House (1986)

House (1986)

House (1986)

Plot: Roger Cobb is a Vietnam vet. Whose career as a horror novelist has taken a turn for the worse when his son Jimmy mysteriously disappears while visiting his aunt’s house. Roger’s search for Jimmy destroys his marriage and his writing career. The sudden death of his aunt brings Roger back to the house where his nightmares began. [Evil forces] in the house force Roger to endure a harrowing journey into his past.

Alex: whoa Sean Cunningham and Steve Miner? No wonder this is so damn good
Alex: Friday the 13th dream team
Ronnie: Mr Friday 13th himself…
Alex: the Greatest American Hero is a lead right?
Ronnie: yep
Ronnie: bit of a long boring intro…
Alex: Harry Manfredi doing the music, hence it kicks ass
Alex: someone got way to excited about the ability to invert colors in post for that intro credit scene
Alex: FRED DEKKER DID THE STORY
Alex: he did Monster Squad and Night of the Creeps
Ronnie: who he?
Alex: see my last comment
Alex: Night of the Creeps and Monster Squad are ridiculously good movies
Ronnie: doesn’t look very creepy
Alex: this is like a an all-star amalgamation of quietly awesome 80’s indie horror filmmakers
Alex: I like that kids shirt, it almost fits him
Ronnie: its the 80’s, tight = cool
Alex: classic boo scare
Ronnie: grocery-boy? That his official title?
Alex: i like how they did this scene during the day, made the tension feel more unique
Alex: well that scene was by far the creepiest thing in the movie yet
Alex: remind me to never be an author
Ronnie: well, I now have no dreams of wanting to be an author…

If that's the average authors 'fan base' then I pity Stephen King!

If that's the average authors 'fan base' then I pity Stephen King!

Ronnie: jacket with sleeves rolled up… Miami Vice style…
Alex: Ronnie, do you remember when computers looked like that?
Ronnie: I remember when computers were Commodore 64’s
Alex: “Got a call from Dekker from the CIA” no doubt a nod to Fred Dekker
Alex: I love scavenger hunts in movies
Alex: shit paparazzi has no shame, taking pictures of people while they are using a payphone
Ronnie: who’s she? She’s hot!
Alex: Blondy McPrettyface
Ronnie: must IMDb that…
Alex: she was unusually attractive for a typical blond

She's Blondy McPrettyface - but I couldn't find her on IMDb...

She's Blondy McPrettyface - but I couldn't find her on IMDb...

Alex: that is the gayest sweater on the planet
Ronnie: more rolled up sleeves…
Alex: it was a hot look, thanks to Don Johnson
Alex: oh I remember the scene that involves that tool shed fondly…
Alex: you have a pool just like that, right Ronnie?
Ronnie: gotta be kidding me… have you seen the weather reports for here lately???
Alex: lemme guess
Alex: rain
Alex: rain
Alex: rain
Alex: cloudy rain
Alex: fog
Alex: rain
Ronnie: correct!
Ronnie: dove in? Dived in – sounds better…
Alex: that Greatest American Hero guy is pretty damn likeable
Alex: yes, the fun officially starts
Ronnie: looks a bit more creepy now…
Alex: night time
Alex: they are filming the lead closer up too, i think
Alex: making it feel more boxed in
Alex: and he still has that damn sweater on, which is pretty frightening
Alex: OMG
Ronnie: well that’d scare the poop from ya!
Alex: “Hi I’m the guy from cheers”
Ronnie: sweater more gayer than the last
Ronnie: low low cut sweater… how embarrassing…

Please tell me that people didn't actually dress like that in the 80's...

Please tell me that men didn't actually dress like that in the 80's...

Alex: yeah the sweater he had on before now looks like gold
Alex: that is so multiple snapshot worthy on the site
Ronnie: gay – gayer
Ronnie: I’m waiting for ‘gayest’…
Alex: that one guy enjoys shooting those Vietnamese a little too much
Alex: flashback over, back to the horror of the v-neck
Ronnie: surely that was a cheapo grenade
Alex: the explosion had a radius of about 6 inches
Alex: letf over from the Russians no doubt
Ronnie: firework more like…
Alex: i think even fireworks are more dangerous
Ronnie: not as dangerous as his sweater… I was a kid in the 80’s and (thankfully!) don’t remember any men wearing low-cut sweaters. Is it an American thing??
Alex: this part always gets me
Alex: and shit i hope that wasn’t accepted clothing anywhere
Alex: shield the eyes!!! BOO SCARE
Alex: Ronnie you gotta get a snapshot of the “BETAMOVIE” camera
Ronnie: oh yes…

Top of the range equipment is that...

Top of the range equipment is that...

Alex: that scene is still hilarious
Alex: why he does like 9 flips and jazz hands in his front yard I’ll never know
Ronnie: He’d have done the run faster without the jumps and roll…
Alex: good point
Alex: I wonder if that house still really exists

(NOTE: it does indeed, as it was recently bought for nearly $1.5m!)

Alex: mmmm Chinese
Alex: shit i keep getting wrapped up in the movie and forgetting to say anything
Ronnie: why does he have a pink phone?
Ronnie: and can someone tell me how he (guy next door) managed to just get a TV personalities phone number???
Ronnie: from a little spiral bound book…
Alex: he stole Roger’s telephone address book thingy
Ronnie: when?
Alex: Roger probably had her number written down in case they ever found the kid
Alex: on the way out of the house he slyly slipped it in his pocket
Ronnie: oh, never noticed 😀
Alex: it happens real quick
Ronnie: I’d check his pockets in case he has the family silver in there too!
Ronnie: Coz that was slick…
Alex: yeah he learned some neat stuff on the set of Cheers methinks
Alex: there’s a damn arsenal of weapons in that shed
Alex: handgun, shotgun, harpoon, sheers
Ronnie: Jesus! Vietnam in a shed!
Alex: Vietshed
Ronnie: the Viet-cod
Alex: Blondy McPrettyface is back
Ronnie: can only be a good thing…
Alex: not so pretty now
Ronnie: she’s nice, but her acting isn’t…
Alex: i can stomach it, only a bit part
Alex: now she is the PERSON under the stairs
Ronnie: shame…
Ronnie: maybe call her an ambulance?
Alex: I’m pretty sure the buckshot took care of her
Ronnie: probably…
Alex: assuming she doesn’t come back from the dead or mutate again into ghost creepy thing
Ronnie: we can but hope…
Ronnie: I hate drawn out ’embarrassing’ scenes…
Alex: it wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been
Alex: plus you gotta have Greatest American Hero sell the fact he is losing his mind
Ronnie: he’s not doing very well…
Ronnie: he’s just acting like a nervous person…
Alex: single greatest scene in movie history coming up
Ronnie: better than a Critter saying ‘FUCK!’
Alex: the sheer decap followed by the first pump
Alex: i think its tied
Alex: the Critter saying fuck was mind blowing
Alex: this one was just hilarious at how excited he was that Rosie O’Donell monster woman got her head chopped on by gardening instruments
Ronnie: what’s with the stupid music? That totally spoiled it!
Alex: that was kinda tacky
Alex: but i figure at this point, if you’re still into it, the music can’t really hurt that much
Ronnie: how come I never get neighbours like her?

That's one cheeky neighbour...

That's one cheeky neighbour...

Alex: because life isn’t fair dammit =)
Alex: ooooooo she’s back
Ronnie: what’s with the songs now? Did they not pay whats-his-face enough to make a full score???
Alex: they are real songs i think, the second one is a golden oldie from like the 50’s or 60’s
Ronnie: 60’s I think it was
Ronnie: she has a son? Oh dear…
Alex: on second thought, the attractive shouldn’t come with kids
Ronnie: it’s always bad luggage
Ronnie: did he just say ‘male prostitute’?
Alex: he certainly did
Ronnie: did he just offer that kid a plastic bag??
Alex: yup!
Alex: i was hoping you would notice that
Alex: such a funny line that I’m sure 90% of people who watch this never caught
Ronnie: shame on them
Alex: oh man i forgot about the little troll dudes
Alex: pretty fucking scary looking
Alex: so the equation is be an awesome baby sitter = get a peck on the cheek from a really pretty foreign model type babe
Ronnie: doesn’t seem like a fair trade… no Sir…
Alex: no, not at all
Ronnie: surely she’s supposed to turn up drunk? 😀
Alex: or at least with her hair slightly out of place
Alex: not even a proper hussy

She's been on a night-out without her kid, returns home, and isn't even drunk? What a non-hussy! Pfff...

She's been on a night-out without her kid, returns home, and isn't even drunk? What a non-hussy! Pfff...

Ronnie: didn’t have them in those days…
Alex: closets lead to Vietnam??
Alex: i would figured Narnia
Ronnie: nah, that was a wardrobe
Alex: same shit
Alex: some goat boy stealing your sock from the dryer
Alex: leaving you with one sock
Alex: wake up with a bottle of jack in your hand and start swinging a fire poker!
Ronnie: why is he sleeping in a kids bed? Who does he think he is? Michael Jackson??
Alex: no, because he has enough restraint not to overdose on prescription medication
Alex: they were both white though, so that’s a fair point
Ronnie: Fair point
Alex: this house/set must’ve been a bitch to build
Alex: closets that lead to another sets, mirrors that have massive passages behind them
Ronnie: not really… the interior shots aren’t necessarily in the actual house
Alex: that’s true, still a nice ass house though
Alex: if it exists, i must visit it
Ronnie: I want to know what his clothes line is connected to in his bathroom that’ll take his weight…
Alex: toilet
Alex: or at least that’s what I thought
Ronnie: I hope that torch is waterproof
Alex: best make up in the movie coming up for you in a minute
Alex: i think I’m a little ahead
Ronnie: Possibly, I’m seeing his kid in a cage
Alex: yeah coming in about a minute
Ronnie: ahhh… I’ve not seen it yet, but I remember the zombie dude from magazine covers…
Alex: its him
Alex: and it still looks glorious as ever
Ronnie: does indeed
Ronnie: very Jason-ish
Alex: the mouth articulation is what makes it so damn impressive
Alex: and the fact that he is so tall

Fucking AWESOME makeup... 'nuff said.

Fucking AWESOME makeup... 'nuff said.

Ronnie: that’s how I reckon Jason should look
Alex: just about right yeah
Alex: i would make the head smaller
Alex: features less defined
Alex: broader shoulders and chest
Alex: since he is strong as shit
Ronnie: possibly… yeah
Ronnie: this film would have done itself more favours by introducing zombie-guy long before now
Alex: it was a nice twist though
Alex: they wanted to build up to it
Alex: awesome torso explosion, I always love it when the top half of a body explodes or gets cut off, bu the lower half remains intact
Ronnie: yeah but prior to the zombie-guy it was just kinda embarrassing
Alex: its playful horror, as opposed to like scare your face off
Alex: the movie is rated like PG
Ronnie: yeah, I s’pose…
Alex: i still like it, the charm and tidy story make it all worthwhile
Alex: plus the sneaky humor
Ronnie: how do they explain the sudden reappearance of a long lost kid (to the cops)?
Alex: um…carefully
Ronnie: it was a good film, but the plot was all over the place… 😀
Ronnie: good fx on the zombie-guy, he should have had more screen time…
Alex: i can enjoy all over the place, the thing that makes it is they never lose sight of the proper ending
Alex: the happy resolution was a nice change of pace
Ronnie: had two hot chicks in it… but no gore/blood :/
Alex: it has some gore
Alex: the decap
Alex: the torso explosion
Alex: it went with the creature effect vibe more than the splatter
Ronnie: ok, I’ll give you the decap, but the torso had no blood/guts thus, it’s disqualified
Ronnie: I’ll give it a 2.5 out of 5
Ronnie: your good self?
Alex: I’ll go 3.5
Ronnie: ooohh!
Alex: it was gonna be a 4, but some minor nitpicky stuff prevents it from reaching that score
Ronnie: If it hadn’t been for the zombie-guy it was getting a 1.5, and that was giving it +1 for the chick in the swimsuit
Alex: i really like well-crafted, if not a little tame, horror flicks with shitloads of charm and a feel-good, well resolved plot
Alex: swimsuit always helps
Ronnie: I think so… 🙂
Ronnie: you just wait ’til we do the Killer Tomato quad, then you’ll see what a proper film should be like 😀
Ronnie: with its intricate storyline…
Alex: I am already scared
Ronnie: and ground-breaking special effects… 😀
Alex: im sure it will be as deep as Schindlers List.
Ronnie: if not deeper-er!
Alex: and the effects will make James Cameron’s new Avatar technology look dated
Ronnie: indeed it shall

Ronnie’s Rating: ★★½☆☆

Alex’s Rating: ★★★½☆

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About Ronnie

Having survived the UK's 'video nasty' (prohibition) era I'm eager to catch up with all previously unseen sleaze and filth. I revel in mixtape oddness, boobage, gore, and proper latex special effects, don't get me started on CGI... - email Ronnie
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