(19:12:13) Alex Seda: ahhhhhhhhhhh
(19:13:39) Ronnie: face is same as mask… nice
(19:15:06) Ronnie: a tranny that’s had an abortion?
(19:15:25) Alex Seda: I somehow believe thats not possible
(19:15:27) Alex Seda: but then again
(19:15:49) Ronnie: never know with medical science now-a-days
(19:16:03) Alex Seda: too true
(19:16:24) Ronnie: line of the movie so far:
(19:16:38) Ronnie: ’watch your step, your dick will fall out’
(19:16:52) Alex Seda: easily the line of the film thus far
(19:17:03) Alex Seda: I’m pretty sure this is the murdery part
(19:17:40) Ronnie: at least a good beating…
(19:18:58) Alex Seda: This doesn’t at all look like the shadiest place ever
(19:19:23) Ronnie: no no, not at all
(19:19:32) Ronnie: even with Mr. Nacho
(19:19:49) Alex Seda: OH NO
(19:20:02) Alex Seda: abuse man is here with a baseball bat!
(19:20:04) Ronnie: oh dear
(19:22:11) Alex Seda: oh noes, the rapey murderer
(19:22:25) Alex Seda: that’s the double trouble
(19:22:28) Ronnie: greasy rapey murderer
(19:22:45) Alex Seda: with a southern accent
(19:22:51) Alex Seda: so you KNOW he is evil

Sleazy, greasy, rapist man

(19:22:53) Ronnie: ’Greasy Tranny Rapist With a Baseball Bat’ – it’s the next big movie!
(19:23:30) Ronnie: did I just see a man taken down with a bitch slap?
(19:23:35) Alex Seda: You sure as fuck did
(19:23:47) Ronnie: oh the shame
(19:23:47) Alex Seda: manliest bitchslap ever
(19:24:46) Alex Seda: Pinky La’Trimm is hilarious
(19:24:55) Alex Seda: also, I bet that bitch doesn’t play
(19:24:56) Ronnie: yeah
(19:25:35) Ronnie: like the blood and hair on the baseball bat
(19:25:55) Alex Seda: yeah that was a nice touch
(19:26:07) Ronnie: again
(19:26:26) Alex Seda: Now the Greasy raper-muderer man is stealing peoples wigs and shit too
(19:26:28) Alex Seda: that’s ice cold
(19:26:47) Ronnie: has he no decency?!
(19:27:02) Alex Seda: none
(19:27:33) Ronnie: the heels are coming off… this is SERIOUS
(19:27:49) Alex Seda: I was wonderinh ow long it would take
(19:27:58) Alex Seda: because once a broad takes off them heels
(19:28:08) Alex Seda: whoa boy, it is on like Donkey Kong
(19:28:20) Ronnie: it’s like a man taking his jacket off
(19:28:36) Alex Seda: Apparently this is now Tranny Diehard with this lady creeping around in industrial setting with blue lighting
(19:29:01) Ronnie: the blue lighting is the ‘cold environment’ scene tip-off
(19:29:14) Alex Seda: movie-making 101
(19:29:23) Alex Seda: NINJA TRANNY KICK
(19:30:10) Ronnie: uh oh, Pinky’s onto them!
(19:30:25) Alex Seda: Pinky kicked the ever loving shit outta that door
(19:30:29) Ronnie: if she gets on-top of them then there’ll be trouble
(19:31:14) Alex Seda: PENIS STAB!
(19:31:24) Ronnie: yeah, knife to the balls!
(19:31:58) Ronnie: aw it was only a knife to the leg
(19:32:18) Alex Seda: damn
(19:32:20) Ronnie: ewww, heel to the eye!
(19:32:26) Alex Seda: whole lot of dead people
(19:32:35) Alex Seda: I knew the heel to the eye was coming
(19:32:36) Ronnie: Jesus, greasy rapist is still going!
(19:32:57) Alex Seda: You should know after all the rapey revenge flciks we’ve seen, Rapists are superhuman
(19:33:07) Alex Seda: YES missing reels
(19:33:12) Ronnie: oh no, a missing reel!

Ah fuck! I want my money back!

(19:33:16) Alex Seda: we just missed a whole fucking chapter
(19:33:22) Ronnie: ’I'm at the rear entrance’
(19:33:42) Alex Seda: I’m gonna leave that alone
(19:34:49) Ronnie: ’as supportive as your jock strap’
(19:34:55) Ronnie: some really good lines in this film
(19:36:12) Alex Seda: yeah, these lady persons are sassy as all get out
(19:36:21) Ronnie: bizaaaaarre nurse!

Creepy nurse is... creepy!

(19:37:11) Alex Seda: she is creepy i don’t trust her
(19:37:26) Ronnie: the doctor is even MORE creepy!
(19:38:18) Alex Seda: this whole scene is very, very weird
(19:38:28) Ronnie: absolutely!
(19:40:40) Ronnie: raped shemale with speech impediment… amazing
(19:41:33) Alex Seda: someone must’ve thought this was absolutely hilarious
(19:41:46) Alex Seda: it is kind of comedy gold, I just wonder if they are playing this for laughs or…
(19:41:46) Ronnie: I do!
(19:43:09) Alex Seda: When did this turn into aSamurai flick?
(19:43:27) Ronnie: God only knows
(19:43:53) Ronnie: I don’t think the Amish normally have shemales, do they??
(19:44:13) Alex Seda: They do live quite secretive lives…
(19:44:28) Ronnie: that’s suspicious then
(19:45:01) Ronnie: double male logo on his robe…
(19:45:23) Alex Seda: and he was singing lyrics to a black eye peas some or something
(19:45:40) Ronnie: yeah, almost as disturbing as him
(19:45:58) Alex Seda: We officially walked into another movie
(19:46:38) Alex Seda: ”Gay Cruises to Greece.” So they have gay cruise lines. Good to know.
(19:47:08) Ronnie: I’ll bet they have
(19:48:30) Alex Seda: phew, glad that’s over
(19:48:45) Ronnie: yeah, that was weeeeeeird and pretty unnecessary
(19:48:56) Ronnie: return of the rapist
(19:49:01) Ronnie: oh, maybe not
(19:49:02) Alex Seda: That was indian severed flying head weird
(19:49:21) Ronnie: with the same amount of special effects…
(19:50:05) Alex Seda: Nice bathrobe?
(19:50:25) Ronnie: nice house…
(19:50:38) Alex Seda: I know right, that thing is pretty large.
(19:50:56) Alex Seda: Is rapey dude already in the house?
(19:51:00) Alex Seda: Probably
(19:51:13) Ronnie: maybe-eeee
(19:51:42) Alex Seda: that was kinda a cool shot, doing it with the mirrors
(19:51:49) Ronnie: yeah
(19:52:13) Ronnie: that was a good scene… was sure something was gonna happen
(19:52:30) Alex Seda: Gee, why don’t you take a look at the HUGE KNIFE she just that lemon with.
(19:52:45) Alex Seda: oh well played movie
(19:52:51) Alex Seda: knife was there, now isn’t there
(19:52:56) Ronnie: and you thought YOU were being smart
(19:53:06) Alex Seda: I know, for once a movie was a step ahead of me
(19:53:16) Ronnie: a tranny movie no less
(19:53:38) Alex Seda: This scene so far is pretty masterfully done
(19:53:55) Alex Seda: OH NO RAPEY GUY

as rapey guy says: STOP! Hammer time...

(19:53:57) Ronnie: yes indeed
(19:54:37) Alex Seda: Rapey guy is actually really good at being this creepy
(19:55:50) Ronnie: yeah he IS good at being creepy
(19:57:05) Alex Seda: whoa all of the sudden tranny is a professional ninja
(19:57:13) Ronnie: Kung-Fu tranny!
(19:57:22) Alex Seda: someone should make that movie
(19:57:30) Alex Seda: actually, Japan prbably already beat us to it
(19:57:56) Ronnie: yeah, I’m sure they’re onto the third sequel by now
(20:00:08) Alex Seda: Rapey guy is really amazing, helluva actor.
(20:00:23) Alex Seda: He is holding this movie together at this point.
(20:00:41) Ronnie: yeah, it’s slowing down now…
(20:01:13) Alex Seda: going into traditional grindhousey territory now
(20:01:45) Ronnie: no need for all this blabbering
(20:02:13) Alex Seda: Padding for time, but then again, rapey guy is making it interesting
(20:04:36) Alex Seda: oh wow
(20:04:49) Alex Seda: what the fuck just happened
(20:04:56) Ronnie: it’s tranny-Commando time!
(20:05:06) Alex Seda: Ronnie, the things you talk me into watching
(20:05:13) Alex Seda: HEY WAIT TIME TRAVEL NOW?
(20:05:30) Alex Seda: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, didn’t see that coming
(20:05:59) Alex Seda: this film is 7 shades of crazy
(20:06:08) Ronnie: yeah
(20:07:42) Alex Seda: ”i apologize for fucking up my own psycho revenge scheme”
(20:12:21) Alex Seda: ”Fuck this, it’s too complicated, you shouldn’t flash cards for murder.”
(20:14:18) Alex Seda: Oh shit Pinky had a sword all of a sudden?
(20:14:41) Ronnie: she’s whoopin’ ass
(20:14:44) Ronnie: quite literally
(20:15:25) Alex Seda: Here is our knife fight, I suppose
(20:16:11) Ronnie: with gusto!
(20:16:31) Alex Seda: mucho gusto
(20:16:49) Ronnie: ’tranimals’
(20:17:07) Alex Seda: yup, she said that
(20:17:49) Alex Seda: not the CRT tv
(20:17:51) Alex Seda: c’mon

Oopsies!

(20:18:38) Alex Seda: this movie like to shows kicks like 400 times
(20:20:09) Ronnie: nice knife in the head bit
(20:20:37) Alex Seda: through the skull too, gotta be strong to do that
(20:22:47) Alex Seda: I think they got him
(20:22:48) Ronnie: well, that should kill him…
(20:23:00) Alex Seda: hopefully
(20:23:48) Alex Seda: well, i gotta poop, brb
(20:24:01) Ronnie: uh ok
(20:28:18) Alex Seda: ok back
(20:28:27) Alex Seda: 1.5 stars
(20:28:38) Ronnie: 1.5?! Really that bad?
(20:28:49) Ronnie: Imma give it 3.5 for its madness
(20:29:18) Alex Seda: eh, i enjoyed it, but it wasn’t grea
(20:29:54) Ronnie: one of my better choices in recent times, I must say…
(20:30:50) Alex Seda: it was def entertaining

Ronnie’s Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Alex’s Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

Trailer:
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrWT1a1_ta4

They weren't fucking around with the title.

Rutger Hauer is no stranger to us here at Midnight Showing, and he shouldn’t be a stranger to you either.  Most famous for his role opposite Harrison Ford in the Ridley Scott directed sci-fi/dystopian classic Blade Runner, Hauer has carved out an…interesting resume of films including one where he played a blind swordsman.  Now he can add homeless folk hero to that list.  Jason Eisner, director of the Killer Christmas Tree Rampage short TREEVENGE (which is available to watch for free just about everywhere on the damn internet) has adapted another one of his shorts into a feature length Grindhouse opus which delivers in every way it’s audacious title promises and then some.

The story is a simple one but works well thanks to its lack of unnecessary complications.  A mysterious homeless man rides into a town run by a super evil scumbag criminal and his gang, and our heroic hobo decides that he has seen enough of the filth and urban decay and take matters into his our hands, 12 gauge style.  From that point on, which is relatively early in the film, we are treating to a back and forth battle between the hobo and the garbage of the city in quite the gore laden fashion.  Outside of the nearly relentless violence and top-notch, cgi-less blood splattering and viscera, Hauer weighs in with a captivating performance that seems almost out of place in a film like this because it’s so incredibly effective.  Wrap this package up with some heavy-handed but non the less accurate social commentary and observations, and an ending that is the perfect definition of bitter sweet, and you have the makings of and incredible film that has sky-rocketed to the top of my 2011 list.  Break bot your legs to see this flick.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

One half of "The Plague." I'll let your imagination do the work on what these badasses are all about.

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (1991)

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (aka: Lik Wong) is a movie adaptation of a Japanese manga (comic book to us westerners), but don’t let that put you off. This isn’t Hollywood going lame on comic book adaptations, oh no, this is full on, in yer face, blood, gore, and action. And on the cheap!

The movie begins with a police van entering a prison. The prisoners are presented to a group, seated behind a desk, where they must step forward and give their name. It’s here that we meet Riki Oh.

It’s here we’re told the rules of the prisons four wings, North, East, South and West each with their own ‘head’ and fighter. The prisoners must deal with them first before they can even think about meeting the Assistant Warden, never mind THE Warden himself!

One rather meek old gentleman is up for parole, gets bullied, a wood plane to the face then denied parole. Riki brandishes some swift justice with a trip which ends with the leaders face, and hand, being skewered on a carefully placed plank of wood with rather large nails protruding from it.

So THAT's where the saying 'nailed' comes from... I see...

The leader plans his revenge (via the prison wardens) by releasing his rather plump friend to dispense justice upon Riki. By now the meek gentleman his hung himself and Riki is obviously hell bent on revenge. Needless to say the fat man is unsuccessful and Riki is now something of a prison superstar, fighting for justice and revenge.

... and that's NOT a fat-suit!

With the fat man gone, Riki is in isolation, meditating if you will, and it’s here we are told of his background. He has learned special kung-fu from his uncle (taught to him in a graveyard, of course) and it’s this, combined with his special power, that gives him the ability to punch through people and such-like.

But, unfortunately, Riki’s ass is out the window since the Assistant Warden wants to see him. I’m sure he’d like an explanation for the disemboweled plump man.

No, wait, I'll come up with a funny gag in a sec... hook... eye... uhhh...

The Assistant Warden is quite the character. Hook handed and with a false eye (which holds mints it seems) he’s not impressed with Riki’s justice, and Riki isn’t impressed with the Assistant Wardens threats to his girlfriend. The Assistant Warden gets one of the prison wing fighters to take out Riki.

Seeing a man punch through a fat man’s belly is weird. No doubt about it. But this next scene is now legendary. As Riki fights the prisoner, the fighter proceeds to fall on his knife, disembowel himself then choke Riki with his intestines! No, seriously, he does!

The man on the right has disemboweled himself and using his own guts to strangle Riki...

Next comes the creepiest character in the entire film, Rogan. Leader of one of the prison wings I have no idea if it’s a he, or a she:

He? She? I have no idea...

Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

The madness doesn’t end there, it goes on and on. There’s now three prison leaders on Riki’s ass all wanting to kill him for the glory. Meanwhile the prisoners see Riki as something of a freedom fighter, or vigilante, if you will.

Having been locked in a cage with one of the larger leaders Riki takes him out by punching up, under his jaw, and out his mouth. Absolutely bizarre. And, of course, done with $10 effects.

Top of the line special effects there huh?

Two leaders left and Riki is still alive, but not for long. The Warden gets Riki buried alive in sand. As his body is exhumed Riki is, surprise surprise, still alive. He’s then tortured by the he/she-thing and forced to eat razor blades. Riki eventually escapes (surprise!) only to find that another of his prison colleagues has been murdered. Now he’s really REALLY pissed! A prison riot breaks out and it’s here that Riki manages to punch through a riot shield and the cop behind it! What a guy! It’s at this point the Warden goes ape-shit and shoots the Assistant Warden with some sort of inflatable/exploding bullet…

Yes, that's the Assistant Warden with his arm cut off, inflating, and about to explode. No, I have no idea what is going on anymore.

Riki is next, but all is not as it seems (a bit like the whole film so far) as the Warden turns into some large monster. Again, made using $10 effects:

Quite possibly THE worst special effects EVAR!

Needless to say, Riki whoops his monster ass, by mincing him, and presents the head of the head to the wardens and prisoners.

Just when you thought the effects couldn't get any worse...

The movie ends with Riki punching through the wall of the prison and telling the prisoners that they are all free men. Why he couldn’t just do that at the start of the film I’ve no idea.

Although it may seem as though I’ve said many bad things about Riki-Oh I really like the film. The actors are playing it straight in a completely ridiculous storyline. The effects are completely over the top and so bad they’re good, and the dubbing is God awful. There’s really not much to seriously hate about the film!

The Story of Riki-Oh is legendary, and deservedly so. I can but only give it top marks.

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars +1

Clips:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vMKN1tYknE

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWImBJyxPCE

Rubber (2010)

Yes, it’s true. I just watched a movie about a telepathic tyre called Robert.

From IMDb: When Robert, an inanimate tire, discovers his destructive telepathic powers, he soon sets his sights on a desert town; in particular, a mysterious woman becomes his obsession.

The movie starts with a car driving down the road weaving all over the place to knock down chairs. I’ve no idea why, but out the boot of the car comes a cop who babbles on about ‘no reason’ then gets back in the boot and the car drives off. After a short time we see our ‘hero’ finding his feet (or treads I suppose) and trundling through the desert. When he comes across a plastic bottle he discovers (after several attempts) that he can run over the bottle and crush it. Robert then crushes/smashes several other objects, but along the way he discovers that he can use the power of his mind to detonate things.

No, seriously, he can. Don’t laugh.

Having exploded a rabbit and several other forms of life he, inevitably, moves on to people. This is spurred on by being involved in a hit and run accident, and seeing his fellow rubbery bretheren being thrown on a fire. He also takes a shine to a girl who’s car he manages to stall.

All this is seen by a group of people with binoculars. A thin greasy looking kid with glasses issues them with binoculars and they effectively annoy each other by commenting on what’s happening and predicting what will happen next. Fear not though as most of them die early on.

After killing several people, by exploding their heads, the cops are on his little rubbery tail. He flees to a motel, while stalking the aforementioned chick. He chills out, has a shower and a good long nights sleep. In between perving on the chick and killing the motel maid.

I shant explain any further as the ending is epic and made me laugh, heartily.

The whole film is quite surreal and experimental. I particularly liked the camera work where they used some unusual lenses/settings to make objects look tiny. Sometimes it looked like the scene was entirely made up of models/toys. The gore is minimum with heads exploding but it’s not the over the top blood and bits spray for half a mile type explosion. It’s also quite short, just over the one hour mark which was fine. Not too long, not too short.

If definitely think you should see this just to be able to tell your friends that you watched a movie about a telepathic tyre called Robert.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6G5pyFhmAqE

Gamera 2: Assault of the Legion

Yep, that’s right. The big flying turtle is BACK! And, wow, this one was a big surprise! If you need to be brough up to speed on the other big G, check out my review of Gamera (1).

Big G’s lesser known brother (Gamera) returns, once again, to save Tokyo from ‘the Legion’. As IMDb says: A strange meteor lands in Japan unleashing hundreds of insect-like “legion” creatures which find their way into Tokyo. When the military fails to control the situation, Gamera shows up to deal with the ever-evolving space adversary.

OK, first thing I noticed about Gamera 2 is that it’s definitely no kids film. Seconds after the fifteen minute mark we see an underground train driver about to be attacked by a Legion creature. I expected it to be the usual driver-escapes-in-the-nick-of-time thing, or the creature would give him a nasty bruise, but no. We cut to the cabin, hear a scream, see the drivers hand come up, into the shot, and blood spray everywhere!

This a Japanese monster movie? But there's blood, surely there's some mistake!

Totally wasn’t expecting that!

Anyway, the army aren’t doing much to hinder the Legion, and that’s when Gamera shows up on the scene. He launches a giant stream of fire at the Legion pod (which was ready to launch a ton of new Legion beasties) and whoops it’s ass. Unfortunately the millions of legion creatures attack Gamera, covering him completely and force him to retreat and launch into space. Meanwhile, some scientists search for information on Gamera on the Internet:

Netscape! Yaaayyy! Ahh, them were the days!

As the citizens are evacuated we meet up again with the girl from the first Gamera (in this ‘trilogy’) who seems to have a mental connection to Gamera via her little cashew shaped pendant.

Gamera makes a reappearance when another Legion pod appears. This time Gamera attacks them using what looks like some sort of nuke! He whoops them, but pretty much kills himself!

Uh oh, that can't be good. Bad Gamera, BAD GAMERA!

Tokyo is now defenseless against the Legion since Gamera toasted himself. Cue Huey Lewis singing The Power Of Love. As the citizens hold a candle-lit vigil at the toasted remains of Gamera their love (or something) ressurects Gamera and he (or she!) bursts forth to whoop ass once again. Hoorah for candles!

That's some bad indigestion there...

Well, needless to say, Gamera kicks the legions ass and all is good for Tokyo. Well, once they rebuild it that is…

I liked the first in this unofficial trilogy but I gotta admit that this one was even better! It had blood, monsters, fire, explosions… only thing missing was boobs, but ya can’t have everything. Otherwise it’d be 5.5 out of 5. Roll on Gamera 3!

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqevsDGsAs4

Gamera: Guardian of the Universe (1995)

Godzilla… he has his rivals, but none have ever been as popular as the big G. Gamera has come close though, he’s been around since the late 60′s and, like the G, been in both kiddie and serious action films.

The plot of Gamera: Guardian of the Universe is pretty standard fare: The giant flying turtle is back for this 1995 Japanese feature where once again Gamera’s intentions are misinterpreted by the military. All Gamera wants to do is take on his old enemy, Gyaos, the giant prehistoric bird who has nested atop Tokyo Tower. (from IMDb)

In essence you could take out Gamera drop in Godzilla and the plot would remain intact, including the destruction of the Tokyo Tower. The actual script would have to change though. Why? Well, Gamera has a few tricks up his shell. Not only is he ginormous, pondering and the destroyer of cities he is also, it seems, part machine… or something. You see, Gamera has powerful booster rocket things in his feet so in times of need he can simply rocket out of the situation.

Yes, that's Gamera, quite literally making a boost for it...

Not only that, but it one scene he spins 360 degrees and effectively becomes a UFO! Speaking of which, in one scene he rockets into space! Everything was a plain Jane monster movie until that whirling UFO-style scene. Caught me off guard it did…

Like the majority of the G-films the models and suits are up to par, and I mean that in a good way. Although people mock these types of monster suits, you have to realize that these films are made on a low budget yet, in most cases, rake in a ton of money. We in the West might laugh, but it’s the East who get the last laugh.

The 'other' big G about to burp up a fireball.

CGI is present but is, thankfully, kept to a minimum. All those bright explosions seem quite real to me. The CGI is only really used to superimpose the giant birds and for some laser/sound wave effects.

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!!

I’m a big fan of Godzilla and thoroughly enjoyed this Gamera romp. There are apparently another two Gamera films that make up this ‘trilogy’ (of sorts) and I’ll definitely be checking them out ASAP.

If, like me, you like your monster movies then definitely check out Gamera: Guardian of the Universe. The others I’m not so sure about. Yet.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e32GJ8HU_W0