Critters – alien furry fury strikes Kansas!

Critters (1986)

Critters (1986)

Plot: A Kansas farm is attacked by a hoard of hungry flesh-eating monsters from outer-space with razor sharp teeth and a witty attitude! The family who inhabit the farm must seek the help of a local drunk and his critter-fighting bounty hunting pals before its too late…

—-

Alex: Maximum Security Prison ASTEROID?
Ronnie: that’s the dude from Dan Dare!
Alex: the floating dude?
Ronnie: yeah

I'm tellin' ya, it's the little green floaty dude from Dan Dare!

I'm tellin' ya, it's the little green floaty dude from Dan Dare!

Alex: that was the most efficient escape I have ever seen in a film
Ronnie: or NOT seen…
Alex: Dee Wallace Stone
Alex: we are in for a winner tonight
Ronnie: who?
Alex: Google her later, you will totally know some of the… ‘classics’ she has been in
Alex: you know you’re in the country when a guy is drinking from a jar
Ronnie: didn’t have mugs in them days…
Ronnie: such a nice family…
Alex: yeah nothing like 8 minutes with the most white family on the planet
Ronnie: most stereotypical hickey family…
Alex: well, when aliens invade they always love to do it in the lands of america time has forgotten
Ronnie: radio messages on his fillings? What does he think he is, a chess player? 😀
Alex: he almost dresses like that too
Alex: goddammit Ronnie
Alex: i blame this 80’s hair metal on you
Ronnie: thanks 😀

80's hair metal - times TWO!

80's hair metal - times TWO!

Alex: whoa these special effects are mindblowing though
Alex: reverse face melt
Ronnie: an 80’s hair-metal bounty hunter? Well that’s different… 😀
Alex: apparently you haven’t seen the DOG the bounty hunter show
Ronnie: yeah, you’d be right there…
Alex: cue rich douchebag
Ronnie: yeeeeep
Alex: this is why you don’t have kids
Ronnie: how the hell did the dad get in the house that quick?
Alex: he has that backwood Voorhees gene
Alex: he can just teleport
Alex: oh dammit even the kid has that same 80’s song on his stereo
Ronnie: that’ll be the movie anthem…
Alex: is that a young Billy Zane?
Ronnie: I believe so…
Alex: IT IS
Alex: imdb’d it real quick
Alex: this movie officially got 90 bonus points
Alex: because Billy Zane is the man
Ronnie: it might be better if I knew who Billy Zane was…
Ronnie: … is he meant to be famous?
Alex: he was in Demon Knight
Alex: The Phantom
Alex: Titanic (but we try to forget he was in that)
Ronnie: probably for the best…
Alex: he is legendary for not really doing anything
Alex: although Demon Knight is incredible, you would like it.
Ronnie: oh, well that’s nice… I think.
Ronnie: Ok, this movie is boring thus far (23mins) 🙁
Alex: yeah something needs to happen in a hurry
Alex: hopefully 80’s hair metal bounty hunter shows up
Ronnie: so far it’s been 23mins of family soap opera
Alex: this song AGAIN
Ronnie: they have remote controls?
Alex: business is about to pick up I think
Alex: I’m surprised they have TV
Ronnie: good point
Alex: apparently when you’re making out in a barn, even an earthquake doesn’t rattle you
Alex: is that a Ghostbusters logo on the back of dads bowling shirt?

Ronnie: it’s something close to it…
Alex: maybe there is hope for this film yet
Ronnie: I’m quietly confident that it won’t suck too much…
Alex: nice mutilated carcass
Alex: we’re getting closer to critter appearance
Alex: LOL they just threw a ball of fur on the road!!!
Alex: oh man I so want a GIF of that
Ronnie: waddya mean, that was top notch 80’s special effects! 😀
Alex: it looked like a basketball covered in fur
Alex: which is awesome, I won’t lie
Alex: clever edit
Alex: and transition
Ronnie: oh, wobbly cam
Alex: again how does this country bumpkin home has a trash disposal
Alex: predator cam
Alex: big in the 80’s
Alex: like the hair
Ronnie: like the hair-do’s
Ronnie: snap
Ronnie: WHY is a man wearing a blue shirt with a pink collar?
Alex: My dad would wear that shirt

A man wearing pink is bad enough, but in the 80's it was inexcusable!

A man wearing pink is bad enough, but in the 80's it was inexcusable!

Alex: he recently bought a watermelon colored shirt
Ronnie: sorry, I’m anti-pink
Alex: me as well
Alex: unlesss of course it’s flesh
Alex: then I’m ok
Alex: gotta love those rotary phones
Ronnie: I remember them… 😀
Ronnie: no phone, no power….
Alex: did it take about 3 and a half hours to dial
Ronnie: nah, they were good phones them…
Alex: sturdy like a rock
Alex: they are milking the shit out of NOT showing us the damn puppets
Ronnie: absolutely, not like the flimsy stuff now-a-days
Alex: guess he won’t be bowling tonight
Ronnie: yeah, bad leg
Alex: I don’t remember them have projecticle thorns!!!!
Alex: these fuckers are dangerous
Ronnie: nor I… but it’s good none the less
Ronnie: more hair references…
Alex: for intergallatic bounty hunters, they do everything very slowly
Ronnie: yeah, they’re not the brightest
Ronnie: Jesus, are they still going at it?
Alex: and these 2 packets of hormones are still making out, through all the screaming and the ufos and the commotion
Alex: NOOOOOO NOT BILLY ZANE
Ronnie: haha…
Alex: those critters are actually kinda adorable

'adorable'? No man should use such a word!

'adorable'? No man should use such a word!

Alex: i wish its head would have exploded though
Ronnie: yeah, that would have been cool…
Alex: oh yes, a church is gonna get ripped up by a critter army!!!!!
Ronnie: *titter* he said ‘soddom’
Alex: YEAH YEAH
Ronnie: guns that look like fire extinguishers
Alex: favorite part so far
Alex: laser beams in a church, makes NO fucking sense
Ronnie: correct, but still good
Alex: ’bout time one of these COUNTRY FOLK thought of loading up one of their guns
Ronnie: they should have had them from the start
Ronnie: transform! 😀
Alex: how do you lock the door to your own HOUSE
Ronnie: the Critters did it…
Ronnie: FOUR!

Golf, Kansas style. Just make sure your 'club' isn't loaded...

Golf, Kansas style. Just make sure your 'club' isn't loaded...

Alex: oh…damn those things are smart
Alex: tiger woods of housewives
Ronnie: women + guns = bad news
Alex: yeah it is not doing a good job painting women of any age as effective combatants
Ronnie: ok, THAT was the best part
Alex: DID AN ALIEN JUST SAY FUCK!?!?!?!!?

It's good to know that even alien civiilizations have swear words...

It's good to know that even alien civilizations have swear words...

Alex: this movie has become awesome within the last 15 minutes
Ronnie: yeah, the first 20mins was completely unnecessary
Alex: we are in 3, maybe 4 star territory now
Ronnie: notice how none of the bowlers recognise the priests face?
Alex: yeah i caught that, or the fact that the other guys is an apparently incredibly popular musician
Ronnie: true… didn’t think of that…
Alex: did you see the POUNDS of glass that exploding from that tv?
Alex: like a car crash
Ronnie: good to see the bounty hunters are keeping a low profile…
Ronnie: but that’s a good old fashioned CRT TV
Alex: i am an lcd man now
Alex: i have been converted
Ronnie: new fangled shenanigans…
Alex: yup, us kids with our rap music, and nintendo, and methamphetamine
Alex: CHECK THE WINDOWS AGAIN!!!!!!! mommy needs some lithium
Ronnie: valium for mommy…
Alex: mommy took a throrn in the neck
Alex: death by ceiling fan
Ronnie: Critter in the pan!
Alex: “they were wearing funny clothes…like they were from Los Angeles
Alex: best quote
Alex: we have to watch all the sequels
Ronnie: three of…
Alex: i think it goes to 4
Alex: so yeah 3 more
Alex: this kid is probably the best actor in the movie
Ronnie: oh I dunno… I like the old dad guy…
Alex: yeah he is ok too, being all stubborn and shit
Alex: damn the cirtters heard their little plan
Alex: product placement
Ronnie: giant critters?!
Ronnie: uh oh, this is an A-Team moment!
Alex: and pops whipped up a friggin’ flamethrower
Alex: great american families kill aliens…together
Alex: you have to get a snapshot of the critter screwing with E.T.
Alex: that is hilarious

A Critter demands an answer from E.T...

A Critter demands an answer from E.T...

Alex: time for a bigtime ass kicking at the Brown residence
Ronnie: uh oh, the mom’s gone schitzo!
Alex: one of womens many hidden talents
Alex: HOLY SHIT
Alex: that front door got blown up
Ronnie: big boom!
Alex: i didn’t even realize the cat was named after the Star Wars character
Alex: this is like a movie of winks and nods
Ronnie: yeah, I noticed that… but since I don’t like Star Wars I didn’t bother with it 😀
Alex: nor do i
Alex: but cats are cute
Ronnie: true
Alex: oh man I hope the cat doesn’t get it
Ronnie: ginormous critter!
Alex: oh my goodnees gigantour critter
Alex: so E.T. with the bike
Ronnie: Bet this came out about the same time as ET
Alex: i like the mini critter hitching a ride on April
Alex: thats what she gets for wearing pink pants
Alex: does that like 12 year old kid have dynamite in his pocket?
Ronnie: yeah… he stuck them in there when he got sent to his room.
Alex: ohhh good eye i missed that
Ronnie: cooooooooool!
Alex: wow this movie had a nice budget to be able to blow up that house
Ronnie: twice
Alex: YEAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!

Alex: shit this movie was great
Ronnie: I knew my memory wouldn’t let me down… 😀
Alex: Critters 3 has a very young Leonardo Dicaprio in it
Alex: we are SO watching the sequels
Ronnie: oh no… :/
Alex: oh yes
Ronnie: (I mean DiCaprio)
Alex: yea, well hopefully he gets eaten
Ronnie: how the hell did the cat survive?
Alex: you know cats are sly
Alex: they can find hiding places even from explosions
Alex: that was really impressive sepcial effects
Alex: OMG CAT IN THE MAILBOX
Ronnie: pretty damned good fx for back then
Alex: CUTEST THING EVER
Ronnie: 4 stars 😀
Alex: i agree 4 stars
Alex: that was actually the most fun I’ve had watching and oldie but goodie in a while
Ronnie: only let down by the first 20mins
Ronnie: and the crappy pop tune
Alex: yeah but what can you do
Alex: its the 80s
Ronnie: true

Ronnie’s Rating: ★★★★☆

Alex’s Rating: ★★★★☆

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About Ronnie

Having survived the UK's 'video nasty' (prohibition) era I'm eager to catch up with all previously unseen sleaze and filth. I revel in mixtape oddness, boobage, gore, and proper latex special effects, don't get me started on CGI... - email Ronnie
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4 Responses to Critters – alien furry fury strikes Kansas!

  1. hoobagail says:

    HAHA! Crtters! Why don’t you watch “Troll” Or “Bats”? Now we’re talking shitty movies. Just like that car wreak you HAVE to slow down to stare at.
    Ronnie, did you IMDB Dee Wallace Stone, yet? High powered star quality.

  2. Ronnie says:

    I have, she was in Starsky & Hutch, Police Story and CHiPs, so she’s hardly ‘star quality’! Although, ironically, she was in E.T. 😀
    http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0908914/

  3. hoobagail says:

    Have you seen “Cujo”? Winner, Winner!

  4. Pingback:Ghoulies (1985) review | Midnight Showing

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