Zombi 3 (1988) Fulci chat review madness!

‘Plot’: When a terrorist’s body, infected with a stolen chemical, is recovered by the US military, the corpse is cremated, unintentionally releasing the virus/bacteria into the atmosphere over a small island. Soon the infected populace mutate into flesh-hungry zombies, and a trio of soldiers on leave must team up with a group of tourists and board themselves up in an abandoned hotel as they try to fend off the agile and aggressive living dead. (from IMDb.com)

NOTE: this film has nothing (in story) to do with the Fulci classic Zombi 2 which I, Ronnie, reviewed HERE on this very site.

Alex: Important factoid

Alex: Fulci began directing this film

Alex: but he didn’t finish it

Alex: I believe Bruno Mattei finished it

Ronnie: indeed

Erin: What are some of Mattei’s other credits?

Alex: Huzzah KNOWLEDGE

Alex: I don’t know any off the top of my head

Alex: perhaps City of the living dead?

Ronnie: I believe everything he touches turns to poo

Alex: I know he is like a poor mans Fulci

Erin: they reanimated the corpse of Yul Brynner

Alex: and his films, at best, fall under the so bad it’s enjoyable category

Alex: awww Yul Brynner

Ronnie: good to know that the Doctors back off in to a corner rather than help the patient…

Erin: we have vomit

Alex: sing me christmas songs

Ronnie: oh, now he’s the elephant man

Erin: so whatever was in that needle was bad

Alex: it was the zombie juice

Ronnie: I dunno… looked pretty good to me…

Erin: Oh crap I can see the bottom of the head

Alex: zombie on the loose

Erin: Like where someone had their hand in the head puppet

Ronnie: is the music playing at the wrong speed??

Alex: this is synth magic

Erin: It’s kinda dragging

Erin: Definitely not 70s zombie rock

Ronnie: its like a cross between 80′s synth-pop and Phantom of the Opera

Alex: we need some Fabio Frizzi synth or Goblin up in this bitch

Alex: Maybe Tangerine Dream

Erin: it’s like they have synthesized pipe organs that crows fell into and died

Ronnie: exactly!

Ronnie: wait, they had elevators back in them days???

Erin: so, is this a real sequel?

Alex: well this film has been compared to Hitchcock’s The Birds as an equal masterpiece

Ronnie: It’s another unofficial sequel

Erin: are there gonna be zombie animals?

Ronnie: Dunno… probably not

Alex: Zombi 2 was a sequel to like Romero’s Dawn of the Dead, unofficially

Alex: Italians just throw numbers on stuff

Alex: and make pasta

Ronnie: all those shootings and no blood? Not even a squib??

Erin: the van is very Back to the Future

Ronnie: oh no, the ‘end of everything’!

Alex: 7 minutes in we should probably meet out heroes by now

Ronnie: Fulci was the hero, and even he left!

Alex: the doctor just did his best Adam West impression

Erin: I think the Dr is going to become a zombie

Ronnie: It’ll go with his acting then!

Alex: bah-zing!

Ronnie: oh no! He’s dropped his case of CD’s!

Alex: His favorite Usher album was in there! NOOOOOOO

Erin: the antidote!

Ronnie: I’m trying to figure out why he had to rip his lab-coat off…

Erin: ok, now act like you’re dancing

Alex: for the ladies

Ronnie: ahh… good ol’ bribery

Erin: any proper secret lab wouldn’t be on a resort island

Alex: …or would it?

Erin: the death one compound is far more dangerous than you imagined Alex

Erin: sweeeeeet mullet on the female

Alex: death one compound was a great hardcore thrash band

Ronnie: really?

Erin: dont open the door!

Alex: no, but someone will read this and use that as a band name

Erin: that’s a different hallway than the one he went in on

Alex: totally different

Ronnie: yay!

Alex: he is going to chop off that hand!

Alex: gore! yippee

Erin: the glass cut him to spread the virus that only lives 30 seconds in air

Alex: I just thought the same thing

Ronnie: oh no! Has he wet the bed??

Alex: even if it was in the saliva on the cup

Erin: I think he died in the bed

Alex: Rosa the maid is about to get got

Alex: I think the glass was suppose to break there

Erin: nice touch though, the mess in the bed

Ronnie: didn’t even look like glass to me

Erin: zombie finger!

Alex: in the 80′s

Alex: whichever company made those white pandemic suits

Alex: must have been filthy rich

Erin: good point

Erin: wonder why he needed the knife

Alex: bury them in a mass grave

Erin: I like the step by stpe instructions

Erin: step

Alex: uh oh, we got ZOMBIE RAIN COMING

Alex: I am pumped up

Ronnie: meh, we get that all the time here

Erin: particles of undeath

Alex: Ronnie, I didn’t know you lived inside the Return of the living Dead film

Erin: shucking and jiving!!!

Ronnie: UK/zombies… same thing

Ronnie: look LP’s!

Erin: finally some zombie chow

Alex: our heroes…21 minutes in

Ronnie: the music is making him horny??

Erin: he doesn’t remember her name, but he sure as hell remembers her tits

Alex: Priorities Erin, priorities

Alex: Kurt Russel!?!?!?!?!

Erin: susan and carol are getting worked up back there

Ronnie: an eco-doubter! Yay!

Alex: Al Gore is somewhere, frowning

Ronnie: oh no, hippies

Erin: that person driving the convertible is Renee Zellwegger pre-op

Alex: +1 to Erin

Ronnie: +10 for observation

Erin: zomg

Alex: BIRD ATTACK

Erin: zombie birds, this is new

Ronnie: please, someone kill the radio DJ!

Alex: this movie is officially encroaching on greatness

Erin: I hope the soldiers dance and snap their fingers some more

Ronnie: indoor bird attack!

Alex: They have all banged each other just before hopping in there jeep

Erin: we better take her to the motel! not the hospital!

Ronnie: the best thing to do with the injured is to take her to a hotel?!

Alex: what is with the soft blur sunlight in every shot

Alex: the DEATH ONE hotel

Erin: Mattei got Vaseline on the lens while he was jerking off Fulci

Ronnie: they soft focus is defecto standard in those cameras, same ones they use in soft-core porn

Alex: creeper-through-the-window pov vision brought to you by Death One

Alex: Ronnie, do you have us watching zombie porn

Ronnie: DAMMIT! How did you find out??!

Erin: watch out for the cans honey

Ronnie: Just kidding… but I can get us some if you want…

Alex: please no

Erin: aw, it’s a pet zombie

Ronnie: zombie grope!

Alex: I am going to download the soundtrack for this film

Alex: fucking ninja zombie!

Ronnie: aggressive zombie!

Ronnie: wait a minute… why were the zombies waiting in ambush??

Alex: pedo zomies

Ronnie: ka-BOOOOOMMMM!!!!!

Erin: it was kept there on a chain

Ronnie: ‘don’t worry’? They guys lying dying while she’s faffing about with zombies!!

Erin: if she had ever seen one of these movies she would have thrown her friend in the fire

Erin: I wanna put that doctor in a movie

Alex: I want to make an animated gif showcasing his overacting

Ronnie: either my sound is out, or there is some reeeeally bad dubbing

Alex: the dubbing is atrocious

Ronnie: all that pointing was a tad unnecessary

Alex: it was mentioned in my Fulci book

Alex: there is like page upon page of how shitty this flick is

Ronnie: I’ve seen worse…

Alex: do we have nubile youth prime for murdering?

Erin: I don’t get it. A minute ago they were in a town, and now they’re in the middle of nowhere

Erin: Where are they supposed to be?

Erin: I can’t believe the birds only bit one of them

Ronnie: they were supposed to be in some holiday spot, now they seem to be in a deserted jungle motel

Alex: Alabama I think

Erin: nope, too many shirts

Alex: oh snaps

Ronnie: The sound levels are all over the place too… I have to keep turning the sound up and down to hear their bad acting

Alex: maybe Vermont

Alex: oh I didn’t tell you Ronnie?

Ronnie: can’t be the UK, it hasn’t rained yet

Alex: I watch these movies on mute.

Erin: really?

Alex: no, but if it had subtitles I’d be considering it

Erin: but then you miss out on the fun of the dialogue

Alex: he kicked the shit out of that door

Ronnie: whats with the shredded material on the roof?

Alex: it’s true and this movie lives and dies by it’s dialogue mastery

Erin: yes, I’d like to reserve the room with the drapes coming down from the entire ceiling

Alex: skin

Erin: not just the windows for me and my drapes

Ronnie: womens under-garments?

Alex: this movie is made for me

Alex: a CRATE FULL OF GUNS

Alex: fuck yes

Ronnie: a motel that happens to have a ton of guns outside it??

Alex: it was in the basement

Ronnie: Alex, this motel MUST be in your neighbourhood

Alex: just a crate full of guns

Erin: okay everyone make sure you lean in close so you can get hit when the pustules on her face bust

Alex: alright we this house is suitable for a siege/defense scene

Ronnie: oh, I don’t know if they’ll have the budget for that

Alex: they must

Erin: what a time to try to lock down a new girlfriend

Ronnie: phone speaker below the chin??

Alex: I wouldn’t be locking down a new gf, just locking her down

Alex: : wink wink :

Erin: oh, so he’s saying what needs to be said

Ronnie: that’s enough of your kinky antics Mr. Alex!

Erin: man, the focus is getting worse

Erin: and don’t go to the gas station for water

Alex: this soft glow of everything is really bugging me out

Alex: It’s like I’m watching it through a fogged up window on a really sunny day

Alex: please kill this lady

Erin: hey zombies. here I am, and I’m helpless, hello!

Ronnie: it’s probably steam on the camera lens

Ronnie: no, really… as I remember reading the weather was ONE reason Fulci left

Alex: I also have a nudity requirement in my contract Mr. Zombies so if you could pull my clothes off while eating me that would be for the best!

Erin: starting with my ugly pants

Alex: and my ridiculous high tops

Alex: best zombie foot makeup in history

Alex: those feet we GNARLY

Erin: damn, look at those zombies toenails!

Ronnie: part zombie, part werewolf

Alex: part lady gaga

Alex: that zombie looked a bit tranny

Ronnie: wet t-shirts! YAAYY!

Alex: VICTORY!

Alex: are they in a hot tub?

Ronnie: shame she squeals like a balloon

Alex: why is it bubbling

Erin: hot springs

Alex: oooooooooooh

Erin: or nuclear waste

Alex: SHE’S GOT NO LEGS

Alex: THAT WAS COOL

Ronnie: fastest zombie transformation EVER!

Erin: he must be one too now

Ronnie: more ambushing zombies!

Alex: they have tactics now

Erin: I’m still shocked by what happened to the chick

Ronnie: it would seem so

Alex: and how awesome it was?

Erin: yeah

Ronnie: nice Michael Jackson impersonation on that zombie there

Alex: was it raping a child?

Alex: did I miss that part?

Ronnie: no no, just the movements, not the reputation

Alex: oh thank goodness

Erin: kill the DJ!

Ronnie: +100 on that…

Alex: I’d buy that death scene for a dollar

Ronnie: ninja zombie!

Erin: I wish a zombie would pick up a gun!

Alex: I am surprised it hasn’t happened yet

Ronnie: how come the zombies are dying when they’re not even shot in the head??

Alex: shhhhhh

Alex: don’t ruin this for me ronnie

Ronnie: oh, sorry

Ronnie: is she still not dead yet?

Erin: results may vary

Ronnie: FFAAACCKK!!!! Not him again!

Ronnie: WHY can’t the zombies attack the DJ!

Erin: he ain’t no Stevie Wayne

Ronnie: Stevie Wonder more like

Erin: *snicker*

Erin: flying head!

Alex: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs

Alex: FLYING SEVERED ZOMBIE HEAD!

Ronnie: flying zombie head WIN!

Erin: oh wow, thirsty for blood

Alex: I’m feeling better Patricia. But I’m thirsty…for your BLOOD!

Ronnie: ‘ruuuunnn! Get awaaayyy!!’

Erin: I never heard a zombie do a one-liner before

Alex: have you ever seen Zombie Mortal Kombat like this?

Ronnie: FINISH HIM!

Erin: oh that SUCKS!

Alex: FATALITY

Erin: jump

Ronnie: This film is pretty awesomely bad

Alex: yeah it is

Alex: I am preparing to give it an unprecedented score

Erin: I can’t believe I’m still trying to follow it

Ronnie: yeah, I think you missed a bit of blusher there love…

Erin: who in the hell are these people?

Ronnie: I have NO idea…

Alex: the dudes and dudettes who found the crate of guns

Ronnie: Nice!

Alex: the “siege” house

Erin: how did the fall kill her?

Alex: that was a great jump and fall out the window

Ronnie: Shh! I said that a while back about the zombies

Alex: she hit her groin region on the way out

Alex: the 3 and 1/2 foot fall is deadly to tropical island zombies

Ronnie: she’s just concussed…

Alex: Nancy is pregnant with zombie baby

Ronnie: now THAT would be awesome!

Alex: Next week, I have the movie we outta watch

Ronnie: oh? Do tell!

Alex: it involves a scene with a pregnant lady and a zombie

Alex: and an impromptu abortion

Ronnie: I’m in!

Alex: Erin?

Erin: hmmm… maybe

Alex: I think Erin has finally blacked out

Ronnie: I think Erin has passed out…

Ronnie: snap!

Alex: Zombie Siege Time!!!!

Ronnie: Attack of the Zombie Squatters!

Ronnie: They’ll take your home!

Erin: your lattices will not save you

Erin: sweet gun

Alex: FLAMETHROWER YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

Ronnie: giant flame, but it only got two of them??!

Alex: I haven’t seen a good old fashioned flamethrower in a while

Erin: looks like a meat orgy

Ronnie: yeah, can’t go wrong with a flame thrower. Very popular in the 80′s they were

Alex: remember that meat orgy we went to Erin?

Ronnie: Why not just wait until they feast then torch the lot of them?

Ronnie: head-shot!

Alex: good exploding face

Erin: yeah, Ronnie, their friend fell down and got eaten so they could get away and they wasted the opportunity

Ronnie: another ninja!

Ronnie: Jesus Christ

Erin: nurse nancy with the knife!

Alex: this movie

Alex: is

Alex: fucking GREAT

Ronnie: Hang on, WAIT A MINUTE

Ronnie: seven shots to the chest kills him, but a stake through the throat is ok?

Alex: hold the phone ronald

Alex: because

Alex: Italy man

Alex: go with the flow of Lu-CI-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Erin: there’s so much jumping down from the ceiling I keep thinking I

Erin: I’m watching a Hong Kong movie

Ronnie: I reckon Fulci did the gore bits, the rest is what-his-face

Alex: Bruno Mattei I believe

Ronnie: yeah, him

Ronnie: so they’re trailing a zombie WITH them… bizarre

Ronnie: yeah, look up… might be more ninja zombies

Ronnie: a zombie in the roof??!!

Alex: spider zombie

Ronnie: and what’s an Ihaw haw Kiosk?

Erin: lol I was wondering too

Erin: Damn, I was hoping that head would bust open

Ronnie: I was hoping for a decap there

Ronnie: why are there black vertical bars down the screen all of a sudden?

Alex: I thought this was HD

Erin: I hope we get to see the military commander get eaten

Alex: I’m counting on it

Ronnie: I demand it!

Ronnie: Disinfecting with bullets

Alex: decontamination squads? more like decapitation squad!

Erin: great propaganda

Ronnie: OK so… the only NON-zombie left in the entire town is the DJ

Alex: This is all somehow Obama’s fault

Erin: of course

Ronnie: Was he maybe born in this town?

Ronnie: WAIT!

Ronnie: It’s DJ Obama!

Alex: no WHITE MAN would ever let zombies run free in a tropical paradise such as…the unnamed one we are on

Alex: IT IS DJ OBAMA

Erin: as if we knew where Obama was born, that’s a good one

Ronnie: oh no, is he gonna pump that chicken??!!!

Erin: choke that chicken, son!

Alex: he choked a bullet

Erin: I told you the Asians were behind this

Alex: when are they not?

Ronnie: the sneaky buggers

Alex: and their cheap labor

Alex: and high quality electronics

Erin: ok guys got to go, I got a phone call

Ronnie: aww… but you’ll miss the big finale!

Alex: oh no!

Erin: I know, but I’ll post a reaction

Ronnie: That doctor puts in a fine Hitler performance

Alex: yes he does

Alex: so what are you think for our finale

Alex: big shootout, maybe an explosion

Alex: zombies the world over?

Ronnie: Virus will appear elsewhere…

Alex: yay!

Alex: you know there is a Zombi 4 and 5

Ronnie: either via the atmosphere, or an escapee

Ronnie: really?!

Ronnie: oh no!

Alex: yes sir

Alex: we should probably….

Alex: PREGNANT LADY WITH ZOMBIE

Ronnie: SWEET JESUS!

Alex: called it!

Ronnie: Zombie baby! PLEEEEEASE!

Alex: it has to happen

Ronnie: did she just shout on Kenny Rodgers?

Alex: the guys with the guns who are good

Alex: are named Kenny and Roger

Alex: which is HILARIOUS

Alex: together they are…KENNY ROGERS

Ronnie: oh the irony… Kenny Rogers save the day

Ronnie: he just punched a guy who is wearing a gas mask…

Alex: zombie baby zombie baby zombie baby??!?!?!?!?

Alex: ZOMBIE BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ronnie: attacked by a zombie baby while it’s still in the womb!

Alex: brilliant

Ronnie: Erin missed the best bit….

Alex: she really did

Alex: this movie ramped it up something fierce

Ronnie: I reckon Fulci had to be behind the zombie-baby attack

Alex: that totally seems like a Fulci thing to have happen

Alex: I concur

Ronnie: Zombi2 was awesome, and this aint bad at all. Slow starter though…

Alex: yeah Zombi 2 is one of my all-time Zombie favs

Alex: WHOA they could afford to blow up a house

Ronnie: ka BOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!

Ronnie: shame it did bugger all

Alex: underground hiding zombies!!!

Ronnie: camo-zombies!!

Alex: man these zombies are friggin’ smart

Ronnie: definitely!

Alex: did they just kinda steal a scene from Platoon?

Ronnie: I think so…

Alex: excellent

Ronnie: possibly pre-Platoon though… not sure

Alex: zombie DJ

Alex: CALLED IT

Ronnie: oh dear…

Ronnie: WHAT?!

Alex: 10 stars

Ronnie: What a pants ending!

Ronnie: -1 for the crap end

Alex: ok 9 stars

Ronnie: OK OK, I’ll be generous to it, it was fun. I’m giving it 4.5

Alex: I’m giving it a 3.5

Alex: it was silly fun

Alex: in the best way possible

Ronnie: really?

Ronnie: zombie baby, explosions…

Ronnie: although no boobs…

Alex: alright maybe a 4

Alex: you’re right, back down to 3.5

Alex: I’m holding steady at 3.5

Alex: locked in

Ronnie: You’re right, I’m being a tad harsh… 4 and not a point more

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Ronnie’s Rating:

Alex’s Rating:

Erin’s Rating:

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Trailer: