Bandh Darwaza – Bollywood Dracula

bandh_darwaza_big Bandh Darwaza is hard to describe. It’s part Hammer House of Horror, part comedy.

The film begins with a rather official looking certificate, for something or other:

Dunno what it's for, but it looks the part...

Dunno what it's for, but it looks the part...

… then shows a couple who are praying for a child, some old guy with some funny markings on his forehead says that they will be successful, but God works in mysterious ways. Personally, I think it’s the guy who just can’t ‘do the business’ as it were.

Next the housekeeper makes the woman an offer.

No, not that kind of offer, you perv!

She tells the childless wife that if she visits ‘Black Mountain’ she is guaranteed a child. This is where Dracula appears. Well, I dunno if he’s meant to actually be Dracula, but he’s dressed like his Hollywood counterpart, he’s definitely a vampire, I know that much. Anyway, he demands that if the kid is a girl, he keeps it. Kinky. The guy playing Dracula/Vampire is actually pretty spooky looking, but that’s spoiled by the fact that he walks as though he has a broom stuck up his ass. Shame. But sure enough the woman gives birth to a girl, a big fight ensues and Dracula/Vampire gets bumped off.

All that happens in the first twenty minutes of the movie. It was at this point that a whole load of credits popped up on the screen, amongst which were:

bandh_screenshot2

Always handy to know where they get their wood from...

I thought that maybe this was a short film, and checked the run time then realised it was over two hours long! Are all Bollywood movies this long?

After the credits is where it gets rather saucy, and funny. A well fit Indian chick in a tight leotard is doing her aerobics while a pervy little servant guy peeks through the door.

yeah, THAT got your attention didn't it?

yeah, THAT got your attention didn't it?

I’ve no idea who the little perv guy is, but he’s the best part of the whole movie. He’s genuinely hilarious!

Fit chick and pervy guy (right)

Fit chick with boobs, and pervy guy (right)

After a while, we learn that the fit chick is actually the daughter who should have been sacrificed to Drac/Vamp but wasn’t. Blah blah blah… more Dracula stuff then… dancing. Yep, it’s Bollywood, so no movie is complete without some singing and dancing. This happens about five times in the movie, I just fast forwarded past the music bits. The next best bit of the movie is when this other fit chick tries to seduce the fit chicks guy…

Oh my! I would!

Oh my! I would!

Blah blah blah, as you’d expect: they defeat the evil vampire (after about two hours!) and all is well.

The only bad thing about the movie is that it has no nudity or boobage, very dissapointing, especially for a Dracula/Vampire movie. I’d expect some nakedness and cavorting, but no. But for a film thats long, completely crackers and has hot Indian chicks in tight stuff… it’s great! 😀

Rating: ★★★☆☆

[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0259877/]

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About Ronnie

Having survived the UK's 'video nasty' (prohibition) era I'm eager to catch up with all previously unseen sleaze and filth. I revel in mixtape oddness, boobage, gore, and proper latex special effects, don't get me started on CGI... - email Ronnie
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