Bread and Circus (2003) – triple review chatness!

Bread and Circus

Bread and Circus

From IMDb: In a kingdom, a man is born as a child to Mother Earth. He’s checked for normality, confirmed normal, and is let into the system. The man gets old, and the system has no use for him. So he’s brought out to be executed. The man gets flashbacks, and understands what his life has been. So he hammers out a message on a piece of stone, for coming generations. Later, a couple finds the message, and journeys out to put an end to the oppressive system.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0377543/

Ronnie: that sounds like someone constipated
Erin: grunting and oh my
Alex: man ass for you Erin
Erin: its a giant baby
Ronnie: methinks mother nature needs a trim ‘down there’…
Erin: oh and dick too
Alex: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO PENIS!!!!
Ronnie: why does a monk-like person have handcuffs??!
Erin: yep, the church gets you that fast
Ronnie: I thought he was gonna ram that gun up his ass there!
Erin: I thought at least a finger
Erin: The symbolism is too subtle
Alex: lol, I love this song
Ronnie: Is this Monty Python now?
Alex: creepy German with a luger, always a good sign
Erin: oh crap, German?
Erin: I thought this was Scandinavian
Alex: looks pretty German to me
Alex: if they have a pee fetish we will know it is truly German
Ronnie: Norwegian…
Ronnie: schizen!
Ronnie: bad dubbing… oh my
Erin: lots of man ass
Alex: baby penis now?
Ronnie: Erin, did you pick this because of the bare man ass?
Erin: no, because of the huge vag on the poster
Ronnie: I’ll believe you (sarcasm) πŸ˜€
Alex: I better see some Nordic breast action soon
Erin: This is very like a Terry Gilliam film
Alex: and Peter Jackson-y circa his Bad Taste Era
Ronnie: YAY!

Not now, dear. I have a headache...

Not now, dear. I have a headache...

Alex: especially with that blown apart head
Erin: well, there’s your pissing
Alex: now I kinda wish I didn’t ask for the peeing
Erin: wtf is on her face?
Ronnie: now THAT’s a spot!
Alex: I hope the girl in the Jeep isn’t the height of female attractiveness I can expect

She masturbates, then kills... what a woman!

She masturbates, then kills... what a woman!

Erin: We have a masturbating killing machine
Ronnie: *cough* Ilsa *cough*
Ronnie: pff… women drivers…
Alex: Zombies as a metaphor/allegory for social outcasts?
Erin: Oh, those silly cannibals
Ronnie: where are all the hot, blonde, Norwegian women??!!
Erin: Was she asking him for a poke?
Alex: fuck, they had to have a massive spider didn’t they
Ronnie: ya big girl πŸ˜€
Alex: the hot blond Norwegian women are modeling
Alex: I HATE spiders

A giant spider snapshot. Specially taken for you Alex!

A giant spider snapshot. Specially taken for you Alex!

Alex: they scare the shit out of me
Erin: I don’t see a spider
Alex: it has long passed
Alex: but it will haunt my dreams
Erin: Nice eyebrows wiggling with the machete in his head
Alex: Tom Savini would be proud
Ronnie: yeah, why not just drop down dead
Alex: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Ronnie: ERIIIIIIIINNN!!!!

A guy wearing womens knickers... Erin, I hate you for picking this film!

A guy wearing womens knickers... Erin, I hate you for picking this film!

Alex: side testicle
Ronnie: a guy wearing womens drawers!!
Erin: A shitting transvestite 15 minutes in
Ronnie: Erin, I hate you…
Ronnie: one man, one jar
Erin: That looked real
Ronnie: him pooping a bottle, or one man one jar?
Alex: I…
Erin: The bottle coming out of his ass
Alex: why did he put it up there to begin with
Ronnie: so he could poop it… πŸ˜€
Erin: Why did he cut off that guy’s finger?
Ronnie: self-defence…
Ronnie: any other questions?? πŸ˜€
Erin: Just trying to paint a picture for the audience at home
Alex: I am shell shocked
Ronnie: my question: does anyone know what the HELL this film is about??
Erin: I know women who move their heads like that when angry
Erin: I never knew it was for dodging bullets
Alex: I think it is about the civil rights movement
Ronnie: has her hair just changed style?
Erin: Is she now a man?
Alex: I never considered her a woman
Ronnie: I thought she was supposed to a school-girl
Alex: that is a pretty tough looking babe
Erin: I think she has a 5 o clock shadow
Alex: guys, we have a SPITTING GUN 200
Ronnie: I think she’s CAUSING a five o’clock shadow
Alex: be careful
Erin: Filled with Bullet Bobs
Ronnie: and a guy who dances like a fairy
Alex: I SAW A STRING!
Ronnie: are you talking about that chick again?
Erin: But we didn’t see the trampoline the guy jumped off at the explosion
Erin: That’s a plus
Alex: ouch, no because I doubt she has a vagina, I was talking about the firework that was posing as a rocket
Erin: Wait, the beer bottle guy is alive?
Ronnie: I’m afraid so…
Erin: Awesome kill!
Alex: that is exactly what a heart looks like…
Ronnie: heart on a stick! Yay!

Heart on a stick!

Heart on a stick!

Erin: I’ve never seen anything like that before
Alex: Erin got her dropkick fix for the evening
Ronnie: probably bought it from a butchers shop…
Alex: or the makers of this flick just asked on of my ex girlfriends for a spare heart to use…
Alex: I want to know what is written on the windshield of that Jeep, it looks like “Apocalypse Now
Alex: written in the style of the movie title
Erin: I’m still impressed that on this budget they wasted enough tape to show a triple take of him hitting the tree branch.
Erin: And yes, it says Apocalypse Now in the same font
Alex: this movie had a budget?
Erin: She’s taking him home to help her shave
Ronnie: yeah, a LOW one…
Alex: IT DOES SAY APOCALYPSE NOW!
Erin: Mozart would approve of his music being used for this useless scene
Alex: Sheen would kill somebody if he found out the font and title of his greatest work was copied in this gem
Erin: So they all masturbate between giving orders
Ronnie: Seems so…
Erin: Oooh aah, fuck it’s still on!
Alex: I think that should be a worldwide policy
Erin: I’m doing it right now out of sheer boredom
Alex: “Bill, I want to move my stocks over to Merrill Lynch, but first I wanna rub one out to clea my head.”
Erin: Damn there’s a spider
Alex: …..more spiders
Ronnie: That’s the ones I get in my bedroom I think.. πŸ˜€
Ronnie: Agh!
Alex: you get spiders like that in your room
Alex: that’s horrible
Ronnie: uh, no. They just SEEM that size…
Erin: She’s a black widow
Alex: entirely too much penis in this
Ronnie: She does have a moustache though…
Alex: perfect opportunity for boobage
Ronnie: wasted
Erin: Zero female nudity so far
Alex: yet 3 penii, and on baby wang
Erin: Put him in a cell, and the King will fuck him too
Ronnie: Erin, you’re fired!
Erin: Start paying me and then you can fire me
Ronnie: drat!
Alex: “Go to church or you turn out like Ronnie, Alex, and Erin.”
Erin: Naw, I went and look what happened
Ronnie: that dude with the suit and briefcase is the director of this… uh, ‘film’
Ronnie: yeah, it’s entirely the opposite effect, I went to a Catholic school.
Erin: The guy who was born?
Ronnie: yeah, he’s the Director
Ronnie: oh, and writer.
Erin: He looks 15.
Alex: how do you explain me then?
Alex: I never did church
Ronnie: we can’t
Erin: Was that an ass
Alex: Was that the Earth’s butthole?

Yes indeed folks, mother earth has pimples on her chocolate star...

Yes indeed folks, mother earth has pimples on her chocolate star...

Alex: she was cute too
Alex: now she is covered in poo
Ronnie: she might have at least used some lube!
Erin: I hope this guy never makes porn
Ronnie: he’s not far off it so far!
Alex: not very polite just to crawl into somethings ass like that
Alex: I think his porn would be terrific
Erin: The beer bottle was just foreshadowing
Ronnie: but with naked men…
Erin: So did the girl turn into a goat?
Ronnie: I have no idea…
Alex: I figured a sheep would have been more appropriate
Erin: God’s gonna tell him something now
Alex: build an ark
Erin: Wrong fairytale
Ronnie: get cruicified?
Erin: Its Moses you heathens
Ronnie: he’s not Charlton Heston!

Imposter! He's not Charlton Heston!!

Imposter! He's not Charlton Heston!!

Alex: I think he has more than ten commandments there
Alex: WHOA he can TELEPORT
Ronnie: Are they supposed to be new characters?
Ronnie: Coz it’s the same people from last time…
Alex: if they don’t thank LSD in the credits of this flick, I will be upset
Erin: Its her again
Ronnie: exactly
Alex: she has a Christina Ricci sized forehead
Ronnie: harsh πŸ˜€
Alex: I love Ricci
Alex: but Ricci also looks like a woman
Erin: Don’t compare Christina Ricci to that wildebeest
Alex: this chick does not
Erin: Here, let me stick this wine bottle up your ass
Alex: it is usually the other way around with the sensual massage right?
Erin: Yeah, guys are the ones who start with a “back rub”
Erin: No, its not a cave
Ronnie: is that the ark? It’s a bit small…
Erin: Its four o’clock, where is my plot?
Ronnie: This film never HAD a plot!
Alex: it has man-woman wearing a horrible pink jacket though
Erin: They filmed this all on one acre
Ronnie: That rat’s the best actor yet…
Alex: I give the nod for best actor to the baby penis
Erin: I hope they kill each other
Ronnie: we can but hope!
Alex: something better be killed, quickly
Erin: Kissing the gun was a nice bit of Freud
Alex: easily the sexiest she has done in the whole movie
Alex: OK that was awesome
Ronnie: thankfully with her clothes on
Ronnie: it was?
Alex: the gun block and then shoot was kinda Woo
Alex: being slo-mo and all
Erin: I thought they were in the military
Erin: We’ve had enough of people using the rear entrance lady
Ronnie: See, I was going to make that joke, but thought I’d better not…
Alex: wow
Ronnie: yay!
Erin: Nice head explosion
Alex: dynamite exploding head
Alex: i want that as an animated gif

BOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!

BOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!

Ronnie: yeah, she could do with a bit of jogging
Erin: Too late, someone already hit that child with the ugly stick
Ronnie: wha….
Erin: Weird Al?
Alex: lesbian abusive parent?
Alex: oh hell yes kill that hippie with a katana
Erin: He can get the keys now
Ronnie: Uri Geller?
Alex: that is over my American head Ronnie
Ronnie: Uri Geller was the dude that bent the spoons (and forks) with his mind…
Erin: The Volvo of Death
Alex: is Kelsey Grammar driving that car?
Alex: right in the tits
Erin: Too bad about the tits guys
Alex: this movie is beyond surreal
Ronnie: I think this proves the writer/director is gay
Alex: gay maybe, high on hard drugs, definitely
Erin: I think it’s almost over
Erin: Eminem?
Alex: camera got shot, movie over?
Alex: fuck it is still going
Ronnie: some old dude in jeans is going to kick ass??

Apparently the old dude in the jeans is going to kick everyones ass. I have my doubts...

Apparently the old dude in the jeans is going to kick everyones ass. I have my doubts...

Erin: Is that the old guy from the beginning?
Alex: I think so
Ronnie: nah, different one
Alex: the druid got riddled with bullets
Alex: shame, I liked his robe
Erin: The robe is fine, just needs a few patches
Alex: no bullshit guys and gals, I really want a Druid robe
Ronnie: eBay…
Alex: how did he miss from 2 feet
Alex: yet nailed headshots left and right from many yards outside
Erin: Because he’s gay
Ronnie: so what exactly has he done that’s making him feel so good??
Alex: be gay
Alex: he wasn’t just mad, he was dick sucking mad
Ronnie: oh right… I see… πŸ˜€
Alex: I’m glad I could clear things up for you
Alex: Katana and an Uzi
Erin: Can I buy a rocket launcher on eBay?
Alex: and a helicopter?!?!?
Ronnie: probably
Alex: probably
Ronnie: definitely a helicopter
Alex: look for a guy named Muhammed
Alex: AllahBay
Alex: …instead of Ebay
Erin: Ok, we know he’s the king cause he has the remote
Ronnie: when you explain a joke, it gets bad…
Alex: it wasn’t good to begin with
Ronnie: peach!
Erin: Why use a rock when you have an Uzi
Alex: so he could set up that sweet sword kill
Erin: Awesome diagonal slice
Erin: I’ve seen neither bread nor circus
Alex: can we give movies negative stars?
Ronnie: I’m WATCHING the circus I think!
Ronnie: but, yeah, no bread…
Erin: Good point
Erin: Waving bye bye
Alex: LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! did you see that building explode

Exploding building my ASS!...

Exploding building my ASS!...

Alex: we have to put this movie up for stream
Alex: people need to see this
Ronnie: I couldn’t subject people to this!
Erin: If only so they can know our pain
Alex: oh no, we must!
Alex: fuck if I am gonna be the only one who had to see this
Erin: I hope they step on a land mine
Ronnie: πŸ˜€
Alex: please…tits….for Christ’s sake
Ronnie: a goofy alien??!
Erin: Oh nice model spaceship
Alex: bomb the vagina?
Alex: ….oh…….oh no
Ronnie: oh dear Lord…

Alex told me to take this screenshot...

Alex told me to take this screenshot...

Erin: See, the problem is it has no clit
Erin: Hotdog, meet hallway
Alex: I really hope my mom doesn’t visit the site tomorrow
Ronnie: I’m purposely putting up that pic now! πŸ˜€
Alex: that is actually a perfectly to scale model of Angelina Jolie’s vagoo
Alex: no tread left on those tires!
Alex: NO MORE PENIS!!!!
Erin: W
Erin: T
Erin: F
Ronnie: YAY! THE END! πŸ˜€
Alex: finally
Erin: Now to go onto IMDb and read all the lofty explanations
Ronnie: you’ll be lucky… πŸ˜€
Alex: the 2001 a space odyssey of Nordic splatter films
Erin: A guy is credited with making the goat chewing sound
Alex: what was the name of that one classical piece they kept playing every few minutes
Ronnie: I had no idea what it was about, or what was going on…
Ronnie: I’m giving it a 2.5
Ronnie: the extra .5 is for the gore
Ronnie: Although I should deduct .5 or 1 for no nudity…
Alex: i so wish we could do negative
Erin: I give a 3 for all the penii
Ronnie: git!
Alex: I enjoyed it on that”I really wish I was personally with you guys and drunk/stoned” level
Erin: Yeah, it would have been good under stoned conditions
Ronnie: I felt stoned just watching it!
Ronnie: Mr Alex… your score please?
Erin: I feel sick
Alex: oh geese
Alex: I give it a 1
Alex: for gore alone
Ronnie: that it? Just a 1??
Alex: a solitary 1
Ronnie: I’m lowering mine to a 2 for the lack of boobage…
Erin: The lonliest number
Alex: I am still looking for that classical song
Erin: I might add .5 for the beer bottle…

Erin’s Rating: ★★★☆☆

Ronnie’s Rating: ★★☆☆☆

Alex’s Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

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About Ronnie

Having survived the UK's 'video nasty' (prohibition) era I'm eager to catch up with all previously unseen sleaze and filth. I revel in mixtape oddness, boobage, gore, and proper latex special effects, don't get me started on CGI... - email Ronnie
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