Skeleton Farm's Halloween Horrorshow

As we head in to September it’s not long until that holiday of holiday’s makes an appearance, Halloween. Skeleton Farm have already turned out a new Halloween DVD, like the shopping channels who start showing Christmas decorations in July, but not as bad.

The DVD (yes, it’s a DVD, not just a bog standard AVI mixtape) has a nice menu with several options (trailer etc.) but the mixtape its self starts with a mad doctor (it says so on his lab coat) who tries to sound scary, but just sounds creepy, in a pedo way. Speaking of mad and creepy, we get to some Alice Cooper audio with some cool zombie artwork and animation. Not only that, but within two minutes we get some jiggly boobies! Yay!

White Zombie (Boogie Man) provides the audio for the next part of the tape which is more jiggly boobs, oh and some gore clips mixed in with the video for aforementioned audio track.

I particularly liked the clip from Tales from the Crypt with the Crypt Keeper dressed as Elvis. Couldn’t resist taking a screenshot of that!

Well, there's something you don't see every day...

Next, more groovy Halloween themed audio with a video of dancing skeletons wearing fez hats. Nice! I had no idea there was a rap song about Nightmare on Elm Street which has a video starting three largely overweight men running from Freddy Krueger. Thanks (I think!) to this mixtape I now have that memory engraved in my brain…

The Monster Mash is next with a cool stop-motion video! Yay for stop-motion! The half-way mark gives us a another groovy tune with some classic 50′s animation of skeletons trying to dice up a little dog (or something like that). Next is a horribly cheesy and embarrassing music video from the 80′s, fluffy man hair and gay dance moves aplenty.

Much kudos goes to Skeleton Farm for including some Groovy Ghoulies in here too, it’s not the cartoon’s intro, but it reminded me of my Saturday morning cartoon marathons. Another reminder was just how disco Alice Cooper sounded at times. He’s Back (The Man Behind The Mask)… I remembered it as such a cool song, but the Halloween Horrorshow has reminded me that it is in fact incredibly non-rock/metal sounding. Shame… but it does have some cool shots of Jason.

The last five minutes is a gore-a-thon and ends with a clip of Vincent Price making a simple poem sound creepy as hell, as only he can.

Halloween Horrorshow is top notch stuff. It has good quality videos, groovy Halloween sounds, it’s free and even comes with free DVD covers for you to print out! Yay!

It’s the perfect background audio/video for your Halloween party 2010.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

I’d love to post a link to the torrent, but I couldn’t possibly go… http://tracker.zaerc.com/torrents-details.php?id=15138 OOPS! how did that happen?…

The original Piranha movie was hardly an Oscar contender so I really wasn’t expecting much from this or it’s 3D

*WOOT! WOOT! RANT ALERT, RANT ALERT

Dear Hollywood,

I appreciate that your films are making less and less money, even though you spend more and more on them, and need gimmicks now more than ever but would you just FUCK OFF with the 3D? It’s a pain in the ass and not new, there’s been ’3D’ films since the 50′s now dump the 3D and get some decent script writers maybe then people will watch your films.

Yours (downloading) faithfully,
Ronnie

So, I expect you want a plot synopsis then? OK, if you must:  Every year the population of sleepy Lake Victoria explodes from 5,000 to 50,000 for Spring Break, a riot of sun and drunken fun. But this year, there’s something more to worry about than hangovers and complaints from local old timers; a new type of terror is about to be cut loose on Lake Victoria. After a sudden underwater tremor sets free scores of the prehistoric man-eating fish, an unlikely group of strangers must band together to stop themselves from becoming fish food for the areas new razor-toothed residents. (IMDb.com)

First things first, you can sleep for the first 30mins of the film, nothing to see here. It’s all students-gone-wild and boring character introduction. Only after the 30min mark do you see any piranha. But, while waiting for the piranha you can always admire the boobage. Yes, there’s plenty of racks on display here! 40mins in is the first decent kill with gore. Some chick with big hooters and a parachute is being dragged behind a boat but, unfortunately for her, she ends up in the water and the next time she lifts up in to the sky… well, let’s just say that there’s a fair bit less of her to lift. The highlight of the film is at the 50min mark where the highly annoying students are told to leave the water, and the area, but no… they all continue to party and dive in to the water. And thank God they do. There’s a massacre, and it is good. One chick is hit by a high tension wire which slices through her diagonally, one selfish dude grabs a speedboat to make a get away. Not only is he mowing people down left right and center but his engine gets snagged. Snagged on some chick hair. When the propellers start up it rips her entire face off. Nice! There’s also a nice piranha-eating-its-way-out of a chick. The next scene of note is the bad-ass sheriff who slices and dices a few piranha with a speedboat motor. After the one hour mark though it’s all down hill again. I think there’s one gore scene for the next half hour then the crappy ending.

I expected worse, there is a good 30mins of blood, gore and action, but with 30mins on either side of it, it could have been planned out a bit better. The gore was pretty good and there were plenty of boobs so I’m giving it…

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fK2bBfuepKk

Srpski film, aka: A Serbian Film (2010)

I’ve reviewed some sick and harsh films over the years (eg: Martyrs, Ebola Syndrome, The Human Centipede etc.) but this one takes the biscuit. In fact, it eats the entire packet and spits the crumbs in my face!

Srpski Film (aka: A Serbian Film) goes places no film should go. Yes, I’ll be hyping this film up and not giving away too many scenes, but where I do explain an OTT scene, I’ll cover it with a spoiler tag. The reason being that you should see this film without knowing the main scenes that make it surely THE most outrageous film ever.

The story: Milos is a former porn star who is down on his luck financially. When he receives a call from his long-time movie actress partner, Layla, he welcomes her call. Apparently she’s heard that a new film director wants to hire Milos to star in his “artistically-designed” porn film for a very generous price. He is easily lured form his semi-retirement by the lucrative offer, agreeing to meet the director in an isolated mansion. As the filming progresses, Milo begins to suspect that the director’s intentions may be darker than mere pornography. As the film begins to devolve into a horrifically violent production, Milos finds escape may not be an option. (IMDb.com)

Sounds like your average torture-porn film, and it does seem like that initially. About one-third of the way in we see some rough (soft-core) porn, all movements and no penises (thankfully!) with some slapping. No big deal for us veterans of extreme horror. The half-way mark is when it all goes haywire. Y’see, poor Milos has no idea what this film he’s starring in is all about, it’s when the director shows him a clip that you realise that this is some sick stuff:

It's not what you're thinking... it's much MUCH worse!

Whatever you’re thinking probably isn’t what happens. If you really want to know, click the SPOILER link below to find out, but I urge you to watch the film and see for yourself.

Show Spoiler ▼

Poor Milos storms out of the showing and heads off in his car. But a hot chick approaches his car and he can’t keep his hands off her. Next thing you know he’s waking up, in bed, covered in cuts, bruises and blood. Oh dear!

She's cuffed to the bed, he has a machete and there's rigor mortis involved. Uh oh!

Now Milos has to piece together what has happened to him. This is shown in a series of flashbacks. As we head towards the end of the film the director has filming Milos in increasingly depraved situations. The main crux of those I shant reveal, you’ll have to watch the movie for them, but needless to say, you’ll either be sitting back, mouth open, saying ‘what the FUCK?!’, or looking away in disgust. One scene in particular which I certainly wasn’t expecting was one involving Milos and one of the directors heavies.

Show Spoiler ▼

And if you think you’re going to get a happy ending, think again. That’s all I’m saying.

Like I said, I thought I’d seen it all, then this ‘thing’ turns up. I’m kinda stuck on rating this one, as if I give it a high rating then I’m saying that I enjoyed what I saw, and I didn’t really! Hours after having watched it, I still couldn’t shake off some of those scenes. But, by giving it a low mark, I’d be dismissing what is, for all intents and purposes a well made and well thought out film. The story is good, it has some good twists, and it’s technically good. So, my score is based on a rating of one being nothing special, to five, with five being outrageous sickness…

Rating: 5 out of 5 stars

Don’t expect to see this film uncut on any shelves!

Trailer:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0zPbwuKANU

Right, this is getting ridiculous. IMDb doesn’t even have a synopsis for this epic battle movie. Mr Corman, you’re really making me work here, and I’m not happy about it!

So *ahem* the movie is about a hot MILF in the middle of nowhere who is some sort of scientist on some island somewhere. They use some sort of growth ‘stuff’ (am I getting to technical?) to create a gigantic crocodile and an equally large alligator. And lo, Dinocroc and Supergator were born. Then escaped. But, more importantly, the hot MILF is none other than Delia Sheppard, Penthouse Pet from April 1988

Hot MILF scientist who seems to have Dinocroc and Supergator fighting under her hospital gown...

Hot MILF scientist while going through college...

I’m not even going to continue with a synopsis. Basically, two monsters rampage through a jungle, eating folk. The only way to kill them is to pit them against one another. Wait, haven’t I heard of something like this before?

This is, as you’d expect, this is a Syfy Channel exclusive. In other words: no one else would touch this with a ten foot barge pole. The only good thing going for this film is that the ‘stars’ of the movie make a quick appearance and are continually seen eating people.

The two creatures are, unfortunately, CGI but even for having zero budget they’re pretty well done. Not exactly Jurassic Park but, hey, waddya expect. Speaking of Jurassic Park, it would seem the sound men have done some *ahem* ‘liberal borrowing’ of sounds from said movie. Oh, and scenes. Big jeep pursued by one large reptilian beast. Coincidence? I think not.

The movie also features David Carradine in one of his last performances. His last performance being somewhat kinky and eventually snuffing him. So, it seems that if you’re famous your last movies are always your worst, so that you don’t go out with a bang.

There is some gore in the movie, but it’s all CGI’d and done pretty badly:

In the end, all women in this movie strip to a bikini then die. No bad thing...

… but, hey, what can one expect from a Syfy original movie.

All the deaths are your usual ‘oh I’ll just stand here by the water here and get gulped’ or ‘I’ll just stand here, cover my face with my hands, and wait for the inevitable’.

All in all, not impressed. At least it didn’t take its self seriously, which is just as well really. It was OK, but it didn’t quite beat Megashark vs Giant Octopus for all out bizarreness…

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

[

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RM0-WLbvaw8

Mahakaal (1993)

‘Plot’: A demon torments the family and friends of Anita in order to take revenge on his death, which was caused by her police-officer father. The rest of the movie is how Anita tackles the demon with the help of her boyfriend. (from IMDb)

Ronnie (back story): Whilst watching a documentary on A Nightmare on Elm Street they showed a brief clip from, and mentioned, a Bollywood rip-off version called Mahakall. This just had to be tracked down and viewed. The results are shown below…

See? It's legit, they have a certificate to prove it...

Translators, you see what happens when you miss out even just a simple word?...

Spot the real Michael Jackson...

Ronnie: DEFINITELY a capture of his face talking about something meaty!!

Gayer than a screaming pink gay thing...

Ronnie: Although the ‘Nancy’ of the film has nice boobs

Ronnie: yeah, maybe using old film stock is part of the budget?

Ronnie: by the way, just you mentioning the 80′s look, this is a DVD rip

Ronnie: Nice one

Gratuitous shot of some awesome knockers

Ronnie: Yeah, but I’m focused on the chick with the big hooters and her white t-shirt

Ronnie: I recognise those two in the white t-shirt

I'm sniggering on the assumption that there's a missing 'g' in those subtitles...

Creepy dude is... creepy!

Ronnie: I’m seeing elements of every Hollywood film in the past twenty years!

Ronnie: yeah, look at those dresses

Ronnie: As the dude got arrested, MJ-man was picking his nose and wiped it on the bully guys t-shirt

Ronnie: Quite possibly!

Ronnie: Jesus… it’s only at the half way mark!

Ronnie: yeah

Ronnie: +1 to me!

Ronnie: indeed… elementary my dear Watson

Ronnie: You can’t deny its awesomeness so far

A miniature Freddy bursting from his belly would have saved this film... but, no... nothing.

Ronnie: That’s it, all problems are solved with a bottle of Scottish Johnny Walker whisky

Ronnie: WHOA, special effects!

Y M C A! Y M C A!...

Ronnie: are we taking bets on how it ends?

Ronnie: aw c’mon, ya can’t say it’s not had its moments

Ronnie: I’m giving it a positive rating for it’s bizarreness

Ronnie: I’m glad I did

Ronnie: And I know you’re glad I did too

Indi-Freddy from Nightmare on Mullet Street

Ronnie: Oh, wait, didn’t I tell you this is only the first half of the movie?

Ronnie: Yep

Ronnie: oh no, they stole the music too, remember?

Ronnie: I’m giving it, initially, a 3, but I’m lowering to 2.5 since we never did get to see those boobies

Alex’s Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars

Ronnie’s Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Frog-g-g! (2004)

I expected nothing but bad acting from this film, but within the first four minutes, I was willing to keep watching.

Why?

Because the two main characters are a couple of lesbians. Kinda hot ones at that.

Anyway, I suppose I should start off with the ‘plot’. I’m too lazy to write my own, so I’ll steal it from IMDb.com:

Chemical waste seeps into a small town’s water supply, causing the birth of a mutant FROG-G-G which is instinctively driven to mate with its genetic match – human women. Sexy EPA super-agent Dr Barbara Michaels tracks the Frog-g-g’s every move, fighting off corrupt good-ol’-boy politicians and drunken rednecks at every turn. No one in town believes her, or the evidence, until the shocking climax when the Frog-g-g is finally brought to justice… or IS it…?

So, that’s the plot. Like I was watching it for it’s riveting turn of events? Hell no, I was watching it for:

Boobies within the four minute mark is a good sign as far as I'm concerned!

Yay for the under represented!

After the boobs, we see the corrupt plant owner forcing employees to bury toxic waste in the middle of butt-fuck-nowhere.  Right after that we learn that one of the dykes (her on the left in the photo above) is in town and investigating some eco-whatsitsface.  After speaking to some old inbred man she’s shown what may, or may not, be a mutation:

uh, yeah, there's something not quite right with that frog...

This needs some serious testing! So it’s off to her lab for a good frog dissection. After that she’s almost attacked so now she must head for the shower and show yet more breast. Yay! Then it’s off to visit the Sheriff who is in cahoots with the plant owner! (boo-hiss!) But fear not, for our eco-dyke has evidence against the plant owner to show that giant mutations are taking place.

After a car crash our Frog-g-g makes an appearance. Mainly by raping some random chick:

Just repeat to yourself: it's a man in a suit, it's a man in a suit...

So, uh, yeah… some other stuff happens and then cums the second attack of the humping frog-g-g:

Uh, no, wait - that's not the attack, that's a completely unnecessary shot of some cheerleaders. Go fit-chicks!

Then, after some other stuff eco-dyke tracks down the Frog-g-g and distracts him with some fine humanoid flesh:

you wanna piece a' me? FUUUUCCCKKK MEEEEEEEE!!!! (no, seriously, that's the dialogue to go with this photo)

then whacks him in the nuts with a tyre iron.

And that’s about it. The plot is corny as hell, the acting actually isn’t bad, effects are lame but it did have plenty of boobage, so I kinda liked it! It’s a great movie to watch for boobs, brief clips of cheerleaders and general no-brain action.

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

Zombi 3 (1988) Lucio Fulci

‘Plot’: When a terrorist’s body, infected with a stolen chemical, is recovered by the US military, the corpse is cremated, unintentionally releasing the virus/bacteria into the atmosphere over a small island. Soon the infected populace mutate into flesh-hungry zombies, and a trio of soldiers on leave must team up with a group of tourists and board themselves up in an abandoned hotel as they try to fend off the agile and aggressive living dead. (from IMDb.com)

NOTE: this film has nothing (in story) to do with the Fulci classic Zombi 2 which I, Ronnie, reviewed HERE on this very site.

Alex: Important factoid

Alex: Fulci began directing this film

Alex: but he didn’t finish it

Alex: I believe Bruno Mattei finished it

Ronnie: indeed

Erin: What are some of Mattei’s other credits?

Alex: Huzzah KNOWLEDGE

Alex: I don’t know any off the top of my head

Alex: perhaps City of the living dead?

Ronnie: I believe everything he touches turns to poo

Alex: I know he is like a poor mans Fulci

Erin: they reanimated the corpse of Yul Brynner

No ,Erin, it's NOT Yul Bryner! *tut*

Alex: and his films, at best, fall under the so bad it’s enjoyable category

Alex: awww Yul Brynner

Ronnie: good to know that the Doctors back off in to a corner rather than help the patient…

Erin: we have vomit

Alex: sing me christmas songs

Ronnie: oh, now he’s the elephant man

Erin: so whatever was in that needle was bad

Alex: it was the zombie juice

Ronnie: I dunno… looked pretty good to me…

Erin: Oh crap I can see the bottom of the head

Alex: zombie on the loose

Erin: Like where someone had their hand in the head puppet

Ronnie: is the music playing at the wrong speed??

Alex: this is synth magic

Erin: It’s kinda dragging

Erin: Definitely not 70s zombie rock

Ronnie: its like a cross between 80′s synth-pop and Phantom of the Opera

Alex: we need some Fabio Frizzi synth or Goblin up in this bitch

Alex: Maybe Tangerine Dream

Erin: it’s like they have synthesized pipe organs that crows fell into and died

Ronnie: exactly!

Ronnie: wait, they had elevators back in them days???

Erin: so, is this a real sequel?

Alex: well this film has been compared to Hitchcock’s The Birds as an equal masterpiece

Ronnie: It’s another unofficial sequel

Erin: are there gonna be zombie animals?

Ronnie: Dunno… probably not

Alex: Zombi 2 was a sequel to like Romero’s Dawn of the Dead, unofficially

Alex: Italians just throw numbers on stuff

Alex: and make pasta

Ronnie: all those shootings and no blood? Not even a squib??

Erin: the van is very Back to the Future

Ronnie: oh no, the ‘end of everything’!

Alex: 7 minutes in we should probably meet out heroes by now

Ronnie: Fulci was the hero, and even he left!

Alex: the doctor just did his best Adam West impression

Erin: I think the Dr is going to become a zombie

Ronnie: It’ll go with his acting then!

Alex: bah-zing!

Ronnie: oh no! He’s dropped his case of CD’s!

Alex: His favorite Usher album was in there! NOOOOOOO

Erin: the antidote!

Ronnie: I’m trying to figure out why he had to rip his lab-coat off…

Erin: ok, now act like you’re dancing

Alex: for the ladies

Ronnie: ahh… good ol’ bribery

Erin: any proper secret lab wouldn’t be on a resort island

Alex: …or would it?

Erin: the death one compound is far more dangerous than you imagined Alex

Erin: sweeeeeet mullet on the female

Alex: death one compound was a great hardcore thrash band

Ronnie: really?

Erin: dont open the door!

Alex: no, but someone will read this and use that as a band name

Erin: that’s a different hallway than the one he went in on

Alex: totally different

Ronnie: yay!

Alex: he is going to chop off that hand!

Alex: gore! yippee

Erin: the glass cut him to spread the virus that only lives 30 seconds in air

Alex: I just thought the same thing

Ronnie: oh no! Has he wet the bed??

Alex: even if it was in the saliva on the cup

Erin: I think he died in the bed

Alex: Rosa the maid is about to get got

Alex: I think the glass was suppose to break there

Erin: nice touch though, the mess in the bed

Ronnie: didn’t even look like glass to me

Erin: zombie finger!

Alex: in the 80′s

Alex: whichever company made those white pandemic suits

Alex: must have been filthy rich

Erin: good point

Erin: wonder why he needed the knife

Alex: bury them in a mass grave

Erin: I like the step by stpe instructions

Erin: step

Alex: uh oh, we got ZOMBIE RAIN COMING

Alex: I am pumped up

Ronnie: meh, we get that all the time here

Erin: particles of undeath

Alex: Ronnie, I didn’t know you lived inside the Return of the living Dead film

Erin: shucking and jiving!!!

Ronnie: UK/zombies… same thing

Ronnie: look LP’s!

Erin: finally some zombie chow

Alex: our heroes…21 minutes in

Ronnie: the music is making him horny??

Erin: he doesn’t remember her name, but he sure as hell remembers her tits

Alex: Priorities Erin, priorities

Alex: Kurt Russel!?!?!?!?!

Erin: susan and carol are getting worked up back there

Ronnie: an eco-doubter! Yay!

Alex: Al Gore is somewhere, frowning

Ronnie: oh no, hippies

Erin: that person driving the convertible is Renee Zellwegger pre-op

Is it Renee Zell-whats-her-face? Nah, probably not...

Alex: +1 to Erin

Ronnie: +10 for observation

Erin: zomg

Alex: BIRD ATTACK

Erin: zombie birds, this is new

Ronnie: please, someone kill the radio DJ!

Alex: this movie is officially encroaching on greatness

Erin: I hope the soldiers dance and snap their fingers some more

Ronnie: indoor bird attack!

Alex: They have all banged each other just before hopping in there jeep

Erin: we better take her to the motel! not the hospital!

Ronnie: the best thing to do with the injured is to take her to a hotel?!

Alex: what is with the soft blur sunlight in every shot

Alex: the DEATH ONE hotel

Erin: Mattei got Vaseline on the lens while he was jerking off Fulci

Ronnie: they soft focus is defecto standard in those cameras, same ones they use in soft-core porn

Alex: creeper-through-the-window pov vision brought to you by Death One

Alex: Ronnie, do you have us watching zombie porn

Ronnie: DAMMIT! How did you find out??!

Erin: watch out for the cans honey

Ronnie: Just kidding… but I can get us some if you want…

Alex: please no

The highly over-reacting, bad acting, Doctor who, I may say, looks just like:

Linus Torvalds, creator of the Linux kernel.

Erin: aw, it’s a pet zombie

Ronnie: zombie grope!

Alex: I am going to download the soundtrack for this film

Alex: fucking ninja zombie!

Ronnie: aggressive zombie!

Ronnie: wait a minute… why were the zombies waiting in ambush??

Alex: pedo zomies

Ronnie: ka-BOOOOOMMMM!!!!!

Erin: it was kept there on a chain

Ronnie: ‘don’t worry’? They guys lying dying while she’s faffing about with zombies!!

Erin: if she had ever seen one of these movies she would have thrown her friend in the fire

Erin: I wanna put that doctor in a movie

Alex: I want to make an animated gif showcasing his overacting

Ronnie: either my sound is out, or there is some reeeeally bad dubbing

Alex: the dubbing is atrocious

Ronnie: all that pointing was a tad unnecessary

Alex: it was mentioned in my Fulci book

Alex: there is like page upon page of how shitty this flick is

Ronnie: I’ve seen worse…

Alex: do we have nubile youth prime for murdering?

Erin: I don’t get it. A minute ago they were in a town, and now they’re in the middle of nowhere

Erin: Where are they supposed to be?

Erin: I can’t believe the birds only bit one of them

Ronnie: they were supposed to be in some holiday spot, now they seem to be in a deserted jungle motel

Alex: Alabama I think

Erin: nope, too many shirts

Alex: oh snaps

Ronnie: The sound levels are all over the place too… I have to keep turning the sound up and down to hear their bad acting

Alex: maybe Vermont

Alex: oh I didn’t tell you Ronnie?

Ronnie: can’t be the UK, it hasn’t rained yet

Alex: I watch these movies on mute.

Erin: really?

Alex: no, but if it had subtitles I’d be considering it

Erin: but then you miss out on the fun of the dialogue

Alex: he kicked the shit out of that door

Ronnie: whats with the shredded material on the roof?

Alex: it’s true and this movie lives and dies by it’s dialogue mastery

Erin: yes, I’d like to reserve the room with the drapes coming down from the entire ceiling

Alex: skin

Erin: not just the windows for me and my drapes

Ronnie: womens under-garments?

Alex: this movie is made for me

Alex: a CRATE FULL OF GUNS

Alex: fuck yes

Ronnie: a motel that happens to have a ton of guns outside it??

Alex: it was in the basement

Ronnie: Alex, this motel MUST be in your neighbourhood

Alex: just a crate full of guns

Erin: okay everyone make sure you lean in close so you can get hit when the pustules on her face bust

Alex: alright we this house is suitable for a siege/defense scene

Ronnie: oh, I don’t know if they’ll have the budget for that

Alex: they must

Erin: what a time to try to lock down a new girlfriend

Ronnie: phone speaker below the chin??

Alex: I wouldn’t be locking down a new gf, just locking her down

Alex: : wink wink :

Erin: oh, so he’s saying what needs to be said

Ronnie: that’s enough of your kinky antics Mr. Alex!

Erin: man, the focus is getting worse

Erin: and don’t go to the gas station for water

Alex: this soft glow of everything is really bugging me out

Alex: It’s like I’m watching it through a fogged up window on a really sunny day

Alex: please kill this lady

Erin: hey zombies. here I am, and I’m helpless, hello!

Ronnie: it’s probably steam on the camera lens

Ronnie: no, really… as I remember reading the weather was ONE reason Fulci left

The whole movie has that soft-focus, steamed up look, it's a pain in the ASS!

Alex: I also have a nudity requirement in my contract Mr. Zombies so if you could pull my clothes off while eating me that would be for the best!

Erin: starting with my ugly pants

Alex: and my ridiculous high tops

Alex: best zombie foot makeup in history

Alex: those feet we GNARLY

Erin: damn, look at those zombies toenails!

Ronnie: part zombie, part werewolf

Alex: part lady gaga

Alex: that zombie looked a bit tranny

Ronnie: wet t-shirts! YAAYY!

Alex: VICTORY!

Alex: are they in a hot tub?

Ronnie: shame she squeals like a balloon

Alex: why is it bubbling

Erin: hot springs

Alex: oooooooooooh

Erin: or nuclear waste

Alex: SHE’S GOT NO LEGS

Alex: THAT WAS COOL

Ronnie: fastest zombie transformation EVER!

Erin: he must be one too now

Ronnie: more ambushing zombies!

Alex: they have tactics now

Erin: I’m still shocked by what happened to the chick

Ronnie: it would seem so

Alex: and how awesome it was?

Erin: yeah

Ronnie: nice Michael Jackson impersonation on that zombie there

Alex: was it raping a child?

Alex: did I miss that part?

Ronnie: no no, just the movements, not the reputation

Alex: oh thank goodness

Erin: kill the DJ!

Ronnie: +100 on that…

Alex: I’d buy that death scene for a dollar

Ronnie: ninja zombie!

Erin: I wish a zombie would pick up a gun!

Alex: I am surprised it hasn’t happened yet

Ronnie: how come the zombies are dying when they’re not even shot in the head??

Alex: shhhhhh

Alex: don’t ruin this for me ronnie

Ronnie: oh, sorry

Ronnie: is she still not dead yet?

Erin: results may vary

Ronnie: FFAAACCKK!!!! Not him again!

Ronnie: WHY can’t the zombies attack the DJ!

Erin: he ain’t no Stevie Wayne

Ronnie: Stevie Wonder more like

Erin: *snicker*

Erin: flying head!

Alex: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs

Alex: FLYING SEVERED ZOMBIE HEAD!

Ronnie: flying zombie head WIN!

Erin: oh wow, thirsty for blood

Alex: I’m feeling better Patricia. But I’m thirsty…for your BLOOD!

Ronnie: ‘ruuuunnn! Get awaaayyy!!’

Erin: I never heard a zombie do a one-liner before

Alex: have you ever seen Zombie Mortal Kombat like this?

Ronnie: FINISH HIM!

Erin: oh that SUCKS!

Alex: FATALITY

Erin: jump

Ronnie: This film is pretty awesomely bad

Alex: yeah it is

Alex: I am preparing to give it an unprecedented score

Erin: I can’t believe I’m still trying to follow it

Ronnie: yeah, I think you missed a bit of blusher there love…

Erin: who in the hell are these people?

Ronnie: I have NO idea…

Alex: the dudes and dudettes who found the crate of guns

Ronnie: Nice!

Alex: the “siege” house

Erin: how did the fall kill her?

Alex: that was a great jump and fall out the window

Ronnie: Shh! I said that a while back about the zombies

Alex: she hit her groin region on the way out

Alex: the 3 and 1/2 foot fall is deadly to tropical island zombies

Ronnie: she’s just concussed…

Alex: Nancy is pregnant with zombie baby

Ronnie: now THAT would be awesome!

Alex: Next week, I have the movie we outta watch

Ronnie: oh? Do tell!

Alex: it involves a scene with a pregnant lady and a zombie

Alex: and an impromptu abortion

Ronnie: I’m in!

Alex: Erin?

Erin: hmmm… maybe

Alex: I think Erin has finally blacked out

Ronnie: I think Erin has passed out…

Ronnie: snap!

Alex: Zombie Siege Time!!!!

Ronnie: Attack of the Zombie Squatters!

Ronnie: They’ll take your home!

Erin: your lattices will not save you

Erin: sweet gun

Alex: FLAMETHROWER YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

Ya can't beat a good bit of flame-thrower action...

Ronnie: giant flame, but it only got two of them??!

Alex: I haven’t seen a good old fashioned flamethrower in a while

Erin: looks like a meat orgy

Ronnie: yeah, can’t go wrong with a flame thrower. Very popular in the 80′s they were

Alex: remember that meat orgy we went to Erin?

Ronnie: Why not just wait until they feast then torch the lot of them?

Ronnie: head-shot!

Alex: good exploding face

Erin: yeah, Ronnie, their friend fell down and got eaten so they could get away and they wasted the opportunity

Ronnie: another ninja!

Ronnie: Jesus Christ

Erin: nurse nancy with the knife!

Alex: this movie

Alex: is

Alex: fucking GREAT

Ronnie: Hang on, WAIT A MINUTE

Ronnie: seven shots to the chest kills him, but a stake through the throat is ok?

Alex: hold the phone ronald

Alex: because

Alex: Italy man

Alex: go with the flow of Lu-CI-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Erin: there’s so much jumping down from the ceiling I keep thinking I

Erin: I’m watching a Hong Kong movie

Ronnie: I reckon Fulci did the gore bits, the rest is what-his-face

Alex: Bruno Mattei I believe

Ronnie: yeah, him

Ronnie: so they’re trailing a zombie WITH them… bizarre

Ronnie: yeah, look up… might be more ninja zombies

Ronnie: a zombie in the roof??!!

Alex: spider zombie

Zombies hiding in the roof? Oh dear...

Ronnie: and what’s an Ihaw haw Kiosk?

Erin: lol I was wondering too

Erin: Damn, I was hoping that head would bust open

Ronnie: I was hoping for a decap there

Ronnie: why are there black vertical bars down the screen all of a sudden?

Alex: I thought this was HD

Erin: I hope we get to see the military commander get eaten

Alex: I’m counting on it

Ronnie: I demand it!

Ronnie: Disinfecting with bullets

Alex: decontamination squads? more like decapitation squad!

Erin: great propaganda

Ronnie: OK so… the only NON-zombie left in the entire town is the DJ

Alex: This is all somehow Obama’s fault

Erin: of course

Ronnie: Was he maybe born in this town?

Ronnie: WAIT!

Ronnie: It’s DJ Obama!

Alex: no WHITE MAN would ever let zombies run free in a tropical paradise such as…the unnamed one we are on

Alex: IT IS DJ OBAMA

Erin: as if we knew where Obama was born, that’s a good one

Ronnie: oh no, is he gonna pump that chicken??!!!

Erin: choke that chicken, son!

Alex: he choked a bullet

Erin: I told you the Asians were behind this

Alex: when are they not?

Ronnie: the sneaky buggers

Alex: and their cheap labor

Alex: and high quality electronics

Erin: ok guys got to go, I got a phone call

Ronnie: aww… but you’ll miss the big finale!

Alex: oh no!

Erin: I know, but I’ll post a reaction

Ronnie: That doctor puts in a fine Hitler performance

Alex: yes he does

Alex: so what are you think for our finale

Alex: big shootout, maybe an explosion

Alex: zombies the world over?

Ronnie: Virus will appear elsewhere…

Alex: yay!

Alex: you know there is a Zombi 4 and 5

Ronnie: either via the atmosphere, or an escapee

Ronnie: really?!

Ronnie: oh no!

Alex: yes sir

Alex: we should probably….

Alex: PREGNANT LADY WITH ZOMBIE

Ronnie: SWEET JESUS!

Alex: called it!

Ronnie: Zombie baby! PLEEEEEASE!

Alex: it has to happen

Ronnie: did she just shout on Kenny Rodgers?

Alex: the guys with the guns who are good

Alex: are named Kenny and Roger

Alex: which is HILARIOUS

Alex: together they are…KENNY ROGERS

Ronnie: oh the irony… Kenny Rogers save the day

Ronnie: he just punched a guy who is wearing a gas mask…

Alex: zombie baby zombie baby zombie baby??!?!?!?!?

Alex: ZOMBIE BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ronnie: attacked by a zombie baby while it’s still in the womb!

Alex: brilliant

Ronnie: Erin missed the best bit….

Alex: she really did

Alex: this movie ramped it up something fierce

Ronnie: I reckon Fulci had to be behind the zombie-baby attack

Alex: that totally seems like a Fulci thing to have happen

Alex: I concur

Ronnie: Zombi2 was awesome, and this aint bad at all. Slow starter though…

Alex: yeah Zombi 2 is one of my all-time Zombie favs

Alex: WHOA they could afford to blow up a house

Ronnie: ka BOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!

Ronnie: shame it did bugger all

Alex: underground hiding zombies!!!

Ronnie: camo-zombies!!

Alex: man these zombies are friggin’ smart

Ronnie: definitely!

Alex: did they just kinda steal a scene from Platoon?

Ronnie: I think so…

Alex: excellent

Ronnie: possibly pre-Platoon though… not sure

Alex: zombie DJ

Alex: CALLED IT

Ronnie: oh dear…

Ronnie: WHAT?!

Alex: 10 stars

Ronnie: What a pants ending!

Ronnie: -1 for the crap end

Alex: ok 9 stars

Ronnie: OK OK, I’ll be generous to it, it was fun. I’m giving it 4.5

Alex: I’m giving it a 3.5

Alex: it was silly fun

Alex: in the best way possible

Ronnie: really?

Ronnie: zombie baby, explosions…

Ronnie: although no boobs…

Alex: alright maybe a 4

Alex: you’re right, back down to 3.5

Alex: I’m holding steady at 3.5

Alex: locked in

Ronnie: You’re right, I’m being a tad harsh… 4 and not a point more

—-

Ronnie’s Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Alex’s Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Erin’s Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

—-

Trailer:

Easter Bunny Kill! Kill!

Easter Bunny Kill! Kill!

Plot: Remington, a murderous grifter cons his way into a mother’s heart, putting on a fatherly facade to her cherished son, Nicholas. But the second she leaves for work, a torrid of abuse rains upon the gentle boy. Remington heads out for some hookers and invites his dilettante-child molester-drug-dealer buddy over to abuse Nicholas. In the meantime, the only comfort the boy gets is in confiding with his new pet bunny. Debauchery is at hand and someone wearing the mask of the beloved holiday hopper shows up ready to deliver a blood-splattered night of unspeakable carnage. (from IMDb.com)

The MILF and the 'tard

Ronnie: I’m sorry, but I just keep looking at her cleavage

Ronnie: ‘how retarded is he?’

Ronnie:

Ronnie: ‘that’d be SOOOOPER!’

I want to be sick where she's working!

Alex: do you guys still have those?

Ronnie: nah, phased out last year

Ronnie: dial-up? Phased out? Why?

Well, there's something you don't see every day, a 'tard in bunny ears dancing to a gramophone record...

Ronnie: he’s gonna skullfuck the rabbit?

Ronnie: oh… is that all?

Jesus, the guy's sweating like a paedoph... Oh, wait, he IS a paedophile...

Ronnie: Si Senor

Ronnie: no, you’re right!

Ronnie: ha ha… oh dear, no paper

Alex:

Ronnie: yeah, took a while, but it’s picking up now

Ronnie: deep throat?

Today's lesson: hookers like rabbits

Ronnie: I like how the rabbit isn’t giving two rabbit-y shits about the murder

Ronnie: dear oh dear… you drive a hard bargain

Ronnie’s Rating: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Alex’s Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Trailer:

The Crazies (1973)

George Romero will, forever, be remembered as the Godfather of zombie movies but he has done other non-zombie stuff, and The Crazies is one of them.

The plot is quite simple:

A biological weapon gone awry is only the start of problems in the little town of Evan’s City, Pennsylvania. Bouts of insanity in the populace are leading to murder and rioting, until the US Army turns up – and things really start going to hell. (IMDb.com)

The plot has two main themes running through it which intertwine, one is the army trying to contain the infection, with the other being the citizens trying to stay alive. Several  folks are on the run from the army, a resistance movement if you will, which consists of one man, his pregnant other half, his friend and a father and daughter.

With most of Romero’s movies it can be read in several ways, I see it as a movie which shows that when the army comes in, it just makes things ten times worse, that and the fact that they’ve no respect for human life as several times the ‘head honchos’ speak of ‘dropping the bomb’ on the village and calling it an accident, all this is to cover up the situation and to wipe out the virus. So, I think it’s a bit of an anti-army movie, which I do have to agree with.

There’s not much gore in the movie, there are several (tame) head shots, stabbings and what-not, but nothing to write home about. Not even any boobs, well, unless you count one behind-and-slightly-to-the-side shot, which I don’t. What did tickle my fancy with this movie is that because the people are driven crazy by the virus several dark humour scenes arise. My favourite being the ‘sweeper’, as I’ll call her, which is while a mass revolt is happening, one woman, with a broom, is out sweeping the lawn. Yes, sweeping the lawn…

Whilst a small rebellion is taking place, she want's to sweep the lawn! Typical woman, tch!

But the best character has to be Dr. Brookmyer who is continually pissed off and has about a three second fuse on his patience. Also, most of the people in the movie were never in many other movies, if any at all! But, hey, I suppose that’s what you’ve got to do when you want to come in under budget. In saying that… even if any of the troops were well known you never see their faces, there’s more gas masks in this film than in Alex’s porn collection.

One thing that film excels in is wigs, that’s right, wigs. It has, quite possibly the worst collection of wigs ever committed to celluloid, here’s a couple of examples:

Wig? What wig...

oh... THAT wig...

But The Crazies isn’t all that bad, story-wise that is, but it’s certainly made on the cheap, that’s quite evident, but like I said at the start with Romero films, it becomes whatever you want to make it, and I make it to be pretty good for 1973.

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

And you’ll no doubt be aware that the remake of The Crazies has, as I write this, just been released. Apparently it’s quite good… but I’ll be the judge of that. Watch this space…