‘Plot’: When a terrorist’s body, infected with a stolen chemical, is recovered by the US military, the corpse is cremated, unintentionally releasing the virus/bacteria into the atmosphere over a small island. Soon the infected populace mutate into flesh-hungry zombies, and a trio of soldiers on leave must team up with a group of tourists and board themselves up in an abandoned hotel as they try to fend off the agile and aggressive living dead. (from IMDb.com)
Alex: Important factoid
Alex: Fulci began directing this film
Alex: but he didn’t finish it
Alex: I believe Bruno Mattei finished it
Erin: What are some of Mattei’s other credits?
Alex: Huzzah KNOWLEDGE
Alex: I don’t know any off the top of my head
Alex: perhaps City of the living dead?
Ronnie: I believe everything he touches turns to poo
Alex: I know he is like a poor mans Fulci
Erin: they reanimated the corpse of Yul Brynner
Alex: and his films, at best, fall under the so bad it’s enjoyable category
Alex: awww Yul Brynner
Ronnie: good to know that the Doctors back off in to a corner rather than help the patient…
Erin: we have vomit
Alex: sing me christmas songs
Ronnie: oh, now he’s the elephant man
Erin: so whatever was in that needle was bad
Alex: it was the zombie juice
Ronnie: I dunno… looked pretty good to me…
Erin: Oh crap I can see the bottom of the head
Alex: zombie on the loose
Erin: Like where someone had their hand in the head puppet
Ronnie: is the music playing at the wrong speed??
Alex: this is synth magic
Erin: It’s kinda dragging
Erin: Definitely not 70s zombie rock
Ronnie: its like a cross between 80′s synth-pop and Phantom of the Opera
Alex: we need some Fabio Frizzi synth or Goblin up in this bitch
Alex: Maybe Tangerine Dream
Erin: it’s like they have synthesized pipe organs that crows fell into and died
Ronnie: wait, they had elevators back in them days???
Erin: so, is this a real sequel?
Alex: well this film has been compared to Hitchcock’s The Birds as an equal masterpiece
Ronnie: It’s another unofficial sequel
Erin: are there gonna be zombie animals?
Ronnie: Dunno… probably not
Alex: Zombi 2 was a sequel to like Romero’s Dawn of the Dead, unofficially
Alex: Italians just throw numbers on stuff
Alex: and make pasta
Ronnie: all those shootings and no blood? Not even a squib??
Erin: the van is very Back to the Future
Ronnie: oh no, the ‘end of everything’!
Alex: 7 minutes in we should probably meet out heroes by now
Ronnie: Fulci was the hero, and even he left!
Alex: the doctor just did his best Adam West impression
Erin: I think the Dr is going to become a zombie
Ronnie: It’ll go with his acting then!
Ronnie: oh no! He’s dropped his case of CD’s!
Alex: His favorite Usher album was in there! NOOOOOOO
Erin: the antidote!
Ronnie: I’m trying to figure out why he had to rip his lab-coat off…
Erin: ok, now act like you’re dancing
Alex: for the ladies
Ronnie: ahh… good ol’ bribery
Erin: any proper secret lab wouldn’t be on a resort island
Alex: …or would it?
Erin: the death one compound is far more dangerous than you imagined Alex
Erin: sweeeeeet mullet on the female
Alex: death one compound was a great hardcore thrash band
Erin: dont open the door!
Alex: no, but someone will read this and use that as a band name
Erin: that’s a different hallway than the one he went in on
Alex: totally different
Alex: he is going to chop off that hand!
Alex: gore! yippee
Erin: the glass cut him to spread the virus that only lives 30 seconds in air
Alex: I just thought the same thing
Ronnie: oh no! Has he wet the bed??
Alex: even if it was in the saliva on the cup
Erin: I think he died in the bed
Alex: Rosa the maid is about to get got
Alex: I think the glass was suppose to break there
Erin: nice touch though, the mess in the bed
Ronnie: didn’t even look like glass to me
Erin: zombie finger!
Alex: in the 80′s
Alex: whichever company made those white pandemic suits
Alex: must have been filthy rich
Erin: good point
Erin: wonder why he needed the knife
Alex: bury them in a mass grave
Erin: I like the step by stpe instructions
Alex: uh oh, we got ZOMBIE RAIN COMING
Alex: I am pumped up
Ronnie: meh, we get that all the time here
Erin: particles of undeath
Alex: Ronnie, I didn’t know you lived inside the Return of the living Dead film
Erin: shucking and jiving!!!
Ronnie: UK/zombies… same thing
Ronnie: look LP’s!
Erin: finally some zombie chow
Alex: our heroes…21 minutes in
Ronnie: the music is making him horny??
Erin: he doesn’t remember her name, but he sure as hell remembers her tits
Alex: Priorities Erin, priorities
Alex: Kurt Russel!?!?!?!?!
Erin: susan and carol are getting worked up back there
Ronnie: an eco-doubter! Yay!
Alex: Al Gore is somewhere, frowning
Ronnie: oh no, hippies
Erin: that person driving the convertible is Renee Zellwegger pre-op
Alex: +1 to Erin
Ronnie: +10 for observation
Alex: BIRD ATTACK
Erin: zombie birds, this is new
Ronnie: please, someone kill the radio DJ!
Alex: this movie is officially encroaching on greatness
Erin: I hope the soldiers dance and snap their fingers some more
Ronnie: indoor bird attack!
Alex: They have all banged each other just before hopping in there jeep
Erin: we better take her to the motel! not the hospital!
Ronnie: the best thing to do with the injured is to take her to a hotel?!
Alex: what is with the soft blur sunlight in every shot
Alex: the DEATH ONE hotel
Erin: Mattei got Vaseline on the lens while he was jerking off Fulci
Ronnie: they soft focus is defecto standard in those cameras, same ones they use in soft-core porn
Alex: creeper-through-the-window pov vision brought to you by Death One
Alex: Ronnie, do you have us watching zombie porn
Ronnie: DAMMIT! How did you find out??!
Erin: watch out for the cans honey
Ronnie: Just kidding… but I can get us some if you want…
Alex: please no
Erin: aw, it’s a pet zombie
Ronnie: zombie grope!
Alex: I am going to download the soundtrack for this film
Alex: fucking ninja zombie!
Ronnie: aggressive zombie!
Ronnie: wait a minute… why were the zombies waiting in ambush??
Alex: pedo zomies
Erin: it was kept there on a chain
Ronnie: ‘don’t worry’? They guys lying dying while she’s faffing about with zombies!!
Erin: if she had ever seen one of these movies she would have thrown her friend in the fire
Erin: I wanna put that doctor in a movie
Alex: I want to make an animated gif showcasing his overacting
Ronnie: either my sound is out, or there is some reeeeally bad dubbing
Alex: the dubbing is atrocious
Ronnie: all that pointing was a tad unnecessary
Alex: it was mentioned in my Fulci book
Alex: there is like page upon page of how shitty this flick is
Ronnie: I’ve seen worse…
Alex: do we have nubile youth prime for murdering?
Erin: I don’t get it. A minute ago they were in a town, and now they’re in the middle of nowhere
Erin: Where are they supposed to be?
Erin: I can’t believe the birds only bit one of them
Ronnie: they were supposed to be in some holiday spot, now they seem to be in a deserted jungle motel
Alex: Alabama I think
Erin: nope, too many shirts
Alex: oh snaps
Ronnie: The sound levels are all over the place too… I have to keep turning the sound up and down to hear their bad acting
Alex: maybe Vermont
Alex: oh I didn’t tell you Ronnie?
Ronnie: can’t be the UK, it hasn’t rained yet
Alex: I watch these movies on mute.
Alex: no, but if it had subtitles I’d be considering it
Erin: but then you miss out on the fun of the dialogue
Alex: he kicked the shit out of that door
Ronnie: whats with the shredded material on the roof?
Alex: it’s true and this movie lives and dies by it’s dialogue mastery
Erin: yes, I’d like to reserve the room with the drapes coming down from the entire ceiling
Erin: not just the windows for me and my drapes
Ronnie: womens under-garments?
Alex: this movie is made for me
Alex: a CRATE FULL OF GUNS
Alex: fuck yes
Ronnie: a motel that happens to have a ton of guns outside it??
Alex: it was in the basement
Ronnie: Alex, this motel MUST be in your neighbourhood
Alex: just a crate full of guns
Erin: okay everyone make sure you lean in close so you can get hit when the pustules on her face bust
Alex: alright we this house is suitable for a siege/defense scene
Ronnie: oh, I don’t know if they’ll have the budget for that
Alex: they must
Erin: what a time to try to lock down a new girlfriend
Ronnie: phone speaker below the chin??
Alex: I wouldn’t be locking down a new gf, just locking her down
Alex: : wink wink :
Erin: oh, so he’s saying what needs to be said
Ronnie: that’s enough of your kinky antics Mr. Alex!
Erin: man, the focus is getting worse
Erin: and don’t go to the gas station for water
Alex: this soft glow of everything is really bugging me out
Alex: It’s like I’m watching it through a fogged up window on a really sunny day
Alex: please kill this lady
Erin: hey zombies. here I am, and I’m helpless, hello!
Ronnie: it’s probably steam on the camera lens
Ronnie: no, really… as I remember reading the weather was ONE reason Fulci left
Alex: I also have a nudity requirement in my contract Mr. Zombies so if you could pull my clothes off while eating me that would be for the best!
Erin: starting with my ugly pants
Alex: and my ridiculous high tops
Alex: best zombie foot makeup in history
Alex: those feet we GNARLY
Erin: damn, look at those zombies toenails!
Ronnie: part zombie, part werewolf
Alex: part lady gaga
Alex: that zombie looked a bit tranny
Ronnie: wet t-shirts! YAAYY!
Alex: are they in a hot tub?
Ronnie: shame she squeals like a balloon
Alex: why is it bubbling
Erin: hot springs
Erin: or nuclear waste
Alex: SHE’S GOT NO LEGS
Alex: THAT WAS COOL
Ronnie: fastest zombie transformation EVER!
Erin: he must be one too now
Ronnie: more ambushing zombies!
Alex: they have tactics now
Erin: I’m still shocked by what happened to the chick
Ronnie: it would seem so
Alex: and how awesome it was?
Ronnie: nice Michael Jackson impersonation on that zombie there
Alex: was it raping a child?
Alex: did I miss that part?
Ronnie: no no, just the movements, not the reputation
Alex: oh thank goodness
Erin: kill the DJ!
Ronnie: +100 on that…
Alex: I’d buy that death scene for a dollar
Ronnie: ninja zombie!
Erin: I wish a zombie would pick up a gun!
Alex: I am surprised it hasn’t happened yet
Ronnie: how come the zombies are dying when they’re not even shot in the head??
Alex: don’t ruin this for me ronnie
Ronnie: oh, sorry
Ronnie: is she still not dead yet?
Erin: results may vary
Ronnie: FFAAACCKK!!!! Not him again!
Ronnie: WHY can’t the zombies attack the DJ!
Erin: he ain’t no Stevie Wayne
Ronnie: Stevie Wonder more like
Erin: flying head!
Alex: FLYING SEVERED ZOMBIE HEAD!
Ronnie: flying zombie head WIN!
Erin: oh wow, thirsty for blood
Alex: I’m feeling better Patricia. But I’m thirsty…for your BLOOD!
Ronnie: ‘ruuuunnn! Get awaaayyy!!’
Erin: I never heard a zombie do a one-liner before
Alex: have you ever seen Zombie Mortal Kombat like this?
Ronnie: FINISH HIM!
Erin: oh that SUCKS!
Ronnie: This film is pretty awesomely bad
Alex: yeah it is
Alex: I am preparing to give it an unprecedented score
Erin: I can’t believe I’m still trying to follow it
Ronnie: yeah, I think you missed a bit of blusher there love…
Erin: who in the hell are these people?
Ronnie: I have NO idea…
Alex: the dudes and dudettes who found the crate of guns
Alex: the “siege” house
Erin: how did the fall kill her?
Alex: that was a great jump and fall out the window
Ronnie: Shh! I said that a while back about the zombies
Alex: she hit her groin region on the way out
Alex: the 3 and 1/2 foot fall is deadly to tropical island zombies
Ronnie: she’s just concussed…
Alex: Nancy is pregnant with zombie baby
Ronnie: now THAT would be awesome!
Alex: Next week, I have the movie we outta watch
Ronnie: oh? Do tell!
Alex: it involves a scene with a pregnant lady and a zombie
Alex: and an impromptu abortion
Ronnie: I’m in!
Erin: hmmm… maybe
Alex: I think Erin has finally blacked out
Ronnie: I think Erin has passed out…
Alex: Zombie Siege Time!!!!
Ronnie: Attack of the Zombie Squatters!
Ronnie: They’ll take your home!
Erin: your lattices will not save you
Erin: sweet gun
Alex: FLAMETHROWER YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
Ronnie: giant flame, but it only got two of them??!
Alex: I haven’t seen a good old fashioned flamethrower in a while
Erin: looks like a meat orgy
Ronnie: yeah, can’t go wrong with a flame thrower. Very popular in the 80′s they were
Alex: remember that meat orgy we went to Erin?
Ronnie: Why not just wait until they feast then torch the lot of them?
Alex: good exploding face
Erin: yeah, Ronnie, their friend fell down and got eaten so they could get away and they wasted the opportunity
Ronnie: another ninja!
Ronnie: Jesus Christ
Erin: nurse nancy with the knife!
Alex: this movie
Alex: fucking GREAT
Ronnie: Hang on, WAIT A MINUTE
Ronnie: seven shots to the chest kills him, but a stake through the throat is ok?
Alex: hold the phone ronald
Alex: Italy man
Alex: go with the flow of Lu-CI-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Erin: there’s so much jumping down from the ceiling I keep thinking I
Erin: I’m watching a Hong Kong movie
Ronnie: I reckon Fulci did the gore bits, the rest is what-his-face
Alex: Bruno Mattei I believe
Ronnie: yeah, him
Ronnie: so they’re trailing a zombie WITH them… bizarre
Ronnie: yeah, look up… might be more ninja zombies
Ronnie: a zombie in the roof??!!
Alex: spider zombie
Ronnie: and what’s an Ihaw haw Kiosk?
Erin: lol I was wondering too
Erin: Damn, I was hoping that head would bust open
Ronnie: I was hoping for a decap there
Ronnie: why are there black vertical bars down the screen all of a sudden?
Alex: I thought this was HD
Erin: I hope we get to see the military commander get eaten
Alex: I’m counting on it
Ronnie: I demand it!
Ronnie: Disinfecting with bullets
Alex: decontamination squads? more like decapitation squad!
Erin: great propaganda
Ronnie: OK so… the only NON-zombie left in the entire town is the DJ
Alex: This is all somehow Obama’s fault
Erin: of course
Ronnie: Was he maybe born in this town?
Ronnie: It’s DJ Obama!
Alex: no WHITE MAN would ever let zombies run free in a tropical paradise such as…the unnamed one we are on
Alex: IT IS DJ OBAMA
Erin: as if we knew where Obama was born, that’s a good one
Ronnie: oh no, is he gonna pump that chicken??!!!
Erin: choke that chicken, son!
Alex: he choked a bullet
Erin: I told you the Asians were behind this
Alex: when are they not?
Ronnie: the sneaky buggers
Alex: and their cheap labor
Alex: and high quality electronics
Erin: ok guys got to go, I got a phone call
Ronnie: aww… but you’ll miss the big finale!
Alex: oh no!
Erin: I know, but I’ll post a reaction
Ronnie: That doctor puts in a fine Hitler performance
Alex: yes he does
Alex: so what are you think for our finale
Alex: big shootout, maybe an explosion
Alex: zombies the world over?
Ronnie: Virus will appear elsewhere…
Alex: you know there is a Zombi 4 and 5
Ronnie: either via the atmosphere, or an escapee
Ronnie: oh no!
Alex: yes sir
Alex: we should probably….
Alex: PREGNANT LADY WITH ZOMBIE
Ronnie: SWEET JESUS!
Alex: called it!
Ronnie: Zombie baby! PLEEEEEASE!
Alex: it has to happen
Ronnie: did she just shout on Kenny Rodgers?
Alex: the guys with the guns who are good
Alex: are named Kenny and Roger
Alex: which is HILARIOUS
Alex: together they are…KENNY ROGERS
Ronnie: oh the irony… Kenny Rogers save the day
Ronnie: he just punched a guy who is wearing a gas mask…
Alex: zombie baby zombie baby zombie baby??!?!?!?!?
Alex: ZOMBIE BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ronnie: attacked by a zombie baby while it’s still in the womb!
Ronnie: Erin missed the best bit….
Alex: she really did
Alex: this movie ramped it up something fierce
Ronnie: I reckon Fulci had to be behind the zombie-baby attack
Alex: that totally seems like a Fulci thing to have happen
Alex: I concur
Ronnie: Zombi2 was awesome, and this aint bad at all. Slow starter though…
Alex: yeah Zombi 2 is one of my all-time Zombie favs
Alex: WHOA they could afford to blow up a house
Ronnie: ka BOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!
Ronnie: shame it did bugger all
Alex: underground hiding zombies!!!
Alex: man these zombies are friggin’ smart
Alex: did they just kinda steal a scene from Platoon?
Ronnie: I think so…
Ronnie: possibly pre-Platoon though… not sure
Alex: zombie DJ
Alex: CALLED IT
Ronnie: oh dear…
Alex: 10 stars
Ronnie: What a pants ending!
Ronnie: -1 for the crap end
Alex: ok 9 stars
Ronnie: OK OK, I’ll be generous to it, it was fun. I’m giving it 4.5
Alex: I’m giving it a 3.5
Alex: it was silly fun
Alex: in the best way possible
Ronnie: zombie baby, explosions…
Ronnie: although no boobs…
Alex: alright maybe a 4
Alex: you’re right, back down to 3.5
Alex: I’m holding steady at 3.5
Alex: locked in
Ronnie: You’re right, I’m being a tad harsh… 4 and not a point more