One Eyed Monster – a dual review chit-chat thing

This review is a little different from the others. What myself (Ronnie) and Alex did was: both get the same film, start it at the same time then, while watching it, continually blab and make smart-ass comments about it. Behold:

One Eyed Monster

One Eyed Monster

Synopsis: In February 2007, ten people went to the remote mountains of Northern California to shoot an adult movie. What happened next was something no one expected, but everyone saw coming. Amber Benson, Charles Napier, and Ron Jeremy star in an homage to “Alien”, “The Thing”, and porn.

Ronnie: that tag line [Something no one expected, but everyone saw coming] makes NO sense to me!

Alex: yeah, its a great start, although, the music is dead serious. Uh oh we have a nondescript  “celestial event”

R: kinda funky now  😀

A: we are firmly in b-movie plot set up territory. “She did some fine ball work in that.” says Ron Jeremy

R: he said ‘ball work’

A: uh oh, the “innocent guy and the pure blonde girl” sub-plot has already been set up. “I’m just a sound guy like you are just a black guy” lol, I am already invested 110% in these characters. I’m pretty sure the sound guy will have some pot later in the movie

R: meh, cheery people…

A: he looks like the stoner type. Controversy over how much the talent gets paid set in place, in the first 4 minutes

R: obligatory rock track.

A: basically every major plot point has already been set up, but when will people learn scores are almost always a better idea!
The discussion about Ron Jeremy’s penis…glad that’s outta the way

R: had to be done….  😀

A: yeah, hopefully it the last time too

R: doubt it!

A: although I have a feeling, I’m gonna be seeing some body parts I don’t want to very soon

R: snowball fight… reminds me of Dead Snow… meh

A: hey, Dead Snow was fun

R: it sucked ass…

A: also, this is already better than Transformers, so we’re well on the path to enjoyment

R: A: distinct lack of boobage though…

A: I didn’t catch all of that conversation

So, yeah ... if she has to lick a guys ass, she smacks herself in the head five times with a plank of wood...

So, yeah ... if she has to lick a guys ass, she smacks herself in the head five times with a plank of wood...

R: there is NO need for a scene with women talking about licking mens asses!

A: … but a pornstar spoke about hitting herself in the head with a piece of wood five times, before doing “certain” scenes

R: yeah, licking mens asses!

A: did Kevin Smith write this movie? So Ron Jeremy can act?

Ron Jeremy and Veronica Hart discussing old age. No, seriously!

Ron Jeremy and Veronica Hart discussing old age. No, seriously!

R: two porn stars lecturing each other, bizarre.

A: something real sleazy is brewing. Ronnie, I’ll let you describe what just happened

Veronica Hart uses her special vaginal-muscles move...

Veronica Hart uses her special vaginal-muscles move...

R: Veronica Hart just used a special combo move on the Director dude…  😀

A: lol, 69 hit combo AND the fatality. The nerd guy is winning me over

R: I’d say Anna Nicole Smiths boobs ARE an orifice

A: the writing is actually downright untolerable. Ronnie you gotta take a picture of that “machine” for the site

The offending 'machine'. Basically a motorised Flesh Light...

The offending 'machine'. Basically a motorised Flesh Light... but with the properties of Paris Hiltons face.

R: Haven’t most celebs screwed Paris Hilton??

A: I have as well, she was cadaverous. 😉

R: she looks cadaverous all the time!

A: “you weren’t moved by Schindler’s Fist?” nominee for best line in the movie. That was quick, Ron Jeremy just got hit with blue CGI from the sky

R: Yeah, will he turn in to ET now?

I recognise those ankles anywhere. It's Veronica Hart!

I recognise those ankles anywhere. It's Veronica Hart!

R: All you get to see of Veronica is her ankles. I liked the quip about Ron Jeremy wearing a sweater  😀

A: lol, that was well done, quietly and slick. MAN down!!!!!

R: should be man UP  😀

A: So, first “kill” in the movie was someone getting fucked to death. Classic.

R: new title: ‘Where In The World Is Ron Jeremy’s Dick’

A: absolutely, his dick is “missing”. It actually walked away, I hope its a bad puppet that actually has legs

She's rehearsing her scenes...

She's rehearsing her scenes...

R: Yayy! Finally some boobage!

A: from the man looking chick. LOL she has to check her lines!!!

R: she does look quite tranny-ish

A: this innocent blonde needs to die, quickly

I hope that's pigeon poop!

I hope that's pigeon poop!

R: it was probably a pigeon in her room

A: a New York pigeon

R: a porn star with a dick in her mouth, well there’s a novelty

A: dick vision is eerily similar to snake vision from the movie Anaconda

R: a snake’s a snake…  😀

A: for those of you keeping score at home: no cell phone service, no telephones in the cabin, major storm blocking all traffic up the mountain AND the cars can’t move in the snow!

R: not forgetting the now dickly possessed porn star

A: the weird, overly obsessed with Ron Jeremy, chick has something to do with this, she pretty much looks like an alien

So Ron Jeremy's disembodied dick has a blade now too? Amazing...

So Ron Jeremy's disembodied dick has a blade now too? Amazing...

R: how does a DICK slice at someone’s trouser leg??

A: it apparently spent some time in the dojo, with Master Splinter. The “black guy” in the film is apparently George Clooney in good make-up because he knows everything about medicine

R: he’s Macguyver

A: like Jamal Macguyver

The annoying geek-guy with the mechanical Fleshlight

The annoying geek-guy with the mechanical Fleshlight

R: this geek guy is VERY annoying

A: porn cameraman/secret agent. I don t mind the geek guy, he’s a good geek, they’re supposed to be annoying =)

R: he’s overly annoying

A: he’ll bite it soon enough

It's whats-his-face!

It's whats-his-face!

R: It’s whats-his-face!

A: Vietnam guy who lives “across the mountain” is gonna whoop some ass

R: he’s been in a bajillion films… what’s his name…

A: we gotta IMDb him afterwards, everyone will know him once they see him

R: the films so good he probably didn’t want his name in it. At some point soon I expect to see him whack that dick with the shovel and get A: good ‘boioioioing’ noise

A “I know A: lot of kinky women who will do some crazy shit for a little coke.” Apparently, they are talking about my home state of Maryland. If that happens, I will cheer. Hey he used the word Macguyver they are listening to us Ronnie! Oh great, some stupid blonde chick is crying about shit

R: see? I can predict films. A blonde chick sobbing… well there’s another novelty!

A: in all fairness, I think I would be crying too if a disembodied killer penis were on the loose.

R: I’d have a cork up my ass. Surely they can chop the dick with the shovel rather than venture out for an axe?? Uh oh, she’s constipated

One, two, three... NNNNGGGHHHH!! *plop* Ahhhh...

One, two, three... NNNNGGGHHHH!! *plop* Ahhhh...

A: if this innocent, bubbly guy doesn’t die very soon I’m writing an angry letter

R: I wanted them all to die before now. Something better spoil this romance stuff

A: YAY! romance over commence killing scene in 3…..2….. a rusty fan is their defence apparently, and in another shocking twist the Vietnam guy has alcohol with him

R: I’m a rusty fan of porn, but I’m not defending them. Ah crap, ‘nam story

A: the reminisce about war scene is upon us, these scenes I don’t mind, it’s usually the only time when the acting feels natural

R: what does “30 men being killed by a dick” sound like?

A: hell sounds like 30 men getting massacred by DICK! Lol, nominee for best line

R: this ‘nam story is far too long…

A: they are seriously padding time. “Now it’s raining dick” says the Vietnam vet

R: booooooring. It’s Ronnie-rating is falling fast…

A: yeah, dropping faster than the NASDAQ and the DOW

R: it’s the dick-cam

Strangled by Ron Jeremy's dick...

Strangled by Ron Jeremy's dick...

A: dick around the neck!!!!

R: strangled by a dick… what A: horrible way to go

A: boo scare in 3….2….1, uh oh guys, the “generator” died

R: someone seriously needs to look at the manufacturing process of generators, they always crap out…

A: …at the worst possible time

R: “It’s in his ass. It’s running him from his ass.”, the “we didn’t steal this from Aliens” part of the film

R: yaaayyy! chirpy guy is dead

A: and chirpy woman. Die Hard 2 snowmobile chase scene….but with a penis?

R: that didn’t even look remotely like snow. Nice!

that, my friend, is a man split in two

that, my friend, is a man split in two

A: WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, finally some quality gore

R: yeah +0.5 for that

A: yeah seriously, but this movie needs flame throwers and Kurt Russell

R: and dicks sprouting legs and running off

A: and boobs with legs to battle the dicks

R: why is she suddenly not possessed? Oh, she never was it seems, just obsessed

A: yeah, she is just the weird girl for the sake of having a weird girl…so far

R: so the cabins just happen to be connected? Where are they, Stalag 13?

A: its the fucking Kremlin

R: with that beeper he looks like the black dude from Ghostbusters. Oh dear, Ron Jeremy pumped a rat!

Ron's monster dick just raped a rat!

Ron's monster dick just raped a rat!

A: except we could only wish we were actually watching Ghostbusters

R: yeah, at least Ghostbusters was funny and entertaining! Apparently they really are in talks to make a Ghostbusters 3

A: On a aside note, that Ghostbusters video game better kick ass

R: doubt it… It’ll never beat the Commodore 64 version with the karaoke style intro…

A: they are carrying around your girl like she’s a sack of potatoes Ronnie

R: poor Veronica. Oh God, not her special move again….

A: Veronicas trying to act reallllllly hard

R: as good as ex-porn stars get. I now have the urge to go and look up classic Veronica Hart porn. That was the slowest flying dick ever…

Duck! It's a slow flying dick!

Duck! It's a slow flying dick!

A: whoa!!!!! Worst puppet ever

R: but apparently it is a replica of Ron Jeremy’s dick, or so I read in Fangoria

A: Fangoria would know, I trust their knowledge of dicks

R: yeah, it has been full of dicks lately, of the non-penis kind. Why did the Eiffel Tower just explode?

Radio tower my ASS, it's the Eiffel Tower!

Radio tower my ASS, it's the Eiffel Tower!

A: damn you Ronnie you stole my EXACT thought, but yeah, wtf a CGI Eiffel tower just blew up. And Black Macguyver and Juno survived.

R: with a bad explosion. What’s with the ending??

A: epilogue during the credits?

R: oh, it might give the old dudes name. Charles Napier!

A: A: legend

R: that’s him… he’s been in tons of Westerns. I have to say – no porn puns intended – but that kinda sucked

A: agreed, I was expecting something a lot more fun and carefree

R: would probably have made a better porn film that ‘horror’ film

A: I expect to see it on sci-fi very soon

R: I hope to not! But I’m giving it 3 stars… would have been two, but three due to a couple of good lines and the split guy scene.

A: I go 2 stars, took itself too seriously

R: now that’s low, could have been worse I suppose

A: yeah, it takes a lot for the “isolated cabin killer whatever” movies to get me going now a days. Call me spoiled by Raimi

Ronnie – Rating: ★★★☆☆

Alex – Rating: ★★☆☆☆

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About Ronnie

Having survived the UK's 'video nasty' (prohibition) era I'm eager to catch up with all previously unseen sleaze and filth. I revel in mixtape oddness, boobage, gore, and proper latex special effects, don't get me started on CGI... - email Ronnie
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2 Responses to One Eyed Monster – a dual review chit-chat thing

  1. Erin says:

    Oh how I wish this review was a joke. Was the movie at least supposed to be a comedy? LOL @ “the we didn’t steal this from Aliens part of the film.”

  2. Ronnie says:

    It was meant to be a comedy, but it wasn’t even that funny. Couple of good one liners, but other than that it was pretty dire. 🙁

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