There’s nothing Christian about Christmas – the strange origins of December 25th and Santa Claus

saturnalia-1Let’s be honest. There’s really bugger all Christian about Christmas. Pull up a chair and we’ll discuss the origins of the Christ’s Mass.*

OK, where does this December the 25th stuff come from? Well it seems that someone tried to calculate Jesus’ birth using some mumbo-jumbo about emperors and what-not. This ended up being poppycock due to it meaning that Jesus was born in the time of Augustus. The Bible explicitly states that it’s Herod who’s in power. So that’s that idea out the window. Really, it’s all guess work. Various scholars have chosen almost every month of the year as a possible birthday for Jesus, so let’s just move along and admit that we’ve not a clue when he was popped out.

One theory about why it was December 25th is from the Roman Pagan’s who had a friggin awesome party in the week leading up to the 25th which they called Saturnalia. From the 17th-25th of December the courts were closed, the place was lawless, and you could do whatever the fuck you wanted. Par-tay! Well, not for one person who was chosen to be the enemy of the state and, on the final day, got butchered. Oh dear.

When Christianity barged its way in it promised the people they could keep their Saturnalia, but only if they did it as Christians and celebrated the birth of Jesus on the last day. I’d assume they’d also tell them to keep the murdering, pillaging, raping and naked sing-song (which is where you get your carol singing from) to a minimum.

Saint Nicholas was a real Bishop who was instrumental in the creation of the New Testament, but wasn’t important enough to be a Saint until the 19th century. Old Nick spawned a bit of a cult following and spread north until he was adopted by the Germanic and Norse people who merged him with their old-man-with-a-white-beard-riding-a-flying-horse figure, Woden.┬áThe Catholic church merged that in with the Saint Nicholas cult sprinkled in the Dutch name of Saint Nicolas (Santa Claus) and voila! Robert’s your mothers brother.

So what of this flying reindeer thing? This can be partly explained by going north to the more icy regions such as Greenland where the pine tree (aka: Christmas tree) is rather abundant. As are reindeer. But not flying ones. The reindeer snuffle through the snow seeking out food and, under the pine trees come across some rather yummy mushrooms. Mushrooms that are, to us but not them, a hallucinogenic. Imagine a Greenlander dressed in red and white, high as a fucking kite, who thinks he’s flying, and delivering presents. That’s one theory for Santa. He’s a representation of a stoned shaman. Coincidence that Santa, maybe even your gift wrapping, is also red and white? Maybe.

Needless to say, Puritans the world over do not acknowledge Christmas nor should Christians. That’s 0.01% of the Christian population accounted for then.

 

* this article has absolutely no scientific guarantees what so ever.

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About Ronnie

Having survived the UK's 'video nasty' (prohibition) era I'm eager to catch up with all previously unseen sleaze and filth. I revel in mixtape oddness, boobage, gore, and proper latex special effects, don't get me started on CGI... - email Ronnie
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