Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

1: Now, after Black Sabbath, Mary Magdalene (and some other chick) went to see Sepultura. 2: And behold! An angel of the Lord came down from heaven to discuss the Rolling Stones. 3: His appearance was, well, different. 4: The guards did tremble and yell: “Fuck me! A giant rabbit with wings!”, and did flee like fuck. 5: Not only was it a giant rabbit, but it spoke! “Jesus is not here, he has risen from the dead”. 7: “Go quickly and tell everyone, for he seeketh brains.” 8: They departed with all due haste. Mary said: “Did you see that? A fuckin’ talking rabbit!”

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1: And when Black Sabbath had left, Mary (and some other Mary – a tart – who had two kids) bought *cough* spices *cough* so that they could *cough* anoint him *cough*. 2: Being nosy cows, they went to the tomb. 3: Mary said: “If we could roll back that stone, we could steal stuff.” 4: They looked up and saw that the stone was rolled back. “Fuckin’ awesome!” Mary exclaimed. 5: Entering the tomb they saw a young man sitting on the right side. 6: And he said unto them: “How much for a hand-job? And do I get a discount for being Jesus of Nazareth’s pal?” 7: Mary looked suspicious and replied: “there was never anyone called Jesus in the band Nazareth.” 8: He replied: “Fuck!”

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1: On the first day of the week, they went to the tomb, smoking taking spices which they had prepared. 2: When they saw the Rolling Stones, and no body, they knew it was good spices. 3: As they stood there, two men appeared. 4: One of the men said: “Why do you seek the living dead?” 5: “Remember how, while smoking ‘spices’, he told you he would rise up on the third day.” 6: One woman replied: “But he was stoned.” 7: The other woman replied: “Fuck! He’s a zombie!” 8: And they also did flee.

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11: Mary stood weeping, like women always do. 12: Looking into the tomb, Mary saw the outline of two giant Easter Bunnies, one sitting where Jesus had lain. 13: It yelled: “Get a fuckin’ ambulance woman!” She replied: “But where is Jesus?” 14: She turned around and saw Jesus standing beside her. 15: The giant bunny yelled: “He has risen! Run! He’s a fuckin’ zombie!” 16: But, being a woman, she didn’t listen. “Jesus! You’re alive!” she exclaimed. 17: Jesus mumbled and stepped forward. 18: Mary embraced Jesus and realised quickly that he smelled bad. 19: Jesus was hungry and did partaketh of her flesh, ripping a whopping great chunk from her neck. 20: Mary screamed and fled. But it was too late, in time she too would become a zombie, and spread the plague upon the earth .Which the Lord God,  George Romero, did writeth.

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About Ronnie

Having survived the UK's 'video nasty' (prohibition) era I'm eager to catch up with all previously unseen sleaze and filth. I revel in mixtape oddness, boobage, gore, and proper latex special effects, don't get me started on CGI... - email Ronnie
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One Response to Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

  1. hooba says:

    Happy Zombie Jesus Day to you, Ronnie! I love your retelling of this wonderous day.

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