‘Plot’: When a terrorist’s body, infected with a stolen chemical, is recovered by the US military, the corpse is cremated, unintentionally releasing the virus/bacteria into the atmosphere over a small island. Soon the infected populace mutate into flesh-hungry zombies, and a trio of soldiers on leave must team up with a group of tourists and board themselves up in an abandoned hotel as they try to fend off the agile and aggressive living dead. (from IMDb.com)
NOTE: this film has nothing (in story) to do with the Fulci classic Zombi 2 which I, Ronnie, reviewed HERE on this very site.
Alex: Important factoid
Alex: Fulci began directing this film
Alex: but he didn’t finish it
Alex: I believe Bruno Mattei finished it
Ronnie: indeed
Erin: What are some of Mattei’s other credits?
Alex: Huzzah KNOWLEDGE
Alex: I don’t know any off the top of my head
Alex: perhaps City of the living dead?
Ronnie: I believe everything he touches turns to poo
Alex: I know he is like a poor mans Fulci
Erin: they reanimated the corpse of Yul Brynner
Alex: and his films, at best, fall under the so bad it’s enjoyable category
Alex: awww Yul Brynner
Ronnie: good to know that the Doctors back off in to a corner rather than help the patient…
Erin: we have vomit
Alex: sing me christmas songs
Ronnie: oh, now he’s the elephant man
Erin: so whatever was in that needle was bad
Alex: it was the zombie juice
Ronnie: I dunno… looked pretty good to me…
Erin: Oh crap I can see the bottom of the head
Alex: zombie on the loose
Erin: Like where someone had their hand in the head puppet
Ronnie: is the music playing at the wrong speed??
Alex: this is synth magic
Erin: It’s kinda dragging
Erin: Definitely not 70s zombie rock
Ronnie: its like a cross between 80’s synth-pop and Phantom of the Opera
Alex: we need some Fabio Frizzi synth or Goblin up in this bitch
Alex: Maybe Tangerine Dream
Erin: it’s like they have synthesized pipe organs that crows fell into and died
Ronnie: exactly!
Ronnie: wait, they had elevators back in them days???
Erin: so, is this a real sequel?
Alex: well this film has been compared to Hitchcock’s The Birds as an equal masterpiece
Ronnie: It’s another unofficial sequel
Erin: are there gonna be zombie animals?
Ronnie: Dunno… probably not 🙁
Alex: Zombi 2 was a sequel to like Romero’s Dawn of the Dead, unofficially
Alex: Italians just throw numbers on stuff
Alex: and make pasta
Ronnie: all those shootings and no blood? Not even a squib??
Erin: the van is very Back to the Future
Ronnie: oh no, the ‘end of everything’!
Alex: 7 minutes in we should probably meet out heroes by now
Ronnie: Fulci was the hero, and even he left!
Alex: the doctor just did his best Adam West impression
Erin: I think the Dr is going to become a zombie
Ronnie: It’ll go with his acting then!
Alex: bah-zing!
Ronnie: oh no! He’s dropped his case of CD’s!
Alex: His favorite Usher album was in there! NOOOOOOO
Erin: the antidote!
Ronnie: I’m trying to figure out why he had to rip his lab-coat off…
Erin: ok, now act like you’re dancing
Alex: for the ladies
Ronnie: ahh… good ol’ bribery
Erin: any proper secret lab wouldn’t be on a resort island
Alex: …or would it?
Erin: the death one compound is far more dangerous than you imagined Alex
Erin: sweeeeeet mullet on the female
Alex: death one compound was a great hardcore thrash band
Ronnie: really?
Erin: dont open the door!
Alex: no, but someone will read this and use that as a band name
Erin: that’s a different hallway than the one he went in on
Alex: totally different
Ronnie: yay!
Alex: he is going to chop off that hand!
Alex: gore! yippee
Erin: the glass cut him to spread the virus that only lives 30 seconds in air
Alex: I just thought the same thing
Ronnie: oh no! Has he wet the bed??
Alex: even if it was in the saliva on the cup
Erin: I think he died in the bed
Alex: Rosa the maid is about to get got
Alex: I think the glass was suppose to break there
Erin: nice touch though, the mess in the bed
Ronnie: didn’t even look like glass to me
Erin: zombie finger!
Alex: in the 80’s
Alex: whichever company made those white pandemic suits
Alex: must have been filthy rich
Erin: good point
Erin: wonder why he needed the knife
Alex: bury them in a mass grave
Erin: I like the step by stpe instructions
Erin: step
Alex: uh oh, we got ZOMBIE RAIN COMING
Alex: I am pumped up
Ronnie: meh, we get that all the time here
Erin: particles of undeath
Alex: Ronnie, I didn’t know you lived inside the Return of the living Dead film
Erin: shucking and jiving!!!
Ronnie: UK/zombies… same thing
Ronnie: look LP’s!
Erin: finally some zombie chow
Alex: our heroes…21 minutes in
Ronnie: the music is making him horny??
Erin: he doesn’t remember her name, but he sure as hell remembers her tits
Alex: Priorities Erin, priorities
Alex: Kurt Russel!?!?!?!?!
Erin: susan and carol are getting worked up back there
Ronnie: an eco-doubter! Yay!
Alex: Al Gore is somewhere, frowning
Ronnie: oh no, hippies
Erin: that person driving the convertible is Renee Zellwegger pre-op
Alex: +1 to Erin
Ronnie: +10 for observation
Erin: zomg
Alex: BIRD ATTACK
Erin: zombie birds, this is new
Ronnie: please, someone kill the radio DJ!
Alex: this movie is officially encroaching on greatness
Erin: I hope the soldiers dance and snap their fingers some more
Ronnie: indoor bird attack!
Alex: They have all banged each other just before hopping in there jeep
Erin: we better take her to the motel! not the hospital!
Ronnie: the best thing to do with the injured is to take her to a hotel?!
Alex: what is with the soft blur sunlight in every shot
Alex: the DEATH ONE hotel
Erin: Mattei got Vaseline on the lens while he was jerking off Fulci
Ronnie: they soft focus is defecto standard in those cameras, same ones they use in soft-core porn
Alex: creeper-through-the-window pov vision brought to you by Death One
Alex: Ronnie, do you have us watching zombie porn
Ronnie: DAMMIT! How did you find out??!
Erin: watch out for the cans honey
Ronnie: Just kidding… but I can get us some if you want… 😉
Alex: please no
Erin: aw, it’s a pet zombie
Ronnie: zombie grope!
Alex: I am going to download the soundtrack for this film
Alex: fucking ninja zombie!
Ronnie: aggressive zombie!
Ronnie: wait a minute… why were the zombies waiting in ambush??
Alex: pedo zomies
Ronnie: ka-BOOOOOMMMM!!!!!
Erin: it was kept there on a chain
Ronnie: ‘don’t worry’? They guys lying dying while she’s faffing about with zombies!!
Erin: if she had ever seen one of these movies she would have thrown her friend in the fire
Erin: I wanna put that doctor in a movie
Alex: I want to make an animated gif showcasing his overacting
Ronnie: either my sound is out, or there is some reeeeally bad dubbing 😀
Alex: the dubbing is atrocious
Ronnie: all that pointing was a tad unnecessary
Alex: it was mentioned in my Fulci book
Alex: there is like page upon page of how shitty this flick is
Ronnie: I’ve seen worse…
Alex: do we have nubile youth prime for murdering?
Erin: I don’t get it. A minute ago they were in a town, and now they’re in the middle of nowhere
Erin: Where are they supposed to be?
Erin: I can’t believe the birds only bit one of them
Ronnie: they were supposed to be in some holiday spot, now they seem to be in a deserted jungle motel
Alex: Alabama I think
Erin: nope, too many shirts
Alex: oh snaps
Ronnie: The sound levels are all over the place too… I have to keep turning the sound up and down to hear their bad acting
Alex: maybe Vermont
Alex: oh I didn’t tell you Ronnie?
Ronnie: can’t be the UK, it hasn’t rained yet
Alex: I watch these movies on mute.
Erin: really?
Alex: no, but if it had subtitles I’d be considering it
Erin: but then you miss out on the fun of the dialogue
Alex: he kicked the shit out of that door
Ronnie: whats with the shredded material on the roof?
Alex: it’s true and this movie lives and dies by it’s dialogue mastery
Erin: yes, I’d like to reserve the room with the drapes coming down from the entire ceiling
Alex: skin
Erin: not just the windows for me and my drapes
Ronnie: womens under-garments?
Alex: this movie is made for me
Alex: a CRATE FULL OF GUNS
Alex: fuck yes
Ronnie: a motel that happens to have a ton of guns outside it??
Alex: it was in the basement
Ronnie: Alex, this motel MUST be in your neighbourhood 😉
Alex: just a crate full of guns
Erin: okay everyone make sure you lean in close so you can get hit when the pustules on her face bust
Alex: alright we this house is suitable for a siege/defense scene
Ronnie: oh, I don’t know if they’ll have the budget for that
Alex: they must
Erin: what a time to try to lock down a new girlfriend
Ronnie: phone speaker below the chin??
Alex: I wouldn’t be locking down a new gf, just locking her down
Alex: : wink wink :
Erin: oh, so he’s saying what needs to be said
Ronnie: that’s enough of your kinky antics Mr. Alex!
Erin: man, the focus is getting worse
Erin: and don’t go to the gas station for water
Alex: this soft glow of everything is really bugging me out
Alex: It’s like I’m watching it through a fogged up window on a really sunny day
Alex: please kill this lady
Erin: hey zombies. here I am, and I’m helpless, hello!
Ronnie: it’s probably steam on the camera lens
Ronnie: no, really… as I remember reading the weather was ONE reason Fulci left
Alex: I also have a nudity requirement in my contract Mr. Zombies so if you could pull my clothes off while eating me that would be for the best!
Erin: starting with my ugly pants
Alex: and my ridiculous high tops
Alex: best zombie foot makeup in history
Alex: those feet we GNARLY
Erin: damn, look at those zombies toenails!
Ronnie: part zombie, part werewolf
Alex: part lady gaga
Alex: that zombie looked a bit tranny
Ronnie: wet t-shirts! YAAYY!
Alex: VICTORY!
Alex: are they in a hot tub?
Ronnie: shame she squeals like a balloon
Alex: why is it bubbling
Erin: hot springs
Alex: oooooooooooh
Erin: or nuclear waste
Alex: SHE’S GOT NO LEGS
Alex: THAT WAS COOL
Ronnie: fastest zombie transformation EVER!
Erin: he must be one too now
Ronnie: more ambushing zombies!
Alex: they have tactics now
Erin: I’m still shocked by what happened to the chick
Ronnie: it would seem so
Alex: and how awesome it was?
Erin: yeah
Ronnie: nice Michael Jackson impersonation on that zombie there
Alex: was it raping a child?
Alex: did I miss that part?
Ronnie: no no, just the movements, not the reputation
Alex: oh thank goodness
Erin: kill the DJ!
Ronnie: +100 on that…
Alex: I’d buy that death scene for a dollar
Ronnie: ninja zombie!
Erin: I wish a zombie would pick up a gun!
Alex: I am surprised it hasn’t happened yet
Ronnie: how come the zombies are dying when they’re not even shot in the head??
Alex: shhhhhh
Alex: don’t ruin this for me ronnie
Ronnie: oh, sorry 😀
Ronnie: is she still not dead yet?
Erin: results may vary
Ronnie: FFAAACCKK!!!! Not him again!
Ronnie: WHY can’t the zombies attack the DJ!
Erin: he ain’t no Stevie Wayne
Ronnie: Stevie Wonder more like
Erin: *snicker*
Erin: flying head!
Alex: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs
Alex: FLYING SEVERED ZOMBIE HEAD!
Ronnie: flying zombie head WIN!
Erin: oh wow, thirsty for blood
Alex: I’m feeling better Patricia. But I’m thirsty…for your BLOOD!
Ronnie: ‘ruuuunnn! Get awaaayyy!!’ 😀
Erin: I never heard a zombie do a one-liner before
Alex: have you ever seen Zombie Mortal Kombat like this?
Ronnie: FINISH HIM!
Erin: oh that SUCKS!
Alex: FATALITY
Erin: jump
Ronnie: This film is pretty awesomely bad 😀
Alex: yeah it is
Alex: I am preparing to give it an unprecedented score
Erin: I can’t believe I’m still trying to follow it
Ronnie: yeah, I think you missed a bit of blusher there love…
Erin: who in the hell are these people?
Ronnie: I have NO idea…
Alex: the dudes and dudettes who found the crate of guns
Ronnie: Nice!
Alex: the “siege” house
Erin: how did the fall kill her?
Alex: that was a great jump and fall out the window
Ronnie: Shh! I said that a while back about the zombies
Alex: she hit her groin region on the way out
Alex: the 3 and 1/2 foot fall is deadly to tropical island zombies
Ronnie: she’s just concussed…
Alex: Nancy is pregnant with zombie baby
Ronnie: now THAT would be awesome!
Alex: Next week, I have the movie we outta watch
Ronnie: oh? Do tell!
Alex: it involves a scene with a pregnant lady and a zombie
Alex: and an impromptu abortion
Ronnie: I’m in!
Alex: Erin?
Erin: hmmm… maybe
Alex: I think Erin has finally blacked out
Ronnie: I think Erin has passed out… 😉
Ronnie: snap!
Alex: Zombie Siege Time!!!!
Ronnie: Attack of the Zombie Squatters!
Ronnie: They’ll take your home!
Erin: your lattices will not save you
Erin: sweet gun
Alex: FLAMETHROWER YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
Ronnie: giant flame, but it only got two of them??!
Alex: I haven’t seen a good old fashioned flamethrower in a while
Erin: looks like a meat orgy
Ronnie: yeah, can’t go wrong with a flame thrower. Very popular in the 80’s they were
Alex: remember that meat orgy we went to Erin?
Ronnie: Why not just wait until they feast then torch the lot of them?
Ronnie: head-shot!
Alex: good exploding face
Erin: yeah, Ronnie, their friend fell down and got eaten so they could get away and they wasted the opportunity
Ronnie: another ninja!
Ronnie: Jesus Christ
Erin: nurse nancy with the knife!
Alex: this movie
Alex: is
Alex: fucking GREAT
Ronnie: Hang on, WAIT A MINUTE
Ronnie: seven shots to the chest kills him, but a stake through the throat is ok?
Alex: hold the phone ronald
Alex: because
Alex: Italy man
Alex: go with the flow of Lu-CI-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Erin: there’s so much jumping down from the ceiling I keep thinking I
Erin: I’m watching a Hong Kong movie
Ronnie: I reckon Fulci did the gore bits, the rest is what-his-face
Alex: Bruno Mattei I believe
Ronnie: yeah, him
Ronnie: so they’re trailing a zombie WITH them… bizarre
Ronnie: yeah, look up… might be more ninja zombies
Ronnie: a zombie in the roof??!!
Alex: spider zombie
Ronnie: and what’s an Ihaw haw Kiosk?
Erin: lol I was wondering too
Erin: Damn, I was hoping that head would bust open
Ronnie: I was hoping for a decap there
Ronnie: why are there black vertical bars down the screen all of a sudden?
Alex: I thought this was HD
Erin: I hope we get to see the military commander get eaten
Alex: I’m counting on it
Ronnie: I demand it!
Ronnie: Disinfecting with bullets
Alex: decontamination squads? more like decapitation squad!
Erin: great propaganda
Ronnie: OK so… the only NON-zombie left in the entire town is the DJ
Alex: This is all somehow Obama’s fault
Erin: of course
Ronnie: Was he maybe born in this town?
Ronnie: WAIT!
Ronnie: It’s DJ Obama!
Alex: no WHITE MAN would ever let zombies run free in a tropical paradise such as…the unnamed one we are on
Alex: IT IS DJ OBAMA
Erin: as if we knew where Obama was born, that’s a good one
Ronnie: oh no, is he gonna pump that chicken??!!!
Erin: choke that chicken, son!
Alex: he choked a bullet
Erin: I told you the Asians were behind this
Alex: when are they not?
Ronnie: the sneaky buggers
Alex: and their cheap labor
Alex: and high quality electronics
Erin: ok guys got to go, I got a phone call
Ronnie: aww… but you’ll miss the big finale!
Alex: oh no!
Erin: I know, but I’ll post a reaction
Ronnie: That doctor puts in a fine Hitler performance
Alex: yes he does
Alex: so what are you think for our finale
Alex: big shootout, maybe an explosion
Alex: zombies the world over?
Ronnie: Virus will appear elsewhere…
Alex: yay!
Alex: you know there is a Zombi 4 and 5
Ronnie: either via the atmosphere, or an escapee
Ronnie: really?!
Ronnie: oh no!
Alex: yes sir
Alex: we should probably….
Alex: PREGNANT LADY WITH ZOMBIE
Ronnie: SWEET JESUS!
Alex: called it!
Ronnie: Zombie baby! PLEEEEEASE!
Alex: it has to happen
Ronnie: did she just shout on Kenny Rodgers?
Alex: the guys with the guns who are good
Alex: are named Kenny and Roger
Alex: which is HILARIOUS
Alex: together they are…KENNY ROGERS
Ronnie: oh the irony… Kenny Rogers save the day
Ronnie: he just punched a guy who is wearing a gas mask…
Alex: zombie baby zombie baby zombie baby??!?!?!?!?
Alex: ZOMBIE BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ronnie: attacked by a zombie baby while it’s still in the womb!
Alex: brilliant
Ronnie: Erin missed the best bit…. 🙁
Alex: she really did
Alex: this movie ramped it up something fierce
Ronnie: I reckon Fulci had to be behind the zombie-baby attack
Alex: that totally seems like a Fulci thing to have happen
Alex: I concur
Ronnie: Zombi2 was awesome, and this aint bad at all. Slow starter though…
Alex: yeah Zombi 2 is one of my all-time Zombie favs
Alex: WHOA they could afford to blow up a house
Ronnie: ka BOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!
Ronnie: shame it did bugger all
Alex: underground hiding zombies!!!
Ronnie: camo-zombies!!
Alex: man these zombies are friggin’ smart
Ronnie: definitely!
Alex: did they just kinda steal a scene from Platoon?
Ronnie: I think so…
Alex: excellent
Ronnie: possibly pre-Platoon though… not sure
Alex: zombie DJ
Alex: CALLED IT
Ronnie: oh dear…
Ronnie: WHAT?!
Alex: 10 stars
Ronnie: What a pants ending!
Ronnie: -1 for the crap end
Alex: ok 9 stars
Ronnie: OK OK, I’ll be generous to it, it was fun. I’m giving it 4.5
Alex: I’m giving it a 3.5
Alex: it was silly fun
Alex: in the best way possible
Ronnie: really?
Ronnie: zombie baby, explosions…
Ronnie: although no boobs…
Alex: alright maybe a 4
Alex: you’re right, back down to 3.5
Alex: I’m holding steady at 3.5
Alex: locked in
Ronnie: You’re right, I’m being a tad harsh… 4 and not a point more
—-
Ronnie’s Rating:
Alex’s Rating:
Erin’s Rating:
—-
Trailer:
Despite the bad rep of Zombi 3, I actually liked it enough to come back and finish watching it after I was interrupted, which says a lot because I am not one of those people who has to finish a movie out of some OCD. I regret missing the Kenny Rogers revelation, but anyone who has had that much plastic surgery must be among the ranks of the undead so I’m not surprised he was behind the whole thing. Seriously, though, I don’t see how this movie is any more ridiculous than The Beyond, and I didn’t like that movie at all until I found myself re-watching it. 3 stars.