Lao Mao (aka: The Cat) is a Cantonese film which is completely and utterly bonkers.
It starts off with some guy writing. I’ve no idea what he’s writing as the subtitles don’t display anything until about ten minutes in to the film (helpful) so from what I can gather he’s telling us this tale (no pun intended) of how this little fat guy can’t get any sleep because of his neighbours upstairs always hammering stuff. The little guy reaches breaking point, storms upstairs and bangs on the neighbours door. An old guy opens the door slightly and apologises. Our little fat perv notices a beautiful younger woman inside the flat holding her pussy. Oh, sorry, holding her cat.
A few days later the old guy, and young chick, move out. The little fat guy goes to investigate, lo and behold the door just happens to be open, and he explores the place, see’s some nasty gore and calls the cops. Turns out it’s animal guts, and they all call him a dumbass.
It’s about now it goes a tad South of sanity. We see, what I assume to be a dead, tramp lying in the sewers with goo going into him, next thing he’s plodding through the sewer like Night of the Living Homeless.
Next in a museum we see the young womans pussy again, this time the sneaky feline is eyeing up a relic. It breaks open the glass case, inspects the relic then they get busted by a museum guard. But he’s taken out by some old guy who dives through the window thinking he’s a ninja. But then the zombie tramp appears and… well, quite frankly does bugger all but try to frighten them through a window.
But then the zombie tramp pulls out the Ace card: he turns into a big pile of spaghetti, flies in the window, eats some museum guards, and turns in to, what looks like, a giant mushroom type thing.
Next we find out that the girl and the cat are in fact aliens. No, seriously. One of the cops investigating this madness goes to a location, sneaks about, nearly gets caught so hides, the cat senses him and pounces on him (well, not the actual cat, it’s an extremely bad, stuffed, stunt double cat) the cop is about to pan it’s brains in with a chair but, through the window, comes the old I-think-I’m-a-ninja guy who knocks the cop out.
Then things get a bit saucy with the cop’s wife coming home in a tiny tennis outfit and covered in sweat. They watch a news bulletin talking about the museum stuff, and he’s off on the trail of the pesky moggy once more.
Cat hairs are found in the museum so with that clue (probably their only clue) they do what any other cop would do. Send it off for analysis? No, they visit some weird guy and ask him for a loan of a big huge dog.
A group of cops investigate a location and come face to face with the big pile of spaghetti and it kills most of them, taking over one guy. He gets some guns, becomes a one man army and is trying to get the girl and the cat. Meanwhile the big dog and the cat are having a big fight in some sort of junk yard. No idea why, but they are, and the cat leaves the dog for dead.
But fear not, the dog isn’t dead. He’s too big and strong for that death stuff.
After the possessed cop waging war on the good cop, his wife, the chick, the cat and the old ninja guy he turns in to a large wad of playdoh. Or that’s what it looked like to me. While the special effects up to this point were pretty crappy, it was here they hit an all time low and became, quite literally, claymation.
The alien cat dives in to the mouth of the claymation beast, blows it apart and, in short, they all get to live happily ever after.
I was not on any legal/illegal substances, and all of the above happened. I swear!
The film is utter rubbish, but it’s worth watching it just to be able to tell people about it, and watch their reactions…