Meatball Machine (2005) – Japanese biomonster madness!

Meatball Machine (2005)

Meatball Machine (2005)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0820111/

I’m not even going to attempt a plot synopsis of this movie, and neither has anyone on IMDb. Read on…

( ) Ronnie: a very shoddy looking noose that… I wouldn’t trust it…
( ) Alex: well it looks like he got his wish anyway, in the form of weird tentacles
( ) Ronnie: uh oh… is this tentacle pr0n?
( ) Alex: lets hope not
( ) Alex: oh WOW
( ) Ronnie: niiiiice!
( ) Alex: right off the bat, head cut in half the long way

Head slicing at 01m:21s - a good sign!

Head slicing at 01m:21s - a good sign!

( ) Ronnie: with cyborg-y things kicking each others asses
( ) Alex: and some girl with an eye patch
( ) Ronnie: yeah, she’s too timid, I don’t trust her
( ) Alex: it should be a new rule for Asian cinema
( ) Alex: don’t trust anyone with an eye patch
( ) Alex: or tentacles, because they may try to give you some unwanted sex

If she IS hanging her drawers out, that is one BIG pair of bloomers!

If she IS hanging her drawers out, that is one BIG pair of bloomers!

( ) Ronnie: I hope she’s not hanging her drawers out…
( ) Ronnie: tissues… never go to work without one…
( ) Ronnie: busted!
( ) Alex: great, first 10 minutes there’s a wanking scene
( ) Ronnie: fortunately not graphic
( ) Ronnie: did I just glimpse a hockey mask?
( ) Alex: so borrowing money transitions into a shot of a lone crab
( ) Alex: i think we did
( ) Ronnie: reversed baseball cap… if he starts rapping, I’m stopping this…
( ) Alex: i think this kid may be killed in a horrific way
( ) Alex: any the tentacles got him
( ) Ronnie: grabbed by the tentacles  😀
( ) Alex: nice hit by car gore
( ) Ronnie: liked the arm stuck to the wheel
( ) Alex: it was a classy touch
( ) Alex: there is the jerker, watching people do laundry and being all creepy
( ) Ronnie: OK, we haven’t even reached 9mins yet and there’s been several killings, head slicings, a dead kid and a jacking off scene!
( ) Alex: welcome to Japan
( ) Ronnie: where the women are all extremely nervous
( ) Alex: and the only transitions between scenes that exist is a fade to black apparently
( ) Ronnie: hey, they’re on a budget!

Even with a budget, things are never dull in a Japanese movie!

Even with a budget, things are never dull in a Japanese movie!

( ) Alex: this creature design is terrific
( ) Ronnie: yeah, the little windscreen wiper is awesome!
( ) Alex: reminds me a lot of a Takashi Miike film
( ) Ronnie: NEVER trust rechargeable batteries!
( ) Alex: I guess the movie will eventually tell us what the fuck is going on
( ) Alex: but not before about 80 people die
( ) Ronnie: yay!
( ) Alex: who needs context anyway when armoured mutant thingies are chopping each other up
( ) Ronnie: eat yer heart out Transformers!
( ) Alex: thanks for reminding about that horrible movie
( ) Ronnie: my pleasure  🙂
( ) Alex: it was almost a full day without thinking about Michael Bay
( ) Alex: are these two watching a porn in a theatre?
( ) Ronnie: hang on!
( ) Ronnie: that’s no chick!

Sounds pretty good to me...

Sounds pretty good to me...

( ) Alex: totally a dude
( ) Alex: are we watching two completely different movies?
( ) Ronnie: ok, I can never go to a cinema again now…
( ) Alex: one about a lonely masturbator and the other about battling monsters
( ) Alex: wait, I think they might be developing a plot
( ) Ronnie: now you’re being silly!
( ) Ronnie: a man after my own heart… whatever it is, get a screwdriver into it…
( ) Alex: he learned well from Dawn of the Dead
( ) Alex: screwdriver is your best friend
( ) Alex: that and just kicking whatever it is that is malfunctioning
( ) Ronnie: I’m just worried in case it cuts to those other three in the shower…
( ) Alex: yeah, this movie owes us a boob
( ) Ronnie: several… hopefully the chick that was hanging her drawers out
( ) Alex: I hope we don’t get mutant monster boob
( ) Alex: that could get weird
( ) Ronnie: I can only hope not!
( ) Alex: uh oh, jerker off guy has disrupted an attempted rape on drawer hanger girl
( ) Ronnie: indeed, ass kicking ensues…
( ) Alex: you gotta figure his jerkin’ arm would at least be able to throw a decent punch
( ) Ronnie: You’d think, but apparently not
( ) Ronnie: more monsters!
( ) Alex: ahh, 26 minutes into the movie our leads are named
( ) Ronnie: 27 minutes in and still no idea of the storyline!
( ) Alex: I think Mr. Pocket pool, Yoji, has the alien parasite thingy that turns people in the monsters
( ) Alex: and he will use it to get vengeance on some assholes
( ) Ronnie: uh oh… horrendous boob scar…
( ) Ronnie: incoming…

Meh, call that a scar? Pff... take more than that to turn me off!

Meh, call that a scar? Pff... take more than that to turn me off!

( ) Ronnie: meh, that’s nothing…
( ) Alex: this is really awkward
( ) Ronnie: WHY would you tell someone about your body scars on a potential date??!
( ) Alex: welcome to Japan
( ) Ronnie: I think she’s reactivating his closet pet
( ) Ronnie: her head seems quite close to his groin..
( ) Alex: the monster wanted some loving as well
( ) Ronnie: quick! Grope her while she’s down!
( ) Alex: TENTACLES!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!
( ) Ronnie: TENTACLE PRON!!!!

Open legs, alien tentacle... you know what follows...

Open legs, alien tentacle... you know what follows...

( ) Alex: god dammit
( ) Alex: it has to always come to this
( ) Ronnie: well, she got the humping she wanted I suppose…
( ) Ronnie: she doesn’t exactly look distressed…
( ) Ronnie: wait, wait, wait… THIS is probably the reason why the jerker-offer is fighting the cyborgs…
( ) Alex: I am so confused
( ) Alex: did we just watch a baby monster in the womb?
( ) Ronnie: I think we did… and I’m somewhat distressed…
( ) Alex: oh now she is mutant scarred up woman
( ) Ronnie: … and with a bun in the oven
( ) Alex: oh I think the little alien dude inside her is controlling her new body
( ) Ronnie: yeah
( ) Alex: so i was somewhat right about the parasite deal, but now what the hell will Yoji do?
( ) Ronnie: turn in to Mr Monster Killer
( ) Ronnie: EWWWW!!!

If there's one thing I can't stand, is eye horror... ugh!

If there's one thing I can't stand, is eye horror... ugh!

( ) Alex: OHHHHHHHHHHH right in the eyes Fulci style
( ) Ronnie: I’m sorry, but if I was Yoji, I’d have pooped myself looooong ago
( ) Alex: yeah, certainly dropped a load right in my trousers
( ) Alex: so eye-patch lady and her friend are hunting the monster parasite.
( ) Ronnie: Hmm… I thought that trench coat guy WAS Yoji… guess not
( ) Alex: i think i see it coming together now
( ) Ronnie: you’re doing better than me then…
( ) Alex: it’s just lucky stabs in the dark
( ) Alex: BACKSTORY!!!!!! WOOOO
( ) Alex: this story is actually pretty solid
( ) Ronnie: ok, yeah, that explains things…
( ) Alex: old school “The Thing” style parasite movie
( ) Alex: but all Japan’d up
( ) Ronnie: he’s upset now, there goes his jacking off fantasy
( ) Alex: is this flashback to what happened 10 minutes ago necessary?
( ) Ronnie: I think this is him figuring out what was happening
( ) Alex: oh fuck that’s horrible
( ) Ronnie: OK, there was NO need for that scene after all!!!!
( ) Ronnie: I’m traumatised!

Ok, so now we have a phobia of scars... great. Thanks Meatball Machine!

Ok, so now we have a phobia of scars... great. Thanks Meatball Machine!

( ) Alex: no more scars for me ever
( ) Ronnie: I’m allergic to chicks with scars now too…
( ) Ronnie: maybe Yoji can jack off to one-eye chick?
( ) Alex: one eye is looking good, woman of few words though
( ) Ronnie: nice twist…
( ) Alex: very nice
( ) Alex: this has turned into a fine flick from very humble beginnings
( ) Ronnie: indeed, I’m quite proud of this quite lucky choice  😀
( ) Alex: hopefully it makes good on all this exposition it has thrown at us
( ) Alex: have you ever seen the movie The Guyver
( ) Ronnie: I’ve seen the movies, the animes AND read the mangas
( ) Alex: this reminds of The Guyver SOOOO much
( ) Ronnie: yep, definitely
( ) Alex: not that that is a bad thing
( ) Alex: cause Guyver kicks ass
( ) Ronnie: indeed!

Gratuitous shot of 'The Guyver' - I want that model...  :(

Gratuitous shot of 'The Guyver' - I want that model... 🙁

( ) Alex: holy shit
( ) Ronnie: oh my!
( ) Alex: did he rip a hole through his face?
( ) Ronnie: in short: yes
( ) Alex: bad ass
( ) Ronnie: should have shown her raping the rapist  😀
( ) Ronnie: nice!
( ) Alex: its the hunchback of notre dame
( ) Ronnie: Esmerelda…
( ) Alex: I keep half expecting to hear the theme song from Mortal Kombat play any second
( ) Ronnie: well this is the place to get the skull and spine ripped out
( ) Ronnie: the old ‘human shield’ defence
( ) Alex: he is punching the hell outta that ball sack
( ) Ronnie: yeah, smacking his chick in the sack  😀
( ) Ronnie: imagine walking down that alleyway while taking a short-cut home while that’s getting filmed…   😀
( ) Alex: i would have to change my pants
( ) Alex: worst CGI ever
( ) Ronnie: yeah, but good idea none the less  😀
( ) Alex: the editing is really holding all the intense scenes together
( ) Ronnie: well, it’s certainly never been boring…
( ) Alex: i agree
( ) Ronnie: it’s jizzing on him!
( ) Alex: what is this, FEAST?
( ) Ronnie: no, there’s been no monster cocks stuck in doors  😀
( ) Alex: give it time….
( ) Ronnie: anything is possible
( ) Alex: where did she get a flame thrower/bone launcher
( ) Ronnie: Christ only knows…

Having a flamethrower is an automatic WIN

Having a flamethrower is an automatic WIN

( ) Ronnie: WHAT THE?!
( ) Alex: I give up trying to apply logic
( ) Alex: i’m just enjoying the blood
( ) Ronnie: logic is futile…
( ) Alex: love story time
( ) Ronnie: yep, ‘fraid so…
( ) Ronnie: hardy little fuckers them parasites…
( ) Alex: energizer bunnies of evil parasites
( ) Ronnie: what the hell now??!
( ) Ronnie: dear Lord…….

Oh my! That's a big one!

Oh my! That's a big one!

( ) Alex: wtf
( ) Ronnie: where’d the big gun go?
( ) Alex: his chest cannon
( ) Ronnie: uh oh… what now…
( ) Alex: :shakes head trying to figure out what the fuck is going on:
( ) Ronnie: ditto
( ) Ronnie: I…. *speechless*

two alien parasites discuss, and try to explain, the ending...

two alien parasites discuss, and try to explain, the ending...

( ) Alex: that was good, I would say Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore police were better
( ) Alex: I will say 2.5 stars
( ) Ronnie: TGP was definitely much better.
( ) Ronnie: But I’d give that… oh, at least 3.5
( ) Ronnie: Very fun and gory
( ) Alex: i feel similarly just to a lesser degree
( ) Alex: I would recommend that easily though
( ) Ronnie: yeah, definitely!

Ronnie’s Rating: ★★★½☆

Alex’s Rating: ★★½☆☆

Show Spoiler ▼

Trailer:

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About Ronnie

Having survived the UK's 'video nasty' (prohibition) era I'm eager to catch up with all previously unseen sleaze and filth. I revel in mixtape oddness, boobage, gore, and proper latex special effects, don't get me started on CGI... - email Ronnie
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